Who does my filipina wife take marriage advice from?

[Horus 6]

30 minutes ago, cyberfx1024 said:

According to a regular American man like myself Tampo is a no go. We do not mean a simple hehe kind of tampo like I think you are referring to, but a serious temper tantrum like my 3 year old would do over something really stupid. Some playful tampo is fine, but alot of pinays tend to completely overdue it and act like children. 

 

Seriously throwing tampo because your hungry???? Not going to fly in my book, I would tell you if I wasn't hungry or just ate "either get something to eat or don't bother me with that bs". Yes, I have done it before with my asawa: she complains about a headache but then does nothing to alleviate that said headache, then don't get telling me it hurts. 

Hahaha, yeah. It's kinda terrible, I know. Most of the time, I don't even know I do it until I actually have food in me. I get upset over the tiniest things when I'm hungry and not just with my fiance but with my friends too. My family and friends know well enough that when I'm pissy and snappy that I probably haven't eaten yet.

 

I know what you mean though when it comes to overdoing tampo. It can get reaaaaaally too much. But I honestly think it's more of the situation Philippines (though I've seen more of this in Korea). Like when Filipinos date, the guys tend to reaaaaaally spoil the girls, to the point that they walk all over the guy and the guy rolls with it because as soon as your married, the switch flips and we're expected to serve the husband. It's something I've always struggled with. I'm glad my parents aren't traditional and that I've traveled to different places most of my life because I could never do the submissive housewife bit myself (not knocking it because my mom was the best housewife and mom ever). ANYWAY, this is just my theory, but when Filipinos date foreigners, especially from the west, the flip doesn't happen because maybe they think it's different in the States. Westerners will tolerate it a lot more the male Filipinos would, is the thought they have at the back of their head.

 

I'm probably talking out of my ### now, though.

 

I don't think my fiance minds when I do the whole tampo thing because... well it doesn't last long with me and it rarely happens, and again it's mostly when I'm hungry hahaha.

 

(I can't cook to save my life so my fiance just makes the food for me).

Edited May 31, 2017 by Horus
correcting buys to guys

[Cyberfx1024 7,980]

1 minute ago, Horus said:

Hahaha, yeah. It's kinda terrible, I know. Sometimes I don't even know I do it until I actually have food in me. I get upset over the tiniest things when I'm hungry and not just with my fiance but with my friends too. My family and friends know well enough that when I'm pissy and snappy that I probably haven't eaten yet.

 

I know what you mean though when it comes to overdoing tampo. It can get reaaaaaally too much. But I honestly think it's more of the situation Philippines (though I've seen more of this in Korea). Like when Filipinos date, the buys tend to reaaaaaally spoil the girls, to the point that they walk all over the guy and the guy rolls with it because as soon as your married, the switch flips and we're expected to serve the husband. It's something I've always struggled with. I'm glad my parents aren't traditional and that I've traveled to different places most of my life because I could never do the submissive housewife bit myself (not knocking it because my mom was the best housewife and mom ever). ANYWAY, this is just my theory, but when Filipinos date foreigners, especially from the west, the flip doesn't happen because maybe they think it's different in the States. Westerners will tolerate it a lot more the male Filipinos would, is the thought they have at the back of their head.

 

I'm probably talking out of my ### now, though.

 

I don't think my fiance minds when I do the whole tampo thing because... well it doesn't last long with me and it rarely happens, and again it's mostly when I'm hungry hahaha.

 

(I can't cook to save my life so my fiance just makes the food for me).

Totally agree with you on this. But I have seen tampo last for a couple days with my asawa especially when she first got here to the U.S.. Some westerners tolerate but a number of us don't tolerate it at all. I told my wife straight up that even if she does that it won't change my mind, even more so if you do it.

 

A majority of pinoys aren't like you and can not travel to other countries let alone other parts of the Philippines. So you are very lucky that you are lucky to do that.

[Horus 6]

8 minutes ago, cyberfx1024 said:

Totally agree with you on this. But I have seen tampo last for a couple days with my asawa especially when she first got here to the U.S.. Some westerners tolerate but a number of us don't tolerate it at all. I told my wife straight up that even if she does that it won't change my mind, even more so if you do it.

 

A majority of pinoys aren't like you and can not travel to other countries let alone other parts of the Philippines. So you are very lucky that you are lucky to do that.

It was also the reason why my first relationship with a Filipino was pretty much dead on arrival. It tried to be the typical Filipina, timid and soft spoken - trying to hide my own brand of crazy till after the marriage - but the crazy broke through. Again not knocking my fellow Filipinas and Filipinos, I just realized that my crazy is better suited with westerners.

 

I know I'm very lucky though in that sense. If I had been stuck in the Philippines, I'm pretty sure I would be the Filipino version of the cat lady. But with dogs.

Edited May 31, 2017 by Horus

[The.Fab.Ella 17]

Many of you are right referring to "tampo".  Know also that after "tampo", the Filipina woman usually expects a "suyo", which means you've got to "woo" her back. These are concepts that are difficult to understand in the Western world where people are more straightforward and tell it like it is, as opposed to Filipinos who are normally shy and afraid to speak their minds, and hoping that by their actions, their husbands will pick up and read their minds.  Of course, this is bad for a relationship as this usually means mind games and emotional blackmail.  This is not an excuse for the Filipinas.  But know that our culture, our upbringing and a myriad of other things contribute to that.

