K1 Visa - AOS - May send my wife home - failing to assimilate

[jakartausa 28]

Hey Vj people

 

My wife POEd on May 9, Married May 27th. Since POE she has refused to understand or even try to understand life here in America. Despite us living in an area with a high concentration of Asians and specifically Indonesian people she is too stubborn, lazy and afraid to make any attempt to adjust. I realize immigrating to a new country requires a massive adjustment but I have done all I can to help her adjust. She thought living here would easy, require no rules, and she felt it would be easy to make money and start a business - NEITHER of which she can do just yet. NO EAD or GC.

 

So far here is what I have done:

 

• Sign her up for school - business classes and higher level ESL courses - She will start both of these this week. (Hopefully this will make a difference socially and give her something to do)
• Find an Indonesian church and attend with her. (This she likes however she refuses to talk to anyone unless spoken to first "SIGH" )
• She hates the cold weather here and basically complains about it being cold constantly (We live in Southern California) - day and night even when its 85 to 95 degrees outside. (Aside from supplying blankets or jacket I cannot do more here)
• She wants to stay in bed all day and play games on her cell and ipad - once and a while I understand this as even I do this but all day is ridiculous.
• I have purchased her a bus pass and put money on it so she can go places but she has only used the pass once.
• I have also involved her with my family as much as possible
• I take her sight seeing as much as I can and try to get her out of the house as much as possible but still to no avail. (I work full time of course but from home so at least she isnt totally alone)

 

Note * I have filed AOS, applied for EAD and Advanced Parole 

 

I feel that if she is still depressed after she finds a job that I may recommend that she think about going home. I see no other choice for her if being her will make her feel so miserable.

 

JK

[Georgia16 2,858]

She has not even been here 2 months. After 2 months here I was a mess also to be honest and I'm even from EU.

 

Give her some more time before you think about terminating the marriage It really takes time. I've been here a year now and things are a lot better now but I'm still not settled a 100% I still don't have friends or anything.

 

Not wanting to talk to people first can be that she is shy and being in a new country can really push this.

 

Have you found site on facebook with people from her country near by? That might help as she can write then first without having to meet them face to face first.

 

Also I'm glad you have filed the AOS.

 

Of course she will have to try and do some things by herself so it's not all on you. Can you give her small things she can do like just pretend you need something at the pharmacy and can't make it so she will have to get out and get it? That way she gets out and have a reason and know where to go. Also do a bit of grocery shopping and make dinner perhaps?

 

Also try an ignore the complaints a bit she is missing home and it's a easy spot to just complain. Just really try to not let it bather you to much like the temperature issue. 

[Ben&Zian 4,398]

Agree with Georgia16.

 

My partner, though he had spent 1 1/12 years in the US on internship in New York prior to us meeting and eventual K-1, even now still 7 some months after getting here he is still adjusting. HE isn't a very social person to begin with minus with some close friends back home and others who are in the states on internships/work visas and such.

 

He just started working also in his field and is even adjusting to that as standards and procedures are different here than in the Philippines naturally. I just encourage him to just give it time and he will get used to things.

 

He does the same as in play games on our Ipad and such a lot which I was a bit surprised with, never realized he gamed that much; but that was more of me adjusting and understanding that's who he is rather than trying to get him off of it.

 

It takes time honestly. Just have to be patient and again perhaps yourself make changes to understand her better, not just make her change to assimilate. 

[blooms 63]

Well if you don't love her and don't want to be married anymore, you can divorce and move on. That's really up to you and wife. 

 

However,  have you tried counseling? You just got married and now you're thinking of possibly sending her back.

It takes a lot of time for folks to adjust, it took about a year for me! I'm from jakarta as well, moving to the country was very rough on me. I say give her a chance to settle in. Sorry if this is not what you expected. 

 

Blooms

 

[Boiler 45,486]

Remember once she has adjusted you are on the hook for the I864.

[Crazy Cat 41,845]

Maybe she needs more time.  2 months is a very short time for everyone to adjust to the "culture shock".  Does she have any connections to her home such as relatives or friends she can talk to?

 

[jakartausa 28]

2 minutes ago, blooms said:

Well if you don't love her and don't want to be married anymore, you can divorce and move on. That's really up to you and wife. 

 

However,  have you tried counseling? You just got married and now you're thinking of possibly sending her back.

It takes a lot of time for folks to adjust, it took about a year for me! I'm from jakarta as well, moving to the country was very rough on me. I say give her a chance to settle in. Sorry if this is not what you expected. 

 

Blooms

 

Its not a matter of love. I do love her very much but she constantly feels as if she is a drain on me and her perceived inability to contribute (She knows I do not mind supporting us but she disregards this anyways). She feels as if her life would have been easier had she remained in Indonesia. She and I are not mad at each other nor are we fighting but she feels as if she may have no other option but to go home if life here proves too much for her. Its not a matter of love however if she ultimately wants to return home, then Im not going to prevent her from leaving. 

