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MairzyDoats

Possible Breakup

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Filed: AOS (pnd) Country: Nigeria
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I am sorry that after going through everything (visa process) you find out your better off alone. Your decision and action are well beyond reproach; your future happiness is at stake and with this person you would have a future but without the happiness you seek and deserve.

FYI, Sharon, and I talk a minimum of 3 times a day and more on weekend for an average of 3600+ minutes per month.

Communication is the one most important building block we have to keep a strong, secure and well balanced loving relationship when together and more so when apart.

Ron

I agree that communication is KEY. I don't get 3600+ per month because it is too expensive (calling a cell phone in Africa is 23 cents/minute). But we talk EVERY DAY. And if the lines are down or his cell network isn't working, then both of us go crazy. You need to be able to talk to him and when you are having a problem, he needs to listen and help solve it, NOT CUSS AND GET ANGRY.

I-129F

11/15/2007 = Package sent overnight Fedex to CSC

11/16/2007 = Package arrived at CSC

11/21/2007 = NOA1 (according to www.uscis.gov online case status)

11/26/2007 = Check cashed (YIPPEE!!!!!!!!!!)

11/28/2007 = Touched

11/30/2007 = Rec'd NOA1 hard copy in the mail

12/20/2007 = Touched

12/21/2007 = Touched

03/12/2008 = Touched (due to phone call)

03/24/2008 = NOA2!!!!!!!!!

03/25/2008 = Touched

04/23/2008 = Touched

05/05/2008 = Arrived at Consulate

05/12/2008 = Picked up Packets 3 & 4

06/24/2008 = Interview Date and APPROVAL

07/02/2008 = Picked up Visa at Embassy

07/05/2008 = Arrival in the U.S.!!!!!!!!! Met at POE in ATLANTA

07/06/2008 = Fly back to Salt Lake City Together!!!!

08/06/2008 = MARRIED TODAY!!!

AOS & EAD

08/23/2008 = Package sent via USPS with Signature Confirmation

08/25/2008 = Package arrived in Chicago

08/26/2008 = Check cashed

09/02/2008 = NOA1 for EAD and AOS received in the mail.

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Filed: Country: United Kingdom
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Just ask yourself if he makes you happy AT ALL. Or does the whole relationship just upset and stress you out? To be honest, I wouldn't go the self help book route myself. I think it is a waste of time in this situation. You don't need a book to tell you that he is a acting selfish and being a bit of a git. It doesn't matter if there are reasons for it. He isn't treating you the way you deserve to be treated. Simple.

I don't think he is making you happy at all so now is the time to stand your ground, make a decision and stick to it.

Good luck and please let us know what you decide to do.

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Filed: K-1 Visa Country: Turkey
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I sent a break up email to my fiance a few days ago. You may think doing it in email is very cold, but in my case it has to do with my fiance continually ignoring me.

The interview date is April 23. He wants to go, anyway.

You know everything you need to know about this man. It appears that you've given more weight to his words than to his behavior. You don't need to know anything more about this guy.

The more salient question is why in the world do you allow yourself to be treated this way? And talk yourself into believing his bs? A long, hard look in mirror is in order, m'dear. This decision is on your shoulders, not his. You already know the kind of man he is. Is this who you are?

MM and MS

San Francisco and Istanbul

I-129F Received (CSC): February 21, 2007

Filing Fee Check Cashed: February 26, 2007

NOA1 Issued: February 28, 2007

Touched: March 1, 2007

Touched: May 7, 2007

RFE Issued: May 8, 2007

RFE Reply Sent: June 25, 2007 (wrong PO Box)

RFE Reply Sent: July 12, 2007 (correct address)

RFE Reply Received (CSC): July 19, 2007

Touched: July 20, 2007

NOA2 Issued: July 27, 2007

Petition Received (NVC): August 20,2007

Petition Sent to Embassy (Ankara, Turkey): August 22, 2007

Packet 3 Arrived: September 11, 2007

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Filed: Citizen (pnd) Country: Australia
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Run away from this one.

You should be marrying your best friend...the man who is dying to just talk to you at the end of the day. Like someone else said, Stewart's NOT a phone person, but we spend so much time talking just to be close to eachother. This guys sounds like a total *****.

