I'm encountering domestic, need help

[tiyyo 68]

2 hours ago, J2j said:

Hey guys, when I was dating my husband, his behaviours actually gradually showing up to me and I'm glad that I have noticed these signs at an early stage. I actually lived in the US for couple of months shortly in 2016, I had a fight with him because he wouldn't come out of the closet as a gay man and denied any of my involvement in his life (e.g. Placing my stuff in another room when his friends visit, tear down our photos on the fridge door, avoid any body contact when we are outside etc.) that time, he slapped me and kinda seriously injured my chest and my chest had been painful for more than a month. Then I left him for good and blocked out all my contacts with him but after two months he contacted me through email and keep promising me everything will be different and came out of the closet, officially annonced it on Facebook. He even hired a lawyer to start filling K1 for me. As he said quote on quote: we are both men, sometimes we fight, it's normal. I thought all these confusions were probably caused because he was going through a major transition in his life. I remember I had been crying so hard so many times when we'd have to be seperate at the airports. This, I decided to quit my job in China where my employer actually want to make me stay so that he would like to allocate 20% of company's share to me. I thought I will have a better life with him, as we discussed, I thought it was love. But at this stage, I feel frightened and I have so many self doubts that I almost feel certain I need to see a phycologist because he makes me feel there is something wrong with me. When I started doing some researches I really have realised, it's not my fault which makes me think I shouldn't be too cruel to myself anymore. I do love him I believe he loves me too but this abuse isn't going to stop anywhere, I've tried to help him and when he was sober he recongnised all his issues and he promised promised to me many times he will cut out drinking and smoking less pot, but it's not getting any better. I know this is only my story, may not sound convencinng to all of you. But he has put me in a place I can't contact my friends or parents anymore about my own issues. I don't want them to perceive me as having too many issues and complain too much. That's why I posted on here. And all of you are very very kind to me! I sincerely appreciated all of your help! And it has been very helpful too, I emailed my lawyer yesterday, I have to schedule another meeting with him to discuss this. 

It sounds like your husband has had a quite a huge transition being scared to be outed then finally coming out publicly. 

It also sounds like he is trying to self medicate himself too. I truly believe  the only way to stay together is to get him and yourself into some kind of couple therapy. There is a lot of issues that has to addressed.

BUT in saying that, you HAVE to keep yourself safe. Nobody deserves to be belittled verbally or physically hurt.

BE SAFE!

 

[KozmicBlues 592]

I don't have any advice as for immigration because I'm not sure of how it works in your situation. I just wanted to say that I'm really sorry for what you are going through, but you are obviously incredible strong and you will get through this. It takes such a strong person to recognize this kind of abuse and accept that you need to remove yourself from the situation. Please just get yourself safe ASAP. Even if it means having to leave the country and go back home. Being able to stay in this country is definitely not worth your safety or worth being abused and degraded in such an awful way. You deserve better than that and it is not okay for him to treat you that way. Wishing you all the best. 

[Dutchster 1,107]

4 hours ago, mcdull said:

sounds like a normal married life to me.

 

Maybe go to couple therapy first?

 

If that's normal I need to go to the liquor store and buy my husband alcohol (he doesn't drink at all) so he can get piss drunk and I'll also ask him to threaten me because boy, do I have a weird marriage right now as he doesn't do anything like that! 

 

[Dutchster 1,107]

OP,  the way your husband acts towards you does sound a lot like narcissistic personality disorder. I might not have a partner who has it but I lived with my mother who has it, plus she drank too. No matter if it is your spouse, your parent, sister, aunt - you got to protect yourself. It messed me up so bad during those years of being under her roof and I am still battling the aftermath of dealing with such behavior. If you feel like you can't do it anymore, leave. No one deserves it to be treated this way. Find a place to stay. Make sure to have evidence of his abusive, controlling behavior so you can file VAWA if you desire to stay in the US.
 

Edited July 19, 2017 by Dutchster

[fcl 42]

5 hours ago, mcdull said:

sounds like a normal married life to me.

 

Maybe go to couple therapy first?

