Making Friends, Adjusting, Fitting in

[amicablebride 25]

Just now, Lupigirl said:

We're going to a pool party at my In-laws tomorrow.  It's their July 4th celebration, but since it's Canada day I'm going to incorporate a little bit of Canada too.  I'm making a red/white/blue jello dessert and also butter tarts to represent Canada!  They've never had butter tarts before.  

 

I LOVE that idea. I think I'm going to do something similar when we go for 4th of July.  My in-laws have never tried butter tarts either, nor have they tried other dainties like those peanut butter marshmallow squares, puffed wheat cake, nanaimo bars, etc. I made a rhubarb cake once but they didn't even want to try it lol. All the more for me :). 

11 hours ago, TBoneTX said:

Here's a thread from last year that has some great input in it:

http://www.visajourney.com/forums/topic/582614-newbies-to-the-us-from-canada-anyone-else-having-trouble-adjusting/?page=2#comment-7978813

 

Thank you! I LOVE this thread!!!

[Lupigirl 67]

Just now, amicablebride said:

I LOVE that idea. I think I'm going to do something similar when we go for 4th of July.  My in-laws have never tried butter tarts either, nor have they tried other dainties like those peanut butter marshmallow squares, puffed wheat cake, nanaimo bars, etc. I made a rhubarb cake once but they didn't even want to try it lol. All the more for me :). 

Oh marshmallow-peanut butter squares!  I forgot about those!  I have to make those for my hubby.

Funny story:  My husband only tried rhubarb for the first time about a year or two ago.  He told me a few months ago, "you have to try rhubarb pie, it's so good!"  I told him rhubarb is practically a weed where I'm from and I have lots of rhubarb recipes.  He was so excited, he found some at a Fry's and bought it all up!  I have never paid for rhubarb in my life.  Lol.  So I made pies, cake, jam and froze a bunch.  His family all loved it!  I think I'm lucky that my husband will eat anything, so whenever I'm craving something Canadian, he's more than happy to try it.

[Suss&Camm 2,213]

On 2017-06-30 at 10:29 AM, Unidentified said:

I have been here 6 years and I haven't really found any reals friends. I love my jobs and colleagues but I don't hang out with them outside work. I don't know how Canadians are but Americans seem very superficial, they like to pretend to be your friend until you realize they're not... Like they will pretend to be all friendly and nice to make you like them and then you actually get to know them... Scandinavians are the opposite: hard to get to know us but once you do you've got a loyal friend. So needless to say, so far my attempts of finding friends have ended in backstabbing...

 

My husband's friends and family are wonderful and I love hanging out with them but they live to far away and we rarely see them. 

oh nooo.. your post bummed me out a bit... I haven't made any friends since moving here in October.. I thought it would change once I was working.. but no one seems interested in making friendships... THis has got me thinking a lot about not really wanting to stay here in the future...I miss my friends at home... Oh and the drama and talking behind ppl's back.. I noticed it... I don't engage... but it makes me wonder what's said about me behind m y back.
Back home when we had new ppl at work from out of country we would invite them out for dinner and try to introduce them around to make them feel comfortable... there's been none of that basically.. I found if I don't stick my hand out and introduce myself it doesn't happen, so I do that every time now... I tend to think it must also depend on where you live though... I was in Hawaii for a year before and I made lots of friends over there and was invited everywhere.... miss that aloha spirit too ::) btw.. if your ever in Texas I'll be damned if I won't invite you for dinner!!! hahahha

Edited July 1, 2017 by Suss&Camm

[YorkshiretoAZ 12]

It's nice to know that people feel the same way!

 I've been here over a year now and I moved from the UK, me and my partner (same sex couple) have just celebrated our one year wedding anniversary.

I've found it hard to get around as I didn't have my driving licence here till recently and now we are looking to get a 2nd car and I'm waiting to be put on the auto insurance so I'm still not much further forward it sucks not being able to just get into the car and drive somewhere.

 

I feel very stuck right now as I've not made many friends at my work as they all have their own groups and gossip all the time which isn't very nice.

