Possible Breakup

[cbd2cai 0]

This may be a dumb question, but is there anyone in Texas who is willing to take this girl for a drink or a coffee or something, and reassure her that she is perfectly OK just the way she is - and can do better than this a-hole?

I'd go myself, but I'm not exactly what you'd call local.

That's not a dumb question at all. It's actually quite thoughtful of you and a really good idea.

There's a slew of us down here in Texas . . . depends on her location and I can't tell from her profile. But certainly there is someone located in every major city as I know ppl in Dallas, Houston, Austin, San Antonio . . . anyone else??? Want to do an intervention anyone or just provide some much needed support??? But only is she wants to do it . . . remember!

[Fandango 1,439]

Mairzy, I honestly and very sincerely that at this point, you should request this topic be locked. It's only going to get ugly from here on in and I think you need to speak to a professional.

[KarenCee 3]

Mairzy, I honestly and very sincerely that at this point, you should request this topic be locked. It's only going to get ugly from here on in and I think you need to speak to a professional.

I agree Lisa. We're already at post #258 (including this one) and I can't see that anything definate has been resolved, decided on, or otherwise settled. IMHO enough is enough.

Edited April 17, 2007 by KarenCee

[Lizzy 0]

Lisa.. I agree.. I aint even going to give advice and it has already been said.. Its just going around and around in circles.

[Ban Hammer 13,352]

flush............letting it ferment will make things worse.

[KarenCee 3]

flush............letting it ferment will make things worse.

ROFLMAO! What a visual!

[Caladan 19]

I never look for any relationship until I meet mature people. I do not simply socialize for nothing. I never had that problem. My head have always been straight forward. I know better than to date someone who's lost in life. Now I'm happily married.

My criteria before I was married:

1. The woman must be patient, smart, and can persevere long hard ships.

2. She must not complain about little things, such as, where were you last night or why did you pick up the phone. I require 100% trust.

3. She must be able to communicate everything to me.

Those are what I look for. If I don't find it, then I don't. Hence, I never suffer from dramatic ends. I know I'm loyal to my beloved. I don't play tricks. When I work, I work. Yes, I'm very discipline. I think it was the way I was raised.

You require 100% trust, but want to give her a cell phone to track her whereabouts and she should treat you like the King of Thailand. Okayyy...

[MairzyDoats 0]

My criteria before I was married:

1. The woman must be patient, smart, and can persevere long hard ships.

2. She must not complain about little things, such as, where were you last night or why did you pick up the phone. I require 100% trust.

3. She must be able to communicate everything to me.

Number 1 brought me images of Little House on the Prairie. Sounds like you're going to give her a life of hardship so she better be able to endure.

[JayJay 4]

long hard ships.

Either that or he's planning a life on Noah's Ark.

*chuckes, then runs away*

Ok ok I give. I just had to write that. I will go drink tea like a good little English girl now

[Minya's wife 25]

I never look for any relationship until I meet mature people. I do not simply socialize for nothing. I never had that problem. My head have always been straight forward. I know better than to date someone who's lost in life. Now I'm happily married.

My criteria before I was married:

1. The woman must be patient, smart, and can persevere long hard ships.

2. She must not complain about little things, such as, where were you last night or why did you pick up the phone. I require 100% trust.

3. She must be able to communicate everything to me.

Those are what I look for. If I don't find it, then I don't. Hence, I never suffer from dramatic ends. I know I'm loyal to my beloved. I don't play tricks. When I work, I work. Yes, I'm very discipline. I think it was the way I was raised.

You require 100% trust, but want to give her a cell phone to track her whereabouts and she should treat you like the King of Thailand. Okayyy...

Actually for him, it would be King of Cambodia....oh, but wait that title is already taken by Norodom Sihamoni.

I just love Wikipedia!

-P

[U.S. Wendy 0]

Mairzy Doats, wow, this is awful. I feel your pain, sometimes my fiance does the same thing....going many days without contact and either never showing up on line when he's supposed to or being late...like I want to sit around all Saturday and Sunday and just wait for him. I suppose they assume we will just be here, waiting while they run off and do whatever they want. Granted, my fiance has to go to the internet cafe, but he's not working regularly right now, so that should NOT be a problem for him. I've decided to turn MSN off altogether, make him wonder. He'll leave messages when he wants to talk. If he logs on and I am routinely unavailable, that male testosterone will start him thinking.....I better get my act together...she's not sitting around waiting for me, you know?

We just got a 221g, I suspect for, among other things, not enough proof that we communicate and have a valid relationship. So, I'm headed over there in a couple of weeks and this communication issue will be #1 topic of discussion.

