I'm encountering domestic, need help

[Randyandyuni 2,682]

again, the biggest thing is to be safe, even at the expense of moving home if necessary. Please take care of yourself. I noticed you are also in Columbus, if you need someone to talk to, I am sure my wife would be happy to

[Ontarkie 14,236]

~~Moved to Effects of Major Family Changes, from K1 P&P - As similar threads are discussed here.~~

Edited July 19, 2017 by Ontarkie

[mcdull 474]

14 hours ago, J2j said:

Hi everyone,  

 

I know what I'm going to write is probably a little bit disturbing but I don't know who to talk to and who to turn to because of my situation. So I would be much appreciated if anyone could help.

 

I entered America holding a K-1 visa and I got married with him in April, 2017. We have actually been together for two years now. Recently I just can't really stand him anymore. 

 

We met in America when I was on my best friend's wedding. During the past two years we have made a lot of efforts to visit each other as much as possible. He was very charming, intersting and caring at the very beginning. But after really living with him since we got married I started to realise there are a lot of issues with him. 

He would constantly blame me for everything. He wants me to do everything with him, going to supermarket, going out drinking and even just going to the convenience store and get an ice cream. He smokes weed and drink alcohol every day.  He gets so drunk almost on every weekend when he goes out with his friends. (I'm not a huge fun of night drinking) and comes home after mid- night, he will be so verbally abusive towards me. Trying to devalue me saying things like I don't have a job, I don't have friends in America, I don't have money, my English is bad etc. I told him so many times, the reason why I don't have a job is I'm still waiting for my EDA. It has been really frustrating, he often threatens my life too. I just feel so scared when he closes the door. And when he wakes up another day he will deny everything and claims he doesn't remember anything. He definitely didn't say that. And I made it all up. 

 

So after talking with my lawyer and consulting with the domestic hotline I have started recording when he gets abusive towards me. He admitted to me he has manic but recently by doing researches I think he has Borderline Disorder and Narcissistic Disorder too. He always tells me that he is so handsome, he makes a lot of money and whenever there's something wrong turns up, I'm always the one to blame.  And I can't criticise him or say bad things about him at all. I tried to get him to see a psychologist but he said there is nothing wrong with him that I made all this up and I'm actually the one who needs to see a doctor. He has one time told me he just felt like he needed to punish me. And I just don't know why. At the moment I'm just really trying hard not to do anything wrong to make him angry...

 

I submitted my I-485, I-131 and I-765 all in April and all my cases are still pending. I have consulted with my lawyer, he suggested me to try and make the relationship work rather than file petition by myself because it's costly and time consuming. I believe to prove that I have been living in extreme conditions not only that I have to find a psychologist but also I need to be evaluated by one. 

Can anybody give me any advise? What should I do? Can I file a divorce after I receive my Green card? What do I need to do to ensure it won't affect my immigrant statues. I still want to live in America. And because we are a gay couple so I don't know if there are any laws that actually I can use. Please no hate. 

 

J

sounds like a normal married life to me.

 

Maybe go to couple therapy first?

 

[Randyandyuni 2,682]

1 minute ago, mcdull said:

sounds like a normal married life to me.

 

Maybe go to couple therapy first?

 

binge drinking, black outs, abusive and demeaning comments, threatening death, these are not normal married life, no person should allow themselves to be treated this way. Look into groups in your area that assist battered women, like House of Ruth, County Agencies, Church Groups, they can get you better levels of support than can be offered here

[mcdull 474]

1 minute ago, Randyandyuni said:

binge drinking, black outs, abusive and demeaning comments, threatening death, these are not normal married life, no person should allow themselves to be treated this way. Look into groups in your area that assist battered women, like House of Ruth, County Agencies, Church Groups, they can get you better levels of support than can be offered here

battered women? I thought OP is a gay man?

[Randyandyuni 2,682]

the concept is still the same, agencies exist to support battered spouses

[Going through 5,671]

5 minutes ago, mcdull said:

sounds like a normal married life to me.

Personally, I wouldn't consider my spouse threatening my life and being physically afraid of them on a constant basis "normal married life".

[Eric-Pris 1,606]

14 hours ago, J2j said:

I have consulted with my lawyer, he suggested me to try and make the relationship work rather than file petition by myself because it's costly and time consuming.

If you don't feel safe with your husband, don't listen to this idiot lawyer and get out.  This guy is more worried about immigration, money, and green card over your safety.

[J2j 6]

1 hour ago, Randyandyuni said:

again, the biggest thing is to be safe, even at the expense of moving home if necessary. Please take care of yourself. I noticed you are also in Columbus, if you need someone to talk to, I am sure my wife would be happy to

Thank you, yes I'm in Columbus!! Would love to !

