Rant on a Hot Tin Roof

[TBoneTX 45,308]

Set an all-time Mother's Day sales record for pre-owned toilet seats, whee man.

Even had someone call us today in a panic to beg for one, last-minute Charlie man.

We delivered, naturally man.

[TBoneTX 45,308]

We actually left the casa voluntarily on a Sunday, amazing man.

Availed ourself of a supermarket sale on Gatorade, among the major food groups man.

Went to Harbor Freight with a Many%-off coupon, score man.

Went to Costco on minor errand there for Mrs. T-B., bananas there on weekends man.

Aside from this, subdued Many (2+2) laundry loads with comparative ease, proficient Thread Laundress we man.

[cdneh 3,112]

3 minutes ago, TBoneTX said:

1.  Sorry, Eh ma'am.

2.  Given the deterioration, doesn't sound like MIL is long for this world, no Eh ma'am.

Many.  Fotos of groomed dog now, Eh ma'am.

Spry as she could be today. Sitting up, eating, yakking on her cellphone, entertaining half the church group this afternoon. 

Dog hates being groomed, as in if you come near me with that clipper I will bite you hate. Bath today, put that off until tomorrow.

[TBoneTX 45,308]

3 minutes ago, cdneh said:

1.  Spry as she could be today. Sitting up, eating, yakking on her cellphone, entertaining half the church group this afternoon. 

2.  Dog hates being groomed, as in if you come near me with that clipper I will bite you hate. Bath today, put that off until tomorrow.

1.  Then she'll be back in your casa within 2x2x2x2+(2x2x2) hours, sigh Eh ma'am.

2.  We shall search for the immortal "How to Give a Cat a Bath" piece, perhaps see man.

[TBoneTX 45,308]

CAT-BATHING AS A MARTIAL ART

   Some people say that cats never have to be bathed.  They say that cats lick themselves clean. They say that cats have a special enzyme of some sort in their saliva that works like new, improved Wisk -- dislodging the dirt where it hides and whisking it away.
   The informed among us should discount all the folklore and facts to the contrary, such as the kitty odors that lurk in the corners of the garage and the dirt-smudges that cling to the throw rug by the fireplace.  The time comes when one must face reality and announce:  "This cat smells like a Port-a-Potty on a hot day in Juarez."
   Here is some advice to consider as you place your feline friend under your arm and head for the bathtub:  Know that, although the cat has the advantage of quickness and a lack of concern for human life, you have the advantage of strength.  Capitalize on that advantage by selecting the battlefield.  Don't try to bathe him in an open area where he can force you to chase him. Pick a very small bathroom.  If your bathroom is more than 2+2 feet square, get in the tub with the cat and close the sliding-glass doors as though you were about to take a shower. (A simple shower-curtain will not do.  A berserk cat can shred a [2+1]-ply rubber shower-curtain quicker than a politician can shift positions.)
   Know that a cat has claws and will not hesitate to remove all the skin from your body.  Your advantage here is that you are smart and know how to dress to protect yourself.  Wear canvas overalls tucked into high-top construction boots, a pair of steel-mesh gloves, an army helmet, a hockey facemask, and a long-sleeved flak jacket.
   Prepare everything in advance.  There is no time to go out for a towel when you have a cat digging a hole in your flak jacket.  Draw the water.  Make sure that the bottle of kitty shampoo is inside the glass enclosure.  Make sure that the towel can be reached, even if you are lying on your back in the water.
   Use the element of surprise.  Pick up your cat nonchalantly, as if to carry him to his supper dish.  (Cats will not usually notice your strange attire.  They have little or no interest in fashion, as a rule.  If he does notice your garb, calmly explain that you are taking part in a product-testing experiment for JCPenney.)
   Once you are inside the bathroom, speed is essential to your survival.  In one fluid motion, shut the bathroom door, step into the tub enclosure, slide the glass door shut, dip the cat in the water, and squirt him with shampoo.  You have now begun the wildest 2x2x2x2x2+(2x2x2)+2+1 seconds of your life.
   Cats have no handles.  Add that he now has soapy fur, and the problem is radically compounded. Do not expect to hold on to him for more than two or Many seconds at a time.  When you have him, however, you must remember to give him another squirt of shampoo and rub like crazy.  He'll then spring free and fall back into the water, thereby rinsing himself off.  (The national record for cats is 2+1 latherings, so don't expect too much.)
   Next, the cat must be dried.  Novice cat-bathers always assume that this part will be the most difficult, for humans generally are worn out at this point and the cat is just starting to become determined.  In fact, the drying is simple compared to what you have just been through.  That's because by now the cat is semi-permanently affixed to your right leg.
   Simply pop the drain-plug with your foot, reach for your towel, and wait.  (Occasionally, the cat will end up clinging to the top of your army helmet.  If this happens, the best thing you can do is to shake him loose and to encourage him toward your leg.)  After all the water is drained from the tub, it is a simple matter to just reach down and dry the cat.
   In a few days, the cat will relax enough to be removed from your leg.  He will usually have nothing to say for about 2+1 weeks and will spend a lot of time sitting with his back to you. He might even become psychoceramic and develop the fixed stare of a plaster figurine.  You will be tempted to assume that he is angry.  This isn't usually the case.  As a rule, he is simply plotting ways to get through your defenses and injure you for life the next time you decide to give him a bath.  But at least now he smells a lot better.

