Bringing father of permanent resident

[Boiler 46,123]

2 hours ago, Russ&Caro said:

Haha, that's some serious overstatement. About 1 million people immigrate to the US every year, out of 6 billion who reside outside of the US. Even if you take the collective immigrants for the past 20 years, that's only a fraction of 1% of the world's population. So I'll give you that small percentage and re-state that 74.67% of the world seem to honor their parents enough to have them live out their days with them.

I was only considering those who have an opportunity to move, the 74.67% do not.

[Unlockable 7,315]

5 hours ago, Russ&Caro said:

I really don't understand this sentiment from Americans. In probably 75% or maybe even 90% of the world children take care of their aging parents. Period. Through broken bones, the worst diseases, the worst emotional issues, even dementia, people all over the world take care of their parents throughout their lives. These parents are surrounded by loved ones until they die.

 

Here in America, if a baby boomer is faced with taking care of an aging parent and one health thing occurs, it's off to the nursing home for dear old Dad. In fact, most times there doesn't even have to be a health care issue. If Mom dies and Dad doesn't cook, then it's off to an assisted living facility.

 

And it's millennials who have the bad reputation for being selfish and needing their own safe space. Sheesh. As a tail end baby boomer myself, I've always been embarrassed by my generation.

 

 

My grandfather died last year at the age of 87. He lived in the house he literally built ( he was a contractor and masonry). He did NOT want to go to any home and anybody, including family, who would have tried to make him leave his home they would have left his house limping.

 

My great grandmother and great grandfather both lived alone in their house they shared for 50 years well into their 90's and both died in said house. Family was by their side until their last breathe.

 

If I am lucky to live that long I would want to live in the home I built and not want my children to be burdened by me. 

 

I understand that sentiment you have about Americans not wanting to take care of their elderly parents but that is not the complete story. There is a since of pride that many Americans have. If they are of sound mind and body and want to continue to live the way they want then why shouldn't they. I have a 97 year old neighbor that still drives herself, btw.

 

Now here is where the difference between the examples I gave and others in different countries. Many elderly in those countries don't have the resources for longterm medical care, retirement, housing, etc. So their children become their resource. And nothing is wrong with that because family is the most fundamental and valuable resource. But if those same people had the same resources that Americans have then they would utilize them also.

 

My mother is older than my wife's mother but they are on the opposite end of the spectrum when it comes to resources available to them. My mother-in-law needs help. She has no money nor assets, hasn't worked in years, suffer from ailments where my wife and sister in law has to by her her medicine. She lives with my sister in law because she wouldn't be able to survive on her own. But her family has no problem taking care of her.

 

My mom bought a second house because her first house had to much land to maintain and she was got tired of the upkeep. So she is renting the first house out while the second home she lives in has an association that takes care of all upkeep. She suffers a greater ailment than my MIL but she has healthcare coverage where she gets the treatment she needs. She still works a good job and buys everything she needs. There have never been a time where my mother needed any of her children to take care of her. But when that time comes we will be there.

 

See the difference? There is nothing wrong with either way of life between these two women but you have to be careful not to curse one because they have better resources than the other.

 

 

Edited August 13, 2017 by NuestraUnion

[Ontarkie 14,499]

7 hours ago, Russ&Caro said:

I really don't understand this sentiment from Americans. In probably 75% or maybe even 90% of the world children take care of their aging parents. Period. Through broken bones, the worst diseases, the worst emotional issues, even dementia, people all over the world take care of their parents throughout their lives. These parents are surrounded by loved ones until they die.

 

Here in America, if a baby boomer is faced with taking care of an aging parent and one health thing occurs, it's off to the nursing home for dear old Dad. In fact, most times there doesn't even have to be a health care issue. If Mom dies and Dad doesn't cook, then it's off to an assisted living facility.

 

And it's millennials who have the bad reputation for being selfish and needing their own safe space. Sheesh. As a tail end baby boomer myself, I've always been embarrassed by my generation.

I don't think you can compare things just like that. Many Americans cannot be home with an aging parent. Many need to keep two incomes then add the cost of their medical and then the stress added to the family. It  is much different here then in most countries. 

[JFH 12,191]

9 hours ago, Ontarkie said:

I don't think you can compare things just like that. Many Americans cannot be home with an aging parent. Many need to keep two incomes then add the cost of their medical and then the stress added to the family. It  is much different here then in most countries. 

