Just could use a tad encouragement or something

[chri'stina 190]

Them coming here would be very unlikely anyway. Believe me, I wouldn't want to do it.

[MaryandMian 1]

At this time, the thought of living with them for a couple months freaks me out.

You shouldn't welcome anything like that as long as they're hell-bent on changing you. The time they spend here will drive you further away from them as they act in typical desi parent fashion (read dominating and bossy) and you recoil away in response. Bad idea.

Keep it long-distance for now, expectations will temper with the passage of years.

Stina just got to read thru your post and know that it can be difficult with the parents and inlaws. I know you are a good and strong lady and hopefully in time tensions should ease somewhat. Gupt's advice above sounds like the best thing for now. HUGS

[Anyta Holland 0]

Awwwww.... I feel so sad that things have turned out that way.... I have dissapeared from this side of the forum, but come back every now and again... I remember a few posts of yours on how difficult this has been... And I understand, kind of, what you're going through... My sister in law wanted, or expeted me to become more English and less Venezuelan.... It was a tad difficult, since I love my culture, and I love theirs as well....

Ultimately we had a big argument and she said that English people didn't behave the way I did, to what I responded, that's because I am not English... DUH! I figured she would have realised that by then, but apparently she still thought that I was English....

Anyways, I just wanted to give you my support, even if it doesn't count for much... I can also lend you my MIL, she's absolutely NUTS! But she's great! Because is nuts in a nice kinda way....

Hope things get better, all I can say is that it seems that you have done more than enough to try to get into their culture, and that there is so much you can do... Don't torture yourself with this, I had to learn this the hard way... My sister in law got married about 8 months ago when we were still in the UK, and we were not invited, even though Graham didn't have to do anything with our argument... I apologized to everyone, but her, 'cause I didn;t think I had done something bad... I finally realized, that it was something she had to deal with, and that I was always going to be Venezuelan no matter how much I immersed myself in the British culture...

Hang in there girl!!

[w¡n9Nµ7 §£@¥€r 123]

You should tell them, Sonia was a white lady who settled in India, so she became Indian. Suj is an Indian guy who settled in the US, so he will try to be like Sanjaya.

Gupt's advice above sounds like the best thing for now. HUGS

I've seen Sujeet's pics on VJ and he doesn't look girly enough to pull off Sanjaya.

[chri'stina 190]

Thanks for all the replies.

Stina just got to read thru your post and know that it can be difficult with the parents and inlaws. I know you are a good and strong lady and hopefully in time tensions should ease somewhat. Gupt's advice above sounds like the best thing for now. HUGS

Thanks Mary!

Awwwww.... I feel so sad that things have turned out that way.... I have dissapeared from this side of the forum, but come back every now and again... I remember a few posts of yours on how difficult this has been... And I understand, kind of, what you're going through... My sister in law wanted, or expeted me to become more English and less Venezuelan.... It was a tad difficult, since I love my culture, and I love theirs as well....

Ultimately we had a big argument and she said that English people didn't behave the way I did, to what I responded, that's because I am not English... DUH! I figured she would have realised that by then, but apparently she still thought that I was English....

Anyways, I just wanted to give you my support, even if it doesn't count for much... I can also lend you my MIL, she's absolutely NUTS! But she's great! Because is nuts in a nice kinda way....

Hope things get better, all I can say is that it seems that you have done more than enough to try to get into their culture, and that there is so much you can do... Don't torture yourself with this, I had to learn this the hard way... My sister in law got married about 8 months ago when we were still in the UK, and we were not invited, even though Graham didn't have to do anything with our argument... I apologized to everyone, but her, 'cause I didn;t think I had done something bad... I finally realized, that it was something she had to deal with, and that I was always going to be Venezuelan no matter how much I immersed myself in the British culture...

Hang in there girl!!

Sorry you had to go through that! Thanks for the encouragement. I hope things get better with your sil.

You should tell them, Sonia was a white lady who settled in India, so she became Indian. Suj is an Indian guy who settled in the US, so he will try to be like Sanjaya.

