Just could use a tad encouragement or something

[Bobbie 1]

I don't want to get into too many details, but many of you may remember me talking about stuff in the past with my in laws in India, and how it's not always been so smooth but has gotten better.

I know there must be others out there like me. (I know raspberryswirl's situation is even worse than ours). I still have not met my in laws. Sujeet just went to India but I could not go, for many reasons, and am sad to say that I am glad I did not go because it was a stressful family kind of trip for Sujeet and me being there would have been even worse.

I just feel part of my life is missing. I don't know what it's like to have in laws around or that you see on holidays. I never expected to marry a foreigner(neither did Suj!), and never expected that his culture would be so drastically from mine that there would be difficulty with my in laws for many cultural differences. I am so happy I married Sujeet of course, and he sacrificed a lot to be with me. I sometimes wonder if I am worth it. I know it sounds dramatic! But I'm serious. He caused a lot of turmoil to be with me. He still gets so much pressure and turmoil from his family for so many things. I feel guilty sometimes that he even met me, I only brought trouble into his life regarding his family. But we loved each other too much to not be together. We've been married 2 1/2 years already. Been in love for over 5 years.

I guess I feel this on and off all the time. But my in laws really expect me to be "Indian" and always say to look at Sonia Gandhi as my example. She became Indian practically, and speaks fluent Hindi, even though she was an Italian from Italy, and is a top politician there. It's not good enough that I am a nice girl with good morals, who has accepted much of the Indian culture into her life, who has sent so many letters to them, who takes care of their son. I can cook some Indian food, I do like some Indian music. When you marry someone from another culture, of course part of it is going to become a norm in your life. I love Indian food, that's why I wanted to cook it. I love sarees and Indian textiles. But all that is still not good enough. And I am not going to make myself anymore Indian than I am, but they don't accept it and always want more, which we cannot give and will not give. My father in law even wrote in a letter to my parents that since I chose to marry his son, I have to adapt to the Indian way of living as soon as possible and I have to learn Hindi as soon as possible.

I am supposed to forget all about being an American.

I feel like we live in two different worlds.

It's just frustrating! I would have posted this in the south asia forum, but I don't feel comfortable posting it there and I feel people in off topic will more understand my perspective on this as a westerner. And Sujeet doesn't just sit and let them say these things, he does defend me, but it causes so much strife sometimes between he and his parents. I wish it wasn't this way.

Anyone else going through this? I feel like I need a surrogate mother in law or something. Not an annoying one though. But one that says "you are a wonderful woman for my son...".

This is when living half way the world away from the inlaws is a GOOD thing!

never forget, it is you and him. Hopefully the rest of the family is there for the both of you, but now, you begin your own family. Your husband the head, you are the boss but it is YOUR family, he and you. While we try for family unity, sometimes, they must be seen as white music. SMile, yes yes, Smile, Yes yes...go on with life.

BObbie

[Nikita2Charles 32]

Just finishing reading your thread Stina. I am sorry you are going through all of this with your In Laws. I recall your thread from the other forum awhile back, I should say I am fortunate I never had to go through this. But when we got married and after living together for awhile, in the heated argument my wife would say stuff like If it was an indian guy he would understand where i am coming, He would not do this, he would know this or that, my reply I am not Indian and you can never expect me to be an Indian, I have assimilate a lot to the culture, I have learned a lot, regarding the food, the people, but I will always be Myself. A lot of it also is Imagination, Perception of what they want you to be, But in reality deep inside they know it's not true, as being in India for a long time, several visits and spent months there due to my work, I could tell you there's not much difference between guys in general, the one here, or anywhere. Of course you will have some cultural differences in the conflict but it's generally the same. My wife gave off a lot to come here, so I am always grateful and feel the same way you do, the only difference, My in laws are kinda cool, my FIL was a little bit apprehensive but over time, he has became really nice and see things objectively, In an argument when people say all kind of crazy things, He's not going over the board and take side, always wise words, you know how women are just be patient.

Even if Sujeet had marry an indian girl they would still be acting the same way, because it's the parental bond that's making them possessive, so the main thing is to keep the love you have for each other very strong, and leave everything to Jesus. It was God that brought you 2 together, as 2 people from different part of the planet managed to meet and fall in love and be together that's a feast by itself. My basic philosophy is to keep your heart pure, even when the water is very stormy all kind of negative things are being said, I am at peace because I know in My heart I hold no harm, or evil thought toward the other person, Jesus know what's in my heart, I could sleep like a baby. Look at your family as being you and Sujeet, and maybe harsh but don't worry the negativity, I love the fact when your parents replied to your in laws letter, the more bad thing they say, The more you pray for them, Your parents sent word of kindness, warm thought. Keep it going and God will take care of it.

