Child and I living with a stranger....Not the man I knew

[R&OC 371]

Oh my. I feel so bad for you! Don't feel ashamed at all. It is not your fault, you didn't see this coming and went anyway despite your better judgement.

 

Although a diagnosis is very difficult, it does sound your fiancé is dealing with a bipolar disorder. The stress of you moving in (which is stressful for all sides) seems have triggered something inside of him.

 

Despite of all the sadness of the situation, you are at no fault. In fact, this is your opportunity to show your daughter HOW to cope with a difficult situation and how to safeguard your own worth, how to draw a line.

 

If I were you, I would sit down with him and move out afterwards and stop thinking about being a failure. Instead think of yourself as being a great mom and your own best friend. You are seeing trouble ahead and you are dodging a bullet here.

[R&OC 371]

I once got a great advise from my nanny, when she saw my first marriage being difficult. She asked me one question: Lets imagine and say you are your daughter, would you like her to be married to the man you are married to? And the answer was a clear "no". And it took me a good long time to figure out why I thought I am not important enough to safeguard my own happiness. In my case, I had a cheating ex-husband but never abusive.

 

See, while we are all going through tremendous changes, there is something to be said about trying to provoke an argument, trying to gaslight another person and trying to make her feel inadequate. Even if it is stressful right now, the nature of how he deals with conflict will not change and that is something very hard to cope with. And ask yourself what kind of role model you will be if a situation like that persists. I am not sure why, but I have heard a few times that upon moving together abusive partners show their true face for the very first time.