Wife Been Arrested

[Transborderwife 4,666]

2 minutes ago, f f said:

there are fee wavers if you can not pay for it but being able to cover the i864 might be a problem then. I agree with the above post that child protective services will come after you if your children show signs of abuse at school. and again the kids should be your concern not your wife

Op does not qualify for a fee waiver for the AOS

[Ray & Andrea 39]

I will put in my thoughts here because I can feel your pain, sorrow, fear, anger, sadness....all the way in Texas.  First off, as someone who grew up in a home with an abusive, depressed woman as a mother, whose father did nothing to help me, I have to say "kudos" for doing what was right by your kids and yourself.  Relationships, even marriages, unfortunately, do not work out all the time, but your kids are your kids, for the rest of your life.  You owe them 100% protection...they do not need to see you being abused and they do not need to be abused.  MENTAL ABUSE IS MORE DAMAGING THAN PHYSICAL ABUSE...BRUISE FADE, CUTS HEAL, BUT THE MENTAL DAMAGE, NEVER, EVER GOES AWAY. TRUST ME!  You have to do what is right...these are minor children who, can be taken away from you, at the drop of a hat, if she returns.  This problem is bigger than you...you can't fix her.  I am sorry that some people on here said "you did her in" when you called the cops.  That is not a true statement...ANY GOOD PARENT WILL DO WHAT HAS TO BE DONE TO PROTECT THEIR CHILDREN AND THEIR HOME.  NOBODY IS WORTH LOSING YOUR CHILDREN FOR.  

 

MOST OF ALL...PLEASE REMEMBER...LOVE DOESN'T HURT.  IT DOESN'T THREATEN.  IT DOESN'T CAUSE HARM.  I am so sorry that you are experiencing such a difficult time.  I say you need to reach out to the police since you are now considered a victim of domestic abuse and ask them for resources....they should have free resources, including legal advice, for victims of crime.  

 

I will pray for God's Will to be done...for you, your children and for your wife.

 

[Miss M 54]

This is by far one of the saddest posts I've read on VJ in a while. OP, in my mind, there are no 'what if's' in this instance because there are children involved - children who are afraid of your wife.

Divorce and move on; let her worry about her immigration status.

If you're still really concerned, focus on helping her to get home but don't have any contact outside of helping her get out of your life.

[DeadFish 1]

15 hours ago, TheResistance said:

attacked by their step mother.

Dont move forward with any of this... divorce, separate, whatever you need to do. Get Out Now. Reading all of this sounds like a disaster.  It's not a solid foundation, and USCIS or NVC will sniff out this domestic violence report when a police certification is requested. She is unstable, and will probably become a charge to the state ( welfare, food stamps, etc.) leaving you on the hook for 10 YEARS!!!!  10 YEARS of paying her ride... and at this moment you cant get your car fixed or barely make rent? Think long and hard, but its stacked against you. Protect your kids... find a NEW step mom that is loving and caring. Good luck. 

Edited April 17, 2017 by DeadFish

[trudi 1,317]

I am a step mom, God help anyone who tries to harm my step daughters, I love and care for them as my own.

it is incomprehensible to me that you can marry someone if you hate their children - before we married my husband and I agreed that the welfare and happiness of the girls comes before anything else, it just cannot be any other way in my mind.

 

i wish you the strength to do what needs to be done for your children's sake.

[Boiler 45,584]

Obviously we are getting only one side.

 

She has been here nearly a year.

 

Came with no money so presumably has none.now

 

No hope it seems of legal status, ho health Insurance it appears, no job etc etc

 

Not a nice position to be in.

[A'n'L 735]

I feel you both. Your situation is quite horrible, for both of you. But, more importantly, it is intolerable for the children. Everyone is giving you good advice here, divorce and keep your distance. Protect your children. Make sure the mother, teachers and other caretakers are aware of what the children have witnessed, so they can be monitored and receive timely help should they need help processing the impressions they've been subject to. A child psychologist might be worth considering.

[TheResistance 6]

16 minutes ago, Boiler said:

Obviously we are getting only one side.

 

She has been here nearly a year.

 

Came with no money so presumably has none.now

 

No hope it seems of legal status, ho health Insurance it appears, no job etc etc

 

Not a nice position to be in.

She has health insurance now. What happened was after we got married, insurance company told me I had a month to send a copy of marriage certificate. It took the county 6 weeks. So she had none for half the year. Needed only a few things but nothing major at the docs, but of course high rates. We did some stuff at the county office. Now she is on insurance as of January, but of course hit with the "government no healthcare " penalties on taxes too. Plus anything I made make they took away anyway from me.

She is at a friend's now. She is ordered not to have contact with me for a month until her next hearing.

I read all your posts and taking heart to a lot. Logic and emotions conflict. Do I call USCIS, just for basic info or to protect myself from any lies she tells them? Do I wait a month after her hearing? She is not coming back home unless she gets serious, professional help for months. That is the only way this could be salvaged. I will not just "take her back." If she can not learn to love and respect the kids, she can go. But, of course as most of you say, if she stays she could make me pay for her for 10 years. See, my mind is conflicted so please do not criticize me.

