Possible Breakup

[sj5 4]

Well, you have to think hard before you leaving him but called you "needy, using him or so to you" isn't a good sign at all.

Hoping both of you will sort the arguements.

[MairzyDoats 0]

I don't really know what caused the breakdown but for me it was communication. He didn't see the need to be online every day or every other day etc. and I loved to see him and talk to him and looked forward to it. He hates being online, he says. So it was up to me to respect that and say ok, let's not be online. But phone bills are very expensive and he had to compromise. I did, too. I would have liked to see him as often as possible, but he hates "chit chat". So was it me who expected too much of him? Or was it him being controlling in deciding how and where and when we'd speak, cutting me off etc.?

I think these are legit questions and you guys are the only people who deal with distance communication that I know right now and I feel are qualified to talk about it.

But see, the distance isn't killing YOUR relationships. Somehow you're making it through without ending up with namecalling, your partner blocking you on MSN, taunting you on Yahoo, not speaking to you, not returning phone calls etc. or telling you to call back then not picking up.

I think I have problems and partially those problems contributed to this mess. I care for him, that's not going to change. I'm furious with him, too. I wish I COULD marry him, but how can you marry someone you can't seem to have a talk with without fighting about something? He says he's apologized for the mistakes he has made but I can't forgive him and that's the problem. Me not being forgiving. I said that wounds take time to heal and after I sent that email about breaking up, it was time to start rebuilding trust. That didn't happen -- he ended up attacking me and calling me a cow. I mean, maybe I am a really messed up person but I never hid my problems from him and he always said he took everything on board about me, understood. Maybe he took on more than he could handle.

I can certainly forgive him that. But forgiveness and even love don't make a marriage, not when he keeps calling names or being aggressive. And I don't see how he can really deal with me as long as I don't have myself figured out.

So like someone said, we're both toxic and that's that. We each have to deal with our own stuff before thinking of being together. That's the cold hard truth of it. Not that I don't care for him. It's my caring for him that makes me keep trying to save it. It's very hard to let go.

[Niels Bohr 72]

Caladan,

She agreed and also think it's a good idea. I didn't force anything. She didn't object hence it's only if you use it the wrong way with the cell phone. Remember now, that a nuclear weapon is only as safe as the user. You are an educated person. I don't think I should lecture you.

If she object to it, I wouldn't even bother with the cellphone. She says it's good because I know if I'm lost, I don't know English.

Edited April 23, 2007 by consolemaster

[ivona 0]

Mairzy honey, you really don't get it... this situation is now beyond you writing long posts in this thread about how badly he's treating you. We get it, we understand, we sympathize...

What most people here are saying is this:

YOU started the process for the visa, YOU are the petitioner and it is on YOUR signature as USC that the US Government is acting on when even considering a visa for this guy....

You have stated here how you no longer wish to marry this person, and since the visa you are petitioning for is a fiance/ marry within 90 days visa IF you do not inform the authorities about YOUR change of heart YOU are commiting immigration fraud...

You cannot dump this on someone elses back, especially not the US Government....you need to withdraw the petition now, as it is now a LIE- based on everything you said in this thread alone...

sorry, there is only so long that I can pat someone on the back with the "poor you" speech, if that person isn't willing to take the responsibility and change the situation

[one...two...tree 2,762]

So like someone said, we're both toxic and that's that. We each have to deal with our own stuff before thinking of being together. That's the cold hard truth of it. Not that I don't care for him. It's my caring for him that makes me keep trying to save it. It's very hard to let go.

Keep that self honesty with you and you'll make it through this.

[Alex+R 0]

So like someone said, we're both toxic and that's that. We each have to deal with our own stuff before thinking of being together. That's the cold hard truth of it. Not that I don't care for him. It's my caring for him that makes me keep trying to save it. It's very hard to let go.

Keep that self honesty with you and you'll make it through this.

Not to talk about her like she's not there, but honestly I think the self honesty is helping her justify her own actions. "I know why I can't let go, so it's ok not to let go." Doesn't seem to be helping her. She's poured self honesty all over this thread and she still hasn't even protected the person kind enough to offer cosponsorship by withdrawing her petition from London. Sheesh.