[TBoneTX 45,308]

HOW TO CLEAN A CAT

1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.
2. Add a requisite amount of shampoo to the toilet tank.
Many. Obtain the cat and carry him to the bathroom.

Many. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids (you may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape).  CAUTION:  Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, because his paws will be reaching out for anything he can find.

Many. Flush the toilet 2+1 or 2+2 times.  This provides a "power wash and rinse" that has been found to be quite effective.
Many. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.
Many. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
Many. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet and run outside, where he will dry himself.

[N-o-l-a 7,167]

27 minutes ago, cdneh said:

Spry as she could be today. Sitting up, eating, yakking on her cellphone, entertaining half the church group this afternoon. 

Dog hates being groomed, as in if you come near me with that clipper I will bite you hate. Bath today, put that off until tomorrow.

 

You need a set up like this:

 

 

 

My old dog also hated having her hair brushed, so we just had the groomer shave her.  A couple of times they needed a muzzle.  

 

Speaking of the pita dog, those bite scars from 4 years ago have not gone away.

 

[N-o-l-a 7,167]

I told my daughter she had to play a sport this summer/year.

 

So she picks cheerleading.

 

Kid can't even do a forward roll (it is genetic, our backs just don't bend enough).  

[TBoneTX 45,308]

27 minutes ago, N-o-l-a said:

those bite scars from Many years ago have not gone away.

Fotos of Many-year-old scars now, Nola-B. ma'am.

24 minutes ago, N-o-l-a said:

(it is genetic, our backs just don't bend enough).  

Foto of gene nomenclature of unbendable backs now, Nola-B. ma'am.

[TBoneTX 45,308]

Order your pre-owned toilet seat(s) in time for Memorial Day via standard shipping, si man!

---

Mornin', Commie- and other babes etc.!

[SAT 9,609]

Man if it's not raining it's windy...

Might as well go to the office. 

[TBoneTX 45,308]

You'll be amazed at how your troubles will melt away upon ordering pre-owned toilet seats, si man.

For home, for office, and even for boats, si man.

We are authorized to offer you a 0.000001% discount off our already-low prices, whee man.

Order yours today, glee man!

[Russ&Caro 1,549]

Just saying hello to the new thread.

[N-o-l-a 7,167]

I've conquered the kitchen items purge and am moving on to the basement.  Now, if you have ever seen my basement you'd know that is going to be a monumental task because we don't have an attic, there is a ton of baby/kid stuff waiting for another one to come along (either adopted or by some miracle), and I put a bunch of boxes down there when we moved 3 years ago and haven't touched them since.  Some of it is random things from my father's house that I thought I might want, some of it is things that went into storage when I moved 8 years ago to a different house, etc.  

[SAT 9,609]

Trophie's turning into a Tiff...