Possible Breakup

[MairzyDoats 0]

I sent a break up email to my fiance a few days ago. You may think doing it in email is very cold, but in my case it has to do with my fiance continually ignoring me. As someone said above, "we women HATE being ignored." He has a habit of also hanging up on me on the phone, hanging up on me on MSN while I'm talking (not even fighting, just talking. He gets bored and turns it off.) He stopped sending me text messages, I'd asked him a week or so ago to send photos and things again like he used to because I missed seeing him and he said, "No, I won't do that." I have continually asked him to hear me, and he has refused to understand how this has been affecting me. I have cried many bitter tears over him, never letting myself actually get MAD at him or treat him in kind because I was so afraid he might leave me. I finally got to the point where I sent him an eCard on Easter Sunday, got the notice that he's seen it, and never heard from him. The next day he went on MSN, then Yahoo for a while, and never once even said hello to me.

You have to admit there's something wrong with continually ignoring your fiancee, especially when there's 5000 miles in between. He even told me on more than one occasion that he would be perfectly happy not seeing me or hearing from me til we got the visa (at that point about 3 months away.) WHAT?!

When you have a fiance who keeps saying they LOVE you but they find it difficult to stay in touch with you, it may warrant a break up email. And I took that route because I know how angry and defensive he gets, how he tries to always talk over me and interrupt me, and I needed to have my say.

He called all upset saying he didn't understand (he apparently never listened to me when I asked for his attention), that he loved me and would "do anything" for me, that I'm the best thing that's ever happened to him. We're still talking, but in the first phone conversation I laid it all on the line. And of course by the end of the conversation he was "it's not ALL ME, all MY fault." Still not hearing me.

The day before yesterday we spoke again and he said I was just attacking him, and that he has "suffered more than you ever have in your whole life" and went on about how he cared for his dying mother for years. He yelled at me and cussed.

That is the way someone treats you who WANTS to you stay with them?

Not to mention a few other choice tidbits I can't get over:

I'm Catholic, and when we met he said he was Christian and open to becoming Catholic (I never demanded him to be Catholic.) I told him that I was not allowed to marry an unbaptized person, and he said he was not baptized and so looked into the classes at a local church to become baptized. Classes run September to Easter. About halfway through these classes, he stopped going. He missed 3 or 4 until they told him he could not move on. He didn't even sit down with the priest and discuss his situation. He just took what they said and left, disgruntled. Then he came and demanded to know whether I'd be marrying him WITHOUT the baptism. I thought that was answered at the start, did I miss something? This shows that he didn't really WANT to be baptized. And I'd told him how important it was. He said, "The visa is my number one priority, the baptism can wait." He decided this all by himself and informed me of it, and that was that.

He has accused me of wanting to marry him "just to be married" and he has accused me of "using him" to "have kids." Apparently he has never heard of artificial insemination or adoption, or even just being sexually careless. I'm sure I could have had kids many times over if that were the case. I even had a guy who liked me enough 2 years ago to start talking about marriage being a possibility (but we're not the same religion at all, so that relationship wasn't pursued that way.) It's not like I was desperate and in need of just ANYONE. if that were the case why would I want someone in the UK? I am sure I could have someone a lot closer!

When I wanted him to call or chat with me, he said I was unrealistic to expect him to be online to chat with me every day. He said I am "feeble", "needy", "clingy", "trying to control him", "like his mother," "irrational." He said I have "no backbone." And then he says he loves me. ???

I have never figured out why wanting to hear from someone you love is considered trying to CONTROL him or being needy. We don't even talk every day. And he said what is the longest we've gone without contact and I said about 6 days. And he said, "and that's a crime?" and I said, "Yes." I explained that with friends there are no such expectations, that they come and go and you don't get on them over it. But if a fiance disappears without a word, or worse, comes online so you can see them and they don't talk to you, that's different. He said, "Oh so your friends are off the hook but not me?"

He doesn't get it. I figured when you are crazy about someone, you want to talk to them. Even if it's just to say hello, how are you, or send a text, "thinking of you." So we contact each other every few days now and everything else pretty much stopped. He always told me how he HATES to be online (funny, we met online and he bought a laptop just to talk to me more!). then he said, "I like going online, just not talking to YOU."

feel the love.

I am still open to talking to him, but there are so many factors involved. I keep trying to forgive and get past it all but I don't know if in this case I should be forgiving it. This is a lifetime commitment, after all. I don't see how these things can be overlooked. I just need someone different. I told him, we are so different. We want different things. And he said we could still be together and want different things.

So I don't know anymore. He has me second guessing myself all the time. But I am finally at my breaking point. So cold or not, I had to send that email, and it was not easy.

We have only known each other for a year and spent just 5 weeks together in person (where we did have arguments, though not as constant as online.)

The interview date is April 23. He wants to go, anyway.

[brnidokiegurl 0]

I feel you pretty well already know the answer, walk softly with this one......

[Otto 83]

MairzyDoats

I've suggested this book on VJ before because it has helped me a great deal and it may help you (and others) as well.

If nothing else, it may help you to understand a few things about yourself and your fiancé. It's a quick read - not all that many pages. It's my best advice.

[lisaf 0]

Oh boy, I feel your rage, he has behaved like a d**k and you have done the right thing.

Im sure all most of us here will tell you of the frustration of being apart..and the dependence on emails ,PM's , phone calls to the point of obsession But thats what gets you through this process and missing each other. And your guy cant be bothered??????

