Possible Breakup

[Anyta Holland 1]

Right, I have spent about an hour reading the whole thread. And I hope that I don't burn in hell or don't get flamed for what I am going to say....

I really feel bad for you, as it seems (for what you have written) that he is a TOTAL loser. No doubts there!

But.... and maybe I am wrong... I too, would like to hear how he feels and what he thinks... I am married to an englishman, and found very difficult to understand a lot of things in his culture... One of them, being the drinking or going to the Pub... I also wanted to talk to him all the time, on the phone, on MSN, by email, and sometimes found it frustrating that he didn't like IM's... I later understood, that he's so slow at typing that he preferred emailing or calling every now and again.... CAREFUL I am not justifying this jerk, for I am aware that the things he says are the most hurtful and abusive things I have ever heard or read, for that matter!

When you wrote that he could go without talking to you until the visa was done first thing that sprung to my mind was: HE'S AFTER THE GC, and I still have no doubts about that. If had a penny for every time my husband was told how lucky he was to be able to leave England for the USA (by british people) I'd be rich, I swear! So my thoughts about that haven't change (him being a GC hunter, like someone else said).

Seems to me that there are loads of things that are important to you, and you want them to be important to him aswell (like the religion), and unfortunately, as much as we might hate this, you cannot share every single interest with the special someone... For example, my husband goes MAD about football (soccer for americans) and I despise it! BUT, I compromise every now and again and watch it with him... He does the same... Things I like, he goes/watches/bears with me, just because I am interested in that, and I love him for that

I think you already know your answer, you already know what to do, I am surprised you let it go so far and for so long, but then again, he must have done something right, right? I mean, it wasn't all mean and bad for the whole year, was it? If it was, then I am glad you took the step to get out of it, and would strongly recommend you broke ALL contact with him, and get in touch with the Embassy in London and tell them, that even though he might still be going to the interview, he will not be entering to get married to YOU which is the ultimate reason for the K1 to be granted.

I hope that you get to feel better, and I am sorry (in advance) if I have caused any uncomfort or anger with my post... I am just a curious person...

[MairzyDoats 0]

Catholics are not "restricted" from marrying non-Catholics. The agreements to raise children according to the faith are accurate - but there's no prohibition.

Sorry if I am confusing, Tims...My mom married a Lutheran then he converted. But he was baptised Lutheran. We can marry non Catholics but there's a huge issue with not being baptized. You have to get a dispensation for that and all the subsequent promises and paperwork. in any case I was not happy about marrying someone unbaptized, which is really my choice in the end because it is my conscience I have to listen to and be true to. I thought I was being fair in stating that at the very beginning as we learned about each other.

[homesick_american 1]

Catholics are not "restricted" from marrying non-Catholics. The agreements to raise children according to the faith are accurate - but there's no prohibition.

Sorry if I am confusing, Tims...My mom married a Lutheran then he converted. But he was baptised Lutheran. We can marry non Catholics but there's a huge issue with not being baptized. You have to get a dispensation for that and all the subsequent promises and paperwork. in any case I was not happy about marrying someone unbaptized, which is really my choice in the end because it is my conscience I have to listen to and be true to. I thought I was being fair in stating that at the very beginning as we learned about each other.

Obviously this is very important to you, but you can be a good Catholic and still be married to a Protestant. My grandmother, who was Polish and VERY religious, married a Protestant and raised her kids Catholic. My mother married a Protestant and raised us Catholic. It isn't the end of the world and if he were perfect in every other way, I would not consider this to be a deal-breaker. Then again, I'm atheist so I don't attach any importance to religion at all.

The problem is is that this guy is a manipulative, abusive loser. Don't even worry about the religion issue; there are much larger problems in your relationship. I think you made the right decision to dump him, and I hope you stick to it.

[cheeky^Wolf 0]

So much great advice has been given so far. Hopefully the OP's comments have just been confirmation of her thoughts on the matter.. she knows what she needs to do.

As I read the first post it brought back so many memories of my last relationship. Emotional blackmail, mental abuse and a control freak destroy you slowly. I'm sure if you asked your friends and family around you, they will say you have changed since being with him. I wish I had listened to family and friends and got out earlier. I didn't because I truly believed he loved me and needed me. He ended up screwing my friend so I lost him and a friend... or rather they lost me. I've never looked back since.

