I'm encountering domestic, need help

[J2j 6]

Hi everyone,  

 

I know what I'm going to write is probably a little bit disturbing but I don't know who to talk to and who to turn to because of my situation. So I would be much appreciated if anyone could help.

 

I entered America holding a K-1 visa and I got married with him in April, 2017. We have actually been together for two years now. Recently I just can't really stand him anymore. 

 

We met in America when I was on my best friend's wedding. During the past two years we have made a lot of efforts to visit each other as much as possible. He was very charming, intersting and caring at the very beginning. But after really living with him since we got married I started to realise there are a lot of issues with him. 

He would constantly blame me for everything. He wants me to do everything with him, going to supermarket, going out drinking and even just going to the convenience store and get an ice cream. He smokes weed and drink alcohol every day.  He gets so drunk almost on every weekend when he goes out with his friends. (I'm not a huge fun of night drinking) and comes home after mid- night, he will be so verbally abusive towards me. Trying to devalue me saying things like I don't have a job, I don't have friends in America, I don't have money, my English is bad etc. I told him so many times, the reason why I don't have a job is I'm still waiting for my EDA. It has been really frustrating, he often threatens my life too. I just feel so scared when he closes the door. And when he wakes up another day he will deny everything and claims he doesn't remember anything. He definitely didn't say that. And I made it all up. 

 

So after talking with my lawyer and consulting with the domestic hotline I have started recording when he gets abusive towards me. He admitted to me he has manic but recently by doing researches I think he has Borderline Disorder and Narcissistic Disorder too. He always tells me that he is so handsome, he makes a lot of money and whenever there's something wrong turns up, I'm always the one to blame.  And I can't criticise him or say bad things about him at all. I tried to get him to see a psychologist but he said there is nothing wrong with him that I made all this up and I'm actually the one who needs to see a doctor. He has one time told me he just felt like he needed to punish me. And I just don't know why. At the moment I'm just really trying hard not to do anything wrong to make him angry...

 

I submitted my I-485, I-131 and I-765 all in April and all my cases are still pending. I have consulted with my lawyer, he suggested me to try and make the relationship work rather than file petition by myself because it's costly and time consuming. I believe to prove that I have been living in extreme conditions not only that I have to find a psychologist but also I need to be evaluated by one. 

Can anybody give me any advise? What should I do? Can I file a divorce after I receive my Green card? What do I need to do to ensure it won't affect my immigrant statues. I still want to live in America. And because we are a gay couple so I don't know if there are any laws that actually I can use. Please no hate. 

 

J

[Redheadguy03 505]

If he does anything really bad you definitely need to get out of there. Staying in such a dangerous environment obviously isn't a good idea. 

 

You can apply under VAWA (others will comment on that I'm sure). I honestly, don't know how it works, but definitely wanted to extend my condolences and tell you that yes, their are ways you can still keep your immigration status as long as the marriage was entered into with serious intent. 

[M&JB 80]

I am so sorry you feel that way. Can it be because you are just feeling homesick and you miss your family back home? This happened to me. The first few months of me here in the US I felt really really depressed, like I got the whole America on my back. My husband and I consistently fought on those first months. There was NEVER a day that we did't argue. There were some days too that he was like your husband, saying he's a pretty guy and he makes lots of money ( which is true ) so we fought more for him being so cocky. My advise is, maybe go together to the therapy? Tell him that you guys need to work together if you want to save your marriage. If he is Borderline and Narcissistic, you definitely should go to counseling, have him check, but do this with nice and positive attitude. If you feel like you can't really do it anymore, just tell him, and leave the realtionship. I hope it goes well.

 

On my case, I've been here almost 4 years, been married almost 4 years as well, got two kids and we still fight - but just normal usual marriage fights. So maybe try to do counseling if you feel that you can do it. Good luck.

Edited July 19, 2017 by jdb

[J2j 6]

1 minute ago, jdb said:

I am so sorry you feel that way. Can it be because you are just feeling homesick and you miss your family back home? This happened to me. The first few months of me here in the US I felt really really depressed, like I got the whole America on my back. My husband and I consistently fought on those first months. There was NEVER a day that we did't argue. There were some days too that he was like your husband, saying he's a pretty guy and he makes lots of money ( which is true ) so we fought more for him being so cocky. My advise is, maybe go together to the therapy? Tell him that you guys need to work together if you want to save your marriage. If he is Borderline and Narcissistic, you definitely should go to counseling, have him check, but do this with nice and positive attitude. If you feel like you can't really do it anymore, just tell him, and leave the realtionship. I hope it goes well.