[J2j 6]

Hey guys, when I was dating my husband, his behaviours actually gradually showing up to me and I'm glad that I have noticed these signs at an early stage. I actually lived in the US for couple of months shortly in 2016, I had a fight with him because he wouldn't come out of the closet as a gay man and denied any of my involvement in his life (e.g. Placing my stuff in another room when his friends visit, tear down our photos on the fridge door, avoid any body contact when we are outside etc.) that time, he slapped me and kinda seriously injured my chest and my chest had been painful for more than a month. Then I left him for good and blocked out all my contacts with him but after two months he contacted me through email and keep promising me everything will be different and came out of the closet, officially annonced it on Facebook. He even hired a lawyer to start filling K1 for me. As he said quote on quote: we are both men, sometimes we fight, it's normal. I thought all these confusions were probably caused because he was going through a major transition in his life. I remember I had been crying so hard so many times when we'd have to be seperate at the airports. This, I decided to quit my job in China where my employer actually want to make me stay so that he would like to allocate 20% of company's share to me. I thought I will have a better life with him, as we discussed, I thought it was love. But at this stage, I feel frightened and I have so many self doubts that I almost feel certain I need to see a phycologist because he makes me feel there is something wrong with me. When I started doing some researches I really have realised, it's not my fault which makes me think I shouldn't be too cruel to myself anymore. I do love him I believe he loves me too but this abuse isn't going to stop anywhere, I've tried to help him and when he was sober he recongnised all his issues and he promised promised to me many times he will cut out drinking and smoking less pot, but it's not getting any better. I know this is only my story, may not sound convencinng to all of you. But he has put me in a place I can't contact my friends or parents anymore about my own issues. I don't want them to perceive me as having too many issues and complain too much. That's why I posted on here. And all of you are very very kind to me! I sincerely appreciated all of your help! And it has been very helpful too, I emailed my lawyer yesterday, I have to schedule another meeting with him to discuss this. 

[Going through 5,671]

1 minute ago, J2j said:

Hey guys, when I was dating my husband, his behaviours actually gradually showing up to me and I'm glad that I have noticed these signs at an early stage. I actually lived in the US for couple of months shortly in 2016, I had a fight with him because he wouldn't come out of the closet as a gay man and denied any of my involvement in his life (e.g. Placing my stuff in another room when his friends visit, tear down our photos on the fridge door, avoid any body contact when we are outside etc.) that time, he slapped me and kinda seriously injured my chest and my chest had been painful for more than a month. Then I left him for good and blocked out all my contacts with him but after two months he contacted me through email and keep promising me everything will be different and came out of the closet, officially annonced it on Facebook. He even hired a lawyer to start filling K1 for me. As he said quote on quote: we are both men, sometimes we fight, it's normal. I thought all these confusions were probably caused because he was going through a major transition in his life. I remember I had been crying so hard so many times when we'd have to be seperate at the airports. This, I decided to quit my job in China where my employer actually want to make me stay so that he would like to allocate 20% of company's share to me. I thought I will have a better life with him, as we discussed, I thought it was love. But at this stage, I feel frightened and I have so many self doubts that I almost feel certain I need to see a phycologist because he makes me feel there is something wrong with me. When I started doing some researches I really have realised, it's not my fault which makes me think I shouldn't be too cruel to myself anymore. I do love him I believe he loves me too but this abuse isn't going to stop anywhere, I've tried to help him and when he was sober he recongnised all his issues and he promised promised to me many times he will cut out drinking and smoking less pot, but it's not getting any better. I know this is only my story, may not sound convencinng to all of you. But he has put me in a place I can't contact my friends or parents anymore about my own issues. I don't want them to perceive me as having too many issues and complain too much. That's why I posted on here. And all of you are very very kind to me! I sincerely appreciated all of your help! And it has been very helpful too, I emailed my lawyer yesterday, I have to schedule another meeting with him to discuss this. 

Abusive people tend to do this.  They isolate their victims, convince them to cut off family ties and friendships, promise they will change, blame their victim, beg you to come back, etc.   I bet he's probably even said something along the lines of "If I didn't love you, I wouldn't react this way" or "I wouldn't have hit you/hurt you if you didn't______".  Which can make you feel like you've done something to deserve his abuse, or are bringing all of this on yourself.  All he's doing, in his own mind whether he realizes it or not, is trying to justify his actions to himself and convince you to believe he's somehow doing it for your own good.  You are absolutely right, none of this is your fault, and you deserve so much better out of a relationship.