Run.

Finally finished with immigration in 2012!

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Filed: AOS (pnd) Country: Germany
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You know I just cant through a judgement out there about you two,fact his you are both engaged and?where getting married soon.

I just think you both have alot of issues going on and you really have to ask yourself if you would want to go into marrige with all these open issues...it could possibly cause a divorce later and a divorce is not really the nicest thing.

If you two want to go back together I think you should NOT get married until all your issues are talked through,I know a relationship is hard to maintain from such a long distance but as I said I dont think at this point in time you are both ready for marrige no matter if you get back together or not.

It is my thoughts on this,thats all...as I said I dont know you guys together. If you where there with him and you really love eachother enough I would suggest counseling,but that is if you are both willing to go through your problems and issues with a professional.

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Filed: AOS (apr) Country: Philippines
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Im sorry to hear about your ongoing relationship with that man. I guess you know now the answer to your question. It is not yet too late to find the right person that you deserve. Someone who will be willing to sacrifice his time just to contact you and not just whenever he feel it. Love is constant communications and understanding and I guess he lacks communication.

God knows that there are a better person for you..just be strong. You deserve to be happy and not to worry about love.

Cheers,

vhi

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Filed: Citizen (apr) Country: Canada
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I am so sorry for the pain and hurt you are going through. You are being very wise, though, in ending this relationship. It really doesn't have a future - and that is what you want, isn't it? A future together.

He sounds very much like a long-term relationship I had. The warning signs were there from the beginning but I was too blindly in love not to recognize them. Then, I was too worried that he would leave me and I would be alone so I put up with his ####### - hanging up the phone, not wanting to see me, not being important enough in his life to make plans that included me, going out with other women and lying about it, etc. Oh, he always apologized and told me he loved me and that we would spend our lives together - then went back to treating me like yesterday's news. Finally, I realized that he had a lot of growing up to do before he was ready for a full-time relationship, let alone marriage, and as much as I tried, it takes two to make a relationship work and he wasn't willing to put the effort into it to make it work. I realized that even if I never found another person in my whole life, I was better off without him in my life than with him. That decision gave me the strength to end the relationship and make it stick (he kept pleading with me to take him back all the other times I had broken up and I had).

So, you are ready for the commitment and the caring and giving and hard work a relationship requires - but he isn't. He is either in it just for the visa to the US, or he is just plain immature. You need to let this one go, and not look back. Trust me when I say there is a real good man who will be a good husband for you out there somewhere. I found one when I wasn't even looking; you will too - but you don't want to be trying to save your soul in a relationship with this spoiled boy when the right one comes along.

Good luck to you. As the song says, 'breaking up is hard to do', but in this case, it is the right thing to do.

Edited by Kathryn41

“...Isn't it splendid to think of all the things there are to find out about? It just makes me feel glad to be alive--it's such an interesting world. It wouldn't be half so interesting if we knew all about everything, would it? There'd be no scope for imagination then, would there?”

. Lucy Maude Montgomery, Anne of Green Gables

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Filed: K-1 Visa Country: Vietnam
Timeline

Leave NOW.

The worse that can happen if you leave now is that you may start the process all over again if you get back together.

If you Stay,

You may face a lifetime of hardship. Marriage should never be taken for granted.

07/??/00: Met Fiance

05/??/06: Rekindled with fiance

10/20/06: Proposed, with a yes!

12/23/06: Met fiance in person after over 6 years

12/24/06: Engagement party in Vietnam

01/01/07: Went back to America

01/03/07: I-129F Sent to CSC

01/08/07: NOA1

03/26/07: NOA2

04/04/07: NVC Receives case

04/13/07: HCM Consulate Receives physical file

04/24/07: HCM Sends Out Packet 3

05/03/07: Packet 3 Received

05/07/07: Packet 3 Sent

06/23/07: Packet 4 Received FROM honest neighbor BLOCKS away (sent to wrong address, actual receive date ???)

07/12/07: Interview Date!!! BLUE SLIP

08/31/07: Went in personally with sound advice from M.E. and got the PINK SLIP!!!

