Just could use a tad encouragement or something

[KHURRAM SERAJ 0]

You are a wonderful woman for Sujeet.

I agree that this is probably true.

You know, you've mentioned this thing about Sonia before. I've never heard any Indian people who like her attempts at assimilation, everyone I know sneers at it. I find this whole Sonia angle very strange. If you asked me, I'd suggest you (or anyone) try hard to be as un-Sonialike as possible!!

probably true?

Maybe they secretly dislike Sonia but are just using it to try to change me? lol

I am sorry for what you are going through, thoug my situation wasn't the same but my wife is from a shiite family and my family an orthodox sunni and we have ran into our share of "family issues" and can understand you frustration, that being said I think you are doing an excellent job adopting some of Indian culture and all the while keeping your own as well. Just beleive in the fact that some people will never be happy no matter how much you change but hopefully your in-laws will realize soon how much you do for your husband and how much you have given up.

Wishing you good luck

Thank you, same to you also. Sound's like your situation has been complicated too!

yes very ....it gets complicated when people start talking about "betraying your religion", oh well water under the bridge , I married my sweetheart and i couldn't ask for more

[MichelleandCraig 1]

Oh Stina, I'm really sorry to hear this because the person that you are just *shines* through on this board...and it's never anything bad I'm seeing, trust me! Sujeet should be so glad to have found you (and I *know* he is!) and his mom/dad should be just as glad for him. One thing I've learned in life though (and I'm aware I'm not saying anything you don't know here!)is that sometimes you just have to live your own life and be as happy as you can be, because you can't please everyone. You are doing absolutely nothing wrong, and I would bet that you've gone above and beyond for these people...it's their loss. I know you don't dislike or disrespect them...and I don't mean that you should (at all! quite the contrary..it's great that you want to please them)...I just think they're asking too much. You've given us examples in your post of ways you've incorporated the Indian culture into your lives...both because you wanted to, and because it's a natural thing (as you said) with Sujeet being Indian..but you ARE American...and there is NO way you should have to give up who YOU are because you married someone who is not. It's really great that Sujeet defends you, as his wife,(wouldn't have expected any less from him!) but...I have to think that as much as you hurt over this, he has to hurt even more being torn between loving you and his parents. How sad for you both (all).

There's really nothing I can say to you except you are a shining example on this board of a good-hearted truly wonderful person.. that is SO easy to see ...even never having met you...(and probably never will) It's obvious. Your inlaws should be as grateful as Sujeet is that he found someone like you. Not at the least, you can at least be grateful that it's Sujeet's parents wanting you to change and not your husband himself...he loves you for who YOU are. See...always something to be grateful for even when it doesn't seem like it! It's a tough, tough situation, but just keep trying and in the meantime...just live your lives for you and Sujeet and pay it no mind...you know that somewhat overused one, but I love it still....God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can,and the wisdom to know the difference. Sometimes it's hard to accept the things we can't change, hey??

I'm lucky to be blessed with absolutely wonderful inlaws who love me (and I them...very much) and who don't want me to change at all...but I definitely hear you on being able to get together with them, etc...we talk about it often. It's heartbreaking to think that very, very rarely..if ever...will be able to all get together for Christmas, ourbirthdays, big days...rarely will be able to all even sit down to a meal...his parents, mine, and us....it's sad and hard...but worth it too.

I wish you all the best with your situation...( and baby dust!!!) M.

(F)

Edited April 13, 2007 by MichelleandCraig

[ELW 5]

You should tell them, Sonia was a white lady who settled in India, so she became Indian. Suj is an Indian guy who settled in the US,

Actually, Gupt DOES have a point (except for the Sanjaya part *rolls eyes*). If you were living in India like Sonia maybe you would adjust more to a traditional Indian wife (and it would seem more natural too). But your guy has moved to the US and there is absolutely no reason for you to be an Indian villager in an US city! Your in-laws are living in a fantasy world!!

I lived in India for 21 years, and during that time I wore the kumkum on my forehead, only owned and wore saris, had no other shoes except one or two pairs of chapels (flip-flops), never looked gents in the eyes, cooked ONLY Indian dishes… and a thousand other traditional Indian villager behaviors dictated by culture. But after coming here I removed the kumkum and blended into America! Now my guy says when he comes here he wants to adjust too. You are already blending the cultures to a comfortable extent, and I think that’s great!

I have never met my in-laws either. His parents were all for our marriage back in the old days when they craved 2 lakhs ($4,000) dowry. Now they are against it because they are afraid once their son comes here, he may not return. I'm not worried. We can only do our best, can't please all of the people all of the time. Anyway how many in-laws here in the USA have happy, ideal, perfectly loving relationships?

We can moan more and share ideas about in-law heartaches if my guy gets the visa and moves here.

[one...two...tree 2,762]

Stina, hats off for your honesty.

It seems to me that families hang on to whatever they believe defines who they are (culture, religion, traditions). Is there any chance you can have them come and visit you both here in the states? I think a good couple of months of living with you would soften them up a bit. Also, I think it's important to realize the things that both families have in common, that are much deeper and go beyond just cultural identity. Hopefully they will also realize what a treasure their son has in you and you don't have to be Indian for him to have a great marriage.

[chri'stina 190]

Michelle-Thanks for that post. It's true that I just have to be who I am. Thanks for the encouragement!

ELW-I'm sorry that you are facing a hard time from your future in laws too. I hope everything goes smoothly for you and your fiance. It's good to know of others going through the same thing who can relate to what I am saying.

