Possible Breakup

[together2love 0]

Yes, I think that when he says that the visa is his "number one priority" - that should not be his answer to ANYTHING. It should be that YOU are his #1 priority! Honestly, if he is fine with not communicating with you for days on end then he should be able to accept the lack of communication forever. He is not worth your time. He doesn't respect who you are, and I know that there are other guys out there that kindly would. Email or contact the consulate before the interview to withdraw the application. Mail a written letter to USCIS. You, thankfully already know your answer to your situation, it is the sad reality, but at least you realize this before you are married and can't deal with this once you file for AOS. Good luck to everything you do from now! Stay strong and keep in mind the red flags.

[*JG* 2]

If he's doing this now, 5,000 miles away, what will he do to you when you live together? Will you be able to stand the long periods of silence in your own house?

You see it............you need to walk away from this one.

[Raspect 0]

I AGREE

COMPLETELY AND MORE!!!

HE SOUNDS LIKE A HUGE HUGE #######

IT IS A HARD THING THIS WAIT

AND I HAVE A SHORT TEMPER, I ACCREDIT TO A INJURY TO MY HEAD 2 YEARS AGO,

SO I HAVE ARGUED, GOT REALLY MAD, YELLED, BEEN A COMPLETE ####### TOO ON THE INTERNET OUT OF FRUSTRATION

BUT ALWAYS WANTED TO TALK THE NEXT SECOND, MINUTE, OR DAY

AND ALWAYS SAID I LOVE YOU WHEN I GOT OFF THE INTERNET

IF I WAS TALKING TO ANYONE, I ALWAYS STOPPED JUST TO TALK TO HER.

OF COURSE SOMETIMES IT GETS BORING AS THERE IS NOT SO MUCH TO SAY TALKING ON CHAT EVERYDAY FOR 2 OR 3 OR 4 HOURS

JUST GETS BORING, BUT THAT DOESNT MATTER

SHE IS THE MOST IMPORTANT TO ME

HE IS A COMPLETE ###### #######, AND IDIOT

BUT HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT IS BEST FOR YOU AND I SO LISTEN TO YOURSELF AND NONE OF MY ADVICE.

I WISH YOU THE BEST OF LUCK

I KNOW I WOULD NEVER DO THAT TO MY LOVE, THAT IS FOR SURE!!!!

AND THOSE ####### ARE AS*HOLE

BY THE WAY

[Jeff and Boo 0]

I sent a break up email to my fiance a few days ago. You may think doing it in email is very cold, but in my case it has to do with my fiance continually ignoring me. As someone said above, "we women HATE being ignored." He has a habit of also hanging up on me on the phone, hanging up on me on MSN while I'm talking (not even fighting, just talking. He gets bored and turns it off.) He stopped sending me text messages, I'd asked him a week or so ago to send photos and things again like he used to because I missed seeing him and he said, "No, I won't do that." I have continually asked him to hear me, and he has refused to understand how this has been affecting me. I have cried many bitter tears over him, never letting myself actually get MAD at him or treat him in kind because I was so afraid he might leave me. I finally got to the point where I sent him an eCard on Easter Sunday, got the notice that he's seen it, and never heard from him. The next day he went on MSN, then Yahoo for a while, and never once even said hello to me.

You have to admit there's something wrong with continually ignoring your fiancee, especially when there's 5000 miles in between. He even told me on more than one occasion that he would be perfectly happy not seeing me or hearing from me til we got the visa (at that point about 3 months away.) WHAT?!

When you have a fiance who keeps saying they LOVE you but they find it difficult to stay in touch with you, it may warrant a break up email. And I took that route because I know how angry and defensive he gets, how he tries to always talk over me and interrupt me, and I needed to have my say.

He called all upset saying he didn't understand (he apparently never listened to me when I asked for his attention), that he loved me and would "do anything" for me, that I'm the best thing that's ever happened to him. We're still talking, but in the first phone conversation I laid it all on the line. And of course by the end of the conversation he was "it's not ALL ME, all MY fault." Still not hearing me.

The day before yesterday we spoke again and he said I was just attacking him, and that he has "suffered more than you ever have in your whole life" and went on about how he cared for his dying mother for years. He yelled at me and cussed.

That is the way someone treats you who WANTS to you stay with them?

Not to mention a few other choice tidbits I can't get over:

I'm Catholic, and when we met he said he was Christian and open to becoming Catholic (I never demanded him to be Catholic.) I told him that I was not allowed to marry an unbaptized person, and he said he was not baptized and so looked into the classes at a local church to become baptized. Classes run September to Easter. About halfway through these classes, he stopped going. He missed 3 or 4 until they told him he could not move on. He didn't even sit down with the priest and discuss his situation. He just took what they said and left, disgruntled. Then he came and demanded to know whether I'd be marrying him WITHOUT the baptism. I thought that was answered at the start, did I miss something? This shows that he didn't really WANT to be baptized. And I'd told him how important it was. He said, "The visa is my number one priority, the baptism can wait." He decided this all by himself and informed me of it, and that was that.

