K1 Visa - AOS - May send my wife home - failing to assimilate

[geowrian 22,337]

I agree with all of the above. The change is very significant and can hit like a brick wall. It normally takes a couple years for people to really "settle in". Two months is far, far too short of a time to really know if somebody will adjust tot he new lifestyle. Otherwise, you can move back with her to Indonesia.

 

Just to clarify something, though...trying to "send my wife home" is not possible. She's not a package. You can divorce and offer her a ticket home, but there's nothing you can do to make her leave.

[2far 185]

My husband was a mess his first year here.  It takes time.  Your wife would probably like to adjust to life here, but if she feels pressured by you to speak to people at church or school that could cause anxiety and have the opposite effect of what you are hoping for.  Give her time, patience, and understanding.  She is going to have to slowly figure this out for herself.   I think you're expectations for this adjustment period are too high. Getting her involved with the church and signed up for school were great things for you to do, but now you need to step back and wait for her to feel comfortable enough in these environments to open up, be herself, and make friends naturally.

[N-o-l-a 7,167]

Give it time.

 

The weather thing might never change - my husband still hates when it gets above 75 and he has been here more than 4 years.  -30 is no problem, though.

 

We've both lived in each other's countries and the adjustment was much harder for me than him.  You can't expect everyone to react the same way to living in a new culture.

[Ketsuban 1,034]

I'm still finding it tough to adjust here and I've been here over 2 and a half years. You need to give your wife more time. I'm not really the going-out-talking-to-strangers type either. It took me about 10 months to find a full time job and it did get better when I had that going for me. I know it's hard to imagine what she's going through, but even though I'm from England, the US is worlds apart. Coming from Indonesia to the US must be even harder. You need to be more understanding of your wife and not treat her like an Amazon package that you want a refund for because she's outlived her use to you.

[Bzlibem 111]

Before I applied for AOS I was in the US 6 months and I was a huge emotional mess. I think it's just a phase caused by not knowing people, cultural differences, boredom... You can't change it really. The only thing that really helped me was getting a job so as soon as you get her EAD motivate her to find a job! 

[amicablebride 25]

For my first year in the U.S., I really struggled to adjust. I missed home, even though I didn't really think I would. I felt REALLY sensitive about everything. I was in-denial that I had abandoned my hometown, my country, to live in another country. I kept waiting for things to get better, but they never did. I had to wait and see that after a year and a half, nothing would change unless I made changes. That's why I'm on here... connecting with other expats like me. I'm baking Canadian treats and making Canadian food. I'm sharing my culture instead of always trying to be "American". When I act PROUD of where I came from, I'm happier. Imagine how you would feel if you abandoned the U.S.A. -- that's how your wife is feeling. Guilt, worry, anxiety, depression... that's totally normal. I think you're doing more than most spouses would to support her and make her feel connected to home. So, keep doing what you do, give her time. She will likely be depressed until she realizes, THIS is her life and she has to make it the best she can. Remember, I'm Canadian and it took me almost 2 years, and I'm still trying to get adjusted. I can't even imagine how someone from overseas is struggling.

[JFH 12,190]

OP, ask yourself how long it would take you to fully assimilate in Indonesia. I've been in the USA 6.5 months now and I came from the U.K. - so I didn't have the language barrier. But I've had some struggles. I prepared myself for it to take a year for the US to feel like home. I still feel lost from time to time.

[TBoneTX 45,284]

Mrs. T-B. had been to the U.S. before.  She's also highly social.  Dropping her at a Spanish-language church service was, in retrospect, a smart early move, because it kick-started her social life.  I recommend that you consult the minister and activities director of your Indonesian church to see if they can recommend some key couples or recent immigrants who can help to integrate your more reserved wife.

[Ontarkie 14,221]

It took me more then two years to actually feel like this was home. 

2 months if I didn't have my kids to keep me busy I would have lost it and I would have been on the first bus back home. But I sold my home and had nothing to go back to so I sucked it up and kept on trying to make this my home too. 

Trust me my poor husband heard every complaint 10 times a day. From the freaken scary spiders, to how ppl have no taste in junk food. Junk food sucks here btw   

 

As for being cold I'm from Northern Ontario, cold and more cold. Warm summer less the 2 months.  I moved to Arkansas where 90's to 100+ in the summer was not what I would have ever seen. Ok maybe not ever but not like here. Guess what I freeze all the time here. I have long pants PJ's and sleep under a thick comforter at night my ac unit keeps the house at about 77 and that is because my husband or kids won't let me set it any higher. Oh and my 3 yr old sleeps next to me and I steal his body heat because I'm still frozen under the blankets. 

