annulment/divorce questions

[databit 328]

8 hours ago, Barbsco630 said:

Also the divorce/annulment. I've never been married and it sucks this one lasted a month! But what is the best option for me? I have researched annulment and I promise I am being 100% honest, we have not had sex well before we were married. I think its the weirdest thing and there's really more to it but I'll just leave it at that. But then it says that you have to prove it. um..like how? Even if I do go to court for the annulment is he required to be there?

One State's laws may be different than another's, but my relative got an annulment months after they were married, and I can guarantee they had sexual relations, lived together, traveled together. She got it for "Concealment" because he concealed the fact that he used illegal drugs (cocaine). Maybe that would work with the alcoholism for you. 

 

http://family.findlaw.com/divorce/how-marriage-annulments-differ-from-divorces-and-the-grounds-for.html

[Amiss5572 2]

16 minutes ago, mallafri76 said:

Let me start by saying that I immigrated to the US 17 months ago, so I know how it feels like to move away from home, family and friends. With that said, your husband sounds like a big cry baby. Also sounds like you didn't do your research properly, as a spousal visa probably would have been the best route for you, as then he could have worked and travelled the second he set foot in America.

 

If the two of you are ready to give up on your marriage, then divorce and move on. Forget annulment, it's extremely hard to get. You're an adult, you made a wrong decision and now you have to pay the consequences by having a divorce "in your baggage". That's life. 

Yes he is a huge baby. Feels very sorry for himself and takes no accountability. Just an update he refused to communicate with me. Did message me that has getting drunk though. Came home around 10 hardly able to stand. Anyways he grabbed his bags and left. 

 

My only concern is he racked up a huge bill at the hospital. The first week he was here he got in a bar fight (ugh I can't believe I married him even) and he hasn't had insurance yet. Isn't this something I will be responsible for? I won't be able to file for divorce for a year? 

 

And yes a spousal visa should have been done. But then again in the end he has a drinking problem so it dosnt matter. 

[Amiss5572 2]

12 minutes ago, databit said:

One State's laws may be different than another's, but my relative got an annulment months after they were married, and I can guarantee they had sexual relations, lived together, traveled together. She got it for "Concealment" because he concealed the fact that he used illegal drugs (cocaine). Maybe that would work with the alcoholism for you. 

 

http://family.findlaw.com/divorce/how-marriage-annulments-differ-from-divorces-and-the-grounds-for.html

Thanks this is good to know. When he came for visits we would go out and drink but it was always pretty responsible. Once he moved here it was like every night. I would go with him but it got to be too much for me and I havnt drank for a month now. He did slow down because I think he even realized he had a problem.. So he would drink on the weekends but I think he just became really bored. He's someone who would use alcohol to have fun and without it things just weren't fun... So in reality was he really missing home or just feeling like his life was boring without alcohol and then blaming me for it. A bit mental

 

He does have a huge bill from a bar fight so I guess that's kind of evidence. I just want to make sure I protect myself. I have seen different sides of him sense he has moved here and it's not someone who cares for others. He only cares for himself. 

[NYCruiser 423]

8 hours ago, Barbsco630 said:

okay I will have him sign something then. From what I have read it does matter. I think I am just worried about the whole threatening to try to get money out of me. I have always spent a lot of money on our relationship so its frustrating that he would want to try to get more out of me. especially after not really putting much effort into things.

I don't think you need to worry about assets before your marriage. It sounds like the few months you were married, would count on your earnings, but it is easy to get that information from your paystubs. 

 

Since you have not filed the AOS, you are not on the hook for him. If you divorce, or he goes back that is the end if it

[MeAlone 161]

Sorry for your troubles, it was very similar for me, let him go back, usually immigrants later regret leaving and ask to come back to US again. If you feel unsafe, and as I see you do, you have a good job, longer you stay married, more you could be responsible for alimony or his bills even if no AOS the judge can see he needs a financial support during and after divorce. If you are worrying about the financial part, file the annulment, see all paperwork online, I did it myself. The annulment is more expensive than a divorce but there is the part, if the judge doesn't believe you can have the annulment, he/she gives you the divorce anyway.

