Child and I living with a stranger....Not the man I knew

[Geo_nerd82 253]

So, and I can only go from the description above, but, is it possible this is just a phase for him? Is there anything going on in his life like at work or family that's really got him stressed? When you try to talk with him about this (and you may have said and I missed it), what is his response?

[Andsco 89]

10 hours ago, AliRock2016 said:

Good Day everyone.  I am overwhelmed with emotion.  And so uneasy about my next steps.  

 

My boyfriend of 4 years applied for the K1 and K2 visa for my child and I to go from Canada to New York.  I have shipped all of my items, and imported my car.  After 1 week, he has become verbally abusive and cold.  Not the man I was with in a relationship with for 4 years.  My daughter who once loved being around him, is constantly crying and wants her old life back.  I am so confused, as I have given up my entire life, and uprooted my child to be here with him.  Something we have been preparing for, for the entire year.  And it's not like we haven't spent large amounts of time all together on many occasions as we were able to see each other at least once a month over the 4 years, and all holidays.  This scenario never occurred to me as I thought we were both so invested.  He was so supportive and motivational along the way.

 

He has advised that we no longer have chemistry.  Are you serious?  And I am a drama queen:

 

1. Because I asked him not to lock me out of the bedroom.  He was on a personal call, and locked the door which is strange to me as he has never done this before.  I didn't even know he was on a call.  And I honestly do not think it was to speak to another woman.  I am not insecure, and  those are not the type of issues we have.  I am privy to most of his business, he is not tech savy, and he works 2 jobs.  What time in all honesty would he even have to cheat.  I am on the phone with him most of the day, as he is the type to check in often.  My problem was that it is a room we share, and I just found it rude to look the door.  If its closed, and he is on the phone, odds are I am not going to interrupt anyways.  That started a huge war in my house.  He was yelling at me with my daughter in the next room.  I didn't escalate the situation, because I didn't want my daughter to have to hear that.  I let it go.

 

2. Our new furniture was being delivered by 3 men early in the morning.  Once they arrived and were setting up he decided he wanted to go get a coffee.  I said can you just stick around a few minutes, since it is kinda uncomfortable to be here with these strangers.  They were almost done anyways.  He still left and got his coffee...okay.  I said nothing more.  The minute he came back he told me I was a drama queen.  He needed his coffee, and I need to learn when to just be quiet. That then turned into a one sided argument with him telling me I am about drama.  What did he get himself into to.  He didn't sign up for this.  His children's mother (who he was with for 14 years and often complains about) warned him not to move in with me, and wants to be back with him herself....WOW.  A earful because I wanted him to stick around a few minutes.......WOW.  He told me to shut up and not speak to him  the entire day.  Which I did.  But come the night he wanted to cuddle with me?  At this point I am wondering if this man is bipolar.

 

3. And last night.  He works 2 jobs most days.  A hard worker which I admire about him.  He forgot something at home, so I offered to drop it off since I was going to get some groceries anyways.  When I got there he asked me to stop back when I was done.  Which I did.  We were there over an hour having a good conversation.  I said I am just going to order dinner, since we ended up being on the road longer than expected.  Would be really late to start preparing a meal.  He said I don't cook or know how to cater to my man.  WHAT!!! I have been in your country for 1 week.  We didn't really have groceries, pots, and my stuff hasn't even arrived.  Yet I still have ensured there is a meal in our house...cooked or purchased.  Since I understand that he works so hard.  I made a comment that I always cook, since I have a child to feed daily.  He lost it.  Said...so your only cooking for her sake and walked away.  My child again has to watch this.  I slept in my daughters room since she was a crying mess.  

 

And tonight I cooked...he ignored us from the time he walked in the door.  Not even a hi.  Didn't eat.  And just I broke down in the bathroom.  I am trying to adapt to this new place.  I have left my support system back home.  I am here for him and he doesn't care.  And I am trying to be tough for my child who is also trying to adapt.   How can I continue like this?  It has been a week.  I called my sister and she says she wants to fly in on Friday and when he is at work just pack up my stuff and go home.  I am so embarrassed.  I left a great job, took my daughter from her family and friends.  Imported my things which are supposed to arrive on Wed.  Imported my car, and now I am supposed to go back.  The money I have spent.  I just don't know what to do.  So here I am at 5am asking for some guidance.