 

On the brighter side, I would also like to share that most Filipinas are eager to please their partners and can easily adapt, and so, there can be ways to reduce (or eliminate) this "tampo" in the long run. I am no expert but let me share what we as a couple are doing about it.  The husband, though a Filipino, has been in the US for two-thirds of his existence, therefore, has adapted to the American way.  I, living in the Philippines,  am guilty of "tampo" (my version is just being quiet, not talk to him) and of expecting he would read my mind and do what I am expecting him to do, and he clearly doesn't like that.  So we sat down and discussed it.  He made me understand that I should speak my mind and he would not be offended by it, as he would rather know exactly what I feel and need and shouldn't be held guilty for missing a "paramdam" (I am not sure if "sending feelers" is the right term for this?).  Me, on the other hand, because there is really no excuse for this behaviour, has resolved to recognize a "tampo" in its early stages and nip it in the bud. Usually, what works is asking myself "Is this really worth throwing a tantrum for?" plus always going back to the thought that I should only be thankful that I found someone who is very good to me. That usually solves it, my mind focuses on the positive and the desire to change for the better.  We have also agreed that if my silent treatment persists, he would just give me a hug and ask what he could do to make me feel better and that I should just hug him back and say I'm sorry so we can start discussing what's bothering me. Thankfully, we didn't have to do that for a long time now.

 

I hope you find the right fix that suits both of you.  A heart and mind in the right place can overcome any challenge.

[RO_AH 1,659]

19 hours ago, The.Fab.Ella said:

Many of you are right referring to "tampo".  Know also that after "tampo", the Filipina woman usually expects a "suyo", which means you've got to "woo" her back. These are concepts that are difficult to understand in the Western world where people are more straightforward and tell it like it is, as opposed to Filipinos who are normally shy and afraid to speak their minds, and hoping that by their actions, their husbands will pick up and read their minds.  Of course, this is bad for a relationship as this usually means mind games and emotional blackmail.  This is not an excuse for the Filipinas.  But know that our culture, our upbringing and a myriad of other things contribute to that.

 

On the brighter side, I would also like to share that most Filipinas are eager to please their partners and can easily adapt, and so, there can be ways to reduce (or eliminate) this "tampo" in the long run. I am no expert but let me share what we as a couple are doing about it.  The husband, though a Filipino, has been in the US for two-thirds of his existence, therefore, has adapted to the American way.  I, living in the Philippines,  am guilty of "tampo" (my version is just being quiet, not talk to him) and of expecting he would read my mind and do what I am expecting him to do, and he clearly doesn't like that.  So we sat down and discussed it.  He made me understand that I should speak my mind and he would not be offended by it, as he would rather know exactly what I feel and need and shouldn't be held guilty for missing a "paramdam" (I am not sure if "sending feelers" is the right term for this?).  Me, on the other hand, because there is really no excuse for this behaviour, has resolved to recognize a "tampo" in its early stages and nip it in the bud. Usually, what works is asking myself "Is this really worth throwing a tantrum for?" plus always going back to the thought that I should only be thankful that I found someone who is very good to me. That usually solves it, my mind focuses on the positive and the desire to change for the better.  We have also agreed that if my silent treatment persists, he would just give me a hug and ask what he could do to make me feel better and that I should just hug him back and say I'm sorry so we can start discussing what's bothering me. Thankfully, we didn't have to do that for a long time now.

 

I hope you find the right fix that suits both of you.  A heart and mind in the right place can overcome any challenge.

This is an amazing post and great insight into the cultural differences.I will also say that your asawa is very lucky to have someone so insightful and willing to grow and change.

[The.Fab.Ella 17]

2 hours ago, RO_AH said:

This is an amazing post and great insight into the cultural differences.I will also say that your asawa is very lucky to have someone so insightful and willing to grow and change.

Thank you for your kind words, RO_AH.

[audacieux89 256]

On 5/29/2017 at 8:18 AM, johhny1971 said:

My wife and I have been married 3 years.  It seems to me that someone throughout the marriage has been advising her how to act and what to do - who are these people and what are there goals?  Is her intention to stay married or secure a life where she can make a good living?  Shes a nurse and has her own job, makes good money, but seems to have other ambitions.  My wife and I have 10 years age difference - between us - and despite being so close her immaturity is ridicules at times.   When she doesn't get her way I feel like ive married a teenager on hormones.  A couple of times she even called 911 to tell the police she was depressed and not happy with our marriage.  The police even came to our house and took her away on a 5150 health evaluation because of her calling them and they thought she was a harm to herself.  Who is telling her to be this way? Why? She was nothing like this when we dated and got to know each other... does anyone have any insight on this?  I have no Filipino friends I can talk too - she does...

She might be taking advice from friends, co-workers, siblings, cousins, she might be even taking advice from websites (about relationships/married life) or from people on forums (just like this one in VJ).

 

It would be best to tell her your concerns, ask her, listen to her, and know why she is feeling this way and how you feel about it. She might be feeling something is missing from your relationship or something has changed? Do you know any of her friends? Family? Maybe you can voice out your concerns to them...and maybe they can help you out.

 

I don't think it's a Filipina thing...you can't generalize every Filipino woman. But the people above are the ones we usually take advice from.

 

Hope you two can work it out.