Making Friends, Adjusting, Fitting in

[amicablebride 25]

For people who have already immigrated to the U.S., how do you deal with your loneliness and isolation?

 

I've been in the U.S. for almost 2 years now, and even though I've met some nice people... I haven't made any meaningful friendships. My first job was a nightmare... terrible work conditions... long hours with no breaks... and the people who worked there were very competitive for some reason and had an attitude "we are here to work, not make friends!" Yes, they literally said that on my 2nd or 3rd day! Ok... it's a daycare... lighten up people. I applied, applied, applied to get myself out of that situation... there was nothing that paid above $10.10 per hour! Plus very competitive to land another job. Also something I wasn't really used to. Finally, 1 year later I got a normal job, however during the month I was there before I got laid off, the ladies I worked with were about 30 years older than me and very close friends with each other. I adored them, but they have their special friendship. It made me wish I could have something like that. Meanwhile, I've done some meet-up groups, went on a curling team, and mainly talk to my friends and family back home. Making meaningful friendships take so much time. You just gotta hang in there and have fun in the meantime. Plus, I have my husband who I moved here to be with, and that's all the really matters.

 

BUT, when we get together with his family, I feel alone and miss my family like crazy! I think that's when I feel the most depressed and feel so isolated.

I guess I thought that his family would warm up to me very quickly. The first time I met them, they took us out for dinner and were so kind. I don't know what's changed...

I'm always smiling, polite, friendly, approachable, always laughing... But we walk into their home and they excitedly say hi to my husband, and usually don't acknowledge me until I say hi first. His mom also asked him if I was rude to his brother's wife because she told her I was. I wasn't rude to anybody, but I feel that it's rude to gossip and make up stories to your mother-in-law, but I just brushed it off thinking she probably jealous of me for some reason. So that COULD be why his family all kind of leaves me out... but in any case I think it's a horrible thing to do. People back home always make their visitors feel just as welcome as family... maybe his family is just different. So this is something I have to try not to make it feel personal. 

 

His family are all Italian. Even the other spouses that married into the family are Italian. I love Italian food and culture, but his mom has made comments about how I'm not Italian. That never once bothered me, until I sit and wonder why they don't seem to like me. Husband's mom is best friends with brother's wife. so they have all these inside jokes, gossip they share. All I have is small talk. His sister and his brother's wife also hang out quite often.. so I'll comment things like "that looks so fun!! <3" or something like that, so they must know I like them and would be interested in being asked to hang out too. But, never an invite. 

 

I've really had to step out of my shy-little-shell and butt into conversations when they talk about people I don't know... just so I'm not sitting there all awkwardly and silently. His mom could be talking about some of the girls my husband knew in high school and how ridiculously rich they are. I don't know them, or have any clue who they're talking about, so I'd either sit there uncomfortably or say, "that reminds me of my friend...she married an NHL player." But they usually talk over me, ignore, or smile, nod and continue their conversation.

 

Sooo, I've given up trying. Nobody enjoys making small talk, they don't put in any effort with me, so lately I remain cordial and polite, but I'm just sitting and listening to their stories until Husband is ready to leave. Husband is also the "favorite" son... the golden boy, so to speak. So, you'd think that they would want to get to know the woman he married. Oh well. We have to go there this weekend and once again, I'm dreading it.

 

Is anyone else in a similar situation?? I'd love to hear some other stories of your struggles when trying to adjust to your "new life". :-)

[KULtoATL 1,551]

Not in your shoes but if you ever want a K-1 buddy, I'm always a message away Keep smiling! 

 

Based on my observation, Italians like to keep it Italians. I have some close friends who are Italians and they claim the same. However, some are friendlier than others and they'd try to make you feel welcomed.

[amicablebride 25]

24 minutes ago, KULtoATL said:

Not in your shoes but if you ever want a K-1 buddy, I'm always a message away Keep smiling! 

