Possible Breakup

[KarenCee 3]

you can not live without him and you know that .

so let him go to the interview and give a chance to cum here . You treat him good and he will treat you better .

I feel sorry for the dude .

Excuse me????? SHE cannot live without HIM????? She needs to treat him good???? When did you drag your head out of the sand? He's treated her with utter contempt and you say SHE needs to treat him good? This has got to be the most unbelievable post on this thread ever. Even if you are playing devil's advocate, this is NOT good advice. Unless you are like this "dude" then I can understand why you would feel sorry for him.

*shakes head in disgust*

[JenT 0]

'Thai Pham' [/b]post='836855' date='Apr 13 2007, 04:17 PM']you can not live without him and you know that .

so let him go to the interview and give a chance to cum here . You treat him good and he will treat you better .

I feel sorry for the dude .

#######?!?!?!

Sorry, but did you even read what she wrote???

After what you just said, I'd assume that not. ANd if yes and that is your honest and real oppinion, then I feel sorry for the relationship that you are in, if you think, that this is a normal treatment.

Shaking my head!!!!!

Diana

I was wondering when the first troll would appear. Expected you here sooner, troll.

Edited April 13, 2007 by JenT

[MairzyDoats 0]

you can not live without him and you know that .

so let him go to the interview and give a chance to cum here . You treat him good and he will treat you better .

I feel sorry for the dude .

I saw what you wrote to another person who was going through a hard time and you told them their fiancee left him for someone with a bigger "organ" for lack of a better word. Then you tried to blame your post on your American friend who got ahold of your computer. YOU are responsible for what is posted under your username. You should be banned for being a troll.

[TimsDaisy 0]

you can not live without him and you know that .

so let him go to the interview and give a chance to cum here . You treat him good and he will treat you better .

I feel sorry for the dude .

#######?!?!?!

Sorry, but did you even read what she wrote???

After what you just said, I'd assume that not. ANd if yes and that is your honest and real oppinion, then I feel sorry for the relationship that you are in, if you think, that this is a normal treatment.

Shaking my head!!!!!

Diana

That's his thing. Unless I'm confusing him with someone else. Anyone? Isn't this the guy whose "roommates" always jump on his computer and mess around? Yes? No?

update: yeah, it is. that's what he does. sprays idiotic flame comments around. whatever makes him happy. kinda jerky, but what can you do.

Edited April 13, 2007 by TimsDaisy

[deemabrouk 0]

well, I total feel for you. Your situation sucks

You put time and effort into this.. And it is hard to just "give up" or "Walk away" BUT this guy is slinging some MAJOR Red flags..

Does he love you enough to Have YOU move there and DUmp the Visa? (even if you really didnt want to, But what would his reaction be??)

This reminds me of a book "He's just not that into you" http://www.amazon.com/Hes-Just-That-Into-U...g/dp/068987474X

Honestly, My Husband and me have completely Freaked out on each other before cause of the stress - being a couple in a very long distance relationship, the Visa and our daily stress - It happen's..

But we make up.. we completely apologize.. Admit our error.. And its back to the disgusting mushy lovey dovey stuff

AND if the Venting is about the Visa - He begs me to just move over there.. or Anywhere else in the world so that we can just "be" together..

SO.. I dont know.. Now is the time to Think about this with a clear head.. not your heart.. Go with your gut..

Write everything out on a Piece of paper so you can see it infront of you - What are the current things he does to Really PROVE his love to you.. Are they more than a list of the Thing he does to show That he just isnt Into you??

I'd put the Visa on "pause" until you really Know.. He wants YOU and not the VISA

[jodee 30]

YOU are worth way more than what this man has to offer. You need to get out of this manipulative, mentally abusive, controlling relationship and move on. There are plenty of other men out there who will truly appreciate you for who you are....

I know this must be so hard for you right now,..but the first step is realisation, and you have done that. Second step is action. Third step is healing. It will take time.

hugs

Jodee

[MairzyDoats 0]

I'm sure his Mum will look after him.

His mom died of emphysema and he had to look after her while she was sick and dying for 8 years. He tells me about how much he suffered. I told him, "YOU weren't the one DYING." Sorry to be insensitive, but I think she was suffering a little more than he was. That's what he meant when he said to me, "I have suffered more than you ever have in your whole life."