 

Do you know if I can send my stuff that I imported here back home?  I will contact the shipping company and tell them not to deliver and send home if it is allowed.  And since I imported my car, can I just drive it back home?

 

And I don't even want to face my friends and family and ex coworkers.  I think the disappointment and shame is going to be the end of me.  This is making me sick to the core.  But I have a child who didn't sign up for this.  She is all that matters and I can't put her through this.  All of these things are so petty, yet he is so explosive.  And I haven't even had a chance to speak with him yet.  Is there a point?  After how I have been treated in my first week, how can I even risk being here another?  I am a strong woman, but this has me feeling broken.

 

Thank you for listening.  Any positive suggestions are greatly appreciated.

 

 

 

 

 

Like everyone else here, I am an stranger but for your own sake and your daughter's, while he is working contact the company you used to bring all your stuff and check what are your options. For your job and support, it has been only a week, there has to be a way for you to go back to your normal life. How about contacting your boss and telling him to get your position back? Do not feel ashame for following your heart. You did the right thing and you got screwed by a heartless man. Do the same with your support, contact them and find out your options. Try to keep all quiet until you have everything figured out. I would leave things ready in the house in a way that you just have to toss them into the bags and car and leave. 

 

I don't know you but reading how bad your situation is, let me tell you something..DO NOT BE ASHAME OF ANYTHING! Again, you did NOTHING wrong!! Leave this life and man now before it is too late because nor you or anyone deserves that type of treatment. 

[N-o-l-a 7,167]

14 minutes ago, Geo_nerd82 said:

So, and I can only go from the description above, but, is it possible this is just a phase for him? Is there anything going on in his life like at work or family that's really got him stressed? When you try to talk with him about this (and you may have said and I missed it), what is his response?

 

Men like this are no good, even if it just "a phase" because there will be another one when something else stressful comes up.  

[Geo_nerd82 253]

8 minutes ago, N-o-l-a said:

 

Men like this are no good, even if it just "a phase" because there will be another one when something else stressful comes up.  

I mean, I think she needs to make sure this is really how he is or if this is something that can be worked out through conversation and marriage counseling. I had a wife that made this guy look tame so I know what she's going through, but it took a while for me to realize that was "all the time" and not just her going through a rough patch or adjusting to married life or whatever.

[Ontarkie 14,234]

19 minutes ago, Geo_nerd82 said:

I mean, I think she needs to make sure this is really how he is or if this is something that can be worked out through conversation and marriage counseling. I had a wife that made this guy look tame so I know what she's going through, but it took a while for me to realize that was "all the time" and not just her going through a rough patch or adjusting to married life or whatever.

She's been here a week and he does this. This is not something to work through. That first week they should be on cloud nine! Looking at everything like they are on top of the world. 

 

He outright told her they no longer have chemistry and she was a drama Queen. Placing the blame on her just like an abusive manipulative explosive (fill in the blank) man that he is!

[Geo_nerd82 253]

6 minutes ago, Ontarkie said:

She's been here a week and he does this. This is not something to work through. That first week they should be on cloud nine! Looking at everything like they are on top of the world. 

 

He outright told her they no longer have chemistry and she was a drama Queen. Placing the blame on her just like an abusive manipulative explosive (fill in the blank) man that he is!

I'm sorry, but one week is not enough to establish a trend, and you don't give up on a marriage after one bad week that might be the result of a short-term problem. And two comments doesn't mean he's a manipulative #######, we all say things when we're pissed (justifiably or not, like in his case) that are overly hurtful at times. I mean, after one bad week in a marriage if you're ready to pack your bags and leave then you need to not ever get married in the first place.

[Russ&Caro 1,549]

2 minutes ago, Ontarkie said:

She's been here a week and he does this. This is not something to work through. That first week they should be on cloud nine! Looking at everything like they are on top of the world. 

 

He outright told her they no longer have chemistry and she was a drama Queen. Placing the blame on her just like an abusive manipulative explosive (fill in the blank) man that he is!

The first week/cloud nine stuff is a myth. I don't doubt that in some situations it might happen but I've experienced for myself and seen for others where the first couple of weeks are very stressful and can erupt into long arguments and a lack of intimacy. That said, based on what the OP has related, I think she is receiving good advice to take the steps necessary to move back home. Then the ball is in his court to repair the relationship, if possible. He's said some hurtful things and made one bad action (leaving his fiancee with strangers in the house). He needs to make amends and if he can't see that then he deserves to be alone.