 

Based on my observation, Italians like to keep it Italians. I have some close friends who are Italians and they claim the same. However, some are friendlier than others and they'd try to make you feel welcomed.

Thank you, that makes me feel better! Thanks for responding

[KULtoATL 1,551]

Just now, amicablebride said:

Thank you, that makes me feel better! Thanks for responding

It can be overwhelming moving to a new country where you have no one but your partner. Hopefully you make some new friends soon!!! If there's a state thread for your state on here, chat in there with our fellow VJers. Who knows, maybe they are in the same city or town as you in your state and you guys can plan a meeting for coffee or lunch

[Lupigirl 67]

Hi,

I get it:)

Back home (Calgary) I had lots of friends, my neighbors were friendly, I did competitive sports with my dogs and met people that way...here I'm still waiting on my EAD so can't even meet people at work yet.  I have made a few friends, mostly wives/girlfriends of my husband's friends, but they're pretty superficial friendships at this point.  And I've been here a year.

Thankfully my husband's family is very kind to me (They're Italian too!).  We hang out with them most weekends and they treat me very well.

 It would be nice to have girlfriends though; the kind I could confide in the way I did with my girls back home.  I'm really hoping I'll meet more people when I'm able to start working.

[TBoneTX 45,299]

Here's a thread from last year that has some great input in it:

http://www.visajourney.com/forums/topic/582614-newbies-to-the-us-from-canada-anyone-else-having-trouble-adjusting/?page=2#comment-7978813

 

[patriot10 11]

Do not worry, this is just a passing phase, just as everything else is also a passing phase. You are new in the family and if some decided not to make you feel comfortable, then be strong and do not depend on it. Buy a walkman and get some great music, exercise and become fitter than everyone you know, take some course and increase your calibre which in turn will help in getting you a better job as time goes by. Friendships happen when they happen as you correctly said, it takes time and lots of hits and misses, its all very normal. Sometimes best friends for years become enemies or let you down in the worst possible way.

Just depend on yourself, become comfortable living with yourself ie do not seek out any friendships...let it happen, when it happens.

Be strong and do NOT let yourself feel lonely...its an artform that you need to pick up as an hobby ie being happy and content with no dependence on anyone.

You are just vulnerable as you are new...its natural, happens to almost everyone...do not feel you are singled out.

smile and just go on and tell yourself its no big deal and just carry on....it will soon be a thing of the past.

 

Best Rgds.

[Ontarkie 14,225]

I've been here 9 years and still my only good friend is a Canadian. I think there's difference between USC and Canadians as to what we call friends and how we are friends.  We bond differently with friends, my husbands friends who he calls good friends seem distant to me. I wouldn't even call them good friends but acquaintances. That is how it looks like to me, but to him they are great friends.  My good friends we talk every day, either by phone, fb, or whatever. His friends they can go months and years and they still consider themselves as good friends. 

 

(This part about his family is not what I call typical but it seems to be normal in this neck of the woods)

His family looked like they were real close and one of the reasons that I agreed to move here. I thought we would be able to raise our kids with family around. Sadly that is not the case, I actually have many of his family blocked on FB. I do not tolerate negativity or drama in my life. They are full of it. My inlaws can't even be bothered to come over for their grandchildren's birthday parties. 

 

 

[amicablebride 25]

21 hours ago, Lupigirl said:

Hi,

I get it:)

Back home (Calgary) I had lots of friends, my neighbors were friendly, I did competitive sports with my dogs and met people that way...here I'm still waiting on my EAD so can't even meet people at work yet.  I have made a few friends, mostly wives/girlfriends of my husband's friends, but they're pretty superficial friendships at this point.  And I've been here a year.

Thankfully my husband's family is very kind to me (They're Italian too!).  We hang out with them most weekends and they treat me very well.

 It would be nice to have girlfriends though; the kind I could confide in the way I did with my girls back home.  I'm really hoping I'll meet more people when I'm able to start working.