Megs, he had told me he could take or leave drinking, he doesn't NEED it. Later it became apparent that he really LIKES it a lot, far too much to give up. He has known from the start that I am not a bar person, I have never been drunk, I don't want to, and I am not into that lifestyle. I even asked him, "Won't you miss it?" and he said, "No, it's not satisfying to me." But then he started harping on me how I needed to go with him to the bar because you can't just go "without your lass". Pressuring me about that. And then saying that he would NOT give up his drink. (I think we know what he was saying: that even though I'm the best thing that's happened to him, cider still wins.) Not that I ever once demanded he give up drinking. I am just not a drinker and I don't want to be in that culture where I am uncomfortable. Plus anyway he only started calling me when he was drunk. And he's a very pleasant drunk. Happy and sweet. He said he goes "rarely" -- he cited once every 3 weeks. But in the past month he's got drunk 4 times. Now I drink rarely and I think my one glass of wine per YEAR trumps his definition of "rarely."

It dawned upon me as I was talking to Annie, that he had told me that if the visa was denied he didn't think he'd be able to continue having a relationship with me. Then he changed his mind. Earlier than that he'd said if it was denied he'd be too angry to talk to me for like a month or so. So his plan was to punish ME over it. He kept asking me what I would do if it got denied. What was he REALLY asking?

Sorry, I am having a "end scenes of the Usual Suspects" moment now.

[bostonparis 0]

I'm sure his Mum will look after him.

His mom died of emphysema and he had to look after her while she was sick and dying for 8 years. He tells me about how much he suffered. I told him, "YOU weren't the one DYING." Sorry to be insensitive, but I think she was suffering a little more than he was. That's what he meant when he said to me, "I have suffered more than you ever have in your whole life."

Megs, he had told me he could take or leave drinking, he doesn't NEED it. Later it became apparent that he really LIKES it a lot, far too much to give up. He has known from the start that I am not a bar person, I have never been drunk, I don't want to, and I am not into that lifestyle. I even asked him, "Won't you miss it?" and he said, "No, it's not satisfying to me." But then he started harping on me how I needed to go with him to the bar because you can't just go "without your lass". Pressuring me about that. And then saying that he would NOT give up his drink. (I think we know what he was saying: that even though I'm the best thing that's happened to him, cider still wins.) Not that I ever once demanded he give up drinking. I am just not a drinker and I don't want to be in that culture where I am uncomfortable. Plus anyway he only started calling me when he was drunk. And he's a very pleasant drunk. Happy and sweet. He said he goes "rarely" -- he cited once every 3 weeks. But in the past month he's got drunk 4 times. Now I drink rarely and I think my one glass of wine per YEAR trumps his definition of "rarely."

It dawned upon me as I was talking to Annie, that he had told me that if the visa was denied he didn't think he'd be able to continue having a relationship with me. Then he changed his mind. Earlier than that he'd said if it was denied he'd be too angry to talk to me for like a month or so. So his plan was to punish ME over it. He kept asking me what I would do if it got denied. What was he REALLY asking?

Sorry, I am having a "end scenes of the Usual Suspects" moment now.

If you do not want a life of abuse and heartache, get rid of him now. He is a disaster, and you will turn into one if you marry this man. If he decides to go to the interview and you "allow" him to, for lack of a better word, I hope it is denied, for your sake alone. This is a manipulative, controlling sociopath.

[Uzume 0]

Yes, it was stupid of me to write "possible" breakup. I don't even know why I keep talking to him, when he has not even been listening.

A few more choice notes (and I'm not making this stuff up, it's just too bizarre to make up):

- he actually blocked me on MSN once, then went on Yahoo to taunt me about me. He said, "I will be online but you won't see me. Cool, huh?"

- when he was going to come for the visit in December, the week before he threatened not to come and then said, "How is your Christmas going to be without ME? Think about it."

- he has asked me, "What will life be like without me?" Veiled threats abound.

- he has told me I "drain him emotionally and financially." I never asked him for a DIME. When I was having some work problems, he offered to send me a little money each month til I have a better job, and I told him I have money in savings, that's not necessary but thank you. He sent it anyway. And then he threw it in my face a few times saying, "You won't have the money anymore...I gave you the money...you drain me financially..." etc.

