Fiancé left after 2 days in US

[ATX_Liz 10]

Sorry, I don't know if I'm posting in the correct forum...

I just need some encouragement. I picked up my fiancé Alfredo from the airport on Sunday morning. We spent all Sunday together and had a wonderful time. Yesterday we visited the lawyer to find out the next steps we needed to take. Last night he met my family and things went really well. 

I could tell he was struggling just a little bit with adjusting and was already feeling homesick. I did my best to be super loving and accommodating. Even though I could tell he was  having a hard time adjusting, overall everything was going really well. We were having a lot of fun together and were so happy to be together. 

We had decided I wouldn't move into our apartment until after we got married later this month. I went to the apartment today and all of his things were gone. 

He sent me an email saying that he just didn't think things were going to work and he was going back to Lima. 

And just like that, he's gone. Almost 2 years of dating, over. I'm heartbroken. I don't need anyone saying anything harsh to me right now about anything either of us should have done differently. We were in love (or at least I was), but apparently it wasn't enough. I dont know what I want, I guess I'm just hoping that there's anyone who's ever been in a similar situation who can just tell me that it's all going to be ok. 

My friends and family are being so loving and supportive, but I just need someone who understands what it's like to go through this crazy process all for nothing. 

[Coco8 1,042]

I'm so sorry you are going through this. He sounds kind of like a coward because she should have told you to your face. Plus, 2 days is less than a holiday. 

 

At least he left now and months after being here.

[ATX_Liz 10]

Thank you, and yes I agree, very cowardly. Really messing with my sense of self-worth right now too....to think that apparently he had to get away as fast as he could. I don't understand it at all. 

[theanswerisdance 144]

12 minutes ago, Liz&Alfredo said:

Sorry, I don't know if I'm posting in the correct forum...

I just need some encouragement. I picked up my fiancé Alfredo from the airport on Sunday morning. We spent all Sunday together and had a wonderful time. Yesterday we visited the lawyer to find out the next steps we needed to take. Last night he met my family and things went really well. 

I could tell he was struggling just a little bit with adjusting and was already feeling homesick. I did my best to be super loving and accommodating. Even though I could tell he was  having a hard time adjusting, overall everything was going really well. We were having a lot of fun together and were so happy to be together. 

We had decided I wouldn't move into our apartment until after we got married later this month. I went to the apartment today and all of his things were gone. 

He sent me an email saying that he just didn't think things were going to work and he was going back to Lima. 

And just like that, he's gone. Almost 2 years of dating, over. I'm heartbroken. I don't need anyone saying anything harsh to me right now about anything either of us should have done differently. We were in love (or at least I was), but apparently it wasn't enough. I dont know what I want, I guess I'm just hoping that there's anyone who's ever been in a similar situation who can just tell me that it's all going to be ok. 

My friends and family are being so loving and supportive, but I just need someone who understands what it's like to go through this crazy process all for nothing. 

I am so sorry for what you are going through. My heart hurts for you. 

 

Re: understanding that situation, I can tell you that my husband did something very similar before we got married (I came here on a K-1). He basically had a panic attack and totally freaked out, completely out of the blue (at least it was to me) and I was blindsided, especially since I was the one moving and leaving everything to be with him in his country. He even went so far as to write my bridesmaids private messages and tell them he was leaving me and didn't know how to cope and so on ( I don't know what purpose he thought it would serve). It's been several years since then and they've all forgiven him, but needless to say my friends weren't too thrilled with him at the time. We celebrate our 5th anniversary and 3rd wedding anniversary in a few months so it worked out fine, and he admits now that he panicked and still doesn't really know why. I think there was just so much happening and so much stress with immigration, long-distance engagement, me moving, a wedding, living together, etc. All of us on here can relate to that, for sure.

 

I don't know what your fiancé's motives were or what caused him to change his mind. But I do know this process is not for the faint of heart. Maybe he just felt claustrophobic and needed to go back to his comfort zone for a bit to calm down, and maybe you'll hear from him later. But if not, it is much better for you that you find out now, rather than later when you're married and you're responsible for him financially (in addition to everything else) for the duration of his immigration process with USCIS. But I know none of that logic helps a broken heart. I'm glad you have a good support system around you.

[Unlockable 7,314]

Sorry to hear what you are going through.

 

Did he actually go back to Lima? Like in bought a ticket and everything? Are you able to get in touch with him?