It sounds like his insecurities outweigh any feelings he has for you. A life of walking on egg shells and second guessing isn't fun. It won't be any better when you are together.

Good luck to you. So many peoples opinions can't be wrong.

Helen

[Donna A 4]

In every situation there are two sides of a story; I have heard your side. Could you convince him to create an account on VJ and tell his side?

The only reason I ask this is before making any judgment on an individuals actions, I think it is best to know both sides.

It sounds like the relationship is rocky at best. In my honest opinion, anytime you get people from different cultures together their entire life experiences will determine their reaction in any given situation. An American girls’ reaction to an action made by an English man can be completely misinterpreted, and so on. I have learned this to be true from personal experience.

Some of your statements I will comment on however ..

He wasn't baptized when you met, but you insist that he get baptized .. Condition of engagement

He says he doesn't want to talk, says that you are clingy, etc. yet you still insist that he talk .. maybe HE needs time to think about things but you break up with him over it

"We're still talking, but in the first phone conversation I laid it all on the line." .. sound familiar? conditions again ..

"That is the way someone treats you who WANTS to you stay with them?" .. sounds like your decision to end the relationship may be the best thing for him since he obviously cannot live up to your expectations ..

"He doesn't get it. I figured when you are crazy about someone, you want to talk to them." .. perhaps he doesn't get YOUR definition of love.

"I keep trying to forgive and get past it all but I don't know if in this case I should be forgiving it." .. do you honestly think he is the only one at fault?

"The interview date is April 23. He wants to go, anyway." .. NO WAY

"I told him on the phone that last year he broke my heart so bad I actually got depressed and wanted to kill myself ." .. WOW, Run man Run.

"I had always offered to move to England, too. He interestingly enough never took me up on that." .. is that an accusatory tone, getting married just to be in the US perhaps.

"Oh My God if I marry him, I may be dooming myself." .. you may be dooming two people ..

I know that you will hate me for this post, but I felt the need to reply honestly.

I would really like to read his side of the story, even though at this point he will probably feel publicly humiliated enough to avoid the people on this forum like the plague.

CB

u said exactally what i was thinking myself but was too afraid to say because when u go against the bunch here on vj u just get flamed. every story has two sides just as u said.

i thought the origional poster might be a little demanding myself. first of all to say if i cant marry u if ur not baptized is the same as him telling her i cant marry u if i cant get the visa. first of all...if she wants a catholic then find a catholic. she says she didnt force him to change but really what is it if u say i cant marry u if ur not baptized. ur forcing this person to change. i as a christian didnt get baptized til i was in my 30's. its not as important to us as it is to a catholic. any way...jesus wasnt baptized until in his 30's either. in my opinion a catholic is not baptized anyway....they are christianed. baptism is the body fully emerssed in water and not just sprinked with a few drops of water as in infant. jesus was fully emerssed!!! anyway enough of the religion talk.

secondly if u r not a drinker then find someone who is not one also. i dont drink and sure the heck wouldnt want to marry someone that did. she said she told him it was ok that he didnt have to stop...but i think there might have been a demand on her part to him to stop. why ask him what he will do without it.

but like u said.....there are two sides of the story.

anyway...it seams the two of u are too different. i know opposites attract but its not good to be married to someone u have nothing in common with. it will be arguing all the time and that is not a healthy relationship.

[Caladan 19]

Catholics are baptized, it just takes a different form. And Catholics can marry Protestants and non-Christians, but if they do, they have to fill out some extra paperwork and get some extra dispensations.

And wanting to talk to someone whose you're planning on marrying is not demanding. Good lord.

[Peikko 1,575]

It's quite possible this person does love you, or a least his version of what love is. It's totally impossible for anyone else to make that judgement.

However, from your point of view, you have to ask yourself, even if he does love me, is this the way I want to be treated while this relationship lasts? (I presume you would be hoping for a life long relationship)

From the outside, it looks like emotional manipulation, but that's just based on what you have written.

[NYGirl 0]

If you don't mind me asking, how old are you both?

