Helping Fiance Settle?

[Phoenix314 9]

I apologize if this isn't the right place for this- wasn't really sure where to post.

 

I'm the US petitioner, and my fiancé is French living in the UK. One thing we've struggled with throughout the whole process is that he absolutely loves his job, and although we work for the same company (different branches), he can't work remotely/has to quit his job to move to the US. I recognize that this is a decision that he has to come to terms with, and we've been very open throughout the whole process about that it's important that he doesn't hold that against me or feel resentful of me for giving it up (the headquarters is in the US, and there aren't that many openings in the UK, among other things), but lately I'm growing more and more concerned the longer he's working at his current job, the more he'll end up regretting giving it up, and I don't really know what I should do. Have any other non-native Americans been in this position before, and any advice/suggestions about what you did? Is it better that I call things off so that he's happy and we don't take that risk? 

[Coco8 1,042]

I would just take into account that nowadays nobody works for the same company or has the same job forever. That used to be the case a few decades ago, though.  Who knows for how long he would have the job he has now. Maybe he would eventually get bored.

 

I understand that you have doubts, but at this point you are in process of K-1 and both of you want to marry each other. I think it is normal to be concerned about changes in life. I also think that it is normal for you to be concerned about what he is going to do in the US. You are concerned because you loved him. Also, I don't think you should ever make decisions for other people. If he is going ahead with the plan, it is because he wants to. 

 

Are you sure he cannot get a job at the US branch of the company? I guess it depends on what he does but I know several people who were able to get jobs in other countries within the same company. Another option is that we could try to study something (an MA maybe?) and that way he can make friends and get another job he likes. 

 

Anyway, when my boyfriend move half around the world for me, my biggest concerned ended up being how to get him to make new friends (he didn't really like mine and we couldn't be together all the time). 

[Cryssiekins 976]

I'm from Canada and husband is the USC who petitioned a K1 for me. 

 

I was in a substantially similar situation to what you described.  I LOVED my job in Canada.  The company was amazing and my boss was just the best boss you could ask for.  It was a great salary, pension, profit sharing and more.  It took me 7 years to get to that position and and about 7 months after starting it is when Kevin proposed to me.

 

We talked endlessly about options.  Considering everything from spending our life together in Canada to me commuting (we live right by the Canadian border), but at the end of the day we decided given what we wanted for our life together, it was best for me to come to the US.  

 

It was tough, really tough, to walk away.  I got very emotional during my resignation, but it was for the best.  The company I worked for also has the parent company in the US (domiciled in NE but home office is in southern CA) and I have looked at positions for some of the regional offices and I hope to one day be able to rejoin, but for now I have taken a similar position (same industry, different level) and some of the concessions have evened out (4 minute commute so less gas money etc to account for the $3 less per hour)

 

I keep in touch with my old boss and as much as I miss it every day, not once have I ever had even the slightest feeling of resentment towards my husband.  My heart is so full finally being able to see him everyday and have him by my side.  That, is more important, than any job, even the best job.  He's my partner for life and irreplaceable.  Jobs, well they are a dime a dozen.  You can always earn money somewhere but you can't replace your true love.

[Phoenix314 9]

Thank you all for the responses- I really appreciate it.

 

He has a PhD in engineering, so I have no doubt he can get a job somewhere (he's a really bright guy <3), and it's likely that he could even get a job in the same company, but it's very unlikely he can get one at the same group. Part of why we did initially decide to come here was that in theory he could find something that he'd like, but I think he's thinking of all the great positive things that he has right now (he also loves Europe.) I don't want to make a decision for him, but I don't know how to shake the fear that he'll resent me or it will make him unhappy.

 

We have talked about it, and he said he still wants to do this (despite all of that), but I'm also uneasy feeling like as all of this negativity builds up he'll "change his mind." That's not exactly the best way to start a marriage either...

[Russ&Caro 1,549]

The advice given above concerning couples counseling is not a bad idea. Think of it as proactive, preventative health care. Resentment can be a poisonous thing if not taken care of early. You're right to be concerned. A PhD in Engineering should afford him a lot of opportunities here. Can you match him up with an executive recruiter before he even gets here? Granted, he won't be able to work until after marriage and then after he receives an EAD card, but if it's a recruiter that's willing to work with you, that person can show your fiancee the lay of the land and some positions that he may be qualified for in the future.

 

Best of luck to both of you.

[mallafri76 1,012]

Have you talked to your fiance about this? The first thing that struck me is that you're doing the K-1 visa.... If a career and working is important to your fiancé, then the CR-1 visa would have been the way to go. With the K-1, he will have to wait months after immigrating before he can really do anything in the US. With the spousal visa, he has a green card the second he sets foot in America and can do anything he wants. Sounds like you guys chose the shortest way to be together without considering the implications.

 

If he loves Europe, then he's in for a shock once he moves over here. America is nothing like the rest of the western world. 

 

As long as you talk about these things, you'll be fine. Make sure you know what's ahead, plan for it and prepare. Don't let it be a surprise. I knew I wasn't gonna like living in the US but right now, my husband can't leave the US and we love each other so we decided for me to move over. It was something we discussed and decided together, so there is no resentment. I think that's the key, talking and making the decision together.

[TabeaK 517]

I did this. Gave up my dream job in Europe to move to the US for my then fiancé/now husband.

 

It was ridiculously hard to leave my life in Europe even though I had no doubt I wanted to be with my partner. The waiting period after the K1 in the US was brutal, I would not go down that road again. I was depressed and miserable not being allowed to do anything, missed my work, my family, felt completely worthless.

 

I found a really good job 6 months after moving to the US - in my field, good company, interesting field. That helped tremendously. I still miss my old job and my old life in Europe. Living in the US is very different and I am not entirely adapted to that yet - that is a process that takes years in my experience. I also don't yet know if I will be happy staying in the US forever.

 

Never would I resent my spouse for any of this though. I made the decision to join him and he is doing everything he can to support me and we are better when we are together.

[dub42 17]

i left my life/job in Ireland to come to USA and going from 5 weeks holidays per year to 5 days holidays a year (in my 1st year) really sucked more than I thought it was. 

[shc1111 2]

The wait period between coming to the US on the K1 and being able to work was too much for my now ex husband. Going from having a fulfilling career to literally having no work for months is extremely difficult for anyone. It can be done with the right person, but I think it's important to think through how they can spend their days and time when work is not an option. We got married within days of him arriving to file the paperwork quickly, but you're looking at 3-6 months of no job, and not being able to leave the US. I wish it was an easier transition, but my advice is to prepare for that, find ways for them to fill their days, and set expectations. Best of luck to you!