- when we talked about having kids, he was pretty stubborn about me being a full time working mom when that is not compatible with what I believe. He told me I was "not willing to compromise." Sounded like he wanted to make sure I'd be providing for HIM, really. He balked at the idea of being the provider that way. (Not to be insulting to any working mom, I just know I am not capable of doing that kind of thing as it is so much work and I credit anyone who can handle it! It's just not me and better I know it than pretend.)

- we both Christian, but he stopped going to church and put it all on the back burner as if it didn't matter. he also used to credit me with "bringing him closer to God" and when he learned of my own religious failings and problems, he got mad at me.

- his mantra is, "It does ME no good to have you think/feel/say/do that!" Example: I told him on the phone that last year he broke my heart so bad I actually got depressed and wanted to kill myself (I know, dramatic but I was at a bad point with a lot of things.) and he said, "Well I don't need a person who is suicidal." Wow. He doesn't even hear what I said. All he can think of is what HE gets out of this.

He has told me I am extremely selfish on many occasions, that I expect too much, that he does the best he can, that he thinks of me all the time, he carries my picture in his wallet which he shows to people, everything he does it's for me...tells me that maybe it's time he thinks only of himself for once since I am "unappreciative." He constantly lists how he has to give up his home, his country and family and everything he knows...but when we first met he told me that he was eager to leave, there was nothing there for him and he was unsatisfied there and wanted to get out.

I had always offered to move to England, too. He interestingly enough never took me up on that.

And FINALLY, he asked me what i wanted the other day and I said, I want time to get to know you in person BEFORE getting married. I want to NOT be engaged, but have you come to the USA on a work or study visa and give us time to know one another without the pressure of marriage over our heads.

He said, for what it is worth: "That's not possible. It is this or nothing."

I'm the "best thing that's ever happened to him" and his "soul mate" but he would give me up for his pint of cider or if he had to actually make an effort to find an alternate method of ensuring a happy marriage. Like I said, this is a lifetime thing. I really can't commit to a lifetime of THIS, the way it is. And he has asked me to forgive him, saying that he has forgiven me stuff I've done. And he wants me to sorta just get over it and keep pushing on to be together.

he is so convincing, that's the problem. He has a way of making it all seem like I have been the jerk, I have expected too much, I have been selfish and not thinking of his feelings.

It IS therapeutic to write it, but I also wrote this because maybe someone else might see this happening to them in future and they need to know that this behavior and stuff isn't ok, even in long distance relationships where sometimes you can't be sure because you aren't with the person. I also have not felt that kind of life-sucking depression that I've felt with him since like, one point in 2003 and before that probably since my late teens/early 20's when I struggled with depression issues. it was just scary to feel it again, and I felt like Oh My God if I marry him, I may be dooming myself.

He has never been a self help person, either. he has always become irritated when I brought up what I'd read in a book or advice a friend gave me. He cut me off once saying, "Do you need a book to tell you what to think or how to feel? *I* don't. I know what I think and feel." He shies away from knowledge and is closed minded, so arrogantly sure that he is the only one who knows what's right. he won't even ask his closest male friend (who is married) for advice because he says, "He doesn't know MY relationship, only *I* can know it."

Mind boggling. I wanted some validation that I really am not hallucinating and I really am right about my gut feelings here.

as someone else said, he has got me into a mental state of always second guessing myself. I think this is what victims of domestic abuse feel like when the cops come to take away the abusive partner and they start crying and defending them and begging them not to hurt them! and then they go right back to the abusive person. They have a psychological hold, somehow.

He's a game player - pure and simple. I hope with all you have written you have come to a final conclusion and started to plan for a new future. I know that sometimes it can be tempting to see what happens and try again etc, especially when you are feeling low and alone, but if this is all he can offer you at this point in your life together then blimey - what have you really got to look forward to longer term?

A lot have people have made some truly excellent points on here, read through everything again (especially all that you wrote) and ask yourself what you are worth?