That's what I'm hoping for too! I haven't really had a "normal" job long enough to make any friends.. but remaining hopeful! Are you planning to celebrate Canada Day while down here? For me, I think a trip to the beach and then posting it with a #happycanadaday is what I might do.. just so I can feel somewhat patriotic :). I might even beg husband to go to New York because there's a Tim Horton's there!

[Unidentified 2,930]

I have been here 6 years and I haven't really found any reals friends. I love my jobs and colleagues but I don't hang out with them outside work. I don't know how Canadians are but Americans seem very superficial, they like to pretend to be your friend until you realize they're not... Like they will pretend to be all friendly and nice to make you like them and then you actually get to know them... Scandinavians are the opposite: hard to get to know us but once you do you've got a loyal friend. So needless to say, so far my attempts of finding friends have ended in backstabbing...

 

My husband's friends and family are wonderful and I love hanging out with them but they live to far away and we rarely see them. 

[amicablebride 25]

22 minutes ago, Ontarkie said:

I've been here 9 years and still my only good friend is a Canadian. I think there's difference between USC and Canadians as to what we call friends and how we are friends.  We bond differently with friends, my husbands friends who he calls good friends seem distant to me. I wouldn't even call them good friends but acquaintances. That is how it looks like to me, but to him they are great friends.  My good friends we talk every day, either by phone, fb, or whatever. His friends they can go months and years and they still consider themselves as good friends. 

 

(This part about his family is not what I call typical but it seems to be normal in this neck of the woods)

His family looked like they were real close and one of the reasons that I agreed to move here. I thought we would be able to raise our kids with family around. Sadly that is not the case, I actually have many of his family blocked on FB. I do not tolerate negativity or drama in my life. They are full of it. My inlaws can't even be bothered to come over for their grandchildren's birthday parties. 

 

 

Wow! I could have written this myself. You're absolutely right about there being a different standard of what's considered friendship. I don't want to seem "critical" of any of the Americans I've met... but in Canada, when you go to someone's house, they ALWAYS go above and beyond to make you feel welcome. It doesn't matter if you're a total stranger who was invited by someone, or if you're a family member. They include you in conversations. They talk about things everyone can relate to. They're hospitable. The Americans I've personally met are... well... different. When I first met his family, they hugged me and kissed me on the cheek, took us out for a nice dinner at Olive Garden. I thought, wow, they are soo incredibly loving! I sent them a thank you card and chocolate covered fruit from edible arrangements as a thank you. I wanted a great relationship with them.

 

But now, I dread going there. We walk in, they say hi to their son like they haven't seen him in years.. he rushes in and goes straight to the kitchen, I always take my shoes off, I don't care if American's leave them on lol. Then I go in and they're busy on their ipads or with the TV so I say hi, they say hi back. Then I follow him to the kitchen because it's just sooo awkward!

 

My in-laws won't come over or be part of their grandkids' lives either, I know it. So it's kind of hurtful thinking that I could be back home with my mom, grandma, friends, etc... tons of support while pregnant and then giving birth in a hospital where you don't have to worry about a medical bill... or going back to work after just 8 weeks! But, my husband is a good man, and I guess he's worth giving all that up for. I just miss home a lot.. and I think as Canadians, we really don't understand how good we have it until we move to the U.S. 

Edited June 30, 2017 by amicablebride

[amicablebride 25]

15 minutes ago, Unidentified said:

I have been here 6 years and I haven't really found any reals friends. I love my jobs and colleagues but I don't hang out with them outside work. I don't know how Canadians are but Americans seem very superficial, they like to pretend to be your friend until you realize they're not... Like they will pretend to be all friendly and nice to make you like them and then you actually get to know them... Scandinavians are the opposite: hard to get to know us but once you do you've got a loyal friend. So needless to say, so far my attempts of finding friends have ended in backstabbing...

 

My husband's friends and family are wonderful and I love hanging out with them but they live to far away and we rarely see them. 