[MairzyDoats 0]

Mairzy honey, you really don't get it... this situation is now beyond you writing long posts in this thread about how badly he's treating you. We get it, we understand, we sympathize...

What most people here are saying is this:

YOU started the process for the visa, YOU are the petitioner and it is on YOUR signature as USC that the US Government is acting on when even considering a visa for this guy....

You have stated here how you no longer wish to marry this person, and since the visa you are petitioning for is a fiance/ marry within 90 days visa IF you do not inform the authorities about YOUR change of heart YOU are commiting immigration fraud...

You cannot dump this on someone elses back, especially not the US Government....you need to withdraw the petition now, as it is now a LIE- based on everything you said in this thread alone...

sorry, there is only so long that I can pat someone on the back with the "poor you" speech, if that person isn't willing to take the responsibility and change the situation

The problem is that I don't want to let him go because I still love him. I want to be able to marry him. I want to marry that nice guy I know, the kind guy who sent me letters and treated me well and loved me back. I am trying to get that guy back. Don't you see that it is horrible to think that you can't have that when you have put so much into it, all of your heart? I keep hoping he will be that person again. I keep hoping it can be saved. I don't think I am defrauding anyone but myself at this point. My heart still wants him. I want to marry him but I am AFRAID he will abuse me, and I'll end up a punching bag. And all I can think of is what if I am wrong? What if he's the one who is ok and I'm the nutjob? Y'all have said as much about me here, anyway. Just makes me wonder if it isn't ME who is the problem and his behavior is warranted.

Am I an idiot or do I have battered woman syndrome?

[Fandango 1,440]

So like someone said, we're both toxic and that's that. We each have to deal with our own stuff before thinking of being together. That's the cold hard truth of it. Not that I don't care for him. It's my caring for him that makes me keep trying to save it. It's very hard to let go.

Keep that self honesty with you and you'll make it through this.

Not to talk about her like she's not there, but honestly I think the self honesty is helping her justify her own actions. "I know why I can't let go, so it's ok not to let go." Doesn't seem to be helping her. She's poured self honesty all over this thread and she still hasn't even protected the person kind enough to offer cosponsorship by withdrawing her petition from London. Sheesh.

Johnny, tell Alex what she's won!

The problem is that I don't want to let him go because I still love him. I want to be able to marry him. I want to marry that nice guy I know, the kind guy who sent me letters and treated me well and loved me back. I am trying to get that guy back. Don't you see that it is horrible to think that you can't have that when you have put so much into it, all of your heart? I keep hoping he will be that person again. I keep hoping it can be saved. I don't think I am defrauding anyone but myself at this point. My heart still wants him. I want to marry him but I am AFRAID he will abuse me, and I'll end up a punching bag. And all I can think of is what if I am wrong? What if he's the one who is ok and I'm the nutjob? Y'all have said as much about me here, anyway. Just makes me wonder if it isn't ME who is the problem and his behavior is warranted.

Am I an idiot or do I have battered woman syndrome?

You called him a sociopath for fock's sake.

[RaspberrySwirl 20]

Mairzy honey, you really don't get it... this situation is now beyond you writing long posts in this thread about how badly he's treating you. We get it, we understand, we sympathize...

What most people here are saying is this:

YOU started the process for the visa, YOU are the petitioner and it is on YOUR signature as USC that the US Government is acting on when even considering a visa for this guy....

You have stated here how you no longer wish to marry this person, and since the visa you are petitioning for is a fiance/ marry within 90 days visa IF you do not inform the authorities about YOUR change of heart YOU are commiting immigration fraud...

You cannot dump this on someone elses back, especially not the US Government....you need to withdraw the petition now, as it is now a LIE- based on everything you said in this thread alone...

sorry, there is only so long that I can pat someone on the back with the "poor you" speech, if that person isn't willing to take the responsibility and change the situation

The problem is that I don't want to let him go because I still love him. I want to be able to marry him. I want to marry that nice guy I know, the kind guy who sent me letters and treated me well and loved me back. I am trying to get that guy back. Don't you see that it is horrible to think that you can't have that when you have put so much into it, all of your heart? I keep hoping he will be that person again. I keep hoping it can be saved. I don't think I am defrauding anyone but myself at this point. My heart still wants him. I want to marry him but I am AFRAID he will abuse me, and I'll end up a punching bag. And all I can think of is what if I am wrong? What if he's the one who is ok and I'm the nutjob? Y'all have said as much about me here, anyway. Just makes me wonder if it isn't ME who is the problem and his behavior is warranted.

