Making Friends, Adjusting, Fitting in

[Suss&Camm 2,213]

6 minutes ago, Dutchie2016 said:

It's nice to know i'm not alone in this :-)
I moved in 2015 to Los Angeles Area, strangely enough I met some very nice people there. I wouldn't call it friendship, but I have to admit that i'm a bit guarded myself so i don't let people in easily. However, I met great people from different backgrounds Hispanic, Belgium, Greek and off course Americans. I quickly found a job at the college I was attending and I had a great time with my co workers. My supervisor was a tiranic lady and for the first time in my life i experienced someone at work screaming and yelling at me. i was shocked because this is certainly not something I was ok with. She wanted me to take the blame for her mistakes and I refused, she then fired me. Normally I would feel horrible about something like that happening to me. But I was the sixth person she fired in the half year i worked there...
Anyway I met my now husband beginning of 2016 and he asked me to move with him back to the state he lived. I wanted some time to think about this and eventually I booked a round trip...I never went back to California since then. We married in September 2016 and we filed AOS in March 2017. I kept going to classes but for some reason I can't find people to connect with. I registered for volunteering at my kids school, but they never responded. I'm going to a local gym cause that has always been a place for me to meet people with same interests, but nothing. Family of my husband and some of the people I meet have a different opinion about politics and religion ( living in the South) and i keep my opinion to myself to avoid arguing. My husbands family is very kind and go out of their way to make me feel at home ( as long as we avoid politics and religion lol) but I miss having someone I really connect with ( besides my husband) and who shares the same interests.

I'm also in the south...I'm wondering where that "southern hospitality" is... As far as I'm concerned it's a myth... the only ppl that are friendly are pretty much the ones who are paid to be. I'm completely allergic to "fakness" so I can't stand the fake smiles and faked interest in you from service ppl...

Gee I sound so bitter.. hahahaha

Edited July 3, 2017 by Suss&Camm

[-Trinity- 513]

11 minutes ago, Suss&Camm said:

I'm also in the south...I'm wondering where that "southern hospitality" is... As far as I'm concerned it's a myth... the only ppl that are friendly are pretty much the ones who are paid to be. I'm completely allergic to "fakness" so I can't stand the fake smiles and faked interest in you from service ppl...

Gee I sound so bitter.. hahahaha

Lol, I believe its hard to deal with fakeness when you are used to the West European mentality. I've learned to cope with it and sometimes my husband and me make jokes about it, like when a random American asks an European: how is your day going? And the European ( not used to such a question and thinks its genuine interest about his day) starts telling about their day while the American has already tuned out of the conversation.

 

I try to understand that there are differences in culture and to deal with it. I don't always understand the dynamics of a conversation ( type of humor or a proverb) I can have a decent conversation with Americans but i'm missing that typical "sensor" to truly understand timing etc. 
It's hard to explain, but i believe its something you learn growing up. You can learn the language and the customs but certain things you have to learn the hard way. Like the example about the sweet peanut butter. When I said that I missed the Dutch bread without tons of sugar my mother in law gave me this look as if I was cursing in the church..lol

Edited July 3, 2017 by Dutchie2016

[Unidentified 2,930]

1 minute ago, Dutchie2016 said:

Lol, I believe its hard to deal with fakeness when you are used to the West European mentality. I've learned to cope with it and sometimes my husband and me make jokes about it, like when a random American asks an European: how is your day going? And the European ( not used to such a question and thinks its genuine interest about his day) starts telling about their day while the American has already tuned out of the conversation.

I don't even know why Americans bother to ask how you are doing or how is your day going. When I learned English in Sweden we learned British English and what I am assuming is what a Brit would actually do. If someone ask "How are you?" You reply "I'm good thank you. And how are you?". Completly impossible in America! Someone will walk past you saying "How are you?" and you start replying and by the time you get to "...thank you..." they're gone. Like why the hell did you even ask if you are not even going to have an actual conversation with me? "Hi" would have been perfectly fine. 

 

And please don't call me ma'am, sweetheart, honey... Okay, rant over!