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Filed: Citizen (pnd) Country: England
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There are so many red flags in your post that I have no idea where to begin. If you continue with this relationship you will be looking back on it as one of, if not the, biggest mistake you've made.

His interactions and conversations with you are completely disrespectful and has absolutely no place in a loving relationship. This guy has issues, major ones, and you will be miserable if you continue with this. Saying you are "like his mother" and meaning it in a derogatory way is a huge red flag and ANY man that says that is one to stay away from. Far away.

You have written out very well many issues that are huge roadblocks to a true relationship. What in the world is there to forgive? You and he are miles apart not only geographically and never will you two ever mesh. He's just shocked and ticked off that you have had the nerve to break up with him and he'll do anything to stop it. For now. When he has you back, the relationship will be right back to where you are right now....miserable.

Chalk this one up as a mistake, but one easily resolved, if you resolve it now. Do not let this guy make you second-guess yourself. You seem to have a good head on your shoulders and I realize it is difficult to end a relationship that you thought was true. You must. Cancel the visa and stop all contact with this one; believe me you want no part of him.

Take care and best of luck,

PJ

1-21-09 Getting Naturalization documents together.

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Disclaimer: i dunno nuthin bout birthin no babys, or bout imugrayshun.

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Filed: K-1 Visa Country: United Kingdom
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Yes, it was stupid of me to write "possible" breakup. I don't even know why I keep talking to him, when he has not even been listening.

A few more choice notes (and I'm not making this stuff up, it's just too bizarre to make up):

- he actually blocked me on MSN once, then went on Yahoo to taunt me about me. He said, "I will be online but you won't see me. Cool, huh?"

- when he was going to come for the visit in December, the week before he threatened not to come and then said, "How is your Christmas going to be without ME? Think about it."

- he has asked me, "What will life be like without me?" Veiled threats abound.

- he has told me I "drain him emotionally and financially." I never asked him for a DIME. When I was having some work problems, he offered to send me a little money each month til I have a better job, and I told him I have money in savings, that's not necessary but thank you. He sent it anyway. And then he threw it in my face a few times saying, "You won't have the money anymore...I gave you the money...you drain me financially..." etc.

- when we talked about having kids, he was pretty stubborn about me being a full time working mom when that is not compatible with what I believe. He told me I was "not willing to compromise." Sounded like he wanted to make sure I'd be providing for HIM, really. He balked at the idea of being the provider that way. (Not to be insulting to any working mom, I just know I am not capable of doing that kind of thing as it is so much work and I credit anyone who can handle it! It's just not me and better I know it than pretend.)

- we both Christian, but he stopped going to church and put it all on the back burner as if it didn't matter. he also used to credit me with "bringing him closer to God" and when he learned of my own religious failings and problems, he got mad at me.

- his mantra is, "It does ME no good to have you think/feel/say/do that!" Example: I told him on the phone that last year he broke my heart so bad I actually got depressed and wanted to kill myself (I know, dramatic but I was at a bad point with a lot of things.) and he said, "Well I don't need a person who is suicidal." Wow. He doesn't even hear what I said. All he can think of is what HE gets out of this.

He has told me I am extremely selfish on many occasions, that I expect too much, that he does the best he can, that he thinks of me all the time, he carries my picture in his wallet which he shows to people, everything he does it's for me...tells me that maybe it's time he thinks only of himself for once since I am "unappreciative." He constantly lists how he has to give up his home, his country and family and everything he knows...but when we first met he told me that he was eager to leave, there was nothing there for him and he was unsatisfied there and wanted to get out.

I had always offered to move to England, too. He interestingly enough never took me up on that.

And FINALLY, he asked me what i wanted the other day and I said, I want time to get to know you in person BEFORE getting married. I want to NOT be engaged, but have you come to the USA on a work or study visa and give us time to know one another without the pressure of marriage over our heads.

He said, for what it is worth: "That's not possible. It is this or nothing."