Am I an idiot or do I have battered woman syndrome?

Yes².

[MairzyDoats 0]

she still hasn't even protected the person kind enough to offer cosponsorship by withdrawing her petition from London. Sheesh.

They just told me this today. London is 6 hours ahead of me and I wanted to tell him first when he got home so he wouldn't send in the stuff.

[Fandango 1,440]

she still hasn't even protected the person kind enough to offer cosponsorship by withdrawing her petition from London. Sheesh.

They just told me this today. London is 6 hours ahead of me and I wanted to tell him first when he got home so he wouldn't send in the stuff.

At the point you uttered the words 'I don't want to get married'...you had a duty to revoke the cosponsor AT THE VERY LEAST!

Edited April 24, 2007 by LisaD

[chicken-rooster 0]

So like someone said, we're both toxic and that's that. We each have to deal with our own stuff before thinking of being together. That's the cold hard truth of it. Not that I don't care for him. It's my caring for him that makes me keep trying to save it. It's very hard to let go.

Keep that self honesty with you and you'll make it through this.

Not to talk about her like she's not there, but honestly I think the self honesty is helping her justify her own actions. "I know why I can't let go, so it's ok not to let go." Doesn't seem to be helping her. She's poured self honesty all over this thread and she still hasn't even protected the person kind enough to offer cosponsorship by withdrawing her petition from London. Sheesh.

Johnny, tell Alex what she's won!

The problem is that I don't want to let him go because I still love him. I want to be able to marry him. I want to marry that nice guy I know, the kind guy who sent me letters and treated me well and loved me back. I am trying to get that guy back. Don't you see that it is horrible to think that you can't have that when you have put so much into it, all of your heart? I keep hoping he will be that person again. I keep hoping it can be saved. I don't think I am defrauding anyone but myself at this point. My heart still wants him. I want to marry him but I am AFRAID he will abuse me, and I'll end up a punching bag. And all I can think of is what if I am wrong? What if he's the one who is ok and I'm the nutjob? Y'all have said as much about me here, anyway. Just makes me wonder if it isn't ME who is the problem and his behavior is warranted.

Am I an idiot or do I have battered woman syndrome?

You called him a sociopath for fock's sake.

[Peikko 1,575]

You have already said that you have lost your co sponser. You can't continue with the petition as it stands. It doesn't make sense to continue with the petition with all this uncertainty regarding the relationship.

If there is any chance that your relationship can/should be saved then you can re-apply at a later date without there being any repercussions from cancelling it at this time. Ultimately though, you will do what you want. I trust whatever you do decide, you arrive at contentment and happiness.

[tmma 467]

she still hasn't even protected the person kind enough to offer cosponsorship by withdrawing her petition from London. Sheesh.

They just told me this today. London is 6 hours ahead of me and I wanted to tell him first when he got home so he wouldn't send in the stuff.

When he got home?

From where? The interview?

It is my belief that the sponsorship paperwork is turned in at the interview and not " sent in"..

Ours was, anyway.

Be fair to everyone concerned ( including yourself).

Either go ahead with this guy's fiance petition, get him here, follow through with your sworn statement and marry...Or cancel it, tell him, the DOS ,release your co-sponsors and move on.

[Alex+R 0]

PS Mairzy, almost all abusers are really nice at first (even for years! while the courtship is going on). He wasn't a nice guy who turned into an abuser; he was an abuser the whole time following a typical abuser behavior. Hard to believe, but true. Yes you love him, no there aren't two sides to this story. For the love of God, stop asking us if you're making a mistake, if it's your fault, whatever. The answer is no. The only thing that's your fault is dithering around with this petition and giving him the power to tell you when to withdraw it or not. Shame.