K1 Visa - AOS - May send my wife home - failing to assimilate

[cdneh 3,112]

She's only been in the USA for just over 5 weeks. Expecting a newcomer to assimilate in that length of time just isn't a reasonable expectation. It can take up to a year, or longer, for a person to start to feel settled.

[caliliving 606]

I think this is a good post for many foreigners and USC petitioners to read...people think coming here or bringing someone will be rainbows and unicorns. Unfortunately, it's not.

You have no job, it isn't easy to get around and it's hard to get a food paying job here. Most Americans struggle... I really think you need to support her in finding a hobby and going to church would also be a great start. I went to school here 10yrs ago and I remember crying a lot. Also, Americans can be mean to other foreigners... it took a solid 6 months to find friends and learn to do things on my own. She doesn't want to go home she just wants help in finding her way in america. 

Church, English classes, hobbies e ct will help. Watch 90 day fiance on tv too haha I think u will see their is a very long adjustment period when anyone brings someone to America no matter what you try they are from. 

[jakartausa 28]

16 minutes ago, caliliving said:

I think this is a good post for many foreigners and USC petitioners to read...people think coming here or bringing someone will be rainbows and unicorns. Unfortunately, it's not.

You have no job, it isn't easy to get around and it's hard to get a food paying job here. Most Americans struggle... I really think you need to support her in finding a hobby and going to church would also be a great start. I went to school here 10yrs ago and I remember crying a lot. Also, Americans can be mean to other foreigners... it took a solid 6 months to find friends and learn to do things on my own. She doesn't want to go home she just wants help in finding her way in america. 

Church, English classes, hobbies e ct will help. Watch 90 day fiance on tv too haha I think u will see their is a very long adjustment period when anyone brings someone to America no matter what you try they are from. 

Finally someone who understands my point. Again for the 3rd time in this thread, IM NOT SENDING HER HOME and I know it takes more than 2 months to adjust to being here. I was just looking for advice given what I'm experiencing. My wife and I get along however she assumed it would be easy to live here given what she had pictured in her mind and saw in movies or tv. We USCs and those newly arrived here know too well that it is NOT unicorns and rainbows here in the USA! I think this subject has been debated to death here. Mod if you will could you please close this thread. Thanks

[caliliving 606]

Just now, jakartausa said:

Finally someone who understands my point. Again for the 3rd time in this thread, IM NOT SENDING HER HOME and I know it takes more than 2 months to adjust to being here. I was just looking for advice given what I'm experiencing. My wife and I get along however she assumed it would be easy to live here given what she had pictured in her mind and saw in movies or tv. We USCs and those newly arrived here know too well that it is NOT unicorns and rainbows here in the USA! I think this subject has been debated to death here. Mod if you will could you please close this thread. Thanks

Yup exactly! Watch 90 day fiance and I can't believe the foreigners think it's going to be so easy here and the life of luxury ..i get it, you need to vent! It must be difficult seeing her sitting there on her computer. I get it. Coming from Canada I thought it would be a breeze...ive always visited but living here was different. Many Americans were effing rude and d idnt want to help out. Hopefully ur wife can get involved in hobbies outside the house. I think English classes help as well. Also does she cook? Grocery shopping too. So many Asian markets in social! 

[jakartausa 28]

18 minutes ago, caliliving said:

Yup exactly! Watch 90 day fiance and I can't believe the foreigners think it's going to be so easy here and the life of luxury ..i get it, you need to vent! It must be difficult seeing her sitting there on her computer. I get it. Coming from Canada I thought it would be a breeze...ive always visited but living here was different. Many Americans were effing rude and d idnt want to help out. Hopefully ur wife can get involved in hobbies outside the house. I think English classes help as well. Also does she cook? Grocery shopping too. So many Asian markets in social! 