Im sorry but it reads to me that he's not really into you but really into getting to the states. I really don't think 5 weeks in person is long enough to decide on a life and a marriage together.

personally Id send him packing, but good luck whatever you decide

[randolady 1]

I'm so sorry to hear about all this! Someone who causes you this much heartache is not worth it. To be blunt, he sounds like an #######.

[JODO 2]

He sounds like a jerk! I think you did the right thing. If however you think there is a remote chance the stress of the visa process caused him to act this way, and you are willing to forgive him, I'd have a "come to Jesus meeting with him" and explain that his behavior has to change ASAP, or it is over!

Edited April 13, 2007 by JODO

[broma25 2]

I have to agree with Lisaf.

Leave it now and see what he does!

[Caladan 19]

Wow. I don't know what to say, but if you've only been together a year, only met for five weeks, and he's being an emotionally abusive as$hole, that sounds like a good reason to break up with him to me.

[TracyTN 237]

I'm sorry, but I would NOT be pursuing a relationship with this man. Sounds like he has issues that you (or anyone else) won't be able to fix. You don't treat someone who is supposedly your best friend and safe harbor the way he's treated you.

I think he loved the 'thrill' of it all - but that real life and a real relationship became mundane to him. Only a year knowing each other (and, I assume, starting the visa process before knowing him a year) - that's risky. Esp. when one of you is moving country.

I would be emailing the London embassy PRONTO and telling them of the breakup - and that he has threatened to still go to the interview. Let his stubborn a$$ go to the interview - see if he gets the visa with you withdrawing your intent to marry.

If for some strange reason you did decide to stay with him, fine. But to pursue a visa with this much ####### going on is not feasible.

[JenT 0]

I'm sure typing all of that out was therapeutic for you.... now go back and re-read what you wrote. What advice would you give to someone who wrote all of that?

You know the answer, you just need the strength to proceed. Draw your boundaries and NEVER compromise on the needs most important to you. You will come to resent him/your relationship if your needs are not met.

Best wishes,

Jen

[pnd629 0]

After reading your post, I can only advise you to dump this guy. There is NO excuse for his behavior.

You deserve someone who treats you better than he does.

[ya falaha! 0]

You did the right thing. He doesn't want to talk until he gets the visa??? What kind of shet is that? You deserve better than that.

[Uzume 0]

Hmmmm, I don't mean to sound like the harbinger of doom but this sounds very very suspicious. I had a very odd situation once with a guy online and this rings a few bells. There's an excellent book called "Romantic Deception" which may be worth a look. I may be well off the mark but are you sure he is being honest with you about everything? I've discovered,unfortunately from experience, that one of the major warning signals is availability... if he is always in control of when and how you communicate then alarm bells should definitey ring.

By the way, do you want to be with someone who says such nasty things to you? You sound like you thought carefully about your decision to end things so maybe this is a good thing (?)

Take care

JD

[keltic 1]

Oh boy, I feel your rage, he has behaved like a d**k and you have done the right thing.

Im sure all most of us here will tell you of the frustration of being apart..and the dependence on emails ,PM's , phone calls to the point of obsession But thats what gets you through this process and missing each other. And your guy cant be bothered??????

Im sorry but it reads to me that he's not really into you but really into getting to the states. I really don't think 5 weeks in person is long enough to decide on a life and a marriage together.

personally Id send him packing, but good luck whatever you decide

i agree... what you have presented sounds completely as if he just wants the visa... i would run from this... his accusations of you 'using him' sound like projection to me...

i think that 'men are from mars, women are from venus' is an excellent book to give an idea of the differences in how we communicate... but i think that there are even limits there... he doesnt seem to have any interest in communicating with you... communication is a 2 way street... meaning he needs to actually listen to you as well... and that doesnt mean just hearing you... but listening... and valuing what you have to say, whether he agrees or not... its a matter of respect...

if you tolerate this behavior now, it will continue throughout your relationship... if that is what you are happy with, then stick with him... if it isnt, you need to change it

my husband is not a man who likes to talk on the phone or just chat... but even he *wanted* to talk to me, email me, communicate with me... honest communication is what holds together a relationship... without it, there *is* no relationship

it does sound like you know exactly what you need to do... best of luck on finding love and true happiness... it is worth the wait

[JenT 0]

Oh boy, I feel your rage, he has behaved like a d**k and you have done the right thing.

Im sure all most of us here will tell you of the frustration of being apart..and the dependence on emails ,PM's , phone calls to the point of obsession But thats what gets you through this process and missing each other. And your guy cant be bothered??????

Im sorry but it reads to me that he's not really into you but really into getting to the states. I really don't think 5 weeks in person is long enough to decide on a life and a marriage together.

personally Id send him packing, but good luck whatever you decide

I disagree. You can't make unequivocal judgments about the amount of time people spend together. Much depends on maturity level, life experiences, etc... In ths case, it does seem that 5 weeks was not enough. But I met my David in person, not over the Internet, and he knew immediately that I was the one for him. It took me a little longer to come around (details in "My Story"), but all totaled, we spent a total of 15 days together over the course over 7 months when he proposed and I accepted. He's the best thing (besides my kids) that ever happened to me.

Hmmmm, I don't mean to sound like the harbinger of doom but this sounds very very suspicious. I had a very odd situation once with a guy online and this rings a few bells. There's an excellent book called "Romantic Deception" which may be worth a look. I may be well off the mark but are you sure he is being honest with you about everything? I've discovered,unfortunately from experience, that one of the major warning signals is availability... if he is always in control of when and how you communicate then alarm bells should definitey ring.

By the way, do you want to be with someone who says such nasty things to you? You sound like you thought carefully about your decision to end things so maybe this is a good thing (?)

Take care

JD

Excellent point, JD.

Jen