[amicablebride 25]

4 hours ago, Unidentified said:

I don't even know why Americans bother to ask how you are doing or how is your day going. When I learned English in Sweden we learned British English and what I am assuming is what a Brit would actually do. If someone ask "How are you?" You reply "I'm good thank you. And how are you?". Completly impossible in America! Someone will walk past you saying "How are you?" and you start replying and by the time you get to "...thank you..." they're gone. Like why the hell did you even ask if you are not even going to have an actual conversation with me? "Hi" would have been perfectly fine. 

 

And please don't call me ma'am, sweetheart, honey... Okay, rant over!

Haha, very true! I really don't know what to say when someone asks me how I'm doing. Are we supposed to just say, "good" and walk away?? Or do we just mindlessly ask them back? I really don't know what the social norm is here. It's so confusing! Why can't they just say, "hi"? Lol

[-Trinity- 513]

Usually I react exactly what I've observed others doing: I'm doing great, how about you? 

Bright smile included..lol

 

What I find difficult is that I can't really have an in depth conversation with people, besides my husband. I like to talk about all kinds of stuff but I noticed that my conversation partners usually don't show interest. 

 

 

Edited July 4, 2017 by Dutchie2016

[amicablebride 25]

5 hours ago, Dutchie2016 said:

Lol, I believe its hard to deal with fakeness when you are used to the West European mentality. I've learned to cope with it and sometimes my husband and me make jokes about it, like when a random American asks an European: how is your day going? And the European ( not used to such a question and thinks its genuine interest about his day) starts telling about their day while the American has already tuned out of the conversation.

 

I try to understand that there are differences in culture and to deal with it. I don't always understand the dynamics of a conversation ( type of humor or a proverb) I can have a decent conversation with Americans but i'm missing that typical "sensor" to truly understand timing etc. 
It's hard to explain, but i believe its something you learn growing up. You can learn the language and the customs but certain things you have to learn the hard way. Like the example about the sweet peanut butter. When I said that I missed the Dutch bread without tons of sugar my mother in law gave me this look as if I was cursing in the church..lol

I deal with this too. In a typical American conversation, especially in a group of people, I never know when to say something or what tone to use. If I try to say something witty or funny, I'm given a weird look and nobody really jumps in and adds to it. Back home, when someone is laughing, joking, or saying witty things, people build upon that and everyone just has a fun time laughing and story telling. 

 

I once told a coworker I wished my husband and I could move back to Canada one day. She looked at me shaking her head and said it would be way harder for an American to leave their country. "They are far more patriotic". My normal reaction was to kind of smile and agree, while politely saying, "yeah, I could see that. For me, I didn't leave because I'm not patriotic.. I'm just more independent from my family than my husband was." And she kept a serious face, didn't crack a smile, nothing. She just started ranting about socialism and how terrible the Canadian healthcare system must be... I didn't want to get into all that! She just asked me how I liked it here so far, and I said I love it but miss home... and it turned into political nonsense... :/ lol

[-Trinity- 513]

26 minutes ago, amicablebride said:

I deal with this too. In a typical American conversation, especially in a group of people, I never know when to say something or what tone to use. If I try to say something witty or funny, I'm given a weird look and nobody really jumps in and adds to it. Back home, when someone is laughing, joking, or saying witty things, people build upon that and everyone just has a fun time laughing and story telling. 

 

I once told a coworker I wished my husband and I could move back to Canada one day. She looked at me shaking her head and said it would be way harder for an American to leave their country. "They are far more patriotic". My normal reaction was to kind of smile and agree, while politely saying, "yeah, I could see that. For me, I didn't leave because I'm not patriotic.. I'm just more independent from my family than my husband was." And she kept a serious face, didn't crack a smile, nothing. She just started ranting about socialism and how terrible the Canadian healthcare system must be... I didn't want to get into all that! She just asked me how I liked it here so far, and I said I love it but miss home... and it turned into political nonsense... :/ lol

I have exactly the same, first I thought it's my accent. So I'm trying to speak slowly and articulate my words carefully, but it didn't help.

