Possible Breakup

[homesick_american 1]

Are you going to cancel the petition or not?

Several people asked this question already and you didn't answer it yet. If your decision is to still go ahead with it all this talk is a moot point, really.

I agree. Sh!t or get off the pot, honey.

[Fandango 1,439]

I think you just like drama. Otherwise, you would have dropped him already and started to move on instead of making long threads of turmoil about it.

More. Fish. In. The. Sea.

Not everyone handles these things in the same way. Read JayJay's post. It's not drama I want, it is the ability to gain enough self respect to not feel I somehow deserve to be treated like this. As for a long thread, people responded to what I posted. I didn't create the length of the thread. Elements of my situation hit home for some people and they wanted to share their experiences and advice. I appreciate them doing so. What difference does it make if a thread is long and tumultuous? YOu can easily avoid reading it. What I have is an inability to say no to anyone, and lots of boundary issues. the more I look into it, it may just be codependence, and like someone said the both of us are just reacting to each other.

The drama isn't what I want, at least not on a conscious level. I am still wondering why he didn't take me seriously to start with, though I was quite adamant about this the first time we talked. I realize I should not have taken that call, but I did because I remembered the times he wouldn't take my calls and I could not be like that. Maybe that's my problem!

My stomach's churning over it and I've felt sick for 3 days. I sure am doing a number on myself by not being able to just let go cleanly. I keep thinking, what if I am wrong, what if he's great and I am terrible? Yeah i guess after all this advice it can't be that easy. I need to detox. It doesn't matter who is even at fault anymore. It's clear we can't get through one conversation without fighting, anyway.

I'm not saying this to be rude, but I think you would really benefit from some therapy.

Oh, and good luck on your fiance's interview

[chri'stina 190]

I saw my cousin go through something similar to this, and now she and her husband are divorced. He treated her like garbage. There wasn't really physical abuse, more of emotional and psychological abuse. She tried to hide it for a couple years, but it was so obvious to all of us. We'd see how they'd interact, how he was totally disinterested in what she said, and would ignore her. We tried talking to her about it, but she'd change the subject or pretend everything was fine. But it was turning her into a basket case. It took her a couple years to leave. She had the opportunity when her husband said he was moving a couple hours away to find a new job and move her and their baby there with him in a few months, with no discussion about it with her of course. And he wanted to get her away from us, her family, who saw what was up. After he left, a month later or so she told him she wasn't going there. So she escaped out of the relationship that way, even though she already should have done that earlier.

She tried so much to make the relationship work, but when the other person doesn't want to change or go to marriage counseling, etc, you can only try so much. He claimed he would go to marriage counseling, but never did it. She herself went to counseling alone for a couple months, after leaving him. He tried to put all the guilt on her "you call yourself a Christian, and you are leaving ME?..." By then he was an atheist, which I am just saying because months earlier he was involved in church and had been very active in his faith, and then he was constantly criticizing my cousin for her beliefs. He himself would not initiate the divorce, so that he could blame her for it all in the future. My cousin has stayed single, while he already has had 2 girlfriends and his current girlfriend is pregnant. So he was really into their marriage huh? His heart was already unfaithful when they split, but he would never take any of the blame for the failed marriage.

She wouldn't listen to anybody either while she was going through it, and would pretend things were fine. I don't know if you want to take that same path of misery or not, which she is still healing from. She wishes she would have never done it.

I'm sure it's hard to think of suddenly cutting off all communication, because it's someone you feel like you fell in love with. But write a list like JayJay said.

You have to see this yourself to end it, not just hear other people say it.

[Fandango 1,439]

Dora, that's the kind of man I'm looking for. In fact I am back in touch with an old friend (we've had feelings for one another but obviously it was not pursued for various reasons which I'm not sure impede us now) and he is eager to talk to me each day. Granted we're not in a visa situation and we're not engaged, but we're good friends. I thought my fiance and I were friends, but I've been walking on eggshells around him for a while now and he's broken my heart and left me unable to think, sleep, work, eat etc. He attacks me at every turn. thing is he keeps saying how he loves me and how STUPID I am that I can't see it.

Can any of you see how much he loves me? It's like he is trying to beat me up with love. "Dang it I LOVE YOU! *punch punch punch* why don't you seeeee it??"

I have to say one more thing worth mentioning.....A MAN IS NOT GOING TO SAVE YOU!

You're thinking like Tarzan swinging thru the vines.....not letting go of one without grabbing hold of another. A man...no matter how fantabulous he is...is not going to come along and 'fix' what you need to deal with inside.

[CarolineM 0]

OMG. Go back and read all the posts you've written - everything from how HORRID he treats you to how you basically have feelings for another man...

HOW CAN YOU STILL PURSUE This. Imagine your best friend calls you and tells you EVERYTHING you've just posted on this thread - what advice would you HONESTLY give her??

Marriage isn't something to be taken lightly - and yet you seem to have NO concept of what it takes.

Seriously re-think this...take time...there is NO RUSH. Postpone the interview if you refuse to cancel...

[Robor007 0]

My question to you all: Am I this horrible selfish person who doesn't see a good thing in front of me, and is it true that YOUR fiance(e)'s have acted completely different online than offline? Or is he feeding me a whole lot of bull?

This is INSANE. There is NOTHING good in front of you. And it's not about online/offline. My fiance is the same loving person online, on the webcam, on the phone or in person. This guy is a first class jerk, manipulating you, threatening you, calling you names, etc. Why on earth would consider marrying someone like this, let alone being friends with someone who treats you like this?

There are just so many issues with long distance relationships. I never realized it could be like this.