I hate to stereotype, but it's a man thing.....not all men do this, but I hear my GF's complain about lack of communication with their husbands and boyfriends all the time. Our situations are unique however and the pursuit of this relationship (with a foreigner) is time consuming, costly, mentally and emotionally draining so I don't think it's too much to expect that they be there when they say they will....and as often as you can both mutually agree.

If he doesn't feel like talking to you now, do you suppose that will change when he gets here?

I don't know what to tell you.

When you love someone you can put up with an incredible amount of **it!!

Let us know what you decide to do. Good luck!!

I sent a break up email to my fiance a few days ago. You may think doing it in email is very cold, but in my case it has to do with my fiance continually ignoring me. As someone said above, "we women HATE being ignored." He has a habit of also hanging up on me on the phone, hanging up on me on MSN while I'm talking (not even fighting, just talking. He gets bored and turns it off.) He stopped sending me text messages, I'd asked him a week or so ago to send photos and things again like he used to because I missed seeing him and he said, "No, I won't do that." I have continually asked him to hear me, and he has refused to understand how this has been affecting me. I have cried many bitter tears over him, never letting myself actually get MAD at him or treat him in kind because I was so afraid he might leave me. I finally got to the point where I sent him an eCard on Easter Sunday, got the notice that he's seen it, and never heard from him. The next day he went on MSN, then Yahoo for a while, and never once even said hello to me.

You have to admit there's something wrong with continually ignoring your fiancee, especially when there's 5000 miles in between. He even told me on more than one occasion that he would be perfectly happy not seeing me or hearing from me til we got the visa (at that point about 3 months away.) WHAT?!

When you have a fiance who keeps saying they LOVE you but they find it difficult to stay in touch with you, it may warrant a break up email. And I took that route because I know how angry and defensive he gets, how he tries to always talk over me and interrupt me, and I needed to have my say.

He called all upset saying he didn't understand (he apparently never listened to me when I asked for his attention), that he loved me and would "do anything" for me, that I'm the best thing that's ever happened to him. We're still talking, but in the first phone conversation I laid it all on the line. And of course by the end of the conversation he was "it's not ALL ME, all MY fault." Still not hearing me.

The day before yesterday we spoke again and he said I was just attacking him, and that he has "suffered more than you ever have in your whole life" and went on about how he cared for his dying mother for years. He yelled at me and cussed.

That is the way someone treats you who WANTS to you stay with them?

Not to mention a few other choice tidbits I can't get over:

I'm Catholic, and when we met he said he was Christian and open to becoming Catholic (I never demanded him to be Catholic.) I told him that I was not allowed to marry an unbaptized person, and he said he was not baptized and so looked into the classes at a local church to become baptized. Classes run September to Easter. About halfway through these classes, he stopped going. He missed 3 or 4 until they told him he could not move on. He didn't even sit down with the priest and discuss his situation. He just took what they said and left, disgruntled. Then he came and demanded to know whether I'd be marrying him WITHOUT the baptism. I thought that was answered at the start, did I miss something? This shows that he didn't really WANT to be baptized. And I'd told him how important it was. He said, "The visa is my number one priority, the baptism can wait." He decided this all by himself and informed me of it, and that was that.

He has accused me of wanting to marry him "just to be married" and he has accused me of "using him" to "have kids." Apparently he has never heard of artificial insemination or adoption, or even just being sexually careless. I'm sure I could have had kids many times over if that were the case. I even had a guy who liked me enough 2 years ago to start talking about marriage being a possibility (but we're not the same religion at all, so that relationship wasn't pursued that way.) It's not like I was desperate and in need of just ANYONE. if that were the case why would I want someone in the UK? I am sure I could have someone a lot closer!

When I wanted him to call or chat with me, he said I was unrealistic to expect him to be online to chat with me every day. He said I am "feeble", "needy", "clingy", "trying to control him", "like his mother," "irrational." He said I have "no backbone." And then he says he loves me. ???

I have never figured out why wanting to hear from someone you love is considered trying to CONTROL him or being needy. We don't even talk every day. And he said what is the longest we've gone without contact and I said about 6 days. And he said, "and that's a crime?" and I said, "Yes." I explained that with friends there are no such expectations, that they come and go and you don't get on them over it. But if a fiance disappears without a word, or worse, comes online so you can see them and they don't talk to you, that's different. He said, "Oh so your friends are off the hook but not me?"