I am looking for another job but don't feel like I have any support from my wife or her family, my wife had lots of support from her family when applying for jobs with her mum sending her links for jobs, looking at her resume, cover letters etc but not even my wife has helped me with anything I've just done it all myself, she takes me to interviews and tries to sound happy for me but I almost feel that she isn't bothered. 

I feel like I gave up so much to be here and I'm just on my own fighting my own battles, my wife's family get all excited when she's there and they are nice and everything but I feel like the odd one out,  last night I got told at a family party that I'm antisocial and boring just because I was tired having being at work at 5am and did a 9 hour shift.

 

Id love to make new friends, maybe join some local groups like a craft or photography group or something so I can get out, explore and meet new people!

 

(Sorry if my post sounds a bit down, I'm trying my best to stay positive and plod on!)

[amicablebride 25]

On 6/30/2017 at 11:57 AM, Unidentified said:

Yes! Exactly! I work as an assistant teacher at a school. The teacher is gossiping about everyone and the other assistant... OMG I am so glad she is going to go study. She seemed super nice when I first started working with her. Then suddenly she asks me why I don't have nicer clothes (I dress to work with kids not to impress anyone) and told me I need to "get a life" and more friends. Last week before the summer break she told me she didn't think I was a good fit for this job... Right. I love kids, kids love me and everyone else think I am great... Oh and apparently I am a "sensitive soul" probably because I am not equally gossipy and backstabbing as them. 

 

And I can totally relate to the whole Iphone thing. And if you have an android phone and not an iPhone you're just plain weird. At least if everyone around you has an Iphone. 

I have ALSO been working as a teacher's assistant (for the last 2 months or so before the school year ended) and it's been the same thing!!! Lol. One lady at my last job actually compared my wedding rings to hers and told me I need to upgrade mine!! She told me hers' is like wearing a mortgage on her hand... but to me it looked fake to me because it was so over-the-top, too big, and not even that sparkly. I secretly was thinking in my head, "you're stuck working at this loud, crazy daycare center making $10 an hour.. and you need a ring that's the price of a house?!!!"

AND... I've had my husband's sisters comment negatively on my car (which I think it perfectly nice, it's just not a brand new SUV like they both have) and the size of our apartment. But you need like 20% down payment for a mortgage where we live, and we don't have that! They've both been gifted the money.

It really seems like most of the women here (that I've met anyways) just focus on working hard to get the best STUFF. And then compare their stuff with other people's stuff! And since I don't really care that much about "nice stuff" maybe I just don't fit in :/

 

[amicablebride 25]

21 hours ago, YorkshiretoAZ said:

It's nice to know that people feel the same way!

 I've been here over a year now and I moved from the UK, me and my partner (same sex couple) have just celebrated our one year wedding anniversary.

I've found it hard to get around as I didn't have my driving licence here till recently and now we are looking to get a 2nd car and I'm waiting to be put on the auto insurance so I'm still not much further forward it sucks not being able to just get into the car and drive somewhere.

 

I feel very stuck right now as I've not made many friends at my work as they all have their own groups and gossip all the time which isn't very nice.

I am looking for another job but don't feel like I have any support from my wife or her family, my wife had lots of support from her family when applying for jobs with her mum sending her links for jobs, looking at her resume, cover letters etc but not even my wife has helped me with anything I've just done it all myself, she takes me to interviews and tries to sound happy for me but I almost feel that she isn't bothered. 

I feel like I gave up so much to be here and I'm just on my own fighting my own battles, my wife's family get all excited when she's there and they are nice and everything but I feel like the odd one out,  last night I got told at a family party that I'm antisocial and boring just because I was tired having being at work at 5am and did a 9 hour shift.

 

Id love to make new friends, maybe join some local groups like a craft or photography group or something so I can get out, explore and meet new people!

 

(Sorry if my post sounds a bit down, I'm trying my best to stay positive and plod on!)

Happy anniversary!!

 

It took me about 1 year to get "adjusted". My first year was very difficult. But I"m now trying to fit in and start a comfortable life. I find that this forum really helps me... it's the only place I can "vent". Lord knows, you cannot vent about adjustment issues with Americans. They can be very defensive. I randomly said I missed Canadian peanut butter because the stuff here is awfully sugary... well, I've learned that you just can't say stuff like that lol.