I'm the "best thing that's ever happened to him" and his "soul mate" but he would give me up for his pint of cider or if he had to actually make an effort to find an alternate method of ensuring a happy marriage. Like I said, this is a lifetime thing. I really can't commit to a lifetime of THIS, the way it is. And he has asked me to forgive him, saying that he has forgiven me stuff I've done. And he wants me to sorta just get over it and keep pushing on to be together.

he is so convincing, that's the problem. He has a way of making it all seem like I have been the jerk, I have expected too much, I have been selfish and not thinking of his feelings.

It IS therapeutic to write it, but I also wrote this because maybe someone else might see this happening to them in future and they need to know that this behavior and stuff isn't ok, even in long distance relationships where sometimes you can't be sure because you aren't with the person. I also have not felt that kind of life-sucking depression that I've felt with him since like, one point in 2003 and before that probably since my late teens/early 20's when I struggled with depression issues. it was just scary to feel it again, and I felt like Oh My God if I marry him, I may be dooming myself.

He has never been a self help person, either. he has always become irritated when I brought up what I'd read in a book or advice a friend gave me. He cut me off once saying, "Do you need a book to tell you what to think or how to feel? *I* don't. I know what I think and feel." He shies away from knowledge and is closed minded, so arrogantly sure that he is the only one who knows what's right. he won't even ask his closest male friend (who is married) for advice because he says, "He doesn't know MY relationship, only *I* can know it."

Mind boggling. I wanted some validation that I really am not hallucinating and I really am right about my gut feelings here.

as someone else said, he has got me into a mental state of always second guessing myself. I think this is what victims of domestic abuse feel like when the cops come to take away the abusive partner and they start crying and defending them and begging them not to hurt them! and then they go right back to the abusive person. They have a psychological hold, somehow.

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Filed: K-1 Visa Country: Ukraine
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I sent a break up email to my fiance a few days ago. You may think doing it in email is very cold, but in my case it has to do with my fiance continually ignoring me. As someone said above, "we women HATE being ignored." He has a habit of also hanging up on me on the phone, hanging up on me on MSN while I'm talking (not even fighting, just talking. He gets bored and turns it off.) He stopped sending me text messages, I'd asked him a week or so ago to send photos and things again like he used to because I missed seeing him and he said, "No, I won't do that." I have continually asked him to hear me, and he has refused to understand how this has been affecting me. I have cried many bitter tears over him, never letting myself actually get MAD at him or treat him in kind because I was so afraid he might leave me. I finally got to the point where I sent him an eCard on Easter Sunday, got the notice that he's seen it, and never heard from him. The next day he went on MSN, then Yahoo for a while, and never once even said hello to me.

You have to admit there's something wrong with continually ignoring your fiancee, especially when there's 5000 miles in between. He even told me on more than one occasion that he would be perfectly happy not seeing me or hearing from me til we got the visa (at that point about 3 months away.) WHAT?!

When you have a fiance who keeps saying they LOVE you but they find it difficult to stay in touch with you, it may warrant a break up email. And I took that route because I know how angry and defensive he gets, how he tries to always talk over me and interrupt me, and I needed to have my say.

He called all upset saying he didn't understand (he apparently never listened to me when I asked for his attention), that he loved me and would "do anything" for me, that I'm the best thing that's ever happened to him. We're still talking, but in the first phone conversation I laid it all on the line. And of course by the end of the conversation he was "it's not ALL ME, all MY fault." Still not hearing me.

The day before yesterday we spoke again and he said I was just attacking him, and that he has "suffered more than you ever have in your whole life" and went on about how he cared for his dying mother for years. He yelled at me and cussed.

That is the way someone treats you who WANTS to you stay with them?

Not to mention a few other choice tidbits I can't get over:

I'm Catholic, and when we met he said he was Christian and open to becoming Catholic (I never demanded him to be Catholic.) I told him that I was not allowed to marry an unbaptized person, and he said he was not baptized and so looked into the classes at a local church to become baptized. Classes run September to Easter. About halfway through these classes, he stopped going. He missed 3 or 4 until they told him he could not move on. He didn't even sit down with the priest and discuss his situation. He just took what they said and left, disgruntled. Then he came and demanded to know whether I'd be marrying him WITHOUT the baptism. I thought that was answered at the start, did I miss something? This shows that he didn't really WANT to be baptized. And I'd told him how important it was. He said, "The visa is my number one priority, the baptism can wait." He decided this all by himself and informed me of it, and that was that.

