Possible Breakup

[bostonparis 0]

I don't know. There are times I wish people had downright yelled at me and told me to get it together, DTMFA.

eta: And I'm pretty well adjusted, but not exactly issue-free.

Ditto!

[kitkat1 5]

people make it sound so easy to just leave the person you are in love with.... if you were in the same situation I don't think it would be easy for you to just end it....

I agree...I don't see how she could suddenly cut off all communication with someone she feels/felt in love with. Ending the relationship, sure, but pretending he doesn't exist? Not easy.

Talking so harshly to someone with low self esteem really isn't going to help

I agree. If she doesn't listen when it's said nicely, I doubt she'll listen just because it's said harshly.

All people can do is give advice and experiences and let her decide, not keep trying and trying to force her to listen to you. She is getting bullied by her fiance when she tries to talk about it, she should not be bullied into anything here too. Give advice and let her decide whether she follows it. Of course we all pretty much think she should end the relationship, and she knows that by now from reading this thread. Saying it to her more rudely and aggressively isn't going to help.

People act as if they know this girl and guy personally, we don't know either of them or both sides of the story. How do we know she hasn't listened to ANY of the kind words of advice? I'm sure she is thinking a lot because of this thread. People can't always immediately do something, they have to think about it. So people should just calm down and let her decide.

It is incredibly obvious that she cannot see straight. It doesn't matter if we know them, it's obvious from the stories she has posted and the questions she has asked. If it were me, I'd welcome a slap in the face/wake-up call now, rather than continued sadness, manipulation and confusion down the road.

[one...two...tree 2,762]

(clipped)On a side note - your spouse does not have to be baptized Catholic for you two to be married in the Church. My grandfather was not Catholic and my grandparents lived a long and happy marriage (he was Protestant, my grandmother was Catholic). Perhaps in this case he felt pressured into doing something that a person should really be freely doing for themselves and not for another?

I think it depends on the church. My wife and I were not permitted to marry in the Catholic church in her hometown because I was not baptized Catholic. I was baptized but as a Lutheran. I don't practice any religion and given examples like this it's no wonder why.

I don't know why you were told that. My father is an ordained Deacon for over 30 years and has married countless couples in the Catholic Church, many of whom were mixed couples - Catholic with a non-Catholic. He says there's a lot of misinformation, but the dispensation is automatically granted to ANY couple who wishes to marry in the Church provided that one of them is Catholic.

[Peikko 1,575]

Consolemaster, it must be so nice to be you, always right and always in control of your situation.

For the OP, you are not a bad person for having trouble deciding what is the right thing to do. You fell in love with a person, who has good qualities as well as bad. Of course it is going to be hard for you to make the choice to break up (if that is the path you choose). However, if this is a manipulative personality that you are dealing with, you do have to make some hard choices and whatever you choose to do it will be tough on you.

What is probably clear is that this is not the right time to continue with the K1 until or unless you can work through you present difficulties. I agree with those that have said that the hard road is to continue with this relationship because it will only reap rewards 'if' your SO can come to terms with his problems, address them and overcome them. If not, this is the behaviour he will continue to exhibit under times of stress and it could get worse and degenerate into physical abuse (unfortunately)

No, this is not an easy thing and it would probably be a good idea to get some relationship couselling offline.

I wish you the very best with whatever you decide to do

[isleta521 5]

people make it sound so easy to just leave the person you are in love with.... if you were in the same situation I don't think it would be easy for you to just end it....

I agree...I don't see how she could suddenly cut off all communication with someone she feels/felt in love with. Ending the relationship, sure, but pretending he doesn't exist? Not easy.

Talking so harshly to someone with low self esteem really isn't going to help

I agree. If she doesn't listen when it's said nicely, I doubt she'll listen just because it's said harshly.

All people can do is give advice and experiences and let her decide, not keep trying and trying to force her to listen to you. She is getting bullied by her fiance when she tries to talk about it, she should not be bullied into anything here too. Give advice and let her decide whether she follows it. Of course we all pretty much think she should end the relationship, and she knows that by now from reading this thread. Saying it to her more rudely and aggressively isn't going to help.

People act as if they know this girl and guy personally, we don't know either of them or both sides of the story. How do we know she hasn't listened to ANY of the kind words of advice? I'm sure she is thinking a lot because of this thread. People can't always immediately do something, they have to think about it. So people should just calm down and let her decide.

It is incredibly obvious that she cannot see straight. It doesn't matter if we know them, it's obvious from the stories she has posted and the questions she has asked. If it were me, I'd welcome a slap in the face/wake-up call now, rather than continued sadness, manipulation and confusion down the road.

KitKat, if you ever need a slap in the face just let us know. Were here for you J/k

But seriously, you are right, sometimes reality bites and you dont want to face the cold hard truth.

[kitkat1 5]

It is incredibly obvious that she cannot see straight. It doesn't matter if we know them, it's obvious from the stories she has posted and the questions she has asked. If it were me, I'd welcome a slap in the face/wake-up call now, rather than continued sadness, manipulation and confusion down the road.