All just so much and I am hoping my pastor can at least get me a lawyer to speak to.

[Lenchique 48]

23 hours ago, TheResistance said:

I have been dreading posting back to this site for a long time. I do not need to be criticized or attacked please. I am tired and I am scared. I just need some help and answers. Okay?

My last post mentioned some serious hard times. We still could not afford AOS because of higher rent, car repairs, medical bills, etc. Money, money, money. I did not get the raise I thought I would. Bills just go up (living expenses) and we done what we could to keep food cost down. Did not have cell phones (until last month, just cheap Tracfones), nor TV or cable. With everything that happened since the summer, it takes me 5 weeks of pay to satisfy rent every 4 weeks. I have been tying to find more work. She could easily craft things we could sell, but she gives them away for free instead. Even a few bucks could have helped and she would not feel like she is "worthless." Since then there was counseling and such, and things got a pinch better. There has always still been tension. Even my oldest daughter (11) was always still uneasy, and was still waiting for an apology how the wife treated her some months back (but the wife does not believe in apologizing to children, she should be respected by them). Months got on and the wife is fine with the younger boys but avoids the girl. She and I still have fights that make me really sick. Then she gets on some pills for high blood pressure and anti depressants (which she poured down the drain Friday night). Weeks been okay until Friday night. All kids were here for sleep over. Daughter is complaining about the living room set up (wife wanted to try and make more room for the kids). Anyway the wife, who lately has something against the girl, started yelling at her. She went into the bathroom crying and I told the wife not to be yelling at her. Throughout the night, she kept yelling at her mainly, and the younger boys. She even called my daughter a in front of the 8 and 5 year old boys. Every now and then (this is a small one bedroom place) I try to calm her but it does not work. My car is broken so I can not just take the kids out, but this is their home and they need to feel safe. Eventually the wife (not the first time) tore apart the bedroom, through things that broke, and grabbed my shirt and ripped it (there were massive scratches on me I did not know about until later, and we will come to that). The kids were getting scared (again). All these months of help came down to this. Maybe I could just have taken them out in the dark, waiting for their mother to come get them. Anyway, the kids did not need to be yelled at like that, nor see their daddy, who is tough and strong, attacked by their step mother. To protect the kids, I did the hardest thing and called the cops. The police came over to calm her down (and the kids were still here). None of her friends would come get her so I was hoping the police could take her out (because she would not leave) and find someone to take her. Instead, they questioned her and told them I attacked her. They ended up questioning the kids (their mother was finally here) and got from them that I did not attack. They arrested my wife for domestic assault. It ripped my heart to see her cuffed and crying and screaming my name. She called me Saturday, on a recorded call, saying how I will pay and she will never forgive me.

At this point, I am trying to find someone to pick her up from jail tonight and take her home with them. We can not be together. I did this to protect the kids. The cops I spoke to agreed with me due to her unstable mental state. I have been going around this scenario in my mind on what to do. The kids need a stable home. I have worked hard to give them that. Trying to find what could have been done differently but then this would just happen again, as it always does. One cop said maybe this is her wake up call.

Anyway, this is where I am at. Now, I do not know what to do at this point. Cops said to get a restraining order on her (which I have to take an unpaid day off from work tomorrow and find a way downtown since my car is down, and I got really no one who will take a day off from work to take me, nor money for cab or Uber (if that is trusted). Another thing, and this is the main thing I am asking... do I report her to the USCIS? I know she will "make me suffer so the kids get no more child support and starve" and report me to them for "mentally abusing her." Is this now a "who will report to USCIS" first situation? I only want one of two things:

> I want my wife. I want her to get serious help for months before we could be alone together. She will need to fix things with me and kids.

> She go back to her family to the Philippines.

She may end up staying with friends (she still has no AOS or SSN because SSA screw up her last name and told us to wait that "it will be fixed and ok" then we were denied any fixings)and I will end up supporting her, and if so will face eviction because I cannot give the money she may demand.

I will take valid advice from people on what to do about the USCIS right now please. Do I report her for this? Do I leave it? Do I get a lawyer with money I do not have? Do I wait for her to make a move, if she does?

Again, I am hurt. My kids are hurt. My wife is sick and scared and lonely in jail. I do not need to be criticized right now. I need some support from people who have gone through this.

Thank you.

Dear fellow American, you did the right thing. You need to have confidence that you did do the right thing, you acted as any father would- you protected your children. 

 

Although it stressful to transition to a new country, and isolation and cultural transitions can aggrevate mental health problems if the individual has has poor coping reserves. From what you described, as a mental health clinician, it seems this woman lacks not only coping skills but may have tendencies of retribution and poor emotional regulation. I don't want to even think she may have sociopathy tendencies, but the fact that she has NO remorse for hurting you, or hurting hurting your home or your daughter, and then tells you "you are going to pay" tells me she has little empathy and has high entitlement.