He has accused me of wanting to marry him "just to be married" and he has accused me of "using him" to "have kids." Apparently he has never heard of artificial insemination or adoption, or even just being sexually careless. I'm sure I could have had kids many times over if that were the case. I even had a guy who liked me enough 2 years ago to start talking about marriage being a possibility (but we're not the same religion at all, so that relationship wasn't pursued that way.) It's not like I was desperate and in need of just ANYONE. if that were the case why would I want someone in the UK? I am sure I could have someone a lot closer!

When I wanted him to call or chat with me, he said I was unrealistic to expect him to be online to chat with me every day. He said I am "feeble", "needy", "clingy", "trying to control him", "like his mother," "irrational." He said I have "no backbone." And then he says he loves me. ???

I have never figured out why wanting to hear from someone you love is considered trying to CONTROL him or being needy. We don't even talk every day. And he said what is the longest we've gone without contact and I said about 6 days. And he said, "and that's a crime?" and I said, "Yes." I explained that with friends there are no such expectations, that they come and go and you don't get on them over it. But if a fiance disappears without a word, or worse, comes online so you can see them and they don't talk to you, that's different. He said, "Oh so your friends are off the hook but not me?"

He doesn't get it. I figured when you are crazy about someone, you want to talk to them. Even if it's just to say hello, how are you, or send a text, "thinking of you." So we contact each other every few days now and everything else pretty much stopped. He always told me how he HATES to be online (funny, we met online and he bought a laptop just to talk to me more!). then he said, "I like going online, just not talking to YOU."

feel the love.

I am still open to talking to him, but there are so many factors involved. I keep trying to forgive and get past it all but I don't know if in this case I should be forgiving it. This is a lifetime commitment, after all. I don't see how these things can be overlooked. I just need someone different. I told him, we are so different. We want different things. And he said we could still be together and want different things.

So I don't know anymore. He has me second guessing myself all the time. But I am finally at my breaking point. So cold or not, I had to send that email, and it was not easy.

We have only known each other for a year and spent just 5 weeks together in person (where we did have arguments, though not as constant as online.)

The interview date is April 23. He wants to go, anyway.

I do not get it, where are you from and where is he from? AND have you met in person and for how long and well this is bizarre, I would have thought you would have met more than 5 weeks or known each other longer than that, and meeting online and believing in it is reckless, you still have to take normal time and get to know someone and see how they behave in person in different situations. I am sorry you are going through all this but how did you get to this point or even allow it to happen, sounds like you should have never been engaged in first place! I pray for you. Feel free to email me. Is the guy from USA or where? Based on what you say it sounds like you need to end it now and forget it. Sorry for dose or reality check, but open your eyes darling.

ZQT3344

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theres so much here that I could go on for pages, but this is what I really want to address..

Mind boggling. I wanted some validation that I really am not hallucinating and I really am right about my gut feelings here.

as someone else said, he has got me into a mental state of always second guessing myself.

Alays trust your gut. And, you have been a lot stronger and braver than you have given yourself credit for. After all you've done the most difficult part.

A friend of mine went through a similar thing, all I could say to her was that, if this person is the one for you, you only get one beginning. It should be the most memorable, perfect, fun , fuzzy ( fill in the blank......) time. You should be smiling at nothing, getting the tingles when you hear the phone, making plans, not to mention BURSTING at the thought of seeing each other again.

That you are in so much pain, second guessing yourself, being taunted and generally thinking that you're going nuts is just so, so wrong.

2006

April 14 - sent I-129F to Vermont

April 25 - NOA1

May, June, July lost to IMBRA and RFE's

Aug 22 - NOA2

Sept 25 - interview date OCTOBER 13th

Oct 26 - arrived at JFK - work authorized

Nov 21 - apply SSN, received Nov 29

Dec 16 - marriage license

2007

Jan 05 - wedding

Jan 30 - AOS begins

AOS

Feb 07 - NOA1 ,check cashed

Feb 28 - notice I-485 sent to CSC

Mar 10 - Biometrics

Apr 16 - surprise RFE arrives..they lost my medical. New medical returned, Apr 23

Jun 1st - RFE ..more medical BS ( go back for TB skin test)

Jun 28 - CARD PRODUCTION ORDERED!!!