[Geo_nerd82 253]

10 minutes ago, Ontarkie said:

She's been here a week and he does this. This is not something to work through. That first week they should be on cloud nine! Looking at everything like they are on top of the world. 

 

He outright told her they no longer have chemistry and she was a drama Queen. Placing the blame on her just like an abusive manipulative explosive (fill in the blank) man that he is!

And don't get me wrong, he could very well be like she thinks and even worse, I'm just saying it's too soon to come to any major decisions. 

[Meg&Andrew 297]

5 minutes ago, Geo_nerd82 said:

I'm sorry, but one week is not enough to establish a trend, and you don't give up on a marriage after one bad week that might be the result of a short-term problem. And two comments doesn't mean he's a manipulative #######, we all say things when we're pissed (justifiably or not, like in his case) that are overly hurtful at times. I mean, after one bad week in a marriage if you're ready to pack your bags and leave then you need to not ever get married in the first place.

It's not just one bad week of marriage. Its the verbal and emotional abuse, especially having a child involved. You don't stay around for more of that.  Because sooner or later the emotional and verbal abuse is probably going to turn into physical abuse. 

Edited October 10, 2017 by Meg&Andrew

[Geo_nerd82 253]

5 minutes ago, Meg&Andrew said:

It's not just one bad week of marriage. Its the verbal and emotional abuse, especially having a child involved. You don't stay around for more of that.  Because soon or later the emotional and verbal abuse is probably going to turn into physical abuse. 

You don't know if it's a permanent thing, though, not after a week. I know firsthand, I stood faithfully by my EXTREMELY emotionally and verbally abusive wife for two and a half years and only divorced her when she started cheating on me repeatedly. I'm not saying she has to stick by him that long, but a week isn't nearly enough to know. And maybe I missed it but I'm not sure she's even sat down and tried to have a serious conversation with him about what's going on and how she feels and such (and if she did and I missed that please point it out).

[N-o-l-a 7,167]

4 minutes ago, Geo_nerd82 said:

You don't know if it's a permanent thing, though, not after a week. I know firsthand, I stood faithfully by my EXTREMELY emotionally and verbally abusive wife for two and a half years and only divorced her when she started cheating on me repeatedly. I'm not saying she has to stick by him that long, but a week isn't nearly enough to know. And maybe I missed it but I'm not sure she's even sat down and tried to have a serious conversation with him about what's going on and how she feels and such (and if she did and I missed that please point it out).

 

There is absolutely no point in conversing with an abuser.  They apologize or gas-light.  Things don't change long term.  Sounds like you have yet to understand the cycle of abuse.

Edited October 10, 2017 by N-o-l-a

[Geo_nerd82 253]

1 minute ago, N-o-l-a said:

 

There is absolutely no point in conversing with an abuser.  They apologize or gas-light.  Things don't change.

This I know from personal experience. But, after just one week we don't know if he is an abuser or just being abusive right now and just for now.

[Lemonslice 4,859]

10 minutes ago, Geo_nerd82 said:

This I know from personal experience. But, after just one week we don't know if he is an abuser or just being abusive right now and just for now.

Abuser or abusive, I would not stay longer to learn how bad it can get. She's doing great protecting herself and her child before she's entangled in a bad situation, far from her support network.

[Mary Lou 681]

26 minutes ago, Geo_nerd82 said:

And don't get me wrong, he could very well be like she thinks and even worse, I'm just saying it's too soon to come to any major decisions. 

The OP and her child are living this, we are not. So it isn't really for us to say it's to soon to make a major decision.

OP i wish you all the best, do what you feel in your heart is in the best interest of you and your child.

[Ischnura 285]

18 minutes ago, Geo_nerd82 said:

This I know from personal experience. But, after just one week we don't know if he is an abuser or just being abusive right now and just for now.

 Thankfully she's a strong woman with her priorities in order that she's no intentions of finding out either way. Not every relationship can be saved based on 'but he/she might not be' and nobody should force themselves to suffer abuse, walking on egg shells, just in case it might stop one day. 

 

 OP *massive hugs* you got this, follow your gut and do what's best for you and your little one in the long term. Live, learn and move along. You'll receive no judgment for putting yourselves first.