I don't know you obviously, but I can imagine that you were looking for a relationship where you feel cherished, wanted, repected and loved?? This really doesn't sound like it to me! (understatement of the year)

Any man is definitely NOT better than no man (when it's the wrong man!) Leave him to his games and hang out with your friends and people who genuinely care for you for a while. Good luck. XX

[CountryBoy 0]

In every situation there are two sides of a story; I have heard your side. Could you convince him to create an account on VJ and tell his side?

The only reason I ask this is before making any judgment on an individuals actions, I think it is best to know both sides.

It sounds like the relationship is rocky at best. In my honest opinion, anytime you get people from different cultures together their entire life experiences will determine their reaction in any given situation. An American girls’ reaction to an action made by an English man can be completely misinterpreted, and so on. I have learned this to be true from personal experience.

Some of your statements I will comment on however ..

He wasn't baptized when you met, but you insist that he get baptized .. Condition of engagement

He says he doesn't want to talk, says that you are clingy, etc. yet you still insist that he talk .. maybe HE needs time to think about things but you break up with him over it

"We're still talking, but in the first phone conversation I laid it all on the line." .. sound familiar? conditions again ..

"That is the way someone treats you who WANTS to you stay with them?" .. sounds like your decision to end the relationship may be the best thing for him since he obviously cannot live up to your expectations ..

"He doesn't get it. I figured when you are crazy about someone, you want to talk to them." .. perhaps he doesn't get YOUR definition of love.

"I keep trying to forgive and get past it all but I don't know if in this case I should be forgiving it." .. do you honestly think he is the only one at fault?

"The interview date is April 23. He wants to go, anyway." .. NO WAY

"I told him on the phone that last year he broke my heart so bad I actually got depressed and wanted to kill myself ." .. WOW, Run man Run.

"I had always offered to move to England, too. He interestingly enough never took me up on that." .. is that an accusatory tone, getting married just to be in the US perhaps.

"Oh My God if I marry him, I may be dooming myself." .. you may be dooming two people ..

I know that you will hate me for this post, but I felt the need to reply honestly.

I would really like to read his side of the story, even though at this point he will probably feel publicly humiliated enough to avoid the people on this forum like the plague.

CB

[Caladan 19]

CountryBoy, I'm sure he has his side of it, but bottom line is that he's telling her he doesn't really need to talk to her until he gets the visa, and doesn't do her the common courtesy of responding to her e-mails.

That is not normal behavior for Englishmen in love. This is not some vast cultural difference.

Perhaps he feels 'driven' to it because Mairzy is so horribly annoying what with her wanting to talk to her fiancé (tongue in cheek here, obviously); maybe he's using the typical abuser line "you just make me so mad baby 'cause I love you so much.'

Either way, this relationship is bad news and she seems to be better off without it.

[ladykelia 0]

In every situation there are two sides of a story; I have heard your side. Could you convince him to create an account on VJ and tell his side?

The only reason I ask this is before making any judgment on an individuals actions, I think it is best to know both sides.

It sounds like the relationship is rocky at best. In my honest opinion, anytime you get people from different cultures together their entire life experiences will determine their reaction in any given situation. An American girls’ reaction to an action made by an English man can be completely misinterpreted, and so on. I have learned this to be true from personal experience.

Some of your statements I will comment on however ..

He wasn't baptized when you met, but you insist that he get baptized .. Condition of engagement

He says he doesn't want to talk, says that you are clingy, etc. yet you still insist that he talk .. maybe HE needs time to think about things but you break up with him over it

"We're still talking, but in the first phone conversation I laid it all on the line." .. sound familiar? conditions again ..

"That is the way someone treats you who WANTS to you stay with them?" .. sounds like your decision to end the relationship may be the best thing for him since he obviously cannot live up to your expectations ..

"He doesn't get it. I figured when you are crazy about someone, you want to talk to them." .. perhaps he doesn't get YOUR definition of love.

"I keep trying to forgive and get past it all but I don't know if in this case I should be forgiving it." .. do you honestly think he is the only one at fault?

"The interview date is April 23. He wants to go, anyway." .. NO WAY

"I told him on the phone that last year he broke my heart so bad I actually got depressed and wanted to kill myself ." .. WOW, Run man Run.

"I had always offered to move to England, too. He interestingly enough never took me up on that." .. is that an accusatory tone, getting married just to be in the US perhaps.