Gupt's advice above sounds like the best thing for now. HUGS

I've seen Sujeet's pics on VJ and he doesn't look girly enough to pull off Sanjaya.

Edited April 14, 2007 by stina&suj

[Together4ever 1]

Although I am not well versed in Indian culture, I would like to offer an idea. It's the concept of placing "gentle boundaries" when you have difficult relationships to deal with such as with your in-laws. I faced this situation years ago in my own family. I am a harmony person and I don't like confrontation and I also don't like being required to change who I am. Now I'm older and much more stubborn, so that stuff is right out! But what I learned is that when the parental figure begins leaning on/crushing you with their expectations and your lack of meeting them, you can gracefully begin to ignore it. Same concept works with tempermental toddlers. Now I am in no way being disrespectful of your in-laws, but the concept works on the same principle. If you don't engage them, the pattern will begin to taper off. It is NOT an easy task, because family matters are usually so emotionally-charged but it does work and over time you will see the relationship evolve. I wish you all the best. Hang onto your love and it will give you strength.

[Fandango 1,439]

Stina, you need to be who you are and if that's not good enough for your ILs, then that's too bad for them.

I tried with nitpicky inlaws (ex)...well the MIL. She always had summat to say, and I was younger then, so I tried to please her. I had grown up seeing no in law issues in my own nuclear family, therefore, I wanted the same happiness and acceptance with my inlaws. I could tell you stories of perceived slights and drama that would make your hair stand on end! Thank GOD David's parents are wonderful, lol...I had enough horror stories to last a lifetime.

In the end, I realized while it's acceptable to offer respect to the parents of your spouse, you don't have to clamor for their acceptance because it will always be a carrot on the end of a big ole stick. But console yourself with the fact that hey, at least they don't live near you!!!

Oh, and that whole 'have em stay for a few months?' maybe in alternate-universeland.

If by 'stay with you for a few months' Steven meant 'don't invite them to stay with you for a few months.', then I'll agree

Edited April 14, 2007 by LisaD

[rebeccajo 14]

Hope you are continuing to feel better, Stina.

I'm guessing you and Suj have discussed this feeling of yours. You know, as long as you talk it out between the two of you then that's the best medicine.

Yes, he loves you and moved away to be with you. But look at how you love him as well. Enough to wonder if his life would be better without the sacrifices he made.

I think not.

When two people who are like-minded join together, there's a goodness and a power there that wouldn't be possible if their lives were still separate.

Frankly, I think the power of your love hasn't yet been revealed. But I'm pretty certain it radiates out beyond the two of you. Together.

Edited April 14, 2007 by rebeccajo

[one...two...tree 2,762]

At this time, the thought of living with them for a couple months freaks me out.

You shouldn't welcome anything like that as long as they're hell-bent on changing you. The time they spend here will drive you further away from them as they act in typical desi parent fashion (read dominating and bossy) and you recoil away in response. Bad idea.

Keep it long-distance for now, expectations will temper with the passage of years.

I'll take your word for it. In general though, I think that having in-laws live with you for a little while can break down barriers if both sides aren't too stubborn about it. I just came back from a week's trip to Arizona to let my family meet Jinky in person for the first time. We spent a few days staying at my parent's house and another few days at my brother's. I think my family has a lot better understanding of our relationship. They were aprehensive about it in the beginning.

[w¡n9Nµ7 §£@¥€r 123]

At this time, the thought of living with them for a couple months freaks me out.

You shouldn't welcome anything like that as long as they're hell-bent on changing you. The time they spend here will drive you further away from them as they act in typical desi parent fashion (read dominating and bossy) and you recoil away in response. Bad idea.

Keep it long-distance for now, expectations will temper with the passage of years.

I'll take your word for it. In general though, I think that having in-laws live with you for a little while can break down barriers if both sides aren't too stubborn about it. I just came back from a week's trip to Arizona to let my family meet Jinky in person for the first time. We spent a few days staying at my parent's house and another few days at my brother's. I think my family has a lot better understanding of our relationship. They were aprehensive about it in the beginning.

