Making Friends, Adjusting, Fitting in

[Wolke7 7]

Hi everybody,

Just an American popping in here. I was just reading your posts, and am horrified at what you are putting up with. I understand that you are just trying to get along, but man, these people are intolerable. I have a couple of such people in my family, though thankfully not immediate family members.

I was actually reading along to get a feel for what my wife might experience, being here.

In any case, I want to apologize for my countrymen's and -women's behavior. I hope that you will encounter some better friend material soon.

[amicablebride 25]

9 hours ago, Wolke7 said:

Hi everybody,

Just an American popping in here. I was just reading your posts, and am horrified at what you are putting up with. I understand that you are just trying to get along, but man, these people are intolerable. I have a couple of such people in my family, though thankfully not immediate family members.

I was actually reading along to get a feel for what my wife might experience, being here.

In any case, I want to apologize for my countrymen's and -women's behavior. I hope that you will encounter some better friend material soon.

Thanks! Actually to update on my situation, I am working at a less stressful job with a group of great people now. It pays much less than I’ve ever made in my life, but I no longer have a boss who yells or belittles people. :). I think first impressions of a new situation can leave people thinking a certain way. There are some really nice, caring Americans out there though. It’s also really great of you to try and understand what your wife might be going through. 

[TBoneTX 45,299]

What a relief for you.  Thanks for the happy update.

[SusieQQQ 11,586]

Sometimes it’s just luck I think. We ended up in an incredibly warm and welcoming community and fast made some really good friends (the kind who can call each other at midnight when you need someone to look after your kid because you need to take someone to hospital, etc). Yet I know different parts of the same city we live in are apparently a lot more difficult to make friends. Just luck we ended up with the neighborhood we did.

[Roy&Chanel 109]

On 10/28/2017 at 10:16 AM, amicablebride said:

Thanks! Actually to update on my situation, I am working at a less stressful job with a group of great people now. It pays much less than I’ve ever made in my life, but I no longer have a boss who yells or belittles people. :). I think first impressions of a new situation can leave people thinking a certain way. There are some really nice, caring Americans out there though. It’s also really great of you to try and understand what your wife might be going through. 

Oh hey!!!! I just happen to come across your post. OH GAWD trust me, you're not the only one!

In-laws? OH MY GOD, HELL!!!!!!!!! Its an extreme long story that I don't even wanna start! haha! And job searching, oh my goddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddd, trust me babe, you're not the worst, I AM! I got rejected so many times that I'm stopping for now till I get to finish my ROC documents and going on searching again. I'm trying to do some self study and preparing for some upcoming tests, enrich myself, get some certs, hopefully it will help me get a job in US.

And all these problems coming at me like bank issues, not able to get a credit card, credit scores do not reflect with when I'm joint with my husband, lease issues not able to include my name cos I don't have a job, etc.

I can hardly understand how people talk here lol! Sometimes Im just either clueless or I had no idea what's going on. I can't seem to mingle with friends too other than asians haha! The only non-asians that I spoke most to are probably the management and maintenance people lol!!!!!!

It takes time i guess lol just chill and afterall what matters are u and ur hubby

 

Edited November 7, 2017 by Roy&Chanel

[LittleLeaf 38]

On 11/7/2017 at 2:54 AM, Roy&Chanel said:

Oh hey!!!! I just happen to come across your post. OH GAWD trust me, you're not the only one!

In-laws? OH MY GOD, HELL!!!!!!!!! Its an extreme long story that I don't even wanna start! haha! And job searching, oh my goddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddd, trust me babe, you're not the worst, I AM! I got rejected so many times that I'm stopping for now till I get to finish my ROC documents and going on searching again. I'm trying to do some self study and preparing for some upcoming tests, enrich myself, get some certs, hopefully it will help me get a job in US.

And all these problems coming at me like bank issues, not able to get a credit card, credit scores do not reflect with when I'm joint with my husband, lease issues not able to include my name cos I don't have a job, etc.

I can hardly understand how people talk here lol! Sometimes Im just either clueless or I had no idea what's going on. I can't seem to mingle with friends too other than asians haha! The only non-asians that I spoke most to are probably the management and maintenance people lol!!!!!!

It takes time i guess lol just chill and afterall what matters are u and ur hubby

 

 

If you're having trouble with creditcards, I'd suggest looking for secured cards. VISA/Discover/Capital One all have them, and they'll help you build credit until you can be approved for an unsecured one. They're basically prepaids -you just pick what amount you want- and build credit as you spend/reload.