 

If your husband doesn't sign, you will need to do the legal publication in his country or in your state and let him know, I showed him the legal publication in chat online, it's enough prove you told him as in the legal publication he will have the court place, case # and he can appeal or contest it, usually he is given 20 days after publication.

 

Don't wait 1 year to divorce if you believe you will do it anyway, do it ASAP, he can make debts or more troubles for you if you stay longer. It's a very hard time for you and it will be long healing. Good Luck! My prayers for you

[Amiss5572 2]

5 hours ago, MeAlone said:

Sorry for your troubles, it was very similar for me, let him go back, usually immigrants later regret leaving and ask to come back to US again. If you feel unsafe, and as I see you do, you have a good job, longer you stay married, more you could be responsible for alimony or his bills even if no AOS the judge can see he needs a financial support during and after divorce. If you are worrying about the financial part, file the annulment, see all paperwork online, I did it myself. The annulment is more expensive than a divorce but there is the part, if the judge doesn't believe you can have the annulment, he/she gives you the divorce anyway.

 

If your husband doesn't sign, you will need to do the legal publication in his country or in your state and let him know, I showed him the legal publication in chat online, it's enough prove you told him as in the legal publication he will have the court place, case # and he can appeal or contest it, usually he is given 20 days after publication.

 

Don't wait 1 year to divorce if you believe you will do it anyway, do it ASAP, he can make debts or more troubles for you if you stay longer. It's a very hard time for you and it will be long healing. Good Luck! My prayers for you

I wouldn't think he would try to screw me over of anythjng but he's surprised me a great deal so I should probably be as safe as possible. If it were up to me I'd just move on with my life and not do anything. But he left here feeling pretty sorry for himself and maybe he will think that I have a financial obligation. 

 

Do they have the annulment papers on the group? Couldn't find anything. And how long was the process for you? Would the drinking problem and not being honest with me be a valid reason? 

 

Thanks for your help

[Amiss5572 2]

5 hours ago, MeAlone said:

Sorry for your troubles, it was very similar for me, let him go back, usually immigrants later regret leaving and ask to come back to US again. If you feel unsafe, and as I see you do, you have a good job, longer you stay married, more you could be responsible for alimony or his bills even if no AOS the judge can see he needs a financial support during and after divorce. If you are worrying about the financial part, file the annulment, see all paperwork online, I did it myself. The annulment is more expensive than a divorce but there is the part, if the judge doesn't believe you can have the annulment, he/she gives you the divorce anyway.

 

If your husband doesn't sign, you will need to do the legal publication in his country or in your state and let him know, I showed him the legal publication in chat online, it's enough prove you told him as in the legal publication he will have the court place, case # and he can appeal or contest it, usually he is given 20 days after publication.

 

Don't wait 1 year to divorce if you believe you will do it anyway, do it ASAP, he can make debts or more troubles for you if you stay longer. It's a very hard time for you and it will be long healing. Good Luck! My prayers for you

Also did you use a lawyer for your case? 

[trudi 1,317]

7 hours ago, Amiss5572 said:

Thanks this is good to know. When he came for visits we would go out and drink but it was always pretty responsible. Once he moved here it was like every night. I would go with him but it got to be too much for me and I havnt drank for a month now. He did slow down because I think he even realized he had a problem.. So he would drink on the weekends but I think he just became really bored. He's someone who would use alcohol to have fun and without it things just weren't fun... So in reality was he really missing home or just feeling like his life was boring without alcohol and then blaming me for it. A bit mental

 

He does have a huge bill from a bar fight so I guess that's kind of evidence. I just want to make sure I protect myself. I have seen different sides of him sense he has moved here and it's not someone who cares for others. He only cares for himself. 

He sounds like an immature twonk, I'm sorry you are going through this.  As a fellow Brit I can say it is a big adjustment, much bigger than I expected from visiting but he doesn't seem to be trying & you aren't responsible for his personal failings.

I would suggest that as he doesn't turn up to counseling and is clearly not invested in your marriage divorce & move on is your best option.