This goes way beyond mere apprehension.

[chri'stina 190]

I just want to thank all the people who have taken time to reply, I appreciate it!

At this time, the thought of living with them for a couple months freaks me out.

You shouldn't welcome anything like that as long as they're hell-bent on changing you. The time they spend here will drive you further away from them as they act in typical desi parent fashion (read dominating and bossy) and you recoil away in response. Bad idea.

Keep it long-distance for now, expectations will temper with the passage of years.

I'll take your word for it. In general though, I think that having in-laws live with you for a little while can break down barriers if both sides aren't too stubborn about it. I just came back from a week's trip to Arizona to let my family meet Jinky in person for the first time. We spent a few days staying at my parent's house and another few days at my brother's. I think my family has a lot better understanding of our relationship. They were aprehensive about it in the beginning.

This goes way beyond mere apprehension.

I agree with Gupt.

I know what you are saying Steven, but in this situation it's more than just barriers. It might be better said it's like 10 ft thick steel walls. I don't know if you have ever known very traditional orthodox Hindu Indian parents. Of course I want to meet them and visit them. Just not live with them.

Edited April 14, 2007 by stina&suj

[ELW 5]

I don't know if you have ever known very traditional orthodox Hindu Indian parents. Of course I want to meet them and visit them. Just not live with them.

[chri'stina 190]

Just wanted to add...

This isn't a daily worry for me. Once in awhile the issues resurface b/c my inlaws will bring it back up. That's when I get frustrated again. Sujeet knows it and tells his parents not to expect unreasonable things from me. So then it dies down for a few months, then resurfaces again. Oh well! What can ya do.

It's not like they are totally against me. They sent 2 very pretty sarees with Sujeet for me. I know it's customary for parents to give their daughter in law sarees, so that was nice. At least they aren't ignoring my existence. I am a respectful person to them, but I guess they still don't understand that I am not going to transform into an Indian. It's true that more years will have to pass before they really realize that.

[one...two...tree 2,762]

Just wanted to add...

This isn't a daily worry for me. Once in awhile the issues resurface b/c my inlaws will bring it back up. That's when I get frustrated again. Sujeet knows it and tells his parents not to expect unreasonable things from me. So then it dies down for a few months, then resurfaces again. Oh well! What can ya do.

It's not like they are totally against me. They sent 2 very pretty sarees with Sujeet for me. I know it's customary for parents to give their daughter in law sarees, so that was nice. At least they aren't ignoring my existence. I am a respectful person to them, but I guess they still don't understand that I am not going to transform into an Indian. It's true that more years will have to pass before they really realize that.

There's a very funny movie called, East is East - about a Pakistani man who married a British woman but he tries to hang on rigidly to traditions. Worth seeing if you haven't already - might help you to laugh a little about your situation, Stina.

Salford fish-and-chip shop owner George Khan expects his family to follow his strict Pakistani Muslim ways. But his children, with an English mother and having been born and brought up in Britain, increasingly see themselves as British and start to reject their father's rules on dress, food, religion, and living in general.

[RaspberrySwirl 20]

Just wanted to add...

This isn't a daily worry for me. Once in awhile the issues resurface b/c my inlaws will bring it back up. That's when I get frustrated again. Sujeet knows it and tells his parents not to expect unreasonable things from me. So then it dies down for a few months, then resurfaces again. Oh well! What can ya do.

Yeah, I know what it's like.

I have the hardest time around holidays and family visits, etc. I'm very lucky that D.'s family has been really nice to me.

I do miss my parents (Well, mostly mom >.>) but it mostly just upsets and angers me that they can't accept us into the family. Not unless we convert, of course... >.<

It's not like they are totally against me. They sent 2 very pretty sarees with Sujeet for me. I know it's customary for parents to give their daughter in law sarees, so that was nice. At least they aren't ignoring my existence.

That's always a plus. Hehe.

Edited April 15, 2007 by RaspberrySwirl