 

I would look at the situation logically: is she or she not a good match for your family? Since she is abusive or has tendencies of abuse, can you actually trust her to be nurturing to your children? You may have feelings for this woman but feelings of love rarely keep a home together. It is compatibility and respect that does. She does not seem to respect you or your home or the children. Apologizing to children is actually just as important as apologizing to an adult. If she wronged them she owes them an appology. If she has beliefs "they are children they don't get an appology" then she clearly has different view of children. In America, children are persons and have as much rights (if not more) as adults. Her worldview seems diametrically opposed to yours. Her values seem to be in conflict with yours.

 

If I were you, I would leave her sitting in Jail until court. Get a restring order (eve of that means taking time off work), and file for divorce. I believe she needs to be sent back home. From the looks of it, she not only a bad Match for you, she may endanger your children in the future. Always choose tie kids over your future spouse. There are PLENTY of awesome women (ESP like Eastern Europe) who, if respected and treated with dignity) will be awesome step-mom's to your kids and married partners to you.

 

my encouragement is to send her home packing. I'll be willing to send you $ to help you w the divorce filing. Do absolutely NOTHING for this woman anymore. Bring her belongings and clothes to her in jail so that she never has a need to step foot on your property.

 

You not are not alone. We are with you. You were brave to bring this woman over. But sometimes our judgement can be off. You made a bad judgement on this woman but not all is lost. You still have an out with her. 

Edited April 17, 2017 by Lenchique

[sparkles_ 456]

You're in NC. You tell her to check herself into a place called Sandhills, it's a central NC, sliding scale mental health facility. They do in and out patient but IMO she could benefit from staying there. It's one of the few sliding scale places that are not the true lockdown, state funded mental hospitals. Please google Sandhills and contact them. She should seek a DV perp counseling course for at least 20wk and a parenting class. You can drop the charges against her in NC....I'm just letting you know this, I'm not condoning you doing this but you do deserve to be informed. But I would make it contingent on the DV class...and having her give the therapist permission to release the therapy notes to you so you see progress. 

 

I know the the human aspect to this is hard to deal with. You can't just stop loving a person due to one pivotal negative moment. 

Edited April 17, 2017 by sparkles_

[Lenchique 48]

6 minutes ago, Lenchique said:

Dear fellow American, you did the right thing. You need to have confidence that you did do the right thing, you acted as any father would- you protected your children. 

 

Although it stressful to transition to a new country, and isolation and cultural transitions can aggrevate mental health problems if the individual has has poor coping reserves. From what you described, as a mental health clinician, it seems this woman lacks not only coping skills but may have tendencies of retribution and poor emotional regulation. I don't want to even think she may have sociopathy tendencies, but the fact that she has NO remorse for hurting you, or hurting hurting your home or your daughter, and then tells you "you are going to pay" tells me she has little empathy and has high entitlement.

 

I would look at the situation logically: is she or she not a good match for your family? Since she is abusive or has tendencies of abuse, can you actually trust her to be nurturing to your children? You may have feelings for this woman but feelings of love rarely keep a home together. It is compatibility and respect that does. She does not seem to respect you or your home or the children. Apologizing to children is actually just as important as apologizing to an adult. If she wronged them she owes them an appology. If she has beliefs "they are children they don't get an appology" then she clearly has different view of children. In America, children are persons and have as much rights (if not more) as adults. Her worldview seems diametrically opposed to yours. Her values seem to be in conflict with yours.

 

If I were you, I would leave her sitting in Jail until court. Get a restring order (eve of that means taking time off work), and file for divorce. I believe she needs to be sent back home. From the looks of it, she not only a bad Match for you, she may endanger your children in the future. Always choose tie kids over your future spouse. There are PLENTY of awesome women (ESP like Eastern Europe) who, if respected and treated with dignity) will be awesome step-mom's to your kids and married partners to you.

 

my encouragement is to send her home packing. I'll be willing to send you $ to help you w the divorce filing. Do absolutely NOTHING for this woman anymore. Bring her belongings and clothes to her in jail so that she never has a need to step foot on your property.

 

You not are not alone. We are with you. You were brave to bring this woman over. But sometimes our judgement can be off. You made a bad judgement on this woman but not all is lost. You still have an out with her. 

 

[TheResistance 6]

23 hours ago, Transborderwife said:

No bond is common in DV cases.  

There was a $1000 bond. A bonds guy for $150 was used to get her out at 2a.

[Lenchique 48]

29 minutes ago, TheResistance said:

There was a $1000 bond. A bonds guy for $150 was used to get her out at 2a.

Who will be footing that bill? Remember that while you are married she is your financials liability.  The day you file is the day all liabilities get divided. 

 

Also, do NOT have any physical contact with her. She can give herself bruises and then say you did that to her. 

[Ontarkie 14,237]

No contact means no contact. Do not even talk to the friend, that's still contact.

Therapy will not work. She needs to want to change and she does not. You making her do it so she can stay will only make her fake it. Yes she can fool the them ppl like her know how to play the system. 

Stick your heart in the top drawer of your dresser and think only with your brain. Once you do that is will get easier. 

[Transborderwife 4,666]

3 hours ago, TheResistance said:

There was a $1000 bond. A bonds guy for $150 was used to get her out at 2a.

How long was she in for?