[Girl from Celebes 588]

Moving to another country is tough especially if you don't have any close family around you. But I also had benefit being a journalist that I traveled a lot so being around people with same ethnicity, race, religion, isn't really matter to me.

 

it took months for me to adjust my body clock to America time zone. Luckily for me, my husband really very supported. I don't work and he is already retired from the military so we spent our time together, practically, all the time.

 

You also have to consider her background. Did she work before? Did she ever leave Indonesia before married to you? How close her family to her? How she spent her time while not working?. That's very important to know. I'm very easy to adjust so I can't really make generalization to all the situation will going to apply.

[blooms 63]

 

50 minutes ago, jakartausa said:

Its not a matter of love. I do love her very much but she constantly feels as if she is a drain on me and her perceived inability to contribute (She knows I do not mind supporting us but she disregards this anyways). She feels as if her life would have been easier had she remained in Indonesia. She and I are not mad at each other nor are we fighting but she feels as if she may have no other option but to go home if life here proves too much for her. Its not a matter of love however if she ultimately wants to return home, then Im not going to prevent her from leaving. 

 

From what I see you have some options:

1. Since you filed AOS together, you can give her a chance to settle down. Go for counseling or I can connect her to some members of our community in CA. She'll be able to work once EAD card is in hand as well. 

2. Divorce and move on (disclaimer: see Boiler's comment above)

3. Abandon her residency status and you both move to Indonesia and your wife can sponsor your KITAS and eventually KITAP. 

 

Other than that, you really have no immigration issue here from what I gather. Best wishes

 

blooms

 

[jakartausa 28]

43 minutes ago, Girl from Celebes said:

Moving to another country is tough especially if you don't have any close family around you. But I also had benefit being a journalist that I traveled a lot so being around people with same ethnicity, race, religion, isn't really matter to me.

 

it took months for me to adjust my body clock to America time zone. Luckily for me, my husband really very supported. I don't work and he is already retired from the military so we spent our time together, practically, all the time.

 

You also have to consider her background. Did she work before? Did she ever leave Indonesia before married to you? How close her family to her? How she spent her time while not working?. That's very important to know. I'm very easy to adjust so I can't really make generalization to all the situation will going to apply.

Hi, she worked in Accounting for a small company in Jakarta. She and I are in our early 40s and she has always worked. She has no family except step brothers and extended family from her previous marriage. Im fully aware that she is alone here which is why Ive tried so hard to figure out how to get her to find people to help her here. I can only do so much, and fortunately she realizes this but still it doesnt take away the depression she feels presently. She has a Profesional ahli madya (D3) in accounting so that is why I have enrolled her in an accounting certificate program here along with some advanced ESL classes. (Her English is good but could be better and she admits this without hesitation)

[usmsbow 801]

My two cents:

 

Church- good idea. My experience with Indonesian churches is people will introduce themselves and approach your wife (and you). Has that not been the case for you two? If not, you might want to try another church. My wife and I first lived in DC, and we both didn't really like the Indonesian church nearest to us (older congregation, not very friendly, depressing sermons, etc), so we went to a non-Indonesian one close to our home that we preferred. Thankfully the Indonesian church here in the Bay Area has been quite different: young congregation, friendly, upbeat. 

 

Weather- Sorry, can't help with that. Bit puzzling since LA weather seems pretty ideal. My wife has a friend from her hometown that moved with her family to LA around the same time as her, and the one thing her family likes about LA is the weather!

 

Family- I assume they all get along? At first, my wife dreaded being around my family. It was stressful for her and she felt like she had to act "perfect". It had nothing to do with my family itself, but more due to her background and culture. She had heard many horror stories about in-laws from other friends and family. Now it isn't a problem at all since she knows them well now. Perhaps the same is the case for your wife.

 

I am also grateful that our first few months together were in DC and not in a more car-centric place. She could walk to the grocery store and did volunteer work to keep herself occupied. Besides that, she watched a lot of TV, which helped her listening skills. I also had a good circle of friends, so we were fairly busy when I wasn't working too. 

 

Tl;dr version: give it a bit more time. If she worked back in Indonesia, and misses work, then there is a good chance she'll be in much better spirits after she gets here EAD card.

 

Edited to add: she might want to work on her resume, and start the job search. Sure, she can't apply for anything now, but she can get a better idea of the job market and what to pursue. Probably the easiest way to get a job is through a temp agency. Not ideal, but that's how my wife got her foot in the door. 

Edited July 3, 2017 by usmsbow

[-Trinity- 513]

I think your wife feels a bit lost and you should have more understanding and patience with her.
Immigration is a life altering change and it seems to me that you are underestimating that by labeling her as being lazy.
You might think that providing solutions to get her out of her isolation is the way out, but try to understand what she is going through instead. A little bit more empathy.