 

Is she's worked all her life and then is just sitting at home she's probably getting down, and possibly out right depressed. There is nothing you can do to snap her out of it. She needs to find her new normal and hopefully she does. Not everyone does adjust and the only way to know is after they get here. 

 

I also cook and bake all my favourite foods from home. Not all Canadian specific more like my moms dishes, and treats. Makes me and the kids feel connected.  If she likes to cook take her shopping and find the foods she likes or heck maybe she wants to try new things but just doesn't know it yet. The reason I say take her is because it will give the two of you something to do together. 

 

 

 

 

 

[jakartausa 28]

FYI I think my initial post was misinterpreted somewhat. I'm NOT treating her like an amazon package (although i do love the reference LOL). What I was implying is that my wife is just refusing to try anything that may help her adjust to being here. I realize my efforts maybe fraught with failure however I would prefer to try than do nothing and assume all is OK. AS a matter of fact while we were at church this weekend she spoke to an Indonesian couple who came here on k1 over 20 years ago, both are Indonesian however the husband had arrived a few years earlier and obtained citizenship. The husband literally told my wife many of the same things that I had told her and maybe she didnt believe however once he told her she still didnt believe it ! So I gather what I will do from this point further is just provide her with opportunities and then let her run with whatever suits her best. At least I offered and then she can make heads and tails of whatever it is that is placed before her. Basically leading the horse to water but you cannot force it to drink. It applies here I think.

Edited July 4, 2017 by jakartausa
grammar and spelling

[audacieux89 256]

15 hours ago, jakartausa said:

Hey Vj people

 

My wife POEd on May 9, Married May 27th. Since POE she has refused to understand or even try to understand life here in America. Despite us living in an area with a high concentration of Asians and specifically Indonesian people she is too stubborn, lazy and afraid to make any attempt to adjust. I realize immigrating to a new country requires a massive adjustment but I have done all I can to help her adjust. She thought living here would easy, require no rules, and she felt it would be easy to make money and start a business - NEITHER of which she can do just yet. NO EAD or GC.

 

So far here is what I have done:

 

• Sign her up for school - business classes and higher level ESL courses - She will start both of these this week. (Hopefully this will make a difference socially and give her something to do)
• Find an Indonesian church and attend with her. (This she likes however she refuses to talk to anyone unless spoken to first "SIGH" )
• She hates the cold weather here and basically complains about it being cold constantly (We live in Southern California) - day and night even when its 85 to 95 degrees outside. (Aside from supplying blankets or jacket I cannot do more here)
• She wants to stay in bed all day and play games on her cell and ipad - once and a while I understand this as even I do this but all day is ridiculous.
• I have purchased her a bus pass and put money on it so she can go places but she has only used the pass once.
• I have also involved her with my family as much as possible
• I take her sight seeing as much as I can and try to get her out of the house as much as possible but still to no avail. (I work full time of course but from home so at least she isnt totally alone)

 

Note * I have filed AOS, applied for EAD and Advanced Parole 

 

I feel that if she is still depressed after she finds a job that I may recommend that she think about going home. I see no other choice for her if being her will make her feel so miserable.

 

JK

I think you also have to consider the cultural aspect to this. Most Southeast Asian countries have this cultural trait of having a debt of gratitude. She may feel like she is a burden because she cannot reciprocate or contribute (since she has no job). She may feel useless and a burden. Some people take this very seriously (especially very traditional women). She may feel a little bit depressed because of it. Don't think that this is your fault. You're doing the best you can and I suggest that you just let her adjust at her own pace. The US is VERY different from Indonesia. The culture, lifestyle, the climate, and the PEOPLE. She may feel intimidate by the straight-forwardness of Americans. It also depends on her personality. Give her more time and have more patience if you really want to work things out. She has sacrificed a lot, leaving everything behind her to be with you.  

[JFH 12,190]

You're not helping the situation, OP. In the title of this thread you say she is "failing to assimilate". The word "fail" here bothers me greatly. Why would you use such a word about your wife? Labeling someone a "failure" is guaranteed to not get the best out of them. She needs support, not criticism.

[Hopeful diva 99]

It's always difficult in the beginning, try to give her more time to adjust and continue to support her. Life would get better when she gets her EAD and can work and leave the house to do something that will meaningfully bring her income and keep her busy. It's the typical culture shock that every immigrant experiences... but she will overcome... seems like you are already losing patience. Try not to. 

[N-o-l-a 7,167]

 

You sound very mechanical with your approach to your wife.  Where is the love and the compassion?  

[Hopeful diva 99]

2 minutes ago, Hopeful diva said:

😊

 

Edited July 4, 2017 by Hopeful diva