 

Just because your marriage or relationship is a living hell, doesn't mean it's "normal" for everyone. I have no idea how you were raised, but this kind of abuse is not an ok marriage thing. 

[amul 229]

4 hours ago, J2j said:

At this stage, I'm really concerned as if this whole process is going to take a lot of time of my life, I think it's better for me to leave him and leave America too. There is nothing more important than being happy and appreciated to me. USCIS is like a secret government agent to me, really really helpless when it comes to deal with them.

 

As per OP, he does indicate that being happy is the most important thing, not staying/enduring abuse for the sake of a green card. Going by this statement, he is here for the right reasons -- love and his marriage. 

 

Granted all this, @J2j if you want to stay, get out, insure your safety and then work on your immigration status. Maybe someone here can give you a more in depth immigration suggestions to help you achieve just that. 

 

Can he adjust his status on his own (after moving out) at this point? 

[mcdull 474]

42 minutes ago, fcl said:

Just because your marriage or relationship is a living hell, doesn't mean it's "normal" for everyone. I have no idea how you were raised, but this kind of abuse is not an ok marriage thing. 

Maybe I should worry about how you were raised, to have that magical power to diagnose over internet fibre and concluding one's marriage is a living hell.

 

I recommended OP couple therapy. 

[Going through 5,671]

1 hour ago, amul said:

Can he adjust his status on his own (after moving out) at this point? 

Through VAWA, yes, if he can prove he had to move out due to concerns over his physical safety/emotional/mental suffering.  His own declaration about how his marriage is counts as proof, too.  As well as statements from a friend who puts him up, a statement from a shelter for battered spouses, etc.

 

@J2jThere was a legal case in the papers years ago where a woman had no way of proving abuse by her husband.  She'd never filed charges or petitioned for a restraining order.  She was isolated for the most part and didn't have much in ways of family and friends around her.  And she never told anyone what was going on at home.  What ended up proving her case in court later on was, unbeknownst to her, a co-worker (who had a hunch) had testified about writing in a diary every date this woman had walked in with a noticeable bruise or a self-wrapped sprained wrist/ankle/etc. and the excuse she gave when it was commented on.  Every single date for almost a year.  The co-worker had become her eye-witness in a secret way.  And the documentation she'd done was invaluable. 

 

My point in bringing this up, is that you never know who knows about your situation when you THINK they don't...none of your friends or family knows...they may know more than you think.  Hopefully you can lean on them later on for support if needed.

Edited July 19, 2017 by Going through

[amul 229]

6 minutes ago, Going through said:

Through VAWA, yes, if he can prove he had to move out due to concerns over his physical safety/emotional/mental suffering.  His own declaration about how his marriage is counts as proof, too.  As well as statements from a friend who puts him up, a statement from a shelter for battered spouses, etc.

 

@J2jThere was a legal case in the papers years ago where a woman had no way of proving abuse by her husband.  She'd never filed charges or petitioned for a restraining order.  She was isolated for the most part and didn't have much in ways of family and friends around her.  And she never told anyone what was going on at home.  What ended up proving her case in court later on was, unbeknownst to her, a co-worker (who had a hunch) had testified about writing in a diary every date this woman had walked in with a noticeable bruise or a self-wrapped sprained wrist/ankle/etc. and the excuse she gave when it was commented on.  Every single date for almost a year.  The co-worker had become her eye-witness in a secret way.  And the documentation she'd done was invaluable. 

 

My point in bringing this up, is that you never know who knows about your situation when you THINK they don't...none of your friends or family knows...they may know more than you think.  Hopefully you can lean on them later on for support if needed.

This, exactly!  Thank you @Going through!

 

@J2j -- any way you can document some of his "outbursts" in text, email or recorded format? 