I completely agree. My family / heritage is Norwegian so I do understand that Scandinavians are very kind, loving, good people. Americans seem to be very competitive. There is a lot of backstabbing, taking sides, gossip, drama, etc. But mostly, the women I've encountered mostly try to compare what you have with what they have. At Christmas dinner, two of the women in my husband's family were talking about their iPhone 7 and how great it was, then comparing cases. Then they asked me what my phone was, I said it's the iPhone5 but I don't have a plan here yet so it's all I really need. They just turned away and kept talking about their iphone 7s... like, don't they realize how uncomfortable they can make someone feel? That's just one example, but I deal with this sort of thing all the time. It's like 24/7 keeping up with the Jonses. 

[Lupigirl 67]

29 minutes ago, amicablebride said:

That's what I'm hoping for too! I haven't really had a "normal" job long enough to make any friends.. but remaining hopeful! Are you planning to celebrate Canada Day while down here? For me, I think a trip to the beach and then posting it with a #happycanadaday is what I might do.. just so I can feel somewhat patriotic :). I might even beg husband to go to New York because there's a Tim Horton's there!

We're going to a pool party at my In-laws tomorrow.  It's their July 4th celebration, but since it's Canada day I'm going to incorporate a little bit of Canada too.  I'm making a red/white/blue jello dessert and also butter tarts to represent Canada!  They've never had butter tarts before.  

I'm jealous you have a Timmy's!  My step-mom texted me this morning and told me she'd play a roll-up-the-win for me. 

 

Edited June 30, 2017 by Lupigirl

[amicablebride 25]

1 hour ago, patriot10 said:

Do not worry, this is just a passing phase, just as everything else is also a passing phase. You are new in the family and if some decided not to make you feel comfortable, then be strong and do not depend on it. Buy a walkman and get some great music, exercise and become fitter than everyone you know, take some course and increase your calibre which in turn will help in getting you a better job as time goes by. Friendships happen when they happen as you correctly said, it takes time and lots of hits and misses, its all very normal. Sometimes best friends for years become enemies or let you down in the worst possible way.

Just depend on yourself, become comfortable living with yourself ie do not seek out any friendships...let it happen, when it happens.

Be strong and do NOT let yourself feel lonely...its an artform that you need to pick up as an hobby ie being happy and content with no dependence on anyone.

You are just vulnerable as you are new...its natural, happens to almost everyone...do not feel you are singled out.

smile and just go on and tell yourself its no big deal and just carry on....it will soon be a thing of the past.

 

Best Rgds.

I LOVE this advice. Thank you so much. 

[Unidentified 2,930]

1 minute ago, amicablebride said:

I completely agree. My family / heritage is Norwegian so I do understand that Scandinavians are very kind, loving, good people. Americans seem to be very competitive. There is a lot of backstabbing, taking sides, gossip, drama, etc. But mostly, the women I've encountered mostly try to compare what you have with what they have. At Christmas dinner, two of the women in my husband's family were talking about their iPhone 7 and how great it was, then comparing cases. Then they asked me what my phone was, I said it's the iPhone5 but I don't have a plan here yet so it's all I really need. They just turned away and kept talking about their iphone 7s... like, don't they realize how uncomfortable they can make someone feel? That's just one example, but I deal with this sort of thing all the time. It's like 24/7 keeping up with the Jonses. 

Yes! Exactly! I work as an assistant teacher at a school. The teacher is gossiping about everyone and the other assistant... OMG I am so glad she is going to go study. She seemed super nice when I first started working with her. Then suddenly she asks me why I don't have nicer clothes (I dress to work with kids not to impress anyone) and told me I need to "get a life" and more friends. Last week before the summer break she told me she didn't think I was a good fit for this job... Right. I love kids, kids love me and everyone else think I am great... Oh and apparently I am a "sensitive soul" probably because I am not equally gossipy and backstabbing as them. 

 

And I can totally relate to the whole Iphone thing. And if you have an android phone and not an iPhone you're just plain weird. At least if everyone around you has an Iphone.