[NDB052714 122]

I feel for you both! The whole immigration thing is so hard...I don't want to discount that. Leaving home, family and friends....not being able to work...feeling isolated and totally dependent. I think most beneficiaries don't truly understand how different their lives will be...there's a tendency to romanticize being with the one you love and being in America (streets paved with gold and lots of opportunities, blah blah blah). The reality is so different! 

 

I suspect your husband is clinically depressed and his drinking just makes it worse. And it sounds like the two of you have fallen into a classic passive/aggressive relationship. It seems sad to me to throw away all you have without an intense effort to salvage it in a healthy way. Is there anyway to consider joint counseling? Would he go for that? Would you? Can you think of ways to get him out of the house...volunteer work? school? civic clubs? church?

 

Best of luck you to you. 

[Suss&Camm 2,213]

5 minutes ago, NDB052714 said:

I feel for you both! The whole immigration thing is so hard...I don't want to discount that. Leaving home, family and friends....not being able to work...feeling isolated and totally dependent. I think most beneficiaries don't truly understand how different their lives will be...there's a tendency to romanticize being with the one you love and being in America (streets paved with gold and lots of opportunities, blah blah blah). The reality is so different! 

Not all of us come from countries that view the US that way. Just saying, I think your view of other countries is also a bit off.

[LionessDeon 2,060]

48 minutes ago, Amiss5572 said:

Also did you use a lawyer for your case? 

Please please contact a reputable attorney. Trying to get divorce/annulment advise from VJ when everyone's situation differs and none of us are lawyers is not the best idea.  I'm sure there are good lawyers in your area that will give you some consultation. 

I see you've changed your profile name and stated he's left. Has he left the country?  

Edited August 25, 2017 by LionessDeon

[Amiss5572 2]

1 hour ago, NDB052714 said:

I feel for you both! The whole immigration thing is so hard...I don't want to discount that. Leaving home, family and friends....not being able to work...feeling isolated and totally dependent. I think most beneficiaries don't truly understand how different their lives will be...there's a tendency to romanticize being with the one you love and being in America (streets paved with gold and lots of opportunities, blah blah blah). The reality is so different! 

 

I suspect your husband is clinically depressed and his drinking just makes it worse. And it sounds like the two of you have fallen into a classic passive/aggressive relationship. It seems sad to me to throw away all you have without an intense effort to salvage it in a healthy way. Is there anyway to consider joint counseling? Would he go for that? Would you? Can you think of ways to get him out of the house...volunteer work? school? civic clubs? church?

 

Best of luck you to you. 

Yes I think we were both depressed making it difficult for either of us to be there for each other. And although he was from England I still think he thought that his life would be all roses and flowers once he got here. I just graduated school. I'm also 10 years younger then him. I'm just starting my life out so it's not like I live in some castle and our life's are all figured out. We both had to work for happiness and security. But he just wanted to go to the bars and have fun. Consumed with short term pleasure over long term. 

 

I am all for counseling. He sees it as unnecessary but still told me he would go. That's not possible anymore. When someone makes you feel like they don't care and just want to go home, there's nothing I can really do. 

[Amiss5572 2]

1 hour ago, LionessDeon said:

Please please contact a reputable attorney. Trying to get divorce/annulment advise from VJ when everyone's situation differs and none of us are lawyers is not the best idea.  I'm sure there are good lawyers in your area that will give you some consultation. 

I see you've changed your profile name and stated he's left. Has he left the country?  

Yeah my computer login is different then my cellular. I was a bit embarrassed because prior to this my post have been positive looking for advice on the visa. Oh well. 

 

I would hate to contact a lawyer because I've already spent so much money on this process. All the trips over rhe last 3 years. But I will contact one next week. Thanks 

[injejo14 17]

1 hour ago, NDB052714 said:

I feel for you both! The whole immigration thing is so hard...I don't want to discount that. Leaving home, family and friends....not being able to work...feeling isolated and totally dependent. I think most beneficiaries don't truly understand how different their lives will be...there's a tendency to romanticize being with the one you love and being in America (streets paved with gold and lots of opportunities, blah blah blah). The reality is so different! 