Indeed. Apples and oranges - the situations are completely different. The U.K. (and probably most other western countries) follows the same trend. Most children leave home when they grow up, and in many cases move to another city or state. They go to college in another city and settle into life there, meet someone, take employment there and build a new life there. My mother has 5 children (all grown and married now) and only one lives in the same county as her - and that's after he moved back from living in Mexico for 7 years. It's quite common for families to live scattered across the country. So if an aging patent is to be cared for by an adult offspring, either the adult offspring will have to uproot and move their entire family, find new schools fir the children, etc. Or the aging patent will have to leave the town they have lived happily in fir many years to go to a strange place where they know no one except their son/daughter and his/her spouse and children. Tough call!

 

There's nothing right or wrong about either way - it's just a cultural difference. It's more common in western countries to become completely independent of your parents and not feel the need to have them near you all your life. And most living situations do not lend themselves to easily accommodate extra people in your home. 

[Unlockable 7,315]

10 hours ago, Ontarkie said:

I don't think you can compare things just like that. Many Americans cannot be home with an aging parent. Many need to keep two incomes then add the cost of their medical and then the stress added to the family. It  is much different here then in most countries. 

 

1 hour ago, JFH said:

Indeed. Apples and oranges - the situations are completely different. The U.K. (and probably most other western countries) follows the same trend. Most children leave home when they grow up, and in many cases move to another city or state. They go to college in another city and settle into life there, meet someone, take employment there and build a new life there. My mother has 5 children (all grown and married now) and only one lives in the same county as her - and that's after he moved back from living in Mexico for 7 years. It's quite common for families to live scattered across the country. So if an aging patent is to be cared for by an adult offspring, either the adult offspring will have to uproot and move their entire family, find new schools fir the children, etc. Or the aging patent will have to leave the town they have lived happily in fir many years to go to a strange place where they know no one except their son/daughter and his/her spouse and children. Tough call!

 

There's nothing right or wrong about either way - it's just a cultural difference. It's more common in western countries to become completely independent of your parents and not feel the need to have them near you all your life. And most living situations do not lend themselves to easily accommodate extra people in your home. 

Totally agree.

 

Many cultures (particularly western cultures) have what I call a "bird's nest" approach to raise children. Raise them to be self sufficient then they are free to live their lives where ever or however they please. Nothing is wrong with that. If my son or daughter wanted to move across the world to achieve whatever goal they want to accomplish, who am I to tell them that they must remain with the family so we can all be in close proximity. Happens every day.

 

And there is nothing wrong with those who choose to remain close to their family.

 

 

[Russ&Caro 1,549]

I'll concede that the two described situations are different, although still comparable since they both involve taking care of elderly parents. Apples and oranges, not so much. I'm not so much critical of the fact that the Western world has created a 2nd option for taking care of the elderly, it's that many now perceive that it's the only option or at least the superior option. The OP has brought forth the point that she and her husband would like to care for his father within their home. This idea has been met on this forum, by some, with the opinion that the couple might be out of their league if any health difficulty should arise. This is a distinctly Western viewpoint.

 

I encountered this same viewpoint from my siblings when my wife and I wanted to care for my father in our home in his final years. They stared at me in abject horror of the idea and nixed it by majority vote.

 

Western ideas aren't necessarily the best ideas.

[Bambi & João 2]

I guess we all look at it differently. When my dad passed away in 2011, it was not expected. A blood clot passed through his heart while he was at work. He worked in construction and was in great shape ao no one even thought he had an issue. I knew my mom could not pay her mortgage and I could not pay both mine and hers either so I moved her in with me. She ended up going to live with my brother eventually because my bedrooms are upstairs and at his house she has a room on the main floor. She is living on just disability and climbing stairs is hard for her. 

 

My husband came here in January 2014 but about a year later his mom ended up having a heart attack. Completely unexpected as well. They both seemed healthy up until then. They ate healthy the traditional black beans, rice, and grilled chicken was their regular diet most lunches. His dad is still healthy. He still works but that isn't a promised thing. When my husband came here we talked about bringing his parents here from day 1. He does have a brother in Brazil but he lives far away in another state and it is pretty unlikely that he would go care for his dad. We will get the citizenship and then he can petition to bring his dad here. At that point he can retire and sell his home and just live with us.....hopefully in a warmer state by that time. 😀

[CEE53147 559]

On 8/11/2017 at 10:26 PM, Dee elle said:

I hear your heart but unfortunately life does not always take the path we plan....sitting with my 88 year old mother who 3 weeks ago was playing golf driving and totally independent. Today I sit at her hospital  bedside, she has a blood infection, and looks like needing nursing home care from now on. How one small thing changes everything . Plan for the worst and pray for the best. Certainly purpose  to not use nursing homes but make sure you can if circumstances require it. 

Some of the best advice I have seen lately.  I like your approach to life!