KitKat, if you ever need a slap in the face just let us know. Were here for you J/k

But seriously, you are right, sometimes reality bites and you dont want to face the cold hard truth.

And as someone else commented, when your loved one calls you a "stupid cow" and a "prune" that right there should be one big clear obvious wake-up call. (can anyone here even imagine their fiance or husband saying that? I doubt it)

[chri'stina 190]

And as someone else commented, when your loved one calls you a "stupid cow" and a "prune" that right there should be one big clear obvious wake-up call. (can anyone here even imagine their fiance or husband saying that? I doubt it)

I don't think anyone is disagreeing with that.

[kitkat1 5]

And as someone else commented, when your loved one calls you a "stupid cow" and a "prune" that right there should be one big clear obvious wake-up call. (can anyone here even imagine their fiance or husband saying that? I doubt it)

I don't think anyone is disagreeing with that.

Except perhaps the OP who doesn't seem to be able to see that as a wake-up call.

[JohnK 0]

Well. I think most of us here have been alive long enough to know what is going to happen here. She's going to let the a-hole come over and do the same thing to her locally. And she's going to stay married to him long enough to have kids, and then stay married to him because of the kids, yadda yadda yadda, blah blah blah.

She needs some serious therapy, but won't get it. And every sympathetic post on here is enabling her and HELPING HER STAY WITH THIS GUY.

We've all seen it before... a friend or relative is dating a jerk and complains about him/her ALL THE TIME but as soon as YOU say anything critical about the jerk your friend/relative STARTS DEFENDING the jerk's behavior. AND since he isn't giving her the emotional support she needs from him, she comes here and gets it from us. I've seen too many other women do this to not recognize it when I see it. When their relationship lacks something they turn to their friends for emotional support, and this helps relieve their pressure valve so they can go back home and deal with the SO. The ONLY solution for this is to STOP giving her emotional support so that she has no way to blow off steam about her SO being as ###. When she is unable to get whatever she is missing from other people, it will bring the issue to the forefront with her SO and boil to the point where she can FINALLY make the right decision and DTMFA.

I feel for the girl. But only she can save herself and she is obviously not willing to do so.

[Mary Lou 681]

My opinion - this OP will not cancel the petition and will allow this little ####### to come over here, and will actually marry him because she feels so worthless that no one else could possibly love her. And will feel that she IS a stupid cow. And then, once he's here and saying the same things in PERSON that he really only means ONLINE (####### is THAT, by the way?), then she'll make excuses about how it's all her fault.

Just typing that makes me want to throw up.

Totally agree!!! He made it clear he wants a GC, and is using you for it. As for him being "different" online then he is in person, when someone loves you and respects you, they dont treat you the way he's treating you. Why you are allowing him to do so is beyond me. My husband and i also had a long distance relationship, we spoke everyday on the phone, 3+ times usually and chatted online and used webcam, NEVER once did either of us treat the other as you are being treated. Stop the pity party and do what you know is right and end things once and for all.

[Fandango 1,439]

Talking so harshly to someone with low self esteem really isn't going to help

She hasn't listened to any of the kind words of advice. I'm not from the sunshine and rainbows brigade - I call a spade a spade and it's sterling clear that the OP needs some help. Maybe she'll listen when it's bluntly said?

Nah, I know what you mean, cos I'm hardly a rainbow and sunshine gang....but I think there's a lot of dynamics in the work here and being overly harsh won't help...especially with someone with esteem issues.

At the end of the day, it's her life and her choices what she will accept or not. People seem to be actually taking it personally that she's not heeding advice as if she's required to. I knew from her first post she wasn't going to leave him. But whether she does or not has no bearing on me.

We can talk all we want, what she does is up to her! As it should be!

Edited April 17, 2007 by LisaD

[Donna A 4]

u said in ur origional post that u faught even during the 5 weeks u were together. doesnt that tell u he is the same in person that he is on the internet? distance is not what ur problem is since even when u were together u were fighting. u r just not compatable. u want different things that he wants.

[JayJay 4]

Ohhh people, people - I know this thread and the content is making some of you very angry, and rightly so - but please pull up the reins a little before dumping this poor girl in the "human trash"! This is a very, VERY complex psychological situation and let's be honest - it cannot simply be "ended" by someone in a forum thread with a catchy one-liner. That would be more about "who can make the catchiest one-liner about what this relationship is" and purely about the person posting it, and not about helping the OP at all. You're all perfectly nice people, so let's just *wooooah* a second.

Love doesn't blind people. Infatuation and obsession blinds people. Have a distinction.

Now I know I will probably get shot to death for this, being "the one who foolishly stayed" etc, but I really have to disagree. For example, your mother. My mother - they love us (most of them) - and I'll tell you what - mothers are the wooorst at ebing totally blind when it comes to what their litle babies are capable of! Let's be honest here - we've all had our mothers wrapped around our little fingers numerous times before, and they certainly weren't infatuated or obsessed with us, were they?