 

I suspect your husband is clinically depressed and his drinking just makes it worse. And it sounds like the two of you have fallen into a classic passive/aggressive relationship. It seems sad to me to throw away all you have without an intense effort to salvage it in a healthy way. Is there anyway to consider joint counseling? Would he go for that? Would you? Can you think of ways to get him out of the house...volunteer work? school? civic clubs? church?

 

Best of luck you to you. 

I fully agree with NDB052714 .. Moving to a new country is difficult and some what traumatic to the psyche. We imagine psychological trauma to only be associated with things like death but changing countries is a big event. "A traumatic event involves a singular experience or enduring event or events that completely overwhelm the individual's ability to cope or integrate the ideas and emotions involved with that experience" After i got married, i decided to stay in the US with my husband for 6 months during my CR1 process and those were very difficult months ( this despite the fact that i had lived in the US under an h1B several years prior. For me this was particularly hard because i gave up a successful high paying job in johannesburg, a good life...and i would often remind him of that.  Although we made the decision together, i still turned around and made him feel bad for me not feeling good about myself. I felt trapped. I too, found comfort in wine. It didnt help that i probably also had a case of SID during the winter time. After a couple of months, i admitted to myself that i was clinically depressed and got the help i needed but it was embarrassing to admit this. I pride myself in a being a strong person. Thankfully i had friends from when i lived there before and when i started to socialize more, i started to feel better.  I am so glad and relieved that i got the help i needed because my husband is a wonderful man and he was incredibly patient with me.  I have a friend who just moved to NY, we used to work together, he is struggling to find a job.. he admitted to me to having the same resentment feelings about "giving up a good life"...A lot of people struggle.

Given how much you love your husband, i hope you at least consider this before throwing it all away. 

Sending warm wishes to you!!

Edited August 25, 2017 by injejo14

[Amiss5572 2]

3 minutes ago, injejo14 said:

I fully agree with NDB052714 .. Moving to a new country is difficult and some what traumatic to the psyche. We imagine psychological trauma to only be associated with things like death but changing countries is a big event. "A traumatic event involves a singular experience or enduring event or events that completely overwhelm the individual's ability to cope or integrate the ideas and emotions involved with that experience" After i got married, i decided to stay in the US with my husband for 6 months during my CR1 process and those were very difficult months ( this despite the fact that i had lived in the US under an h1B several years prior. For me this was particularly hard because i gave up a successful high paying job in johannesburg, a good life...and i would often remind him of that.  Although we made the decision together, i still turned around and made him feel bad for me not feeling good about myself. I felt trapped. I too, found comfort in wine. It didnt help that i probably also had a case of SID during the winter time. After a couple of months, i admitted to myself that i was clinically depressed and got the help i needed but it was embarrassing to admit this. I pride myself in a being a strong person. Thankfully i had friends from when i lived there before and when i started to socialize more, i started to feel better.  I am so glad and relieved that i got the help i needed because my husband is a wonderful man and he was incredibly patient with me.  I have a friend who just moved to NY, we used to work together, he is struggling to find a job.. he admitted to me to having the same resentment feelings about "giving up a good life"...A lot of people struggle.

Given how much you love your husband, i hope you at least consider this before throwing it all away. 

Thanks for your input and I really appreciate it. I can try to understand how difficult it must be for him. But he keeps it bottled up inside. Then it comes out and I have no idea he feels that way and I take it as an attack on me. Whats so frustrating for me is when I then try to discuss it with him and he just tells me I'm argumentative. Like an 8 year old child.

 

It is not me that is willing to throw everything away. If he was able to take accountability for what he says and does, I could really see something working out for us. But he can't. He blames everything on me. Even when he came home wasted last night. Who would go to a strangers house to get drunk then come home and just want to leave the country? Expecting me to drive him to the airport at 11 at night after he didn't communicate with me. I asked him to come home so we could talk and he just ignores me and says he's going to get drunk. He acts like he dosnt care about me and I've also got a son who looks up to him. If he called me up and said, I really want to talk about things and make it work. Then I'd do whatever it takes.. But his ego is too big for that. So I'm at the point where I have to put up defenses to not be completely heartbroken. Usually I go chasing after him, begging him to come home and how sorry I am. I just can't keep doing that because it impacts my self esteem and self worth.