Talk with her, ask her what would help her to feel a little bit better during the AOS process. She gave up her entire life to be with you: family, friends, probably work...you can't expect her to go through all those emotions without feeling lost.

 

And if my husband believes i'm lazy that would make me depressed too...

Edited July 3, 2017 by Dutchie2016

[Girl from Celebes 588]

48 minutes ago, jakartausa said:

Hi, she worked in Accounting for a small company in Jakarta. She and I are in our early 40s and she has always worked. She has no family except step brothers and extended family from her previous marriage. Im fully aware that she is alone here which is why Ive tried so hard to figure out how to get her to find people to help her here. I can only do so much, and fortunately she realizes this but still it doesnt take away the depression she feels presently. She has a Profesional ahli madya (D3) in accounting so that is why I have enrolled her in an accounting certificate program here along with some advanced ESL classes. (Her English is good but could be better and she admits this without hesitation)

I would just assumed that she is probably bored.  I had always worked and suddenly lived my life as stay-home-wife wasn't always easy. Two months isn't good enough to say that she doesn't want to live here with you.

 

Before marrying my husband, we had discussion about what we should do if we decided to get married. I think that's many people should do if they are from different countries. Who is willing to leave and live in another country.

 

I knew the consequences. Different culture, people, and environment. My husband told me that he couldn't leave America because being in the military and the standard of life is much better which is I understood well ( he was in the military while we were still dating and by the time when we got married). I was willing to leave because I love him and the only thing that we could be together was getting married. It took 5 years before we agreed to this arrangement.

 

The only thing that I could come up is let your wife reading posts on Visa Journey. I have a friend on VJ who is married to Indonesian woman if you wanted to talk to him. If you wish.

Edited July 3, 2017 by Girl from Celebes

[Girl from Celebes 588]

33 minutes ago, usmsbow said:

My two cents:

 

Church- good idea. My experience with Indonesian churches is people will introduce themselves and approach your wife (and you). Has that not been the case for you two? If not, you might want to try another church. My wife and I first lived in DC, and we both didn't really like the Indonesian church nearest to us (older congregation, not very friendly, depressing sermons, etc), so we went to a non-Indonesian one close to our home that we preferred. Thankfully the Indonesian church here in the Bay Area has been quite different: young congregation, friendly, upbeat. 

 

Weather- Sorry, can't help with that. Bit puzzling since LA weather seems pretty ideal. My wife has a friend from her hometown that moved with her family to LA around the same time as her, and the one thing her family likes about LA is the weather!

 

Family- I assume they all get along? At first, my wife dreaded being around my family. It was stressful for her and she felt like she had to act "perfect". It had nothing to do with my family itself, but more due to her background and culture. She had heard many horror stories about in-laws from other friends and family. Now it isn't a problem at all since she knows them well now. Perhaps the same is the case for your wife.

 

I am also grateful that our first few months together were in DC and not in a more car-centric place. She could walk to the grocery store and did volunteer work to keep herself occupied. Besides that, she watched a lot of TV, which helped her listening skills. I also had a good circle of friends, so we were fairly busy when I wasn't working too. 

 

Tl;dr version: give it a bit more time. If she worked back in Indonesia, and misses work, then there is a good chance she'll be in much better spirits after she gets here EAD card.

 

Edited to add: she might want to work on her resume, and start the job search. Sure, she can't apply for anything now, but she can get a better idea of the job market and what to pursue. Probably the easiest way to get a job is through a temp agency. Not ideal, but that's how my wife got her foot in the door. 

 My husband's family is wonderful especially my mother-in-law. I couldn't asked a better mother-in-law, she's the best. 

[-Trinity- 513]

In addition to my earlier post. My husband also tried to get me in touch with friends, but it didn't work I have to click with someone to truly connect and build up a friendship.
Or he would take time off and arrange a babysitter ( without me knowing) so he could spend time with me. That's really sweet but it didn't change how I felt and it wasn't what I needed. I told him to give it some time and explained that the whole AOS process ( I live in the US since 2015, first as F1 student ) made me aware that i'm really saying farewell to my life in the Netherlands. And I can tell you, being here temporary as a student or for the rest of your life has a huge impact on how you feel and experience things. And although I love my husband very much, I was literally mourning about my life in my home country.
Sometimes its still difficult because i'm not working (yet) and I miss a lot of the things home: my family, friends, habits, food etc. etc. 
My luck was that my husband is very understanding and knows that this is part of the mental and emotional process. It's not just filing out the papers, go the the interview and you have your green card.

At some point he even suggested that we can move back to the Netherlands, but I don't want him to go through the 'immigration blues' as I did. 
And I know eventually I will find my way and feel at peace and connect with other people.

 

Edited July 3, 2017 by Dutchie2016
added missing words