He doesn't get it. I figured when you are crazy about someone, you want to talk to them. Even if it's just to say hello, how are you, or send a text, "thinking of you." So we contact each other every few days now and everything else pretty much stopped. He always told me how he HATES to be online (funny, we met online and he bought a laptop just to talk to me more!). then he said, "I like going online, just not talking to YOU."

feel the love.

I am still open to talking to him, but there are so many factors involved. I keep trying to forgive and get past it all but I don't know if in this case I should be forgiving it. This is a lifetime commitment, after all. I don't see how these things can be overlooked. I just need someone different. I told him, we are so different. We want different things. And he said we could still be together and want different things.

So I don't know anymore. He has me second guessing myself all the time. But I am finally at my breaking point. So cold or not, I had to send that email, and it was not easy.

We have only known each other for a year and spent just 5 weeks together in person (where we did have arguments, though not as constant as online.)

The interview date is April 23. He wants to go, anyway.

[RioDeugene 0]

That ryts guys.... its really hard guessing his kind of reaction towards you after all this time you did to him... hmmm alot of disfunctional people***

[Ban Hammer 13,352]

flush............letting it ferment will make things worse.

ROFLMAO! What a visual!

oh yeah i forgot to include that........sorry.

[Fandango 1,439]

Mairzy Doats, wow, this is awful. I feel your pain, sometimes my fiance does the same thing....going many days without contact and either never showing up on line when he's supposed to or being late...like I want to sit around all Saturday and Sunday and just wait for him. I suppose they assume we will just be here, waiting while they run off and do whatever they want. Granted, my fiance has to go to the internet cafe, but he's not working regularly right now, so that should NOT be a problem for him. I've decided to turn MSN off altogether, make him wonder. He'll leave messages when he wants to talk. If he logs on and I am routinely unavailable, that male testosterone will start him thinking.....I better get my act together...she's not sitting around waiting for me, you know?

We just got a 221g, I suspect for, among other things, not enough proof that we communicate and have a valid relationship. So, I'm headed over there in a couple of weeks and this communication issue will be #1 topic of discussion.

I hate to stereotype, but it's a man thing.....not all men do this, but I hear my GF's complain about lack of communication with their husbands and boyfriends all the time. Our situations are unique however and the pursuit of this relationship (with a foreigner) is time consuming, costly, mentally and emotionally draining so I don't think it's too much to expect that they be there when they say they will....and as often as you can both mutually agree.

If he doesn't feel like talking to you now, do you suppose that will change when he gets here?

I don't know what to tell you.

When you love someone you can put up with an incredible amount of **it!!

Let us know what you decide to do. Good luck!!

omG no.

[new orleans bound 0]

This may be a dumb question, but is there anyone in Texas who is willing to take this girl for a drink or a coffee or something, and reassure her that she is perfectly OK just the way she is - and can do better than this a-hole?

I'd go myself, but I'm not exactly what you'd call local.

That's not a dumb question at all. It's actually quite thoughtful of you and a really good idea.

There's a slew of us down here in Texas . . . depends on her location and I can't tell from her profile. But certainly there is someone located in every major city as I know ppl in Dallas, Houston, Austin, San Antonio . . . anyone else??? Want to do an intervention anyone or just provide some much needed support??? But only is she wants to do it . . . remember!

Mairzy Doats,

Someone here suggested that if location was within reason they's meet up with you for coffee? Which would be nice, to possibly talk to someone who has experienced the visa process. But where are your own personal friends, the ones who are you friends outseide of Visa Journey. What do they tell you about this relationship? Are they helping you at all.

I'm not sure if you're writing all of this on here to hear someone say to you that it's ok to continue on with this relationship. If you love this chap so much- go visit. You go spend some time with him. Do it before he arrives here. But ONLY you can decided what you want and when you're finally going to get it done. It is hard knowing when to leave a relationship and only you will know when but so many people have offered you advice. I would like to ask you why would you allow this boyfriend/finance of yours to go through the visa process and eventually come here with a visa to only abuse you and than possibly leave you. Why would you do that to yourself. Why put yourself through that kind of pain. You've only spent 5 weeks together. Do a search on this site and find out how many marriages have ended because the people involved did not have enough time to get to know one another. It's very disappointing reading everyone's advice to you because it seems like to read it, process it but can't seem to accept it. a sid enot - remember chicken little-cried that the sky was falling so many times till no one believed him- well that's going to happen to you. You're a grown woman and your own happiness is dependant on you and no-one else but you. If you're not happy than it doesn't matter what the other person might do and say- you're still not going to be happy and vice versa. Think about it.