 

About the situation with your co worker. I have the same thing with my mother in law..it is a sweet and caring lady but according to her America is the best country to live. She has never traveled out of the country so I wonder why she believes that. I'm not patriotic at all and I love different cultures and places, I have traveled quite a bit and I think there are a lot of beautiful countries where people can live. I don't necessarily believe that one country has it all. I love a lot of things about America, but there are also things that I find difficult to cope with and that are not right in my opinion. And lol about socialism..is my mother in law your co worker? Everything is communism or socialism and are considered evil. I support the thought of being independent ( I've always been) and the government staying out of people's business. But reality is that countries are runned like a business so you all depend on each other. To avoid arguments I never get into this with her though. I listen to her complaints and arguments and give a neutral answer. I try to respect her opinion and staying true to my own. 

 

Last year my husband showed me a video, it cracked me up:

 

 

Edited July 4, 2017 by Dutchie2016

[LittleLeaf 38]

So sorry to hear about the job troubles; competitive work environments suck. Aside from making friends, figuring out a new work culture is definitely up there on my list of things I'm not looking forward to.

 

I'll actually be heading to the Stratford CT area in September once I get my K1 back from the consulate. So if you ever want to vent to a fellow Canadian I'd be happy for the company.  I'm getting nervous about being both happily married, and mourning my old life. I'm sure it's a very strange whirlwind of emotions.

 

As for the family, just keep at em, and as others have said: don't let it get you down. How they act towards you doesn't dictate your value as a friend and family member. I'm sure they'll warm up if you keep showing interest. Or maybe get your husband to talk to his Mom casually about including you and she may put a little more effort in if she realises it will make him happy too.  

 

[amicablebride 25]

11 hours ago, LittleLeaf said:

So sorry to hear about the job troubles; competitive work environments suck. Aside from making friends, figuring out a new work culture is definitely up there on my list of things I'm not looking forward to.

 

I'll actually be heading to the Stratford CT area in September once I get my K1 back from the consulate. So if you ever want to vent to a fellow Canadian I'd be happy for the company.  I'm getting nervous about being both happily married, and mourning my old life. I'm sure it's a very strange whirlwind of emotions.

 

As for the family, just keep at em, and as others have said: don't let it get you down. How they act towards you doesn't dictate your value as a friend and family member. I'm sure they'll warm up if you keep showing interest. Or maybe get your husband to talk to his Mom casually about including you and she may put a little more effort in if she realises it will make him happy too.  

 

The labor laws here are a lot different too. In other words, if you don't work for a *large* company you can be denied breaks, time off, can be forced to work holidays without holiday pay (holidays meaning the ones we Canadians have taken for granted, I guess), being forced to work when you have cancer, etc. It's kind of scary. Waitresses in Canada are far better off than most people who work for small companies in Connecticut. I sometimes try telling CT people that in Canada even if you work at a fast food restaurant or dollar store, if you work on a holiday you are getting holiday pay. if you work overtime, you're getting paid overtime. Nobody believes me. Or, they get defensive and start talking about socialism. SMH. I feel like I'm in a 3rd world country at times. I went through hell at my first job here, so be sure you do not work for a privately owned / small company because the owner will treat their employees like slaves. 

 

You're absolutely right about having a whirlwind of emotions. I was actually full of anxiety when I first moved. I was second-guessing my decision a lot. I found solace in the places around CT that look and smell like farmland (lol) or wooded areas, and by calling my friends and family back home. I realized they're just a phone call away.

 

It's weird to find yourself in a new reality until you start getting used to everything and things become more routine and mundane. I'm now able to drive from town to town and things look familiar, I"m starting to determine my go-to places to pick up groceries and run errands. I'm pretty much over the initial culture-shock, but now it's just a matter of trying to conform so I can fit in. 

 

I think that's awesome there will be another Canadian moving to CT!! That is beyond exciting! I've heard that there are 80,000 Canadians living in New York but I have yet to meet any of them lol. Are you planning to get married here? 

[-Trinity- 513]

2 minutes ago, amicablebride said:

The labor laws here are a lot different too. In other words, if you don't work for a *large* company you can be denied breaks, time off, can be forced to work holidays without holiday pay (holidays meaning the ones we Canadians have taken for granted, I guess), being forced to work when you have cancer, etc. It's kind of scary. Waitresses in Canada are far better off than most people who work for small companies in Connecticut. I sometimes try telling CT people that in Canada even if you work at a fast food restaurant or dollar store, if you work on a holiday you are getting holiday pay. if you work overtime, you're getting paid overtime. Nobody believes me. Or, they get defensive and start talking about socialism. SMH. I feel like I'm in a 3rd world country at times. I went through hell at my first job here, so be sure you do not work for a privately owned / small company because the owner will treat their employees like slaves. 