He has accused me of wanting to marry him "just to be married" and he has accused me of "using him" to "have kids." Apparently he has never heard of artificial insemination or adoption, or even just being sexually careless. I'm sure I could have had kids many times over if that were the case. I even had a guy who liked me enough 2 years ago to start talking about marriage being a possibility (but we're not the same religion at all, so that relationship wasn't pursued that way.) It's not like I was desperate and in need of just ANYONE. if that were the case why would I want someone in the UK? I am sure I could have someone a lot closer!

When I wanted him to call or chat with me, he said I was unrealistic to expect him to be online to chat with me every day. He said I am "feeble", "needy", "clingy", "trying to control him", "like his mother," "irrational." He said I have "no backbone." And then he says he loves me. ???

I have never figured out why wanting to hear from someone you love is considered trying to CONTROL him or being needy. We don't even talk every day. And he said what is the longest we've gone without contact and I said about 6 days. And he said, "and that's a crime?" and I said, "Yes." I explained that with friends there are no such expectations, that they come and go and you don't get on them over it. But if a fiance disappears without a word, or worse, comes online so you can see them and they don't talk to you, that's different. He said, "Oh so your friends are off the hook but not me?"

He doesn't get it. I figured when you are crazy about someone, you want to talk to them. Even if it's just to say hello, how are you, or send a text, "thinking of you." So we contact each other every few days now and everything else pretty much stopped. He always told me how he HATES to be online (funny, we met online and he bought a laptop just to talk to me more!). then he said, "I like going online, just not talking to YOU."

feel the love.

I am still open to talking to him, but there are so many factors involved. I keep trying to forgive and get past it all but I don't know if in this case I should be forgiving it. This is a lifetime commitment, after all. I don't see how these things can be overlooked. I just need someone different. I told him, we are so different. We want different things. And he said we could still be together and want different things.

So I don't know anymore. He has me second guessing myself all the time. But I am finally at my breaking point. So cold or not, I had to send that email, and it was not easy.

We have only known each other for a year and spent just 5 weeks together in person (where we did have arguments, though not as constant as online.)

The interview date is April 23. He wants to go, anyway.

Im sorry to hear that sis.. but as far as i can see he is so frigid, numb and cold to you, This is a matter of lifetime commitment if he will be like that in your relationship, your life will be miserable you deserves better than him.

Boo

[GabachaYucateca 0]

Of course, the first thing I thought when I read this was "What a dickhead." And that he sounds about 12 years old. Mentally. Upon rereading, I saw just how damn manipulative he seems. First, no one should be with someone who consistently makes nasty comments to you. But how much more manipulative can a person be? Withholding affection, being cold, and unresponsive and then telling you that it's your fault for being needy. Well, if I were engaged to someone like that, I bet I'd turn super needy too. It sounds like you only come across as needy because he's driving you to it.

The part of this process that comes after the fiance is here sounds so incredibly stressful (EAD, AOS, SS#, adjustment period, culture shock, boredome, money woes) that it would test even the most solid relationships. I can't imagine dealing with all of that with someone that I don't know very well. I know that homeboy and I will struggle through this period, but he's like my other half and I know most everything about him and vice versa, so we won't be negotiating living together for the first time on top of that. It truly seems that you are settting yourself up for failure and heartbreak with this one.

[CarlaM 0]

Please dnt get married, please dnt do it. You dnt deserve that #######, you could get married with whoever you want. He just sounds like someone manipulative and cold hearted. I know sometimes It is hard to take the first step, but you already did it COGRATULATIONS!!! You did what tons of women cant, you said IT IS ENOUGH!!! Probably you will get thoughts like: ohhh he is not that bad, we had fun togheter, he used to call me princess, i know he has good feelings, probably he is just confused. Dont let him walk on you. The problems you are going through right now are the problems you will have in one, two or ten years but worst!!. If he acused you of getting married just to be married, you could say he just wants to get married to get a visa. I mean if he said he could be perfectly happy without you while waiting 4 a visa, that means he only cares about that. And if getting married just to get married would be your case, who cares!! I am sure there are tons of guys who would love to get married just to get married and nicer than him.

Best wishes

P.S. sorry about my english, i hope you have got the main idea.

[Queen Jenn 0]

If he's doing this now, 5,000 miles away, what will he do to you when you live together? Will you be able to stand the long periods of silence in your own house?

You see it............you need to walk away from this one.

I completely agree!!!! If he treats you this way now, what will it be like when he is here? Generally, things don't improve after you are married. People stay the same and you learn to work with each others faults.

There are many red flags here:

1. YOU should be the #1 priority. The distance should be difficult for him and he should be thinking "we don't get enough time together."

2. If baptism is important to you, then it should be important to him. DON'T compromise YOUR standards. If he can't make the effort to be baptized, he doesn't deserve you.

3. I can't believe he is cussing at you and saying nasty things. That's emotional abuse (which can escalate to physical abuse).