Edited April 21, 2007 by Nikita2Charles

[ace13 0]

I have a VERY dramatic MIL. When she had kidney stones, I called her and asked how she is doing and she said the pain is not nearly as bad as the pain she feels everyday from missing her son! She calls every Sunday and it really effects my husband because it makes him so sad to hear his mother so sad. I wish she would please please call less. We know she misses him, but for now, this is what we have chosen to do and it is depressing hearing it all the time. You know! So, I understand part of what you are saying.

As far as my MIL wanting me to be Italian, she has never said anything like that except when Stefano said he was going to marry me and they asked why in the world he would want to marry me when he could marry a nice Italian girl.

Last time we visited, I asked my MIL to teach me a lot of Stefano's favorite Italian recipes and she asked me why I wasn't making him get used to American cuisine. I explained that it makes me feel good to give him some of his old comfort foods and she went along with it.

I am sorry that you are having trouble with his family. Remember not to worry too much about it. God says that man is to leave his mother and father and is supposed to cling to his wife and create a new family. That is just what you have done. You have been respectful to his family as has he and that is all that his parents can ask of you. They are the ones that need to grow and accept your marriage and let you be and stop causing trouble for the two of you. I will pray that they come to this understanding.

[Alex+R 0]

I have a VERY dramatic MIL. When she had kidney stones, I called her and asked how she is doing and she said the pain is not nearly as bad as the pain she feels everyday from missing her son! She calls every Sunday and it really effects my husband because it makes him so sad to hear his mother so sad. I wish she would please please call less. We know she misses him, but for now, this is what we have chosen to do and it is depressing hearing it all the time. You know! So, I understand part of what you are saying.

As far as my MIL wanting me to be Italian, she has never said anything like that except when Stefano said he was going to marry me and they asked why in the world he would want to marry me when he could marry a nice Italian girl.

Last time we visited, I asked my MIL to teach me a lot of Stefano's favorite Italian recipes and she asked me why I wasn't making him get used to American cuisine. I explained that it makes me feel good to give him some of his old comfort foods and she went along with it.

I am sorry that you are having trouble with his family. Remember not to worry too much about it. God says that man is to leave his mother and father and is supposed to cling to his wife and create a new family. That is just what you have done. You have been respectful to his family as has he and that is all that his parents can ask of you. They are the ones that need to grow and accept your marriage and let you be and stop causing trouble for the two of you. I will pray that they come to this understanding.

wtg, Ace. Excellent post, IMO. If I were Stina I would feel better reading about your experience.

[Reba 2]

Stina, while I don't have the cultural differences that you and Sujeet have wonderfully managed to overcome yourselves, you know I *did* have the difficult in-laws! I understand the frustration, and the confusion of why can't they just deal with it!

Hang in there.

[Sofiyya 1,687]

You're a very cool lady, Stina. Sujeet made a great choice. Let the in-laws know that every chance you get. They're lucky to have you as a daughter-in-law!

[babybunny 2]

I don't want to get into too many details, but many of you may remember me talking about stuff in the past with my in laws in India, and how it's not always been so smooth but has gotten better.

I know there must be others out there like me. (I know raspberryswirl's situation is even worse than ours). I still have not met my in laws. Sujeet just went to India but I could not go, for many reasons, and am sad to say that I am glad I did not go because it was a stressful family kind of trip for Sujeet and me being there would have been even worse.

I just feel part of my life is missing. I don't know what it's like to have in laws around or that you see on holidays. I never expected to marry a foreigner(neither did Suj!), and never expected that his culture would be so drastically from mine that there would be difficulty with my in laws for many cultural differences. I am so happy I married Sujeet of course, and he sacrificed a lot to be with me. I sometimes wonder if I am worth it. I know it sounds dramatic! But I'm serious. He caused a lot of turmoil to be with me. He still gets so much pressure and turmoil from his family for so many things. I feel guilty sometimes that he even met me, I only brought trouble into his life regarding his family. But we loved each other too much to not be together. We've been married 2 1/2 years already. Been in love for over 5 years.