 

My husband quit a job last year, he was making good money but the way they were treating their employees was beyond anything I ever heard before. And mind you this is giant multinational who offers great benefits such as: sick leave, paid holidays,  health and dental insurance.
His breaking point came when he was denied his lunch break for a couple months in a row. They had to hit their targets and if it looks like that's not going to happen ( which was every month because they raised the target every month) the manager would be bullies. One day he was almost collapsing because he was hungry and he run in the back to take a bite of something so he wouldn't faint. A manager chased him an started screaming at him to get his ### back in the store. In front of customers....
He was done, he left and found a job with a very small company just 10 minutes commuting from here. The owners are much nicer and although he is not making as much as he did with the other company he is much more relaxed. Unfortunately they don't offer health insurance so he is looking for another job with benefits.

[amicablebride 25]

6 minutes ago, Dutchie2016 said:

My husband quit a job last year, he was making good money but the way they were treating their employees was beyond anything I ever heard before. And mind you this is giant multinational who offers great benefits such as: sick leave, paid holidays,  health and dental insurance.
His breaking point came when he was denied his lunch break for a couple months in a row. They had to hit their targets and if it looks like that's not going to happen ( which was every month because they raised the target every month) the manager would be bullies. One day he was almost collapsing because he was hungry and he run in the back to take a bite of something so he wouldn't faint. A manager chased him an started screaming at him to get his ### back in the store. In front of customers....
He was done, he left and found a job with a very small company just 10 minutes commuting from here. The owners are much nicer and although he is not making as much as he did with the other company he is much more relaxed. Unfortunately they don't offer health insurance so he is looking for another job with benefits.

That is horrible. Sickening how so many employees here are treated.

I can relate.. I worked at a daycare where I'd often have to work 10 hours straight, no breaks. If the kids didn't nap I couldn't eat lunch because I had to keep them involved in an activity. No one came to relieve you for bathroom breaks unless you begged, and then you'd get major attitude for asking. You couldn't just go either because you can't leave the kids alone. So, that was hard to get used to. Then I realized people just have bad attitudes because the work situation sucks.. so I didn't take their attitude personally anymore. Then while in the bathroom, the stand-in would let the kids run amok and you'd be stuck cleaning the mess. Also I'd get bad migraines because of the noise and the stress. If I didn't bring enough water to last me the day, too bad. I had to start lugging around a huge backpack loaded with enough ibuprofen and bottled drinks to get me through a shift. 

 

On another note, I was once in a small store and the kid working the cash register was on a phone call outside. But he did come in and go to the cash register after not too long. The manager / owner started SCREAMING at him. Pointing and waving his finger at him, shouting obscenities. The kid said he needed to call his mom about something and the boss kept yelling he doesn't care, there's customers waiting. I felt so awkward and really didn't want to support that guys business so I put down my stuff, gave the kid a sympathetic look, smiling / rolling my eyes to gesture I thought the boss was insane, and I walked out. 

Aaaand my mother-in-laws friend was battling cancer but was forced to still work. She was a dental assistant and the dentist told her if she leaves she's fired. She needed the health insurance too so she kept working. No sick leave, nothing. 

[amicablebride 25]

2 minutes ago, amicablebride said:

That is horrible. Sickening how so many employees here are treated.

I can relate.. I worked at a daycare where I'd often have to work 10 hours straight, no breaks. If the kids didn't nap I couldn't eat lunch because I had to keep them involved in an activity. No one came to relieve you for bathroom breaks unless you begged, and then you'd get major attitude for asking. You couldn't just go either because you can't leave the kids alone. So, that was hard to get used to. Then I realized people just have bad attitudes because the work situation sucks.. so I didn't take their attitude personally anymore. Then while in the bathroom, the stand-in would let the kids run amok and you'd be stuck cleaning the mess. Also I'd get bad migraines because of the noise and the stress. If I didn't bring enough water to last me the day, too bad. I had to start lugging around a huge backpack loaded with enough ibuprofen and bottled drinks to get me through a shift. 

