thai bride price Thai bride sin sod amounts

[Ula Svensson 8]

Hi KULtoATL, I know your question is mainly for our friend Ning, who is far more knowledgeable than me but just a quick word about that..

As for the timeline, in our case, except for the time difference, which really doesn't keep us apart too much due to our schedules, we have been pretty much inseparable for just about a year, on video chat, voice calls and non stop texting... we are really like an old fashioned couple.. she will just call me name out as if I was n the next room and I will say yes to her and that is wonderful... But it's something that we, as modern people feel comfortable to talk about and although I don't approve of it myself, I do realize it is the culture to some extent still and respect that and will do it for her peace with her family and for her family's pride and face value in their village, which is what alot of it has to do with... Thank for everyone's input again and the reason I keep adding details is so everyone can grasp a better understanding, which is why we are here... and why I wanted to discuss it with her in the first place, and by the way, the topic was mutually begun by both of us 

[KULtoATL 1,551]

2 minutes ago, calyorker said:

Hi KULtoATL, I know your question is mainly for our friend Ning, who is far more knowledgeable than me but just a quick word about that..

As for the timeline, in our case, except for the time difference, which really doesn't keep us apart too much due to our schedules, we have been pretty much inseparable for just about a year, on video chat, voice calls and non stop texting... we are really like an old fashioned couple.. she will just call me name out as if I was n the next room and I will say yes to her and that is wonderful... But it's something that we, as modern people feel comfortable to talk about and although I don't approve of it myself, I do realize it is the culture to some extent still and respect that and will do it for her peace with her family and for her family's pride and face value in their village, which is what alot of it has to do with... Thank for everyone's input again and the reason I keep adding details is so everyone can grasp a better understanding, which is why we are here... and why I wanted to discuss it with her in the first place, and by the way, the topic was mutually begun by both of us 

Hey  For starters, I am the foreign beneficiary of this couple and coming from Asia, I understand a fair bit about the culture of giving dowry to the lady's side. I also am aware of people coming from poor countries or backgrounds to expect the gentleman to support the lady's family after marriage (sometimes the support begins before marriage even) or even just for the sake of improving their reputation among relatives and villagers. If the guy is able and is willing to provide the support, to each their own. Obviously it is not my money and I shouldn't have a say in it.

 

However, I'm just a bit shocked by the amount of dowry that was asked of you. THB1.5 million amounts to $45,000 in USD (MYR192,000 in my currency), that is a sh-t load of money to say the least. It almost seemed like the lady is being sold to a bidder! 

 

As much as you feel like you are a couple, an online relationship is just that, before you actually spend time in person. Personally, if there wasn't already talk of marriage nor is she engaged to you, it really is kinda premature for that kinda discussion to have come up despite it being initiated by the both of you. As it was pointed out by others earlier, the sum of the dowry is not fixed. It's usually a negotiation between both sides. Once again, THB1.5 million/USD45,000 is an overreach. It is probably a whole lot cheaper if you were to just build them a house and pay for all of it plus forking out every dime for the wedding in Thailand. For real. 

 

Unless you are actually gonna get married, don't pay the dowry. Pay only a reasonable amount of dowry and within your ability when the time comes. Be very cautious because you never know if someone is trying to scam you or rip you off. Don't get reversed psyched into things. Sometimes people make you feel guilty or sorry for them just so they can gain what they want from you regardless of their reasons. 

 

All the best with your relationship! Hopefully it is as real as you think it is and it is a love partnership instead of a mere business relationship. 

 

[Ula Svensson 8]

KULtoATL, yes everything you said is true! Thank you and I am on top of it all believe me hehe... I grew up in Los Angeles, a very fast life and I won't get scammed, I'm far too cautious but I had already told her I was insulted by that amount and that it's not a realistic amount from ANYONE for her. If she was from a very rich family and a supermodel, yes, sure but they would give that money back to you anyways.. I basically told her that I wouldn't be upset if she wanted to forget me in hopes some billionaire would come along to make everyone happy but she gets very upset and cries easily hehe... even as I type she's texting me and she's so reserved and sweet so I thank you again my friend!

[Seth And Quynh 77]

Why not meet her first???

[Comic 66]

Call me evil but I wouldn't pay a dime. 

[Ula Svensson 8]

Yes, ofcourse that would be the plan and we will play it by ear... although she reveres her mother and family she doesn't like the situation either and she KNOWS I will never pay that much so if she did want to hit the road she would have so I think she's a good girl.. she has asked me for time to finish earning the money to build the house for the family and then she wants to be with me so maybe this coming year it will happen, and I will have a youtube channel to document our lives together, thank you Seth and Quynh!!

[Ula Svensson 8]

Hey comic, yah, I feel you, I'm right there with you hehe and that's what it might come to... honestly it isn't like they're trying to play me because I knew about sin sod before I made the first move to meet her, so I knew it would possibly come up one day...

[Boiler 45,756]

Not familiar with Thai custom but I am with Jane Austin, she is 30! Well past her sell by date, they should be paying you.

[Ning 619]

1 hour ago, calyorker said:

hi ning, thanks for your input. I understand quite a bit. I'm not fixated on the money. I'm in love with what of know of her so far, as I had said...

She didn't bring up the sin sod and she didn't want to but since we are starting to plan for the future, something any sensible person would do, especially when thinking about a long term relationship does... She knew I'd never pay that much, even if I had it, which she knows I don't because I told her I'm on disability...