[Peikko 1,575]

Oh, meant to say, I don't think this guy is in it for the GC per se. Scam artists are the very opposite of this guy, spending all day telling you how much they love you etc etc etc. It's not a great scam to threaten your prospective scamee (if there is such a word?)

If the relationship is over, stop the process, but flag him up? Well, I wouldn't do it just to be vindictive.

[George and Jenny 0]

It's the hottest topic of the day! I have to admit earlier I took her side but I'm sure there's more to the story than we may know. All I know is that it " takes two to tango".

[wjr 3]

I sent a break up email to my fiance a few days ago. You may think doing it in email is very cold, but in my case it has to do with my fiance continually ignoring me. As someone said above, "we women HATE being ignored." He has a habit of also hanging up on me on the phone, hanging up on me on MSN while I'm talking (not even fighting, just talking. He gets bored and turns it off.) He stopped sending me text messages, I'd asked him a week or so ago to send photos and things again like he used to because I missed seeing him and he said, "No, I won't do that." I have continually asked him to hear me, and he has refused to understand how this has been affecting me. I have cried many bitter tears over him, never letting myself actually get MAD at him or treat him in kind because I was so afraid he might leave me. I finally got to the point where I sent him an eCard on Easter Sunday, got the notice that he's seen it, and never heard from him. The next day he went on MSN, then Yahoo for a while, and never once even said hello to me.

You have to admit there's something wrong with continually ignoring your fiancee, especially when there's 5000 miles in between. He even told me on more than one occasion that he would be perfectly happy not seeing me or hearing from me til we got the visa (at that point about 3 months away.) WHAT?!

When you have a fiance who keeps saying they LOVE you but they find it difficult to stay in touch with you, it may warrant a break up email. And I took that route because I know how angry and defensive he gets, how he tries to always talk over me and interrupt me, and I needed to have my say.

He called all upset saying he didn't understand (he apparently never listened to me when I asked for his attention), that he loved me and would "do anything" for me, that I'm the best thing that's ever happened to him. We're still talking, but in the first phone conversation I laid it all on the line. And of course by the end of the conversation he was "it's not ALL ME, all MY fault." Still not hearing me.

The day before yesterday we spoke again and he said I was just attacking him, and that he has "suffered more than you ever have in your whole life" and went on about how he cared for his dying mother for years. He yelled at me and cussed.

That is the way someone treats you who WANTS to you stay with them?

Not to mention a few other choice tidbits I can't get over:

I'm Catholic, and when we met he said he was Christian and open to becoming Catholic (I never demanded him to be Catholic.) I told him that I was not allowed to marry an unbaptized person, and he said he was not baptized and so looked into the classes at a local church to become baptized. Classes run September to Easter. About halfway through these classes, he stopped going. He missed 3 or 4 until they told him he could not move on. He didn't even sit down with the priest and discuss his situation. He just took what they said and left, disgruntled. Then he came and demanded to know whether I'd be marrying him WITHOUT the baptism. I thought that was answered at the start, did I miss something? This shows that he didn't really WANT to be baptized. And I'd told him how important it was. He said, "The visa is my number one priority, the baptism can wait." He decided this all by himself and informed me of it, and that was that.

He has accused me of wanting to marry him "just to be married" and he has accused me of "using him" to "have kids." Apparently he has never heard of artificial insemination or adoption, or even just being sexually careless. I'm sure I could have had kids many times over if that were the case. I even had a guy who liked me enough 2 years ago to start talking about marriage being a possibility (but we're not the same religion at all, so that relationship wasn't pursued that way.) It's not like I was desperate and in need of just ANYONE. if that were the case why would I want someone in the UK? I am sure I could have someone a lot closer!

When I wanted him to call or chat with me, he said I was unrealistic to expect him to be online to chat with me every day. He said I am "feeble", "needy", "clingy", "trying to control him", "like his mother," "irrational." He said I have "no backbone." And then he says he loves me. ???

I have never figured out why wanting to hear from someone you love is considered trying to CONTROL him or being needy. We don't even talk every day. And he said what is the longest we've gone without contact and I said about 6 days. And he said, "and that's a crime?" and I said, "Yes." I explained that with friends there are no such expectations, that they come and go and you don't get on them over it. But if a fiance disappears without a word, or worse, comes online so you can see them and they don't talk to you, that's different. He said, "Oh so your friends are off the hook but not me?"