 

On my case, I've been here almost 4 years, been married almost 4 years as well, got two kids and we still fight - but just usual fights. So maybe try to do counseling if you feel that you can do it. Good luck.

Hello, thank you for your response. Yep, I know it has something to do with all the process time and wait time as well as me being really homesick. Moving to America is a huge step in my life. So sometimes I do feel I don't deserve to be treated by his manners. I tried to ask him to see a psychologist but he refused many times and got angry with me...he has pushed me to my breaking point that I constantly doubt about myself, lose self-confidence in myself.

[Mary Lou 681]

2 minutes ago, jdb said:

I am so sorry you feel that way. Can it be because you are just feeling homesick and you miss your family back home? This happened to me. The first few months of me here in the US I felt really really depressed, like I got the whole America on my back. My husband and I consistently fought on those first months. There was NEVER a day that we did't argue. There were some days too that he was like your husband, saying he's a pretty guy and he makes lots of money ( which is true ) so we fought more for him being so cocky. My advise is, maybe go together to the therapy? Tell him that you guys need to work together if you want to save your marriage. If he is Borderline and Narcissistic, you definitely should go to counseling, have him check, but do this with nice and positive attitude. If you feel like you can't really do it anymore, just tell him, and leave the realtionship. I hope it goes well.

 

On my case, I've been here almost 4 years, been married almost 4 years as well, got two kids and we still fight - but just normal usual marriage fights. So maybe try to do counseling if you feel that you can do it. Good luck.

He is being abused by his husband, the husband denies all wrong doing, i would bet he isn't feeling bad because he is homesick or missing his family. He's being degraded on a daily basis.

OP please check out the Vawa form, lots of information there

[J2j 6]

10 minutes ago, Redheadguy03 said:

If he does anything really bad you definitely need to get out of there. Staying in such a dangerous environment obviously isn't a good idea. 

 

You can apply under VAWA (others will comment on that I'm sure). I honestly, don't know how it works, but definitely wanted to extend my condolences and tell you that yes, their are ways you can still keep your immigration status as long as the marriage was entered into with serious intent. 

Yep, my lawyer suggested me to just wait for another two months and see how it goes. My husband never wants to divorce me but he is not going to improve himself either. I think it's somehow being very toxic to me by staying with him. Like a huge gap compared with the life I used to live. So at this moment I'm just still waiting to have everything on my hands, trying hard

2 minutes ago, Mary Lou said:

He is being abused by his husband, the husband denies all wrong doing, i would bet he isn't feeling bad because he is homesick or missing his family. He's being degraded on a daily basis.

OP please check out the Vawa form, lots of information there

Thank you, I'm going through it right now.

[Mary Lou 681]

2 minutes ago, J2j said:

Yep, my lawyer suggested me to just wait for another two months and see how it goes. My husband never wants to divorce me but he is not going to improve himself either. I think it's somehow being very toxic to me by staying with him. Like a huge gap compared with the life I used to live. So at this moment I'm just still waiting to have everything on my hands, trying hard

Thank you, I'm going through it right now.

You're welcome. You need to stay safe, i disagree with your lawyer saying to wait another 2 months. He isn't living in this situation

[Randyandyuni 2,682]

Protect yourself and leave him, abuse escalates, it does not usually get better

[J2j 6]

Thank you all for your kind responses. I'll leave him for sure, its just a matter of time but at this moment I really can't do it until I  receive my EAD. I've been trying to contact USCIS literally every week, I have submitted my I-765 in April, now it's July I'm still waiting for an approval for my EAD...really frustrated because of the situation. 

Edited July 19, 2017 by J2j

[Randyandyuni 2,682]

Good luck and keep us informed

[Going through 5,671]

First, I'm so sorry that you are going through this.

Second, kudos to you for recognizing the signs early on in your marriage.

Third, imo what he is exhibiting is the epitome of a Narcissistic Personality (ie. gaslighting, denial, blame, verbal degradation, threatening your life, saying he's so much better than you)

 

All that said, you need to figure out a game plan.  

 

First, you need to get yourself somewhere safe if you are not safe right now.  There are many LGBTQ resources in America that can help you with this.  Google, get out a phone book, or simply call 411 for advice on how to set up a safe haven for you to be in right now if you cannot and do not feel physically safe at home.