[kat.cap13 233]

I'm so sorry to hear this. I can only imagine how difficult that was for you at the end of this gruelling process. 

 

Though I've not been though this exact situation - I've been through similar situations, which have led me to where I am now. I know this sucks right now and it doesn't make sense but it seems to be for the best. Unfortunate way to find out but it would be much worse if you had gotten married or had children involved. 

 

The 90 days of the K1 visa is really a practice run for a life together and it can be extremely tough on some people. He should of had the decency to discuss his feelings face-to-face over running out on you. You deserve better and you will find someone to give you that.

 

Stay strong and surround yourself with friends and family, each day will get easier for you.

 

[ATX_Liz 10]

54 minutes ago, theanswerisdance said:

I am so sorry for what you are going through. My heart hurts for you. 

 

Re: understanding that situation, I can tell you that my husband did something very similar before we got married (I came here on a K-1). He basically had a panic attack and totally freaked out, completely out of the blue (at least it was to me) and I was blindsided, especially since I was the one moving and leaving everything to be with him in his country. He even went so far as to write my bridesmaids private messages and tell them he was leaving me and didn't know how to cope and so on ( I don't know what purpose he thought it would serve). It's been several years since then and they've all forgiven him, but needless to say my friends weren't too thrilled with him at the time. We celebrate our 5th anniversary and 3rd wedding anniversary in a few months so it worked out fine, and he admits now that he panicked and still doesn't really know why. I think there was just so much happening and so much stress with immigration, long-distance engagement, me moving, a wedding, living together, etc. All of us on here can relate to that, for sure.

 

I don't know what your fiancé's motives were or what caused him to change his mind. But I do know this process is not for the faint of heart. Maybe he just felt claustrophobic and needed to go back to his comfort zone for a bit to calm down, and maybe you'll hear from him later. But if not, it is much better for you that you find out now, rather than later when you're married and you're responsible for him financially (in addition to everything else) for the duration of his immigration process with USCIS. But I know none of that logic helps a broken heart. I'm glad you have a good support system around you.

I think you're exactly right. I think he just panicked and felt claustrophobic and there were so many changes happening all at once. I'm sad that he didn't even give us a chance, but in the end, it's at least better to know now. 

[ATX_Liz 10]

41 minutes ago, kat.cap13 said:

I'm so sorry to hear this. I can only imagine how difficult that was for you at the end of this gruelling process. 

 

Though I've not been though this exact situation - I've been through similar situations, which have led me to where I am now. I know this sucks right now and it doesn't make sense but it seems to be for the best. Unfortunate way to find out but it would be much worse if you had gotten married or had children involved. 

 

The 90 days of the K1 visa is really a practice run for a life together and it can be extremely tough on some people. He should of had the decency to discuss his feelings face-to-face over running out on you. You deserve better and you will find someone to give you that.

 

Stay strong and surround yourself with friends and family, each day will get easier for you.

 

Thank you so much for the kind words. It really is much better to know now than before we were married and possibly had kids.  Thankfully I have an amazing family who is already being so supportive. 

[ATX_Liz 10]

55 minutes ago, NuestraUnion said:

Sorry to hear what you are going through.

 

Did he actually go back to Lima? Like in bought a ticket and everything? Are you able to get in touch with him?

I was able to email him a bit. Last I heard he was in Houston (he had flown from Austin this morning) waiting on his flight to Lima. 

I truly believe that he really did go back. As much as I feel like he is a coward, I don't believe it was fraud. 

 

We were supposed to go home to visit my family in the Chicago area tomorrow. He sent me my ticket so I could still go, and he also sent a few thousand dollars to help with rent for the apartment we were supposed to share together. 

 

I think he is trying to do the right thing, but the way he went about it was incredibly cowardly and hurtful. Opening the door to our apartment to find all of his things gone was such a sickening feeling. 

 

But, if he truly feels like our marriage wouldn't have worked, then I guess he did us both a favor. 

[Maria1989 403]

I'm so very sorry that happened. Im at a total lost for words. My only concern is this was after less than 48 hours..... Totally weird. However best to know now. At least he isn't trying to leave you on the hook for a financial loss. I'm glad to hear that he was able to help you out on the apartment lease. It really doesn't sound like he was using you or any sort of fraud. It definitely sounds weird, but not fraud. It possibly could be cold feet, a change of heart..... Whatever it is, hopefully he can eventually tell you. That really helps for closure.  It's definitely better to happen now rather than later. Thank God for the support of family and friends, it will be crucial during a time like this. Be strong and best wishes !!! You will be ok😊 Positive Vibes 

[ATX_Liz 10]

3 hours ago, CookieCat said:

It just seems really unusual that someone would leave in 2 days. Was there someone (family or friends) or some situation that made him feel extremely uncomfortable in new surroundings during those 2 days? Have you asked him about this? Is this his first time in the U.S.?