She's the one saying that she doesn't want to talk about it and this topic I posed to the community is just for me to confirm everything I already know, I've seen hundreds of videos on youtube by farangs from every country in the world about life in Thailand and every aspect of the culture and expectations.. There's also hundreds of videos by Thais and talking about the realities of it all, so I do do my homework and take a little bit from everyone with a grain of salt..

You spoke of foundations built on trust and respect hehe, that's my main point here is that even though it's a semi "cultural" phenomenon, any bartering for cash throws all of that right out of the window and ofcourse there would be negotiations and she would ensure that if they promised to give some back they would or the rest of their lives would be miserable.. I know and would insist on taking care of them by visiting and sending a check every month at least for a while and she doesn't want to ever return to Thailand after she emigrates to the US, which she will...

Obviously I WILL be able to afford any cost that agreed upon.. If things don't work out between us, I can assure you it won't be the money issues, it will be that she simply doesn't want to leave her families side and the way they slave and break her to the bone to do everything for all of them, that's a big reason why I want to help her, she's really upset and miserable all the time...

anyways, thank you again

 

I am not surprised to find your questions and plans are about money from the beginning until I remember you haven't even met her yet. Everything you have discussed is about money yet you say it isn't important. Its one aspect that shouldn't be a part of the discussion at this point. 

I lived in Thailand for 35 years so have a good idea of how things are done. You may learn, but with what you know now you have a lot more homework to do. My advice is to begin at the beginning. 

[KULtoATL 1,551]

17 minutes ago, calyorker said:

KULtoATL, yes everything you said is true! Thank you and I am on top of it all believe me hehe... I grew up in Los Angeles, a very fast life and I won't get scammed, I'm far too cautious but I had already told her I was insulted by that amount and that it's not a realistic amount from ANYONE for her. If she was from a very rich family and a supermodel, yes, sure but they would give that money back to you anyways.. I basically told her that I wouldn't be upset if she wanted to forget me in hopes some billionaire would come along to make everyone happy but she gets very upset and cries easily hehe... even as I type she's texting me and she's so reserved and sweet so I thank you again my friend!

FYI, dowry is never paid back to the payer  No matter how little or how much you ended up giving to her parents for her hand in marriage, believe me, they keep the money. None of the money would even go to her. I'm Chinese by descent and we have the whole dowry culture too and I remember my aunt tossing her engagement ring at her husband-to-be when he was trying to negotiate the dowry down to an amount that he can handle. It was amusing! 

[Ula Svensson 8]

All the talking of money, I'm doing here, her and I have barely discussed it for more than a few  moments... It is the topic I have here and I'm just getting information.. Thank you everyone

[Ning 619]

16 hours ago, calyorker said:

haha yes I know I'm the Farang but you know what, she knows I'm on disability and everything is temporary now for me... so she still insists that the sin sod is not important for her. And she's intent on building this house for them all by herself because I always ask her what I can do to help..  Because of her government job, bank account and properties in her name, she is able to travel on a tourist visa anytime, that she has already been assured by them so she says she want's to meet some time next year.. But now anything less would upset her mother and things would never be smooth between us... hmm I don't know mate.. Cheers!

Please use caution here. There are many good people in Thailand of course but I suggest care in looking at all of this. She sounds like a picture of stability especially for a Thai. Why is she as you said " miserable "? 

She can obtain a tourist visa? Based of what she told you? Then ask her to come to meet you in the USA. 

[Ula Svensson 8]

Yes some or all of the money can be returned.. according to her, her parents would give us half of whatever we pay back so we can start our life together.. I have seen hundreds of stories of where some or all of it was given back.. I doubt that if they agree upon something they would risk throwing everything in their future away...I would not feel comfortable paying more than 200,000 bhat but I would start the negotiations with 100,000 and see where it goes... Frankly all this talk about it is making me upset and makes me want to just go to the Phillipines to live on a beach and grill fresh fish.. I dont like regret and if they still think that they will ever get 1.5 million bhat then I will have to say goodbye because thats a huge insult to me and my senses and its their way of saying goodbye

[Ning 619]

2 minutes ago, calyorker said:

Yes some or all of the money can be returned.. according to her, her parents would give us half of whatever we pay back so we can start our life together.. I have seen hundreds of stories of where some or all of it was given back.. I doubt that if they agree upon something they would risk throwing everything in their future away...I would not feel comfortable paying more than 200,000 bhat but I would start the negotiations with 100,000 and see where it goes... Frankly all this talk about it is making me upset and makes me want to just go to the Phillipines to live on a beach and grill fresh fish.. I dont like regret and if they still think that they will ever get 1.5 million bhat then I will have to say goodbye because thats a huge insult to me and my senses and its their way of saying goodbye

My husband didn't even talk to anyone about this subject. He took care of our mom then & does to this day 12 years later but refused to put on a show for others. We are happy to help when we can like any family would. 

I suggest you pay what you feel is fair while realizing the family will need help in the years to come. Save a little for the beach house & fish. 

[Ula Svensson 8]

Ning, Yes ofcourse there are so many great Thai people, she is very stable but she is miserable because she has the world on her shoulders.. she is a nurse in a place very understaffed ad she works there most of her days, she gets very little sleep and then runs back to work more hours to save money for the house that her parents told her to buy them she believes its her responsibility...  We are talking about her coming to visit me first and that would be next year sometime, then I would go there for the Thai wedding and begin the visa process... she wants to be a nurse here and she does take english classes although her english is ok now