I guess I feel this on and off all the time. But my in laws really expect me to be "Indian" and always say to look at Sonia Gandhi as my example. She became Indian practically, and speaks fluent Hindi, even though she was an Italian from Italy, and is a top politician there. It's not good enough that I am a nice girl with good morals, who has accepted much of the Indian culture into her life, who has sent so many letters to them, who takes care of their son. I can cook some Indian food, I do like some Indian music. When you marry someone from another culture, of course part of it is going to become a norm in your life. I love Indian food, that's why I wanted to cook it. I love sarees and Indian textiles. But all that is still not good enough. And I am not going to make myself anymore Indian than I am, but they don't accept it and always want more, which we cannot give and will not give. My father in law even wrote in a letter to my parents that since I chose to marry his son, I have to adapt to the Indian way of living as soon as possible and I have to learn Hindi as soon as possible.

I am supposed to forget all about being an American.

I feel like we live in two different worlds.

It's just frustrating! I would have posted this in the south asia forum, but I don't feel comfortable posting it there and I feel people in off topic will more understand my perspective on this as a westerner. And Sujeet doesn't just sit and let them say these things, he does defend me, but it causes so much strife sometimes between he and his parents. I wish it wasn't this way.

Anyone else going through this? I feel like I need a surrogate mother in law or something. Not an annoying one though. But one that says "you are a wonderful woman for my son...".

I can relate to how you are feeling. I know you can accept the indian culture. this is the bottomline

you have to ignore your american side. you cant do that because its part of your heart. you also know that if you moved to

india things with you and sujeet will NEVER be like it is now nor will it ever be the same. can you accept his family always in your decisions? always making rules over you? always telling you what to do? always making choices over your husband?being his religen, and raising a child his way or should I say his mamas way.

if you can handle that and willing to accept that. then you and sujeet will have a decent life in india. the moment you forget that

your life will not be happy and you will be depressed.

one time I asked javed if we could go to a hotel for a few days. instead of answering he went to his family. demanded to know what happend to make me upset. I was not upset or anything. all i wanted was time alone. this sparked a family riff.

all because, i wanted some time with my husband.

this is the situations you will always face.

I say these things because, I am dealing with these issues as well.

[chri'stina 190]

Thanks for all the very nice replies.

....

Even if Sujeet had marry an indian girl they would still be acting the same way, because it's the parental bond that's making them possessive, so the main thing is to keep the love you have for each other very strong, and leave everything to Jesus. ...

I have a VERY dramatic MIL. When she had kidney stones, I called her and asked how she is doing and she said the pain is not nearly as bad as the pain she feels everyday from missing her son! She calls every Sunday and it really effects my husband because it makes him so sad to hear his mother so sad. I wish she would please please call less. We know she misses him, but for now, this is what we have chosen to do and it is depressing hearing it all the time. You know! So, I understand part of what you are saying.

As far as my MIL wanting me to be Italian, she has never said anything like that except when Stefano said he was going to marry me and they asked why in the world he would want to marry me when he could marry a nice Italian girl.

Last time we visited, I asked my MIL to teach me a lot of Stefano's favorite Italian recipes and she asked me why I wasn't making him get used to American cuisine. I explained that it makes me feel good to give him some of his old comfort foods and she went along with it.

I am sorry that you are having trouble with his family. Remember not to worry too much about it. God says that man is to leave his mother and father and is supposed to cling to his wife and create a new family. That is just what you have done. You have been respectful to his family as has he and that is all that his parents can ask of you. They are the ones that need to grow and accept your marriage and let you be and stop causing trouble for the two of you. I will pray that they come to this understanding.

Wow, sorry you have that trouble too! I'll be praying for you also.

I can relate to how you are feeling. I know you can accept the indian culture. this is the bottomline

you have to ignore your american side. you cant do that because its part of your heart. you also know that if you moved to

india things with you and sujeet will NEVER be like it is now nor will it ever be the same. can you accept his family always in your decisions? always making rules over you? always telling you what to do? always making choices over your husband?being his religen, and raising a child his way or should I say his mamas way.

if you can handle that and willing to accept that. then you and sujeet will have a decent life in india. the moment you forget that

your life will not be happy and you will be depressed.

one time I asked javed if we could go to a hotel for a few days. instead of answering he went to his family. demanded to know what happend to make me upset. I was not upset or anything. all i wanted was time alone. this sparked a family riff.

all because, i wanted some time with my husband.

this is the situations you will always face.

I say these things because, I am dealing with these issues as well.

Sorry you are also facing some cultural issues too. We are not planning on moving to India, and Sujeet and I are the same religion, so I don't think some of those issues would come up. He didn't live with his family when he was still in India, he lived in a different city so he did already have a lot of independence from them. He is not the one making me change anything, just his parents. But things are ok for the time being. I'll pray for you also that Javed understands that it's weird for you to have go through his family for decisions. Maybe he will change his mind and understand why you want time alone with him. God bless!

Edited April 23, 2007 by stina&suj