For those who closed the distance, what did you do to make your partner feel more at home?

[KatieAndNaimah 108]

I am thinking about how she has to leave her friends and family to come live with me, and since we're doing the K1 visa she won't be able to work for a while, so I want to prepare as much as possible to make her transition as easy as possible. 

 

What kind of things did you do to make the adjustment easier?

 

So far, I know I want to take her shopping so we can decorate the room to make it her own. She has a favorite set of sheets, so I want to get a similar one for our bed. But I need more ideas! 

[Crazy Cat 41,845]

Great post!!!  My wife arrives next week, and I could use the same ideas......

[RJandHamid 1,133]

He's not here yet, but trying to think of some ideas. I plan on getting him a gym membership and a library card, both within biking distance of where we will live. I'll be taking a few days off of work when he comes to show him around, spend time together. We will be living with my parents and brother at first and that will be a little frustrating all around, but at least he'll almost always have someone to hang out with. He likes to cook so he plans on having dinner ready for me when I come home from work... I wonder how long he will keep that up lol 

[Russ&Caro 1,549]

You are about to embark on a wild ride that makes anything you see at an amusement park seem tame. I commend all of you for actually thinking about preparing for your partner's arrival. Things I wished I had done:

1. Knew more about early marriage issues (it was both of our 1st marriages). Understanding the dynamics at play, especially the power dynamics. So read some marriage manuals if you have time.

2. Knew more about her health issues and connected it with the new environment. It's really dry here with lots of different stuff floating in the air that absolutely wreaked havoc on her allergies.

3. Lined up a personal doctor for her that she could see in the first month of her arrival.

4. Understood better her transportation preferences. I thought she would feel comfortable riding a bicycle. Huh uh, that didn't work.

5. I wished I had taken her to the only Colombia restaurant in the region (one in Albuquerque) within the first week or month. Home food is important.

 

I was slow to do all of these things. Way too slow. And it caused conflict. There are many, many other things I should have done too.

 

Remember, you are the petiitioner. You already live in this culture. All you have to do is adapt to the marriage. The beneficiary has to adapt to the culture and the marriage and being far, far away from her family and friends. Which means... you need to do all the listening. Less talking, more listening. Every little thing that he/she might say in those first few weeks could be hugely important. Don't forget or dismiss anything. Take care of his/her health... that's probably #1. If you have to work for 8 hours a day, make sure the remaining 16 hours are devoted to your partner. Even if your partner knows english, and even if english is their first language, don't be put off by having to make calls on their behalf. It's initmidating to them all of the crazy things we do, day to day.

 

Best of luck! I know you'll do great because you're already asking the right questions.

 

[YecaCruz 379]

I took off the first few days from work just to be with him.

 

I learned how to make Nicaraguan food.

 

I adopted some of his hobbies like soccer...even though I don't get overly exited over it. But I watch soccer with him and watch him play soccer because I know he likes it and I know he likes it when I do it with him 

 

Don't stop "dating" just because you tie the knot; don't stop pursuing each other. Keep finding ways to win each other's hearts.

 

Find a good group of friends that you can go do stuff with as it will help you both feel like a part of something. Don't isolate yourselves

These are just some things I did. Hope they spark some ideas for you!

[Randyandyuni 2,682]

foods, hers and local to you

appropriate clothing for the weather if different

time to decompress and take in the whole process

intimate gathering to familiarize her with your friends/family

maps of your immediate area, lists of things to do in the area

[Wuozopo 4,293]

How about making sure she has pocket money without asking for it.  My wife would get money out of the cash machine and lay it out on the counter at home and say I got us some cash today. Then she would take half and push half toward me.  Or she would say "when you are out today, will you stop and get us some cash?" Or she might say, "I'm out of cash, do you have any left?" and take a twenty off me.  She kindly made it feel like her money was our money. It never felt like she was giving me an allowance. 

And when you're in the city, send her over to the hot dog cart to pay for the dogs with her pocket money, so it's not all one-sided. 

[shawndee 47]

Great topic! Following for sure.

[elwoodicious 57]

8 minutes ago, Wuozopo said:

How about making sure she has pocket money without asking for it.  My wife would get money out of the cash machine and lay it out on the counter at home and say I got us some cash today. Then she would take half and push half toward me.  Or she would say "when you are out today, will you stop and get us some cash?" Or she might say, "I'm out of cash, do you have any left?" and take a twenty off me.  She kindly made it feel like her money was our money. It never felt like she was giving me an allowance. 