"Oh My God if I marry him, I may be dooming myself." .. you may be dooming two people ..

I know that you will hate me for this post, but I felt the need to reply honestly.

I would really like to read his side of the story, even though at this point he will probably feel publicly humiliated enough to avoid the people on this forum like the plague.

CB

I understand that men really are from Mars and cultures even minor differences like those between an english person or a canadian and an american can lead to misinterpretations... but clearly this relationship is way over the line of anything that could be fixed by just clearing the air.

I really must question your reason for posting this.. this woman is trying to get out of an *abusive* relationship and you are telling her its her fault. Even if she does have any ownership, it is clear that this relationship cannot continue. And the things he has said and done to her are way worse then these minor flaws in communication from her end that she has admitted to. Of course there are two sides of the story, but from what shes said, it seems pretty likely that he is just using her as a ticket into the US. This relationship is poison and she NEEDS to get out of it.

Mairzy, I for one am glad that you realized that this relationship is no good, before you commited to something you were going to regrett even more. And I'm proud of you for having the courage to address him about and stand up for yourself. You are a strong woman and although this situation sucks, you will get over it. And maybe the right guy will come along if thats what you want in life.

Edited April 13, 2007 by ladykelia

[CountryBoy 0]

In every situation there are two sides of a story; I have heard your side. Could you convince him to create an account on VJ and tell his side?

The only reason I ask this is before making any judgment on an individuals actions, I think it is best to know both sides.

It sounds like the relationship is rocky at best. In my honest opinion, anytime you get people from different cultures together their entire life experiences will determine their reaction in any given situation. An American girls’ reaction to an action made by an English man can be completely misinterpreted, and so on. I have learned this to be true from personal experience.

Some of your statements I will comment on however ..

He wasn't baptized when you met, but you insist that he get baptized .. Condition of engagement

He says he doesn't want to talk, says that you are clingy, etc. yet you still insist that he talk .. maybe HE needs time to think about things but you break up with him over it

"We're still talking, but in the first phone conversation I laid it all on the line." .. sound familiar? conditions again ..

"That is the way someone treats you who WANTS to you stay with them?" .. sounds like your decision to end the relationship may be the best thing for him since he obviously cannot live up to your expectations ..

"He doesn't get it. I figured when you are crazy about someone, you want to talk to them." .. perhaps he doesn't get YOUR definition of love.

"I keep trying to forgive and get past it all but I don't know if in this case I should be forgiving it." .. do you honestly think he is the only one at fault?

"The interview date is April 23. He wants to go, anyway." .. NO WAY

"I told him on the phone that last year he broke my heart so bad I actually got depressed and wanted to kill myself ." .. WOW, Run man Run.

"I had always offered to move to England, too. He interestingly enough never took me up on that." .. is that an accusatory tone, getting married just to be in the US perhaps.

"Oh My God if I marry him, I may be dooming myself." .. you may be dooming two people ..

I know that you will hate me for this post, but I felt the need to reply honestly.

I would really like to read his side of the story, even though at this point he will probably feel publicly humiliated enough to avoid the people on this forum like the plague.

CB

I understand that men really are from Mars and cultures even minor differences like those between an english person or a canadian and an american can lead to misinterpretations... but clearly this relationship is way over the line of anything that could be fixed by just clearing the air.

I really must question your reason for posting this.. this woman is trying to get out of an *abusive* relationship and you are telling her its her fault. Even if she does have any ownership, it is clear that this relationship cannot continue. And the things he has said and done to her are way worse then these minor flaws in communication from her end that she has admitted to. Of course there are two sides of the story, but from what shes said, it seems pretty likely that he is just using her as a ticket into the US. This relationship is poison and she NEEDS to get out of it.

Mairzy, I for one am glad that you realized that this relationship is no good, before you commited to something you were going to regrett even more. And I'm proud of you for having the courage to address him about and stand up for yourself. You are a strong woman and although this situation sucks, you will get over it. And maybe the right guy will come along if thats what you want in life.

I couldn't agree more that she needs out of this relationship, but I AM playing devil's advocate in pointing out some of the issues that I see that may have led to the current situation.