 

 

As for the rest of this thread, I find the hardest thing thus far is being an added body to the household (Hubby currently shares a home with his mother and sister) and feeling like I get in the way. It's just figuring out my place and finding a new routine. 

I also definitely find the lack of recycling around here crazy. I often have to remind ppl that cardboard and paper shouldn't be thrown out. >.< I would also love to turn them onto composting too, but that takes much more work, and I don't want to change things too much yet lol.

Crossing my fingers I don't go too stir crazy when winter sets in and there's nothing to do. Jan/Feb for my EAD seems so far off.

[jellyz 0]

On 29/6/2017 at 11:15 AM, amicablebride said:

For people who have already immigrated to the U.S., how do you deal with your loneliness and isolation?

 

I've been in the U.S. for almost 2 years now, and even though I've met some nice people... I haven't made any meaningful friendships. My first job was a nightmare... terrible work conditions... long hours with no breaks... and the people who worked there were very competitive for some reason and had an attitude "we are here to work, not make friends!" Yes, they literally said that on my 2nd or 3rd day! Ok... it's a daycare... lighten up people. I applied, applied, applied to get myself out of that situation... there was nothing that paid above $10.10 per hour! Plus very competitive to land another job. Also something I wasn't really used to. Finally, 1 year later I got a normal job, however during the month I was there before I got laid off, the ladies I worked with were about 30 years older than me and very close friends with each other. I adored them, but they have their special friendship. It made me wish I could have something like that. Meanwhile, I've done some meet-up groups, went on a curling team, and mainly talk to my friends and family back home. Making meaningful friendships take so much time. You just gotta hang in there and have fun in the meantime. Plus, I have my husband who I moved here to be with, and that's all the really matters.

 

BUT, when we get together with his family, I feel alone and miss my family like crazy! I think that's when I feel the most depressed and feel so isolated.

I guess I thought that his family would warm up to me very quickly. The first time I met them, they took us out for dinner and were so kind. I don't know what's changed...

I'm always smiling, polite, friendly, approachable, always laughing... But we walk into their home and they excitedly say hi to my husband, and usually don't acknowledge me until I say hi first. His mom also asked him if I was rude to his brother's wife because she told her I was. I wasn't rude to anybody, but I feel that it's rude to gossip and make up stories to your mother-in-law, but I just brushed it off thinking she probably jealous of me for some reason. So that COULD be why his family all kind of leaves me out... but in any case I think it's a horrible thing to do. People back home always make their visitors feel just as welcome as family... maybe his family is just different. So this is something I have to try not to make it feel personal. 

 

His family are all Italian. Even the other spouses that married into the family are Italian. I love Italian food and culture, but his mom has made comments about how I'm not Italian. That never once bothered me, until I sit and wonder why they don't seem to like me. Husband's mom is best friends with brother's wife. so they have all these inside jokes, gossip they share. All I have is small talk. His sister and his brother's wife also hang out quite often.. so I'll comment things like "that looks so fun!! <3" or something like that, so they must know I like them and would be interested in being asked to hang out too. But, never an invite. 

 

I've really had to step out of my shy-little-shell and butt into conversations when they talk about people I don't know... just so I'm not sitting there all awkwardly and silently. His mom could be talking about some of the girls my husband knew in high school and how ridiculously rich they are. I don't know them, or have any clue who they're talking about, so I'd either sit there uncomfortably or say, "that reminds me of my friend...she married an NHL player." But they usually talk over me, ignore, or smile, nod and continue their conversation.

 

Sooo, I've given up trying. Nobody enjoys making small talk, they don't put in any effort with me, so lately I remain cordial and polite, but I'm just sitting and listening to their stories until Husband is ready to leave. Husband is also the "favorite" son... the golden boy, so to speak. So, you'd think that they would want to get to know the woman he married. Oh well. We have to go there this weekend and once again, I'm dreading it.

 

Is anyone else in a similar situation?? I'd love to hear some other stories of your struggles when trying to adjust to your "new life". :-)

I'm guessing they are american/italians and not italians just moved from italy ... I am italian, just moved to the u.s. a year ago, and we are not like that at all. the opposite! we are chatty and friendly with everybody! although mothers in law can be a pain even in Italy, especially with their boys, they do have hard times letting their grown up kids go, and share them with another woman, so don't worry I'm sure your husbands family just need to get to know you better, in time they will realise you make him happy and will welcome you in their family.