And as far as I am concerned, when one is with a person for a while, your general "in love" feeling develops into much more of a "family love" feeling as well, so let's compare this to the defense of a brother who is doing this to HIS wife. It would, as far as I am concerned, be terribly sad if one simply "threw out" a brother if he started acting this way toward his wife. People ARE more complex than just simply "dump 'im and gerrout" - you are; I am; everyone is! let's look at this from a much wider perspective. In the society we live in, people are thrown out much more often than they ought to be. I wonder who'd be the one laughing if anyone here, including me, did something they KNEW was morally wrong through alcoholism or mental illness and he or she were simply thrown out into the desert of non-society and left to die while the hoards of "insiders" bleat like sheep at their funerals.

We are all highly intelligent people. After all, we all got through those blasted USCIS forms, didn't we? Sure, I am incredibly, incredibly lucky - as I said before, I could have been killed. It is a miracle, the changes that have happened to both myself, and my hubby. It is incredible and EXTREMELY RARE, and we have both been blessed - I haven't felt this calm or happy in many, many years - well before I met him! So it's been great, and someone who was suffering has finally found the strength to get help and begin recovering and feeling emotions again rather than ending up on that "sh*t pile of unwanted souls" that this society loves chucking people into. It's great. it's rare but it's fantastically great.

In appendix to what I wrote before, I must add that I am now at school again, and I will be majoring in Psychology (okay, that's ironic but it's not as ironic as you guys think *grins*). I just dug my first vegetable patch over here in America, and ben and I chose together what was going to go in it. We equally picked out the seeds we are sowing in the garden flower beds as well. I got home the other night and got a big, sober hug from a husband who since childhood had been stifling his emotions. He asked me if I wanted a cup of tea, and then made me one.

Listen OP, sweetie - you are a strong woman, I can tell. You're a kind woman too - please, the people in this thread are simply angry at this situation and worried about what might happen to you. Emotions come out easily when they are typed. The reason you are doing this is a great deal to do with your kindness - you're a very kind person. You certainly are working on your self esteem as well - I can see that from your expression that what he is doing is wrong - and that is just great!

In reality, as I said before, it will probably be safer for you to leave him and get some distance. Neither of you will die - he will be just fine, and you never know, he may seek help and you may eventually be married and live happily ever after - it's certainly a possibility! Or, perhaps both of you will meet other people after a little hiatus and be happy. Either way is just fine, okay?

if you do choose to continue this relationship, who am I, or any of us to judge you? BUT be safe. It mgiht be a good idea to get in touch with some domestic violence helplines. Many of them - they're on the web too - are designed for those who want to stay with their partners, as well as those who want to leave. They offer sound advice on what to do.

Anyway, I hope you are having a nice day today

[cheeky^Wolf 0]

It's worth remembering that the cause of her low self esteem is probably due to him chipping away at the stone.

When a manipulative person is on at you, it's sometimes easier to agree to things just for a quiet life. I know personally I used to let my ex think he was right just to shut him up. He was Canadian and decided to "surprise" me by booking a flight to the UK to come and stay. I really didn't want him to come but felt like I would never hear the end of it online or offline if I said no. Even when he did arrive he still reminded me daily that he gave up his great life in Canada to be with me in a dump of a country (his words, not mine). I suffered from severe headaches, which I knew were due to stress from him. He told me that I faked the headaches to make him feel guilty for telling me the truth about myself and that I needed help!

He turned up with $100, no job and no money in the bank. He stole from me, lied to me, verbally abused me daily and made me feel like absolute #######. I'm not a pushover, but his words and actions wore me down so much, I admitted defeat. I wanted him to go, but knew if I threw him out he would make my life hell. Eventually my "friend" gave him the money for a ticket back to Canada. She said she did it more for me than for him. I didn't care, he was gone and I could put my life back together.

My point being, it's not always easy to just walk away, even with LDR's. They know where you live, work, family details, people from far away CAN make your life difficult and when you feel so down about yourself, late night phonecalls calling you every name under the sun and threatening you really don't help.

SO I can understand why the OP might be hesitant, she may be thinking it will be easier to just let him come over, hate it, hate her and go back. Then the blame is on him for the break up, not her.

However you will be wasting a valuable part of your life by letting it get that far. If you think you feel sick now, wait til he's saying those words to your face.. or worse.

[Niels Bohr 72]

I never look for any relationship until I meet mature people. I do not simply socialize for nothing. I never had that problem. My head have always been straight forward. I know better than to date someone who's lost in life. Now I'm happily married.

My criteria before I was married:

1. The woman must be patient, smart, and can persevere long hard ships.

2. She must not complain about little things, such as, where were you last night or why did you pick up the phone. I require 100% trust.

3. She must be able to communicate everything to me.

Those are what I look for. If I don't find it, then I don't. Hence, I never suffer from dramatic ends. I know I'm loyal to my beloved. I don't play tricks. When I work, I work. Yes, I'm very discipline. I think it was the way I was raised.