The fiancee here has definately over stepped his bounds with actions that would be VERY HARD to forgive and forget at this point, but perhaps the OP needs to find someone that fits more closely into her expectations of an ideal fiancee before she settles next time.

Baptized already, loves to talk, etc. not so much to ask I don't think .. perhaps these two just didn't know each other well enough when they made a commitment that would last a lifetime.

Like all of my posts, everything I say is my opinion and my opinion only, take it for what it is worth.

CB

[MairzyDoats 0]

I don't know that he would, being as he has told me a million times that he hates being online. Anyway how much of his side do you need when he blocks me on msn and taunts me about it on yahoo and talks out of his ###? I have the logs saved.

He wasn't baptized when you met, but you insist that he get baptized .. Condition of engagement

That's right, it was a condition for marriage because my religion restricts me from marrying an unbaptized person. It is called Disparitas cultas. If I marry an unbaptized person, I have to sign and he has to sign papers saying that any children we have will be brought up in MY religion and I would also have a duty to try and get him to convert through prayers and also probably through urging and I don't want to have to nag someone if that's not what they want for themselves. I KNOW what I want and I stated it at the very start. It's not like I sprung it on him once he proposed. he also expressed that he had been trying to "get closer to God." I was already in a relationship with an agnostic before and it was not what I wanted, so I know from experience. You can't change people and I wasn't trying to. I simply believe he was who he said he was.

He says he doesn't want to talk, says that you are clingy, etc. yet you still insist that he talk .. maybe HE needs time to think about things but you break up with him over it

I should say that the things I have mentioned took place over the course of a year. He has had more than enough time in the man cave to think. All he ever says is he loves me. If he can not communicate, what is the point of marrying anyone? I don't want to marry someone who needs that much space. You need that kind of space, don't get married. Simple.

You didn't see the parts where he threatened to break up with me if the visa got denied?

"We're still talking, but in the first phone conversation I laid it all on the line." .. sound familiar? conditions again ..

There were no conditions until he started messing with me, acting like a 12 yr old. There's nothing wrong with conditions once he's given me all of his first. You act like maybe I have just beaten up on the poor loving sap. He's so submissive about his opinion he only shouts and cusses and threatens me. He's absolutely NOT afraid of stating HIS conditions.

"That is the way someone treats you who WANTS to you stay with them?" .. sounds like your decision to end the relationship may be the best thing for him since he obviously cannot live up to your expectations ..

Wow now you're saying that I expect too much and poor bloke can't live up to it. Unbelievable.

"He doesn't get it. I figured when you are crazy about someone, you want to talk to them." .. perhaps he doesn't get YOUR definition of love.

Yes his definition is better: "It's none of your business what I do online or anywhere else."

"I keep trying to forgive and get past it all but I don't know if in this case I should be forgiving it." .. do you honestly think he is the only one at fault?

Oh yes I forgot to mention how I ruined his whole life by being interested in his welfare and offering to bend over backwards to please him.

"The interview date is April 23. He wants to go, anyway." .. NO WAY

what does that mean?

"I told him on the phone that last year he broke my heart so bad I actually got depressed and wanted to kill myself ." .. WOW, Run man Run.

You telling HIM to run? You need to be in the clutches of a sociopath and see how all the berating makes YOU feel, especially when everything else is falling apart around you, too. It'd be nice to have your fiance be the one you can run to instead of the one who sticks knives in your back.

"I had always offered to move to England, too. He interestingly enough never took me up on that." .. is that an accusatory tone, getting married just to be in the US perhaps.

Well seeing as how one of the things we both had in common was England. I am a total Anglophile and have been since about 1992. So it wouldn't have bothered me one bit to move there. And my job is portable, too. So it made sense as an option but he wanted to come here. When he spoke of the great stress of moving here, I always offered to take it off his hands and say I will be the one to take on moving.

"Oh My God if I marry him, I may be dooming myself." .. you may be dooming two people ..

Yeah he may actually have to deal with a real life woman who he can't just shut up or turn off and walk away from. As so many men are fond of doing.

[j-manu 0]

There have been many great replies and I am not sure that I can add anything new. Your situation is not easy and it has been a difficult one at that. I am sorry that your own dreams are not materializing as you hoped and I hope all the best for you. You are in my prayers.