I think my wife's biggest mistake was assuming that we as Americans are more free. I use the word free to describe being free from regulations and the law. I think the point where my wife became disenchanted with being here was when she quickly found out that her home country was more free from imposing regulations and legal involvement then the USA is. The USA is super litigious, far more than likely any other country on the planet, plus being in California (a state with probably the most complex laws on the books) doesn't help either.

 

In Indonesia for example, travel restrictions are the most noticeable restrictions that are placed on citizens, however aside from that an Indonesian citizen is free to do many things that we as Americans find far more difficult. For example starting a business selling food. Here in the USA, sure you can sell food maybe on a small scale and not get caught by the health dept but exceed beyond that and you will be fined and shut down by the health dept/police etc. In Indonesia if you want to start a business takes no regulation/'permit at all if you want to sell out of your home etc. (I realize im omitting some regulation here so do not butcher me. Im just making a point vs writing out a huge text on Indo vs US business practices)

Edited July 4, 2017 by jakartausa

[-Trinity- 513]

15 minutes ago, jakartausa said:

I think my wife's biggest mistake was assuming that we as Americans are more free. I use the word free to describe being free from regulations and the law. I think the point where my wife became disenchanted with being here was when she quickly found out that her home country was more free from imposing regulations and legal involvement then the USA is. The USA is super litigious, far more than likely any other country on the planet, plus being in California (a state with probably the most complex laws on the books) doesn't help either. 

I don't think you can 'blame' her for that interpretation. After all that's the image most foreigners have about the US: land of the free, land of opportunity etc. etc
However, like many other developed countries America is ruled by regulations and laws etc.
But honestly, I don't think that the regulations and laws are the (only) problem. I am from a very progressive an developed country and I traveled couple times to the US before I moved here in 2015. And even then, I still needed time to adjust and i'm still adjusting. And as you can read on this thread and other threads, many people from countries with cultures similar to the American needed time to adjust. 

 

Has your wife ever been in the US before?

Edited July 4, 2017 by Dutchie2016

[jakartausa 28]

30 minutes ago, Dutchie2016 said:

I don't think you can 'blame' her for that interpretation. After all that's the image most foreigners have about the US: land of the free, land of opportunity etc. etc
However, like many other developed countries America is ruled by regulations and laws etc.
But honestly, I don't think that the regulations and laws are the (only) problem. I am from a very progressive an developed country and I traveled couple times to the US before I moved here in 2015. And even then, I still needed time to adjust and i'm still adjusting. And as you can read on this thread and other threads, many people from countries with cultures similar to the American needed time to adjust. 

 

Has your wife ever been in the US before?

No she hasn't. Most Tourist visas for Indonesians are denied. The only way to get a tourist visa is to be rich. Aside from that an Indonesian can get a student visa, and of course K1 and Spousal visa far far easier than tourist. 

[-Trinity- 513]

1 hour ago, jakartausa said:

No she hasn't. Most Tourist visas for Indonesians are denied. The only way to get a tourist visa is to be rich. Aside from that an Indonesian can get a student visa, and of course K1 and Spousal visa far far easier than tourist. 

I can see where both of you had a completely different vision about how it will be once she was here; you about the relationship and she about a life in America.
Hopefully the ESL  and business classes will help her feel less isolated and adjust to her new life.
Some people, including me, use exercise ( gym, running etc) to feel mentally better.
It doesn't work that way for everyone, but you know her and it might be something that helps her fight lethargy and depression.

Edited July 4, 2017 by Dutchie2016

[caliliving 606]

3 hours ago, jakartausa said:

No she hasn't. Most Tourist visas for Indonesians are denied. The only way to get a tourist visa is to be rich. Aside from that an Indonesian can get a student visa, and of course K1 and Spousal visa far far easier than tourist. 