[TexasHeartsIndia 371]

22 hours ago, jdb said:

I am so sorry you feel that way. Can it be because you are just feeling homesick and you miss your family back home? This happened to me. The first few months of me here in the US I felt really really depressed, like I got the whole America on my back. My husband and I consistently fought on those first months. There was NEVER a day that we did't argue. There were some days too that he was like your husband, saying he's a pretty guy and he makes lots of money ( which is true ) so we fought more for him being so cocky. My advise is, maybe go together to the therapy? Tell him that you guys need to work together if you want to save your marriage. If he is Borderline and Narcissistic, you definitely should go to counseling, have him check, but do this with nice and positive attitude. If you feel like you can't really do it anymore, just tell him, and leave the realtionship. I hope it goes well.

 

On my case, I've been here almost 4 years, been married almost 4 years as well, got two kids and we still fight - but just normal usual marriage fights. So maybe try to do counseling if you feel that you can do it. Good luck.

I don't know if anyone has addressed this post, but I have to say that this attitude is flat out WRONG! No one should tolerate being threatened, verbally abused, or having their spouse come home late in the night completely intoxicated on a regular basis. This isn't normal marital behavior. This is more than just arguing. This is abuse. Should he wait until the spouse becomes physically abusive?? NO! The behavior described is completely unacceptable.

 

I know my fiance will need time to adjust and it will be an emotional roller coaster until we settle into our married life - but there are no excuses for verbal abuse or threats of violence. Period.

[amishbaby 407]

23 hours ago, J2j said:

Hi everyone,  

 

I know what I'm going to write is probably a little bit disturbing but I don't know who to talk to and who to turn to because of my situation. So I would be much appreciated if anyone could help.

 

I entered America holding a K-1 visa and I got married with him in April, 2017. We have actually been together for two years now. Recently I just can't really stand him anymore. 

 

We met in America when I was on my best friend's wedding. During the past two years we have made a lot of efforts to visit each other as much as possible. He was very charming, intersting and caring at the very beginning. But after really living with him since we got married I started to realise there are a lot of issues with him. 

He would constantly blame me for everything. He wants me to do everything with him, going to supermarket, going out drinking and even just going to the convenience store and get an ice cream. He smokes weed and drink alcohol every day.  He gets so drunk almost on every weekend when he goes out with his friends. (I'm not a huge fun of night drinking) and comes home after mid- night, he will be so verbally abusive towards me. Trying to devalue me saying things like I don't have a job, I don't have friends in America, I don't have money, my English is bad etc. I told him so many times, the reason why I don't have a job is I'm still waiting for my EDA. It has been really frustrating, he often threatens my life too. I just feel so scared when he closes the door. And when he wakes up another day he will deny everything and claims he doesn't remember anything. He definitely didn't say that. And I made it all up. 

 

So after talking with my lawyer and consulting with the domestic hotline I have started recording when he gets abusive towards me. He admitted to me he has manic but recently by doing researches I think he has Borderline Disorder and Narcissistic Disorder too. He always tells me that he is so handsome, he makes a lot of money and whenever there's something wrong turns up, I'm always the one to blame.  And I can't criticise him or say bad things about him at all. I tried to get him to see a psychologist but he said there is nothing wrong with him that I made all this up and I'm actually the one who needs to see a doctor. He has one time told me he just felt like he needed to punish me. And I just don't know why. At the moment I'm just really trying hard not to do anything wrong to make him angry...

 

I submitted my I-485, I-131 and I-765 all in April and all my cases are still pending. I have consulted with my lawyer, he suggested me to try and make the relationship work rather than file petition by myself because it's costly and time consuming. I believe to prove that I have been living in extreme conditions not only that I have to find a psychologist but also I need to be evaluated by one. 

Can anybody give me any advise? What should I do? Can I file a divorce after I receive my Green card? What do I need to do to ensure it won't affect my immigrant statues. I still want to live in America. And because we are a gay couple so I don't know if there are any laws that actually I can use. Please no hate. 