 

 There IS a lot of gossip and I really don't feel comfortable being around that. So I sit there / don't participate, and then they think I'm antisocial and boring. Mother-in-law and husband's brother's wife hang out all the time. She's been in the picture as long as I have. But they are best friends, and it's just odd that they don't ever invite the "newbie" with them. At Christmas time, I hauled out maybe 20 gifts that were all for her from our Mother-In-Law. She got me 2 very small things, which I was grateful for, but it was very hurtful to see that she showered her other daughter in law with gifts. I moved here to make her son happy... so that he wouldn't have to move away from them. It sucks that our spouse's families don't see it that way.

 

If I didn't have my car here, I think I would have gone nuts! So I can't even imagine how you must feel. I love spending time with my husband, we always have plenty of quality time and I guess in hindsight I really don't NEED his family to like me, but it IS awkward for me when we have to go there. Dreading tomorrow.

[Unidentified 2,930]

40 minutes ago, amicablebride said:

I have ALSO been working as a teacher's assistant (for the last 2 months or so before the school year ended) and it's been the same thing!!! Lol. One lady at my last job actually compared my wedding rings to hers and told me I need to upgrade mine!! She told me hers' is like wearing a mortgage on her hand... but to me it looked fake to me because it was so over-the-top, too big, and not even that sparkly. I secretly was thinking in my head, "you're stuck working at this loud, crazy daycare center making $10 an hour.. and you need a ring that's the price of a house?!!!"

AND... I've had my husband's sisters comment negatively on my car (which I think it perfectly nice, it's just not a brand new SUV like they both have) and the size of our apartment. But you need like 20% down payment for a mortgage where we live, and we don't have that! They've both been gifted the money.

It really seems like most of the women here (that I've met anyways) just focus on working hard to get the best STUFF. And then compare their stuff with other people's stuff! And since I don't really care that much about "nice stuff" maybe I just don't fit in :/

 

Exactly! Everything needs to be brand new, expensive and all pretty and stuff. Like I told her "I don't dress like this at home. I bought these clothes to be able to hang out with the children and not worry about getting paint stains etc on my nicer clothes" but no, I was the person with the trashy clothes and she had clothes where the boys would comment on the color of her bra... I don't understand why people are so materialistic and judgmental.

 

I hope we both can find friends who are more like us!

 

[amicablebride 25]

On 7/1/2017 at 6:28 PM, Suss&Camm said:

oh nooo.. your post bummed me out a bit... I haven't made any friends since moving here in October.. I thought it would change once I was working.. but no one seems interested in making friendships... THis has got me thinking a lot about not really wanting to stay here in the future...I miss my friends at home... Oh and the drama and talking behind ppl's back.. I noticed it... I don't engage... but it makes me wonder what's said about me behind m y back.
Back home when we had new ppl at work from out of country we would invite them out for dinner and try to introduce them around to make them feel comfortable... there's been none of that basically.. I found if I don't stick my hand out and introduce myself it doesn't happen, so I do that every time now... I tend to think it must also depend on where you live though... I was in Hawaii for a year before and I made lots of friends over there and was invited everywhere.... miss that aloha spirit too ::) btw.. if your ever in Texas I'll be damned if I won't invite you for dinner!!! hahahha

That's 100% how things are over here! As the foreigner, you have to be the one to invite yourself everywhere (which is very weird)! Back in Canada, if you were the newbie, you were made to feel included and welcomed! There's none of that here. And sadly, when I tell most people I'm from Canada, they ask me where that is. I don't know if they're joking, so I don't know what to say. Now, I don't even bother telling anyone I'm Canadian at first :/

[Unidentified 2,930]

2 minutes ago, amicablebride said:

That's 100% how things are over here! As the foreigner, you have to be the one to invite yourself everywhere (which is very weird)! Back in Canada, if you were the newbie, you were made to feel included and welcomed! There's none of that here. And sadly, when I tell most people I'm from Canada, they ask me where that is. I don't know if they're joking, so I don't know what to say. Now, I don't even bother telling anyone I'm Canadian at first :/

Seriously!? They don't even know where Canada is? And I thought it was horrible that people couldn't tell the difference between Sweden and Switzerland... That is horrible. What to kids learn in school? When I was in school we had to learn all the countries of the world one continent at the time. I even had a test on the 50 states of America. What do they teach kids in America?