True, but in your case it's more than obvious that the issues are not due to the distance. Forget about this already. Cancel the petition, the visa appointment, block his access to you online, change your phone number and get the hell out of this relationship. Then, consider counseling for yourself.

I only skimmed past the first and last pages but this seems like perfect advice. This 'relationship' has doom written all over it. Get out now.

[chri'stina 190]

I know there is tons of advice/input in this thread but wanted to say this too, after Lisa's post that a man cannot save you. It's so true.

If you are going to come out of this relationship, don't feel like you have to start another one right away. That's a mistake. You have to be on your own, in my opinion, for a little while. You have to see the value you have, and if you feel you lack value, working on building it in yourself. A spouse, or boyfriend, etc cannot fix life. It's good to have a friend to talk to, but don't make it be that you are turning to a guy friend in this time of need, because he is a guy and is giving sympathy and you had a crush on him. The grass always looks greener on the other side. Turn to girl friends or anyone mature who will listen.

I have a wonderful husband, who has been so good to me. But I can't depend on him alone to make my life wonderful. I have to work on it myself, and I follow my faith strongly and feel like I have to depend on God before I depend on any people. Even my husband can't completely fulfill my life or fix all my problems. When one guy is hurting you, it's easy to turn to another seemingly nicer guy, who is there to pick up the broken pieces. I'm not saying that can't happen, but it's dangerous because you are vulnerable right now. That's not what you need.

God bless you and I'm sure this thread has given a lot to think about.

[Tim and Bethanie 1]

I can't believe I read through this entire thread. Perhaps it was wishful thinking that the op would actually post she had cancelled the petition & blocked the fruit cake from any sort of communication. However all ll I have read here so far is complain, complain, then oh we made a break through.....complain, complain.....wooo another break through....complain, complain! Go back and read all of your posts and from each of them copy and paste everything negative you have stated about this man onto a notepad......Do you really want to continue communication with this man be it friend, boyfriend, husband or therapy buddy?

Stop psycho analyzing the guy and dump him already!

[broma25 2]

How much more does this guy have to do to convince you that he obviously does not love you or want to be married to you.

He ignores you when you are online.

He will not get baptized in order to marry you.

He insults you and calls you names.

Wake up honey and smell the coffee.....he is not worth the effort. Cancel the petition and move on.

Alternatively

Continue and have a very miserable life!!

Sorry its blunt but it needs to be said.

[Dr. Obvious 49]

Not everyone handles these things in the same way. Read JayJay's post. It's not drama I want, it is the ability to gain enough self respect to not feel I somehow deserve to be treated like this. As for a long thread, people responded to what I posted. I didn't create the length of the thread. Elements of my situation hit home for some people and they wanted to share their experiences and advice. I appreciate them doing so. What difference does it make if a thread is long and tumultuous? YOu can easily avoid reading it. What I have is an inability to say no to anyone, and lots of boundary issues. the more I look into it, it may just be codependence, and like someone said the both of us are just reacting to each other.

The drama isn't what I want, at least not on a conscious level. I am still wondering why he didn't take me seriously to start with, though I was quite adamant about this the first time we talked. I realize I should not have taken that call, but I did because I remembered the times he wouldn't take my calls and I could not be like that. Maybe that's my problem!

My stomach's churning over it and I've felt sick for 3 days. I sure am doing a number on myself by not being able to just let go cleanly. I keep thinking, what if I am wrong, what if he's great and I am terrible? Yeah i guess after all this advice it can't be that easy. I need to detox. It doesn't matter who is even at fault anymore. It's clear we can't get through one conversation without fighting, anyway.

I never said I didn't want to read it and I am still reading it. Not sure where that came from.

All you have to do is say 'I don't deserve to be treated like this.'. Self-fufilling prophesy. E-mail and say it is over, block him from your messenger and email, withdraw the petition, and go out and have some fun with the people who REALLY care about you. Hand wringing on some message board isn't going to do any good. Going out and getting away from all this mess will. Do that, and I will stop believing this is a 'woe is me' fest.

This is the voice of true experience. I have dropped more than my fair share of boyfriends for being asshats.

Edited April 16, 2007 by Wacken

[rebeccajo 14]

..................... asshats.

LOL

Oh I'm sorry....*chuckles*....I just hadn't heard that one in a while...........

[MichelleandCraig 1]

For JayJay...what a post. So *very* sorry to have read that and glad he's getting some help.... (F) M.

[Alex+R 0]

Mairzy, I'm about to fly over to [wherever] and kick you in the pants. Stop psychoanalyzing YOURSELF because it's not an end in itself. Oh, I get why I take this abuse. Great, now I don't have to do anything about it. If you don't do something soon, nobody is going to have any sympathy for you anymore. Heck, I'll call London for ya. "Hello, this is [Mairzy] and I would like to withdraw a petition and DTMFA" ..not so hard.

[kitkat1 5]

Mairzy, I'm about to fly over to [wherever] and kick you in the pants. Stop psychoanalyzing YOURSELF because it's not an end in itself. Oh, I get why I take this abuse. Great, now I don't have to do anything about it. If you don't do something soon, nobody is going to have any sympathy for you anymore. Heck, I'll call London for ya. "Hello, this is [Mairzy] and I would like to withdraw a petition and DTMFA" ..not so hard.

I'll be on the same flight with Alex, and I'll bring a shrink along to help you with the 3 step process;

1) Cancel the petition and interview

2) Block access to online chats and change phone number

3) Begin therapy to understand why your behavior is completely illogical

Do it already

[Reynaldo 0]

DTMFA!