He doesn't get it. I figured when you are crazy about someone, you want to talk to them. Even if it's just to say hello, how are you, or send a text, "thinking of you." So we contact each other every few days now and everything else pretty much stopped. He always told me how he HATES to be online (funny, we met online and he bought a laptop just to talk to me more!). then he said, "I like going online, just not talking to YOU."

feel the love.

I am still open to talking to him, but there are so many factors involved. I keep trying to forgive and get past it all but I don't know if in this case I should be forgiving it. This is a lifetime commitment, after all. I don't see how these things can be overlooked. I just need someone different. I told him, we are so different. We want different things. And he said we could still be together and want different things.

So I don't know anymore. He has me second guessing myself all the time. But I am finally at my breaking point. So cold or not, I had to send that email, and it was not easy.

We have only known each other for a year and spent just 5 weeks together in person (where we did have arguments, though not as constant as online.)

The interview date is April 23. He wants to go, anyway.

You know I do not want to sound like a total B!!!! and I do not always opt for getting rid of someone, but really you need to get rid of this Ba!!!!!.

You seem like a very intelligent woman with a lot of morals and values, YOU DESERVE SOMEONE BETTER who wants to give you the love and attention you DESERVE!!!!!! Do not ever second guess yourself and say that you do not deserve this or that maybe it is you, because it "IS NOT". My personal oppinion...... He is Fu!!!!! around on you and is using you for the GC. I am sorry I am so straight forward about this and I am truly not trying to hurt your feelings or make anything more depressing for you, but "YOU DESERVE BETTER". I hope you can fight the sadness and do what you know your heart is telling you to. I wish you all the best and I will pray for you, WJR

[me_4_musa 1]

Good luck with whatever you decide to do. Keep your chin up.

[KarenCee 3]

u said exactally what i was thinking myself but was too afraid to say because when u go against the bunch here on vj u just get flamed. every story has two sides just as u said.

i thought the origional poster might be a little demanding myself. first of all to say if i cant marry u if ur not baptized is the same as him telling her i cant marry u if i cant get the visa. first of all...if she wants a catholic then find a catholic. she says she didnt force him to change but really what is it if u say i cant marry u if ur not baptized. ur forcing this person to change. i as a christian didnt get baptized til i was in my 30's. its not as important to us as it is to a catholic. any way...jesus wasnt baptized until in his 30's either. in my opinion a catholic is not baptized anyway....they are christianed. baptism is the body fully emerssed in water and not just sprinked with a few drops of water as in infant. jesus was fully emerssed!!! anyway enough of the religion talk.

secondly if u r not a drinker then find someone who is not one also. i dont drink and sure the heck wouldnt want to marry someone that did. she said she told him it was ok that he didnt have to stop...but i think there might have been a demand on her part to him to stop. why ask him what he will do without it.

but like u said.....there are two sides of the story.

anyway...it seams the two of u are too different. i know opposites attract but its not good to be married to someone u have nothing in common with. it will be arguing all the time and that is not a healthy relationship.

Yes, there are two sides to every story. Unfortunately her story sounded a lot like the hell I went through in my first marriage. THAT'S why I more or less supported the OP. Unless you have experienced it, it is hard to believe that one person can do that to another. Just MHO.... as always.

[Moonie 0]

So what are you going to do?

[Bobbie 1]

Amen! Run, don't walk, change the number, change whatever and raise your right hand. Repeat after me. I am an important woman with great big ovaries with squishy stuff inside. (ok thats from a poem I read, but I like it).

YOU would never allow a friend to take this kick in the gut, don't take it yourself. Treat you as you would treat others.

Wash your hands, hair and your face. Look at the beautiful face in the mirror, and say WOW, dodged a bullet there!

Now, when people ask, you can simply say.....I was so in love with him, but then I realized, I was not.

NO excuses. Forget the world. Smile and say, I needed to protect my best friend, and by getting married, she would have been hurt terribly.

Really....be good to yourself and your future children by not conceiving them with someone like this.