[Lemonslice 4,841]

Lol at the ring comparison. 

 

Best of luck.

 

After eight years, I just gave up.  We're moving out of the US and, thanks to us not spending on frivolous jewelry or new vehicles, going to semi-retire where life is a better fit for us.  I've met a few good friends and I'll miss my in-laws, however never seen such highschoolish behaviours at work.

[amicablebride 25]

2 hours ago, Unidentified said:

Seriously!? They don't even know where Canada is? And I thought it was horrible that people couldn't tell the difference between Sweden and Switzerland... That is horrible. What to kids learn in school? When I was in school we had to learn all the countries of the world one continent at the time. I even had a test on the 50 states of America. What do they teach kids in America?

If you think that's bad... the teacher I work with is in her 60's.... she was looking at a map of the U.S. that showed Alaska down in one corner and Hawaii down in the other corner... she looked puzzled and said, "I always thought Alaska was up north somewhere..." 

[amicablebride 25]

2 hours ago, Lemonslice said:

Lol at the ring comparison. 

 

Best of luck.

 

After eight years, I just gave up.  We're moving out of the US and, thanks to us not spending on frivolous jewelry or new vehicles, going to semi-retire where life is a better fit for us.  I've met a few good friends and I'll miss my in-laws, however never seen such highschoolish behaviours at work.

That sounds lovely. I hope to follow suit one day! Since I'm sure the situation here won't really improve :/.

[Unidentified 2,930]

6 minutes ago, amicablebride said:

If you think that's bad... the teacher I work with is in her 60's.... she was looking at a map of the U.S. that showed Alaska down in one corner and Hawaii down in the other corner... she looked puzzled and said, "I always thought Alaska was up north somewhere..." 

I'm speechless

[Suss&Camm 2,213]

29 minutes ago, amicablebride said:

If you think that's bad... the teacher I work with is in her 60's.... she was looking at a map of the U.S. that showed Alaska down in one corner and Hawaii down in the other corner... she looked puzzled and said, "I always thought Alaska was up north somewhere..." 

LMFAO! That made me smile.

I agree completely with @Lemonslice - the word highschoolish is so very well discriptive! Even the manager when we have group meetings presents her powerpoint slides as were it a high school project!! I was dumb founded over how someone like that could be made manager... 0.0 

[-Trinity- 513]

It's nice to know i'm not alone in this :-)
I moved in 2015 to Los Angeles Area, strangely enough I met some very nice people there. I wouldn't call it friendship, but I have to admit that i'm a bit guarded myself so i don't let people in easily. However, I met great people from different backgrounds Hispanic, Belgium, Greek and off course Americans. I quickly found a job at the college I was attending and I had a great time with my co workers. My supervisor was a tiranic lady and for the first time in my life i experienced someone at work screaming and yelling at me. i was shocked because this is certainly not something I was ok with. She wanted me to take the blame for her mistakes and I refused, she then fired me. Normally I would feel horrible about something like that happening to me. But I was the sixth person she fired in the half year i worked there...
Anyway I met my now husband beginning of 2016 and he asked me to move with him back to the state he lived. I wanted some time to think about this and eventually I booked a round trip...I never went back to California since then. We married in September 2016 and we filed AOS in March 2017. I kept going to classes but for some reason I can't find people to connect with. I registered for volunteering at my kids school, but they never responded. I'm going to a local gym cause that has always been a place for me to meet people with same interests, but nothing. Family of my husband and some of the people I meet have a different opinion about politics and religion ( living in the South) and i keep my opinion to myself to avoid arguing. My husbands family is very kind and go out of their way to make me feel at home ( as long as we avoid politics and religion lol) but I miss having someone I really connect with ( besides my husband) and who shares the same interests.