Steven-Thanks for your post too. At this time, the thought of living with them for a couple months freaks me out. I would like if they would be able to visit in the future, but right now might not be the right time yet. And it might be very hard for them to get tourist visas to come.

[Alex+R 0]

Is there any chance you can have them come and visit you both here in the states? I think a good couple of months of living with you would soften them up a bit.

LOL that's kind of asking a lot, isn't it?

[ELW 5]

Is there any chance you can have them come and visit you both here in the states? I think a good couple of months of living with you would soften them up a bit.

LOL that's kind of asking a lot, isn't it?

Agreed

[ajames79 0]

Ya know...I I am lucky to not have to go through this bit of cultural shock with my inlaws and husband to be. I wish you the best of luck. I know in the end that you will be fine. Your husband loves you for who you are and he wouldn't have fallen in love with you otherwise. You can not please everyone and you are doing your best to bring his parents around. Keep the communication up with Suj and let him reassure you so that you aren't feeling all this pressure. It will not do you any good to supress it.

You I know will be just fine. You have such a kind heart!

[onwa 6]

Sometimes we just have to let go of our expectations. If you dreamed about having a wonderful relationship with your in-laws, and it hasn't happened, just let it go. It may happen someday. Its easy to get down on ourselves when we think about what our spouses have given up to be with us in the US. But its best to turn that into gratitude towards your spouse (not saying you're not doing that) and to shake off any guilt or condemnation that will only counterproductive in your relationship.

[Queen Jenn 0]

Stina, hats off for your honesty.

It seems to me that families hang on to whatever they believe defines who they are (culture, religion, traditions). Is there any chance you can have them come and visit you both here in the states? I think a good couple of months of living with you would soften them up a bit. Also, I think it's important to realize the things that both families have in common, that are much deeper and go beyond just cultural identity. Hopefully they will also realize what a treasure their son has in you and you don't have to be Indian for him to have a great marriage.

Oooooooooo. IMHO, I'm not sure if I would want them to come here and stay with you. While there is a chance that it would soften them, there is also a chance that it would create a living HELL for you if they continue with their "you're not good enough" #######. Sooo, I would just be very grateful for a loving husband (which I can tell he is, from what you have posted) and not worry too much about what they want. You can't please everybody and you have done plenty to blend your cultures already.

[RaspberrySwirl 20]

You are a wonderful woman for Sujeet.

It's very true. You can see it from the joy in his face in all the pictures of you two. You can tell just by the way you write about him. He's lucky to have you, and your in-laws need to wake up and realize this, and soon. In the meantime, you keep being a wonderful wife, and they'll have to realize just how happy you make him.

So I say again, you are a wonderful woman for Sujeet. Just please, whatever you do, don't start calling me your surrogate mother-in-law.

Couldn't have said it better.

Stina, you're a wonderful person. Don't let this get you down. If it happens, it happens. And if not... Well, I still haven't figured out that part myself.

I hope in time my parents will realize just how much D. means to me and accept him as my husband.

::hugs::

[chri'stina 190]

Thanks for all the replies! It just feels good to vent about it sometimes to people who are not right in the middle of the situation with you. I'm feeling much better today. Thanks for the input.

You are a wonderful woman for Sujeet.

It's very true. You can see it from the joy in his face in all the pictures of you two. You can tell just by the way you write about him. He's lucky to have you, and your in-laws need to wake up and realize this, and soon. In the meantime, you keep being a wonderful wife, and they'll have to realize just how happy you make him.

So I say again, you are a wonderful woman for Sujeet. Just please, whatever you do, don't start calling me your surrogate mother-in-law.

Couldn't have said it better.

Stina, you're a wonderful person. Don't let this get you down. If it happens, it happens. And if not... Well, I still haven't figured out that part myself.

I hope in time my parents will realize just how much D. means to me and accept him as my husband.

::hugs::

Thank you very much! I know some days it doesn't bother me, and other days it does bothers me.

I also pray and hope that your parents will realize that you are happy with D, and will soon put aside their traditions or ideas and happily accept D as their son in law. hugs back to you!

[KarenCee 3]

You should tell them, Sonia was a white lady who settled in India, so she became Indian. Suj is an Indian guy who settled in the US, so he will try to be like Sanjaya.

What a choice of person to tell the guy to become as an American! Sanjaya?

Oh for heaven's sake...this was a joke! Laugh!

Stina, I wish I had some words of wisdom for you. My MIL appears to like me (at least I hope so) although she has made a few comments to me...one in particular kinda hurt. She made the comment - to me - that "if only Joel had gotten off that computer and out of the basement he might have met someone". I was too stunned to even respond. Even Towanda was silent on that one! I know my MIL isn't fond of her son living in the States, regardless of the fact that she has family in the States. I think a lot of in laws feel that way too, but they don't seem to realise what it makes the daughter or son in law feel like inside. Or if they *are* aware, then they're just horsebutts. Just MHO and no reflection at all towards your in laws.

Time. Hopefully given enough time they will come to see you as the one Sujeet chose as HIS wife and respect him and you. *hugs*

[w¡n9Nµ7 §£@¥€r 123]

Is there any chance you can have them come and visit you both here in the states? I think a good couple of months of living with you would soften them up a bit.

Bad idea...

Edited April 14, 2007 by Gupt

[w¡n9Nµ7 §£@¥€r 123]

At this time, the thought of living with them for a couple months freaks me out.

You shouldn't welcome anything like that as long as they're hell-bent on changing you. The time they spend here will drive you further away from them as they act in typical desi parent fashion (read dominating and bossy) and you recoil away in response. Bad idea.

Keep it long-distance for now, expectations will temper with the passage of years.