Second, rest assured that you do not need his consent, input, or authorization to move ahead with your immigration process.  Consult this page https://www.uscis.gov/humanitarian/battered-spouse-children-parents   Don't be discouraged by the mention of "women" in the first part of that page---the rules apply equally to men and women in this situation.  There is also a hotline listed that offers mental health assistance as well as legal advice for men and women in your situation, along with advice on how to self-petition for immigration.   Abuse is no longer just physical violence, and can include mental and emotional suffering as well.  USCIS recognizes that, and they recognize same-sex couples as well.

Third, you are very brave, very strong, and very smart.    I wish you all the best.

[J2j 6]

3 minutes ago, Going through said:

First, I'm so sorry that you are going through this.

Second, kudos to you for recognizing the signs early on in your marriage.

Third, imo what he is exhibiting is the epitome of a Narcissistic Personality (ie. gaslighting, denial, blame, verbal degradation, threatening your life, saying he's so much better than you)

 

All that said, you need to figure out a game plan.  

 

First, you need to get yourself somewhere safe if you are not safe right now.  There are many LGBTQ resources in America that can help you with this.  Google, get out a phone book, or simply call 411 for advice on how to set up a safe haven for you to be in right now if you cannot and do not feel physically safe at home.

Second, rest assured that you do not need his consent, input, or authorization to move ahead with your immigration process.  Consult this page https://www.uscis.gov/humanitarian/battered-spouse-children-parents   Don't be discouraged by the mention of "women" in the first part of that page---the rules apply equally to men and women in this situation.  There is also a hotline listed that offers mental health assistance as well as legal advice for men and women in your situation, along with advice on how to self-petition for immigration.   Abuse is no longer just physical violence, and can include mental and emotional suffering as well.  USCIS recognizes that, and they recognize same-sex couples as well.

Third, you are very brave, very strong, and very smart.    I wish you all the best.

Thank you so much for your reply. It did make me feel so much better. The other reason why I'm still living together with my abuser is because I'm actually wondering how much all these fillings will cost to hire a lawyer (I forgot to ask him last time, counselling with him one time costs $100) and most importantly how much time do I have to spend on it. I'm 26 years old, I don't want to be bond on this indefinitely. Actually still hoping for a very bright future and obtaining a master degree later  

 

But reallly really greetful for all your kind words. I don't want to make my parents and friends worried. So guess having my case discussed here turns out to be a good idea. 

[J2j 6]

And most importantly, how do I prove that I'm actually being in an abusive relationship??

[Going through 5,671]

15 minutes ago, J2j said:

Thank you so much for your reply. It did make me feel so much better. The other reason why I'm still living together with my abuser is because I'm actually wondering how much all these fillings will cost to hire a lawyer (I forgot to ask him last time, counselling with him one time costs $100) and most importantly how much time do I have to spend on it. I'm 26 years old, I don't want to be bond on this indefinitely. Actually still hoping for a very bright future and obtaining a master degree later  

 

But reallly really greetful for all your kind words. I don't want to make my parents and friends worried. So guess having my case discussed here turns out to be a good idea. 

There are many lawyers who offer free consultations.  You may want to take advantage of those if you can while you figure out how to best proceed.

 

7 minutes ago, J2j said:

And most importantly, how do I prove that I'm actually being in an abusive relationship??

First, check out this link https://www.uscis.gov/news/fact-sheets/information-legal-rights-available-immigrant-victims-domestic-violence-united-states-and-facts-about-immigrating-marriage-based-visa-fact-sheet

 

Second, this article (although a bit outdated) may help you with a starting point on gathering documentation to prove your case for VAWA http://www.nolo.com/legal-encyclopedia/proving-your-vawa-case-evidence-submit.html

Edited July 19, 2017 by Going through

[J2j 6]

57 minutes ago, Going through said:

There are many lawyers who offer free consultations.  You may want to take advantage of those if you can while you figure out how to best proceed.

 

First, check out this link https://www.uscis.gov/news/fact-sheets/information-legal-rights-available-immigrant-victims-domestic-violence-united-states-and-facts-about-immigrating-marriage-based-visa-fact-sheet

 

Second, this article (although a bit outdated) may help you with a starting point on gathering documentation to prove your case for VAWA http://www.nolo.com/legal-encyclopedia/proving-your-vawa-case-evidence-submit.html

Thank you, I got it, very helpful