Nope, it is the strangest thing. He lived in the US from the time he was 18 until he was 28 (when we met). He spent the last year and a half in Peru, but I didn't think he would have such a hard time getting back into American culture. 

He met a few members of my family last night and everyone was kind and loving and welcoming. We were going to fly to meet my parents tomorrow, but he had met them over FaceTime, and they liked him. 

Ive tried to ask him, but I don't think I will get much out of him. He hates any conversations that make him uncomfortable and avoids them at all costs. He's already blocked me on Facebook and WhatsApp. Thankfully he at least left email available.

My best guess is that he just got here and realized he wasn't in love anymore. Maybe he realized that sooner but thought it would get better once he got here. Under 48 hours in the US has GOT to be some sort of record for the shortest time in the US a k1 visa holder has ever stayed! 

[ATX_Liz 10]

1 hour ago, Maria1989 said:

I'm so very sorry that happened. Im at a total lost for words. My only concern is this was after less than 48 hours..... Totally weird. However best to know now. At least he isn't trying to leave you on the hook for a financial loss. I'm glad to hear that he was able to help you out on the apartment lease. It really doesn't sound like he was using you or any sort of fraud. It definitely sounds weird, but not fraud. It possibly could be cold feet, a change of heart..... Whatever it is, hopefully he can eventually tell you. That really helps for closure.  It's definitely better to happen now rather than later. Thank God for the support of family and friends, it will be crucial during a time like this. Be strong and best wishes !!! You will be ok😊 Positive Vibes 

Thank you so much for the kind words. This has definitely been an incredibly rough day. I guess maybe he did get cold feet or something. He is bad about panicking and running away from his problems. I actually feel sorry for him. 

[ATX_Liz 10]

3 hours ago, CookieCat said:

If he was here for 10 years, what was his immigration status during that time? Was he out of status? Why did he go back to Peru for 1.5 years? Do you think there's a possibility that he had you pursue a K1 just so he could come back here to the States? You don't have to answer any of these questions if you don't want to...I'm just trying to connect the dots as his case sounds so convoluted. Sorry for what you're going through, nobody deserves this. 

No worries, I will answer any questions! Maybe you can connect the dots better than I can! He was always here legally...he came here on a student visa and got his undergrad and masters degrees, then he got a special extension for 2 years where he was allowed to work in the US. I think that extension was only good for one year, but he got it twice. I met him toward the tail end of his time in the US. We broke up and he went back to Peru when his extension ran out in February 2016. In April 2016, we got back into contact and decided to date long distance. In November 2016 we began the k1 visa process. He honestly NEVER pressured me to apply for the visa. If anything, I was the one pressuring  him! I guess maybe that's the problem, or at least part of it. Maybe I pressured him to make a decision before he was ready. I was ready to begin the k1 process before he was, but he wanted to make sure we didn't rush into anything and that we got married for the right reason. I trusted his timing, but maybe it was still too soon. 

I don't really understand what happened, but in my heart I truly don't believe it was fraud. I kind of think he just panicked.

Edited August 2, 2017 by Liz&Alfredo

[TBoneTX 45,365]

Liz,

 

One of my grandmothers once told me this:

Everything happens for a reason.

 

The other told me:

This too shall pass.

 

As other contributors have said above, he's saved you a lot of time.

[TBoneTX 45,365]

3 minutes ago, Liz&Alfredo said:

Maybe I pressured him to make a decision before he was ready. I was ready to begin the k1 process before he was, but he wanted to make sure we didn't rush into anything and that we got married for the right reason. I trusted his timing, but maybe it was still too soon. 

"Readiness" is perhaps the most universally overlooked aspect of trying to form a relationship.  We have ALL misjudged this, or been misjudged, during our lives.

 

From what you've written, it doesn't sound to me that there was any intended fraud, either.

 

I'll add as a separate point that your analysis of the situation is remarkable.  You seem to be very aware and self-aware, which is admirable.