handling stress?!?

[sereia 0]

my fiance is going through some family problems.....i don't want to go into details (hey, even *I* don't know very much) but...

when these problems arise he shuts down. he wants to be alone in his dark bedroom and not talk to anyone. i know we all deal with problems differently but i feel like he pushes me away when he does this. something happened yesterday and he doesn't want to talk on the phone, doesn't want to tell me exactly what happened, nothing. just, "if you love me, understand. i don't want to talk right now." its soooo hard for me to understand not wanting support from your fiance when times are really rough. if not his fiance, who else could he turn to? i feel really bad for his situation but in a very short time he could be free of all this when he comes to the US. but why hurt me in the meantime by keeping me in the dark? how can i understand him more...or help him in another way?

[Otto 83]

my fiance is going through some family problems.....i don't want to go into details (hey, even *I* don't know very much) but...

when these problems arise he shuts down. he wants to be alone in his dark bedroom and not talk to anyone. i know we all deal with problems differently but i feel like he pushes me away when he does this. something happened yesterday and he doesn't want to talk on the phone, doesn't want to tell me exactly what happened, nothing. just, "if you love me, understand. i don't want to talk right now." its soooo hard for me to understand not wanting support from your fiance when times are really rough. if not his fiance, who else could he turn to? i feel really bad for his situation but in a very short time he could be free of all this when he comes to the US. but why hurt me in the meantime by keeping me in the dark? how can i understand him more...or help him in another way?

Men deal with things (life,stress,etc) differently and they communicate differently too.

In my opinion, it sounds like:

He doesn't want to talk about it because he doesn't want to bring you down (he's protecting you) - whether you accept that or even would be 'brought down' is another thing. He's in his cave ('shutting down')- let him be. Men don't 'turn to' anyone (like women do) for emotional help - just a fact of life (it's not a bad thing, they're just different). I think you can help by understanding he is probably ok in there and will come out when he's ready....

As always - I recommend the following book to help understanding men/women's behavior differences:

[Nagishkaw 510]

If your child fell down and hurt himself, would'nt you console him? Just tell him, "You still look handsome , even when I know your hurting inside ". That is reassuring him that you care and you will wait until he is ready to open up to you. Keep it simple, men like that.

[Fandango 1,440]

How about looking at it from a different pov? If he asks for time, then give it to him. Don't get offended because he has a different coping mechanism than you do. I know you want to make it better...but accept the fact that you probably can't. Just tell him you love him and you're there for him if he wants to lean on you....if not, I'm quite certain that giving him the space he's asked for is helping enough.

And keep in mind that he is not rejecting you....put that to one side because if you let this offend you or make you feel rejected, it's only going to make it worse.

[Otto 83]

If your child fell down and hurt himself, would'nt you console him? Just tell him, "You still look handsome , even when I know your hurting inside ". That is reassuring him that you care and you will wait until he is ready to open up to you. Keep it simple, men like that.

[Together4ever 1]

my fiance is going through some family problems.....i don't want to go into details (hey, even *I* don't know very much) but...

when these problems arise he shuts down. he wants to be alone in his dark bedroom and not talk to anyone. i know we all deal with problems differently but i feel like he pushes me away when he does this. something happened yesterday and he doesn't want to talk on the phone, doesn't want to tell me exactly what happened, nothing. just, "if you love me, understand. i don't want to talk right now." its soooo hard for me to understand not wanting support from your fiance when times are really rough. if not his fiance, who else could he turn to? i feel really bad for his situation but in a very short time he could be free of all this when he comes to the US. but why hurt me in the meantime by keeping me in the dark? how can i understand him more...or help him in another way?

My Moh is very much this way. It can be extremely difficult when you want to help and offer care and they clam up and slam the door in your face. Let me offer this. It is NOT because he no longer wants, loves or needs you. Sometimes silent caring IS needed very much, just knowing you are ok and there when he is ready to come back out of his funk is what he needs from you right now. My Moh demands a huge amount of space when something has really upset him. If I poke and prod--or even worse, cling-- it makes him even more distant or angry and just frustrates me further. Its a learning process. It won't change once he reunites with you and begins his adjustment and all of its inevitable frustrations. Trust me on this, he is not doing this to hurt you. Be patient with him and don't let this unnerve you. I know its difficult though. The insecurities of the distance between you are extremely hard to deal with when things like this happen but it will pass and he will come when he's ready and want all that caring you're yearning to give now.

[Jenn! 918]

How about looking at it from a different pov? If he asks for time, then give it to him. Don't get offended because he has a different coping mechanism than you do. I know you want to make it better...but accept the fact that you probably can't. Just tell him you love him and you're there for him if he wants to lean on you....if not, I'm quite certain that giving him the space he's asked for is helping enough.

And keep in mind that he is not rejecting you....put that to one side because if you let this offend you or make you feel rejected, it's only going to make it worse.

I agree. I know it's hard to do, but I think it's important not to start down that path of making the situation about you and the way you feel about how he feels.

[NYGirl 0]

Jen,

GIVE HIM THE SPACE he's asking for. Once he will pass that stage of stress or depression he'll tell you what it was. It could also be that his family doesn't want him to leave Morocco.

I am talking from experience, once he'll get over "the problem" he'll tell you. It won't bother him that much later and it'll be easier to talk about it.

[one...two...tree 2,762]

How about looking at it from a different pov? If he asks for time, then give it to him. Don't get offended because he has a different coping mechanism than you do. I know you want to make it better...but accept the fact that you probably can't. Just tell him you love him and you're there for him if he wants to lean on you....if not, I'm quite certain that giving him the space he's asked for is helping enough.

And keep in mind that he is not rejecting you....put that to one side because if you let this offend you or make you feel rejected, it's only going to make it worse.

Well said.

...and it's not just men who do this.