GIVE THIS JERK THE BOOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[CarlaM 0]

Please dnt get married, please dnt do it. You dnt deserve that #######, you could get married with whoever you want. He just sounds like someone manipulative and cold hearted. I know sometimes It is hard to take the first step, but you already did it COGRATULATIONS!!! You did what tons of women cant, you said IT IS ENOUGH!!! Probably you will get thoughts like: ohhh he is not that bad, we had fun togheter, he used to call me princess, i know he has good feelings, probably he is just confused. Dont let him walk on you. The problems you are going through right now are the problems you will have in one, two or ten years but worst!!. If he acused you of getting married just to be married, you could say he just wants to get married to get a visa. I mean if he said he could be perfectly happy without you while waiting 4 a visa, that means he only cares about that. And if getting married just to get married would be your case, who cares!! I am sure there are tons of guys who would love to get married just to get married and nicer than him.

Best wishes

P.S. sorry about my english, i hope you have got the main idea.

[JODO 2]

Of course, the first thing I thought when I read this was "What a dickhead." And that he sounds about 12 years old. Mentally. Upon rereading, I saw just how damn manipulative he seems. First, no one should be with someone who consistently makes nasty comments to you. But how much more manipulative can a person be? Withholding affection, being cold, and unresponsive and then telling you that it's your fault for being needy. Well, if I were engaged to someone like that, I bet I'd turn super needy too. It sounds like you only come across as needy because he's driving you to it.

The part of this process that comes after the fiance is here sounds so incredibly stressful (EAD, AOS, SS#, adjustment period, culture shock, boredome, money woes) that it would test even the most solid relationships. I can't imagine dealing with all of that with someone that I don't know very well. I know that homeboy and I will struggle through this period, but he's like my other half and I know most everything about him and vice versa, so we won't be negotiating living together for the first time on top of that. It truly seems that you are settting yourself up for failure and heartbreak with this one.

Great advice

[athena_ny 1]

Oh boy, I feel your rage, he has behaved like a d**k and you have done the right thing.

Im sure all most of us here will tell you of the frustration of being apart..and the dependence on emails ,PM's , phone calls to the point of obsession But thats what gets you through this process and missing each other. And your guy cant be bothered??????

Im sorry but it reads to me that he's not really into you but really into getting to the states. I really don't think 5 weeks in person is long enough to decide on a life and a marriage together.

personally Id send him packing, but good luck whatever you decide

I disagree. You can't make unequivocal judgments about the amount of time people spend together. Much depends on maturity level, life experiences, etc... In ths case, it does seem that 5 weeks was not enough. But I met my David in person, not over the Internet, and he knew immediately that I was the one for him. It took me a little longer to come around (details in "My Story"), but all totaled, we spent a total of 15 days together over the course over 7 months when he proposed and I accepted. He's the best thing (besides my kids) that ever happened to me.

Jen

I spent a total of 13 days with my now husband before I decided to move to where he is and eventually marry him.

Best thing I ever did.

[TimsDaisy 0]

Possible breakup?

Oh honey . . . . come one. You know what to do. Waiting to do it won't make it hurt any less. Neither will waiting for him to do it help you get over it.

And, as I'm sure someone has mentioned already, the K1 visa isn't for test-running a relationship. Time to pull the petition and move on.

[JenT 0]

Oh boy, I feel your rage, he has behaved like a d**k and you have done the right thing.

Im sure all most of us here will tell you of the frustration of being apart..and the dependence on emails ,PM's , phone calls to the point of obsession But thats what gets you through this process and missing each other. And your guy cant be bothered??????

Im sorry but it reads to me that he's not really into you but really into getting to the states. I really don't think 5 weeks in person is long enough to decide on a life and a marriage together.

personally Id send him packing, but good luck whatever you decide

I disagree. You can't make unequivocal judgments about the amount of time people spend together. Much depends on maturity level, life experiences, etc... In ths case, it does seem that 5 weeks was not enough. But I met my David in person, not over the Internet, and he knew immediately that I was the one for him. It took me a little longer to come around (details in "My Story"), but all totaled, we spent a total of 15 days together over the course over 7 months when he proposed and I accepted. He's the best thing (besides my kids) that ever happened to me.

Jen

I spent a total of 13 days with my now husband before I decided to move to where he is and eventually marry him.

Best thing I ever did.

[kaffykat 0]

To coin a well known phrase from one of my favourite movies...........

RUN!! FOREST!! RUN!!

[Ron/Sharon 0]

I am sorry that after going through everything (visa process) you find out your better off alone. Your decision and action are well beyond reproach; your future happiness is at stake and with this person you would have a future but without the happiness you seek and deserve.

FYI, Sharon, and I talk a minimum of 3 times a day and more on weekend for an average of 3600+ minutes per month.

Communication is the one most important building block we have to keep a strong, secure and well balanced loving relationship when together and more so when apart.

Ron

[walls1010 3]

What kind of a man he was???? Or he was thinking he is still a 10 yrs old boy??? Doesn't want to talk to you until he got his visa??? Marriage is a very serious and a lifetime commitment, do you think you can handle that if he keep on treating you like that? C'mon, you know better than that, pray and ask God to lead you to the right man.