And when you're in the city, send her over to the hot dog cart to pay for the dogs with her pocket money, so it's not all one-sided. 

Talking about money is important in every relationship, though, I can only imagine how important is in this situation.

My fiancee and I openly talk about money and how we would like to see it handled when she and her son are here with me. She is an independent and successful person, she has never relied on anyone, so I spend a lot of time thinking about what it might feel like for her to come here to be with my daughter and I and find herself in a position where she is dependent.

We both acknowledge that there's little we can do about how earnings will be asymmetric during the first year so your comments about money hit home. And I am grateful that we have been taking the time as a couple to discuss our feelings and potential strategies concerning it. Talking about what bills and obligations each has, and sharing the potential for decision making for them is important. Transparency and shared responsibility is what my fiancee and I are hoping to have with each other.

[Wuozopo 4,293]

22 minutes ago, elwoodicious said:

My fiancee and I openly talk about money and how we would like to see it handled when she and her son are here with me. She is an independent and successful person, she has never relied on anyone, so I spend a lot of time thinking about what it might feel like for her to come here to be with my daughter and I and find herself in a position where she is dependent.

 

It can feel awkward at first with no job and the bulk of your savings still in the UK, so the easy feeling of having cash in my pocket in case I wanted to grab a cup of tea somewhere or pick up lunch on my own was nice. It didn't make me feel dependent, even though I really was. 

[Georgia16 2,858]

Make room in closet and in the home for her stuff. Make sure she knows where everything is. Take one day a week (maybe Saturday or Sunday) where you guys can go out and do stuff and show her around that way she gets out, you have a date together and she will get to know the area she lives in. Make sure to tell her about stuff and how they work. Insurance, paying bills and so on where I come from that is very different then here so it was like learning everything from new and it so important to be a part of all that.

[Kirin2002 257]

Great topic!! I'll follow. I'm the foreign fiancee in this case so I plan to make some savings before going to the States, get a gym membership, start looking for jobs in my field (I'm a teacher) and...maybe get a dog (we are looking forward to this last thing! ) ah and I almost forgot...get whatsapp and Skype ready to talk to my family and friends

[KatieAndNaimah 108]

Thank you for all the replies!

 

I have two cats so they will be keeping her company, as well as my roommate who works more sporadic shifts than I do. I have planned on getting her a gym membership and cellphone right away. I want to transform my bank account into a joint bill account, and then give each of us a "fun money" account so that she doesn't ever have to talk to me when she wants to spend things (or treat me  )

[luviscoming1 14]

Good Question...and that's funny you ask because that's what am doing now.  Preparing for my husbands arrival next month.  First, I plan to make room in my closet, HA!, then we plan to visit all my family.  Since my husband is from Ghana I searched and found a Ghanaian restaurant for us to go too, and I youtubed how to cook some of his favorite home dishes.  (I hope that's a success ).  Then when things start to settle down we will sit down and go over all the household bills.  He has a good business sense so he would be better at budgeting then me.  Before he arrives I will get a current Driver's license book for him to study for and lastly we will plan a short trip to someplace (not sure yet) to celebrate out 2nd year anniversary in November. 

I hope this helps.

 

[David & Diana R 1,005]

For my wife from the Philippines the transition was not as bad as for others in other states/locales.  The weather, food and stores here in Hawaii are very similar to the Philippines.  The first thing I did when she arrived was have a surprise welcome party for her.  Then I took her to many local Filipino stores, open markets and restaurants.  I found many women and men that speak bisayan.  We all formed a group and this was very helpful to her.  Having others who speak your language/dialect is comforting.  I walk up to strangers that I see and introduce myself and my wife.  Usually I spot Caucasian Americans (older like me) walking with younger Filipina women.  I strike up a conversation and Filipina's are so quick in developing friendships.  We have met at least 7 couples this way and now have a large group of friends.  Their friends and friends of their friends...  The girls often get together and make lunch at one of their houses.  We all celebrate birthdays, children birthdays, and anniversaries together.  This had been the most comforting thing for my wife.  Having friends that speak her language.  Foods that she loves.  I have eaten two balut, but then I have always loved Filipino food.  We now have a new baby girl and are happier than ever.  My wife is so in love with our baby girl and of course so am I.  The transition can be difficult but there are ways to ease someone into a new world, a new way of living.  Honestly, I don't think I would have had the guts my wife had, leaving her country at the age of 19 and coming to America not knowing for sure what would happen.  But God is good.