July 06- Green card arrives.

LIFTING CONDITIONS 2009

June 12 - mailed package

June 15 - check cashed

June 19 - NOA extension letter ( card expires June 26th)

July 03 - Biometrics notice

July 14 - Biometrics appointment

OCT 29 - CARD PRODUCTION ORDERED!!!

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Having been in a truly abusive relationship I can relate to much of what you say. AT the end of your summary you show some insight into the cycle of abuse and believe me...you are right in the middle of it right now. It will take all the courage and strength you have, but ONLY YOU can stop the cycle of abuse and stop enabling his behavior. Only you can make the decision to stop allowing him to affect your life negatively.

Change your phone number, change your email address, change anything you have to so that only you have the ability to control if and how much contact you have with him. DO NOT give in to emotional blackmail.

Only you can decide what to do, but trust me, you have been given some very good advice here - this relationship is already leading you to despair, despondency and emotional destruction and you're not even married yet. It will only get worse if you do not get out of this destructive cycle of abusive behavior.

Remember, you are worth so much more and there is someone out there who one day will truly value everything that you are not just as an individual but as a part of a loving couple too. This guy is not it...

OUR TIMELINE

K1 VISA & MARRIAGE - 8 MONTHS

17 February 2004 Sent I-129F petition CSC - It was APPROVED in 147 days

3 September 2004 INTERVIEW IN LONDON SUCCESSFUL VISA APPROVED! MARRIED OCTOBER 16, 2004

ADJUSTMENT OF STATUS - 5 MONTHS

4 January 2005 - Submitted applications for AOS and EAD - 12 May 2005 Conditional Permanent Residency Approved - interview in Santa Ana

4 June 2005 CPR 2-year Green Card arrives in mail

REMOVAL OF CONDITIONS - 3½ MONTHS

8 May 2007 - I-751 sent to CSC - 23 August 2007 - Approved - Card production ordered

30 August 2007 - 10 year Green Card received

K2 TIMELINE (Stayed behind in UK to finish school)

28 March 2005 - embassy interview & medical London - visa granted

01/18/06 Applications for AOS/EAD sent - 03/28/06 EAD approved

4/3/06 - RFE for AOS - requested new medical and vacc supplement

4/26/06 - approved without interview and welcome letter sent

05/02/2006 - Greencard arrives in mail

03/14/08 - Petition to Remove Conditions mailed to CSC delivered - 7/2/08 APPROVED

NATURALIZATION TIMELINE (for myself and son) 5 MONTHS

April 18, 2011 - N-400 Applications Mailed to AZ lockbox

April 21 (received April 25) NOAs

May 12 - FP Letters mailed

May 16 - Received FP appointment letters for June 8 at 11am

August 1 - Interview - approved for Oath Ceremony - OATH CEREMONY 28 SEPTEMBER

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Filed: AOS (apr) Country: Brazil
Timeline
theres so much here that I could go on for pages, but this is what I really want to address..
Mind boggling. I wanted some validation that I really am not hallucinating and I really am right about my gut feelings here.

as someone else said, he has got me into a mental state of always second guessing myself.

Alays trust your gut. And, you have been a lot stronger and braver than you have given yourself credit for. After all you've done the most difficult part.

A friend of mine went through a similar thing, all I could say to her was that, if this person is the one for you, you only get one beginning. It should be the most memorable, perfect, fun , fuzzy ( fill in the blank......) time.

I agree that you shouldn't be with someone that doesn't even understand why they are making you upset and tries to convince you that it's you who is crazy. I have been through that and nothing makes you feel worse. To MairzyDoats and anyone else in a relationship like this: have enough self-esteem now to recognize that you deserve to be made happy, and have the grace to get out now; there is no reward in "not giving up" in the world of doomed relationships. You will end up married before you were ready and wondering why you didn't wait for someone who knew what real love was.

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