 

As far as your lawyer goes, well frankly his "advice" to you is very disappointing.  Maybe next time you see him he will clarify his viewpoint a bit more for you.  Personally, I'd look for a different lawyer.

 

And remember that abuse escalates.  Words become threats, threats become shoving, shoving becomes hitting, hitting becomes beating.   Your lawyer is a moron if he thinks sticking it out for a few months in a physically abusive marriage is a good idea.  I wonder if he would have given a woman the same advice, if there's not some double-standard there in his thinking of your situation.  I'm betting he probably would have told a woman to get the hell out of there.

 

 

[J2j 6]

2 minutes ago, Going through said:

Abusive people tend to do this.  They isolate their victims, convince them to cut off family ties and friendships, promise they will change, blame their victim, beg you to come back, etc.   I bet he's probably even said something along the lines of "If I didn't love you, I wouldn't react this way" or "I wouldn't have hit you/hurt you if you didn't______".  Which can make you feel like you've done something to deserve his abuse, or are bringing all of this on yourself.  All he's doing, in his own mind whether he realizes it or not, is trying to justify his actions to himself and convince you to believe he's somehow doing it for your own good.  You are absolutely right, none of this is your fault, and you deserve so much better out of a relationship.

 

As far as your lawyer goes, well frankly his "advice" to you is very disappointing.  Maybe next time you see him he will clarify his viewpoint a bit more for you.  Personally, I'd look for a different lawyer.

 

And remember that abuse escalates.  Words become threats, threats become shoving, shoving becomes hitting, hitting becomes beating.   Your lawyer is a moron if he thinks sticking it out for a few months in a physically abusive marriage is a good idea.  I wonder if he would have given a woman the same advice, if there's not some double-standard there in his thinking of your situation.  I'm betting he probably would have told a woman to get the hell out of there.

 

 

He said some exact words as you were indicating, At this stage, I'm really concerned as if this whole process is going to take a lot of time of my life, I think it's better for me to leave him and leave America too. There is nothing more important than being happy and appreciated to me. USCIS is like a secret government agent to me, really really helpless when it comes to deal with them.

 

[Going through 5,671]

3 minutes ago, J2j said:

He said some exact words as you were indicating, At this stage, I'm really concerned as if this whole process is going to take a lot of time of my life, I think it's better for me to leave him and leave America too. There is nothing more important than being happy and appreciated to me. USCIS is like a secret government agent to me, really really helpless when it comes to deal with them.

 

You need to do whatever you need to do to live a good life.  Wherever that is, and with whomever that is, I hope you are happy and safe.

[Mary Lou 681]

1 hour ago, mcdull said:

sounds like a normal married life to me.

 

Maybe go to couple therapy first?

 

I don't know what your marriage is like, but this isn't normal married life.  Abuse isn't ok nor is it normal

[Cathi 5,758]

15 hours ago, jdb said:

I am so sorry you feel that way. Can it be because you are just feeling homesick and you miss your family back home? This happened to me. The first few months of me here in the US I felt really really depressed, like I got the whole America on my back. My husband and I consistently fought on those first months. There was NEVER a day that we did't argue. There were some days too that he was like your husband, saying he's a pretty guy and he makes lots of money ( which is true ) so we fought more for him being so cocky. My advise is, maybe go together to the therapy? Tell him that you guys need to work together if you want to save your marriage. If he is Borderline and Narcissistic, you definitely should go to counseling, have him check, but do this with nice and positive attitude. If you feel like you can't really do it anymore, just tell him, and leave the realtionship. I hope it goes well.

 

On my case, I've been here almost 4 years, been married almost 4 years as well, got two kids and we still fight - but just normal usual marriage fights. So maybe try to do counseling if you feel that you can do it. Good luck.

Even if the OP were homesick, what does that have to do with the fact that his husband is abusing him? Answer: Nothing! The OP also stated that his husband isn't willing to go to therapy because he won't admit that he's being abusive in the first place. 

 To the OP:If your husband is being abusive, binge drinking, blacking out, threatening you and isn't willing to get help you need to get out ASAP, it will only get worse. You should worry about your safety first and foremost and worry about your immigration status later. I always wonder why people are willing to stay in a dangerous situation because they want a green card. What if you're out drinking with him, he gets behind the wheel with you in the passenger seat and gets into an accident? You could be killed. Just think about about that. Is a green card more important than your life? This is the National Domestic Abuse Hotline 1-800-799-7233, please contact them today and they will point you to local resources and organizations where you can seek help. Good luck, keep us updated and please get yourself to safety.