 

On another note, I was once in a small store and the kid working the cash register was on a phone call outside. But he did come in and go to the cash register after not too long. The manager / owner started SCREAMING at him. Pointing and waving his finger at him, shouting obscenities. The kid said he needed to call his mom about something and the boss kept yelling he doesn't care, there's customers waiting. I felt so awkward and really didn't want to support that guys business so I put down my stuff, gave the kid a sympathetic look, smiling / rolling my eyes to gesture I thought the boss was insane, and I walked out. 

Aaaand my mother-in-laws friend was battling cancer but was forced to still work. She was a dental assistant and the dentist told her if she leaves she's fired. She needed the health insurance too so she kept working. No sick leave, nothing. 

But people who live here usually think this is all NORMAL

[-Trinity- 513]

According to my husband it's not normal and it has to do with changing morals. He grew up in a rural environment so I guess people in small towns act and behave different. I don't know, but when he told me about his work and with my own experience I'm kind of terrified to go out there and find a job.

I use to be a childcare care manager in the Netherlands and i'm used to treat your staff members with respect. Even if they don't function well I still had to follow guidelines and review the situation with them in a respectful way. If I had being yelling, screaming at them or making their lives miserable and make them they are worthless I would have been fired on the spot.

 

Last week I was talking with my sister in law, she just had her first baby and she quit her job as office manager. We were talking about how boring it can be to be stay at home mom. She said: I miss working, the interaction with coworkers but I don't miss the being humiliated and screamed at.

 

 

[amicablebride 25]

1 hour ago, Dutchie2016 said:

According to my husband it's not normal and it has to do with changing morals. He grew up in a rural environment so I guess people in small towns act and behave different. I don't know, but when he told me about his work and with my own experience I'm kind of terrified to go out there and find a job.

I use to be a childcare care manager in the Netherlands and i'm used to treat your staff members with respect. Even if they don't function well I still had to follow guidelines and review the situation with them in a respectful way. If I had being yelling, screaming at them or making their lives miserable and make them they are worthless I would have been fired on the spot.

 

Last week I was talking with my sister in law, she just had her first baby and she quit her job as office manager. We were talking about how boring it can be to be stay at home mom. She said: I miss working, the interaction with coworkers but I don't miss the being humiliated and screamed at.

 

 

Yes that is absolutely insane to be yelled at and humiliated at work. I have the summer off, but since I haven't been fitting in or been able to make meaningful conversations with people at work, I'm much happier not working. It can get a little lonely but I stay very busy with little projects, gardening, and getting things done around our little place. It's better than being stressed out and dreading the next day all the time. So bad for a new marriage. Trying out a new school at the end of August so I'm hoping to meet some nice people. I know they're out there!  

Edited July 12, 2017 by amicablebride
Spelling

[amicablebride 25]

1 hour ago, Dutchie2016 said:

According to my husband it's not normal and it has to do with changing morals. He grew up in a rural environment so I guess people in small towns act and behave different. I don't know, but when he told me about his work and with my own experience I'm kind of terrified to go out there and find a job.

I use to be a childcare care manager in the Netherlands and i'm used to treat your staff members with respect. Even if they don't function well I still had to follow guidelines and review the situation with them in a respectful way. If I had being yelling, screaming at them or making their lives miserable and make them they are worthless I would have been fired on the spot.

 

Last week I was talking with my sister in law, she just had her first baby and she quit her job as office manager. We were talking about how boring it can be to be stay at home mom. She said: I miss working, the interaction with coworkers but I don't miss the being humiliated and screamed at.

 

 

Canada is just like the Netherlands when it comes to respecting your employees. Even if the employee is awful, you still treat them with dignity and respect. Pull them aside in private and calmly tell them their behaviour can't be tolerated. If you yell and scream at them you wouldn't seem professional and your behaviour wouldn't be tolerated. Your superiors would probably recommend anger management and most likely ask you to resign. In a polite way of course; it wouldn't be yelling and screaming that they're fired lol.