 

J

If he is really narcissistic, it won't get better (although we always hope it will).. as sad as it is to say. Diagnosing someone is not a good thing to do since most of the time you end up incorrect about the diagnosis, but I'm fluent on the topic of narcissism and know a little too much on the personality disorder. He can't seek therapy unless he wants to and can't be forced to change or he won't actually change. Most of the time narcissists put their victims through the idealize, devalue, and discard stage so you go through it over and over again. He might say it will never happen again, but it always ends up reoccurring unfortunately. I say this based off of a personal experience with and a survivor. I will say if you don't feel safe, you're not happy, and nothing is getting better the best option for you would be to remove yourself from that situation. Narcissists are very emotionally, psychologically, and physically abusive. If he is verbally abusing you, it could get worse. I'm sorry you have to go through that, and I empathize with your situation. The best option is the one your gut and your mind says. From what you said, it could be narcissism you're dealing with but even if it's not, the most important thing is how you feel.. I hope things can possibly get better for the two of you. Your happiness is the most important thing. I genuinely hope that is not the case.... personality disorders of the cluster B spectrum are very difficult to treat. 
 

Edited July 19, 2017 by amishbaby

[Dutchster 1,107]

3 hours ago, mcdull said:

Maybe I should worry about how you were raised, to have that magical power to diagnose over internet fibre and concluding one's marriage is a living hell.

 

I recommended OP couple therapy. 

I should worry about your perspective of a normal marriage. And you have also the magical power to diagnose over the internet fiber concluding that one''s marriage is perfectly normal while it's not. Worry, please.

[J2j 6]

Hey guys, sorry it said I have reached my daily post limits earlier. 

 

In the afternoon I messaged his sister and his monther. They both strongly suggested me to leave him. His mother told me a lot of things that I didn't know before. It's outrageous and said he has been like this since he's a child and it's only getting worse. 

[Going through 5,671]

10 hours ago, J2j said:

Hey guys, sorry it said I have reached my daily post limits earlier. 

 

In the afternoon I messaged his sister and his monther. They both strongly suggested me to leave him. His mother told me a lot of things that I didn't know before. It's outrageous and said he has been like this since he's a child and it's only getting worse. 

You need to start documenting things if you haven't already.  Whether you use the documentation for immigration purposes or later for a divorce agreement, you need to start documenting because it is so important.  If you are afraid of using a physical notebook because he may find it, there's another way to do it...set up a second email address (or use your regular email if he doesn't have the password to it) and log it in there as a "draft message" to yourself each time you have something to write about.  You can also attach photos you might take of yourself to show any bruises, or any destruction of property he may do in fits of anger.  Make sure to note the date of each occurrence, where you were, what was said by both of you to the best of your recollection, who may have witnessed it, who you told if anyone, etc.  Keep emotion and opinions out of your documentation---just state the facts as they happened.  You can back-document too to the best of your memory and estimate at least the month and year (try to recall if it was around a holiday, if it was snowing or hot, etc. when trying to estimate the month).  

 

Even this thread you started is a form of documentation and a declaration so take screen shots and upload them as attachments into an email message, if you are concerned about printing it out and leaving it where he may find it.  

[J2j 6]

2 minutes ago, Going through said:

You need to start documenting things if you haven't already.  Whether you use the documentation for immigration purposes or later for a divorce agreement, you need to start documenting because it is so important.  If you are afraid of using a physical notebook because he may find it, there's another way to do it...set up a second email address (or use your regular email if he doesn't have the password to it) and log it in there as a "draft message" to yourself each time you have something to write about.  You can also attach photos you might take of yourself to show any bruises, or any destruction of property he may do in fits of anger.  Make sure to note the date of each occurrence, where you were, what was said by both of you to the best of your recollection, who may have witnessed it, who you told if anyone, etc.  Keep emotion and opinions out of your documentation---just state the facts as they happened.  You can back-document too to the best of your memory and estimate at least the month and year (try to recall if it was around a holiday, if it was snowing or hot, etc. when trying to estimate the month).  

 

Even this thread you started is a form of documentation and a declaration so take screen shots and upload them as attachments into an email message, if you are concerned about printing it out and leaving it where he may find it.  

Thank you! I've started doing it after I called the national domestic violence hotline earlier before. They told me I have to protect myself, take photos or very discreetly record him when he is abusive towards him..I keep a diary too, have ever since documented every incident for about 24 pages now. Thank you!