 

I have almost the same problem with my husbands family, they love me and spoil me (tons of presents for b day and Christmas!)  and they are adorable but ... i feel like a stranger when they sit all together and start talk about things or people i dont know. I just sit there, in silence, until someone ask me something or change subject.

Food is another big problem for me, I eat pasta, pasta, and then again pasta, so when we visit his family is always awkward for me as they are meat and veggies kinda people. Last time his mom found a recipe and made pasta, becouse as I said they are adorable and want me to fit in, so I can't complain, at least they try.

I think it is normal, especially if you are shy like me, to feel a bit like an alien with new people.

unless you are ultra chatty kinda person , the only thing u can do is give it time, don't force yourself into something that is not natural for you.

 

I don't have friends either, my neighbors are all nice but all waaaay old, and I just seem not to get along with my husband's friends, nothing in common with them.

Last time we visited them i was told "this is america, you can't drink water". I don't drink soda nor alcohol so everytime we go out with them ... I am the weirdo of the group. Not fun lol

 

Usually i either become friend to someone immedialy, or is not going to happen.

 

So just like you i mostly talk to my family and my friends back home. And I miss them sooooo bad!

 

But I'm here, have my dogs and my husband, and i'm sure in time friends will come too.

 

I miss my home, friends, family, my italian shopping(i became a pro online shopper now, becouse here in nc mountains fashion is not a thing), and food like crazy , adapting is not easy but im sure all it takes is time!!!

[pajobra 1,395]

On 11/9/2017 at 12:49 PM, LittleLeaf said:

 

If you're having trouble with creditcards, I'd suggest looking for secured cards. VISA/Discover/Capital One all have them, and they'll help you build credit until you can be approved for an unsecured one. They're basically prepaids -you just pick what amount you want- and build credit as you spend/reload.

 

 

As for the rest of this thread, I find the hardest thing thus far is being an added body to the household (Hubby currently shares a home with his mother and sister) and feeling like I get in the way. It's just figuring out my place and finding a new routine. 

I also definitely find the lack of recycling around here crazy. I often have to remind ppl that cardboard and paper shouldn't be thrown out. >.< I would also love to turn them onto composting too, but that takes much more work, and I don't want to change things too much yet lol.

Crossing my fingers I don't go too stir crazy when winter sets in and there's nothing to do. Jan/Feb for my EAD seems so far off.

Ha the recycling drives me crazy here too. There is literally nowhere nearby to recycle without driving to it. I hate giving up but I don't have a vehicle to take recycling anywhere and we don't have the room to store it.  I miss our curbside recycling where I moved from in southern Manitoba. We may have been a village of just over 300 people but we have a stellar recycling program.

 

I am also trying to not go stir crazy but as far as winter goes its practically non existent here in Colorado Springs so I can still walk places and take the bus if I want without too much trouble. I don't expect my EAD until like March or April next year.

 

As for the American thing so far most I have met have been super welcoming and nice. Although before I came my husband said that one of his co-workers looked at him and seriously said so does Becca speak English. His reply oh gee I forgot to ask.  I said you should have said I spoke Cree and lived in an Igloo with my pet polar bear. lol

[amicablebride 25]

On 12/7/2017 at 2:09 AM, pajobra said:

Ha the recycling drives me crazy here too. There is literally nowhere nearby to recycle without driving to it. I hate giving up but I don't have a vehicle to take recycling anywhere and we don't have the room to store it.  I miss our curbside recycling where I moved from in southern Manitoba. We may have been a village of just over 300 people but we have a stellar recycling program.

 

I am also trying to not go stir crazy but as far as winter goes its practically non existent here in Colorado Springs so I can still walk places and take the bus if I want without too much trouble. I don't expect my EAD until like March or April next year.

 

As for the American thing so far most I have met have been super welcoming and nice. Although before I came my husband said that one of his co-workers looked at him and seriously said so does Becca speak English. His reply oh gee I forgot to ask.  I said you should have said I spoke Cree and lived in an Igloo with my pet polar bear. lol

I’m from MB too!  

[pajobra 1,395]

7 hours ago, amicablebride said:

I’m from MB too!  

Yay always glad to find the Manitobans.

[nanaaalex 49]

If you still want to meet new friends outside of work i highly recommend the app Bumble. They have a section for finding friends! I know it's weird to have a dating app on your phone while being married lol but it's amazing! I'm also introverted and shy and i was able to meet 5 new friends that have the same interests as me and I still  hang out with them from time to time months later.