This is actually a huge problem I find...most people I know that married a foreigner, the foreigner was already living in LA as a tourist (overstay) and had friends and a job ect.. I honestly feel it's a lot easier to marry a foreigner that has a life together and has travelled rather then someone from a far off country that has never travel3d to the USA before. Their only way here is through a k1 or cr1. Unfortunately they  have no friends/family or job here and it makes it tough to get assimilated...and I'm sorry if this comes off wrong but it must be really hard to bring someone to America knwojfn that person can't work, has no us work experience and probably won't get a good paying job...maybr people are delusional but its really really expensive to live here. It is just hard the only way to visit is they marriage and traveling to see them or meet in a neutral p laxe gets really expensive. It really is a tough situation to be in and I do commend ppl who go thru w it bc honestly, I couldn't. 

[N-o-l-a 7,167]

22 minutes ago, caliliving said:

This is actually a huge problem I find...most people I know that married a foreigner, the foreigner was already living in LA as a tourist (overstay) and had friends and a job ect.. I honestly feel it's a lot easier to marry a foreigner that has a life together and has travelled rather then someone from a far off country that has never travel3d to the USA before. Their only way here is through a k1 or cr1. Unfortunately they  have no friends/family or job here and it makes it tough to get assimilated...and I'm sorry if this comes off wrong but it must be really hard to bring someone to America knwojfn that person can't work, has no us work experience and probably won't get a good paying job...maybr people are delusional but its really really expensive to live here. It is just hard the only way to visit is they marriage and traveling to see them or meet in a neutral p laxe gets really expensive. It really is a tough situation to be in and I do commend ppl who go thru w it bc honestly, I couldn't. 

 

*shrugs*  This is obviously a "your mileage might vary" type situation.  My husband had no problem finding work and has a career in the trades in America - he started it anew when he moved here.  Now, he is the sole provider for our family.  My father is also an immigrant and has historically had well paying jobs pretty much from moving here.  Neither of them completed formal high school (think like A-levels) in their own countries and neither has a college degree or anything of the sort.  My husband even had to get a GED the first year he was here.

[jakartausa 28]

27 minutes ago, caliliving said:

This is actually a huge problem I find...most people I know that married a foreigner, the foreigner was already living in LA as a tourist (overstay) and had friends and a job ect.. I honestly feel it's a lot easier to marry a foreigner that has a life together and has travelled rather then someone from a far off country that has never travel3d to the USA before. Their only way here is through a k1 or cr1. Unfortunately they  have no friends/family or job here and it makes it tough to get assimilated...and I'm sorry if this comes off wrong but it must be really hard to bring someone to America knwojfn that person can't work, has no us work experience and probably won't get a good paying job...maybr people are delusional but its really really expensive to live here. It is just hard the only way to visit is they marriage and traveling to see them or meet in a neutral p laxe gets really expensive. It really is a tough situation to be in and I do commend ppl who go thru w it bc honestly, I couldn't. 

Correct! As another poster said its the "Land of opportunity" syndrome that some, BUT not ALL foreigners have that has been spread far and wide by us Americans LOL! I have spoken to my wife at length and she is fully aware that she will have to work a job that is in the retail or food industry for a short while until she can get some work experience and credentials from the adult school she will be attending. I will have her work on her resume and build up some experience so once she finishes her accounting program she will be ready to go to few temp agencies and start applying for jobs online. I see no other way to get into the work force here.

[-Trinity- 513]

Also, she can see if there are opportunities for jobs at the campus she is attending. When I moved to LA, i found a decent job at the International Student office within four months. It wasn't a high paying job but i really liked it and it led to other opportunities. If I hadn't met my husband I probably would have end up working in a better paying position at that college or district.

 

After writing this, I just realized my situation was slightly different: I was an F1 student and wasn't aloud to work off campus. I don't know what the possibilities are in your wife's situation. But I am a strong believer of that there are always possibilities...it just takes time sometimes.

 

Good luck to you and your wife, I hope she will find a way to deal with all the changes.

 

[Ontarkie 14,221]

~~Thread locked as requested by the OP~~