Wife Been Arrested

[TheResistance 6]

 

You don't have to give her anything.  No money.  No support.  No phone calls.  Nothing.  You owe her nothing anymore.  She can do it all herself.  She's a grown woman.

 

You love and miss the woman who abuses you and your young children?  Please, man, get some psychological help.  You are a victim of abuse.  Many people have told you about free resources: make use of them. 

Love is not something that can just be tossed out. I spent time with her online for 2 years every day. Flew out there for two weeks. Married her. I loved her, as well as every single human here with a success story or not. Everyone loved someone and it is not easy to toss away. Yes, I can still love and miss someone even if they do something wrong and am sure, as it has before, in (long) time will fade. But that love is also built on trust and respect and all that good stuff... which is gone. So, much of the actual in love is gone too right now. It just does not disappear over night.

As stated before, when I have my own transportation again, I do plan to get some help on what I am going through.

I also have reread every post and have seen I asked questions that have already been answered. So, I am working on an updated post.

[EmilyW 1,443]

I would also not be worrying about her finances, given you don't have sufficient money to support yourself.  She's a big girl.  She got herself into this mess.  She can get herself out of it.

[sparkles_ 456]

You need to make an infopass and try to pull your affidavit of support. No you don't have to give her anything, NC rarely grants alimony in divorce proceedings unless it is a long term (over 5yr) marriage and one where the woman has never worked during the marriage. Don't be so nice as to give her a dime when she is making you out to be the bad guy. She is probably going to try the vawa route, let her. Literally only worry about you and your own wellbeing at present. 

 

You're right that love isn't a light switch. Hell, I shed tears over the ending of my first marriage, which was abusive and whom I sponsored, for months after. You mourn the loss of someone you built a life with, the loss of the person they acted like (it was all an act, by the way, that's abusers for you), and you also have to deal with the sinking loneliness even if they hurt you. It's like dealing with a death. 

 

Xoxo. All I can say is I get it. 

Edited May 8, 2017 by sparkles_

[Joe&LuMa 77]

But..as I remembered, she did't  do AOS and she didn't get EAD, so .. she practically cannot work and earn money for her self. That is why he is asking now if he has to support her financially until the situation is resolved.

[sparkles_ 456]

5 minutes ago, Joe&LuMa said:

But..as I remembered, she did't  do AOS and she didn't get EAD, so .. she practically cannot work and earn money for her self. That is why he is asking now if he has to support her financially until the situation is resolved.

That is why it is so important to revoke the i864 asap and let uscis know they are separated and why. 

[TheResistance 6]

So tomorrow is the protection order hearing. I got word from the Legal Aid of NC, from filing with InterAct about a lawyer coming, that none is free to be with me. So, I be going at it alone. The letter they sent me said to grab as much proof of things she said, etc. All day I have been going through so much in Skype logs and emails to find exactly what is needed for this order. Most of it was verbal. Bits in text. Got pics though of what she caused on me that last night (not not of the bedroom) but other pics (in the past year) of the bedroom and kitchen (but that one is barely see-able due to lights being off). So, tomorrow I will get Lyft again and get there in the morning. Solo. I know I have to do the one year. My main reason doing the one year is to discredit her if/when she decides to take more action against me. Like this VANA thing (where I did nothing but tried hard to make her happy). What if she does want to report me for whatever she thinks? InterAct says the one year protection order will hold more weight. I just want to protect myself from any retaliation. She may not, but then again based on threats that is what I have to go by. Breaks my hearts.

I still not been able to find any free legal aid. I like to know what happens if I do not show up for her June 1st hearing (again I will end up being alone on it). What am I supposed to take? What do I do? What if defender she has wants to talk to me. Do I? No, I do not want her to go to jail. I am not going to show cruelness to someone even if they did. Not how Jesus wants me to be. I rather see her back in her country with her family if she has no intention to fix up her life here.

We never started the I486. The last papers we did were K1 and marriage. Never had quiet enough funds to start AOS. Never printed up the forms either. I even told her we take it out of my 401k to start the process but she refused. So no 486 has been started ever.

I am sure I am forgetting something.

Edited May 8, 2017 by TheResistance

[Villanelle 4,122]

5 hours ago, TheResistance said:

 

I am still rereading everything to understand more on what is going on. And of course some of these upcoming questions were probably already answered.

 

Do I still find a way to give her money? She is my wife and I am supposed to be supporting her. Do I still support her if I get the one year protection order tomorrow? Do I still support her if she stays in this country? I do not know if she wants to move o with her life, or fight for alimony to "make the kinds go hungry." I have no idea what to do about this. She can report my to her immigration contacts that I do not support her, yes?

Sometimes in the protection order hearings things like who is going to live where are addressed. I believe they also address things like you can not shut off any of her stuff (like phone or electric at house) even if they are in your name and shes getting the benefit from it. I mean,,, I dont think this was brought up but you are getting a divorce right? Like youve decided that and its official, its just when you have the time to actually file. (right?)

 

So some of that they might address, some they will say is the divorce courts problem to figure out. To answer your questions-

 

Unless the court directs you to give her money, you can not give her anything. The order will be for NO contact remember? So no speaking, no being near each other and no giving stuff to each other. (Now the last one is going to be hard and will be probably flex a little during a divorce.- You can do any of the previously mentioned- talk, be near each other, and exchange stuff- when its done in the court or ordered by the court.) So being youre separating stuff the court will probably make arrangements for her to get her stuff. 

 

But all your questions have the same answer, its a divorce court matter. It doesnt matter that shes an immigrant or you guys have DV issues. For everyone, its a divorce court issue. The other things make it more complicated, but thats it. 

 

Now as or USCIS- you never filed for AOS yet right? If you havent then theres absolutely nothing you need to do with USCIS. You wouldve filed the 864 with the AOS packet. You didnt file, so theres no 864 to cancel. 

 

The aff of support you filled out for the K visa is long expired. So there is no aff of support for her because she is not legal. She was legal when she came on the K visa. Then she had 90 days to marry (which you did) -- then the K visa expires- she needed to file the AOS packet in order to get the "protected status" from it. See once a K visa holders 90 days are up, they dont have status. They have to file AOS to get status. Its a protected status and you stay in it until they approve your GC (or deny it). 

Your wife has no status currently. And with the present immigration climate- shes in big trouble. She needs to get in status and quick. Otherwise she is going to be deported. Now obviously you are not going to be filing for/with her- so her only choices would be to leave or to file VAWA. Dont worry if she tries to file VAWA. There is no negative implication to you from USCIS or any other part of the gov if she files (approved or denied). The only time the spouse on the other side of the VAWA needs to worry is if its criminal related. If the spouse fakes injury and tries to get the person arrested for DV. You and she are past this point. You will not be alone with her from this point forward so theres no way such a claim could be made criminally at this point. 

 

5 hours ago, TheResistance said:

There were questions people asked me above. Trying to find them...

 

No, I do not plan to delete anything right now form these boards. You never know, they may help me later, and someone else.

 

Just to update, I have been talking to the abuse hotlines still and eventually when I get a car again of my own (been getting rides back and forth to work for a month now, and of course them on salary they can be late very day and I lose time) I will be getting myself into some abuse/(future) divorce classes or something, and some anitanxiety meds from doctor with all this stuff. Also, the kids are so much happier and less stressed coming over my place again.

 

Yes, I love her and miss her so much, but I am doing the best I can to think logically to protect myself right now.

The fact that you love and miss her really shows how much you need therapy. There are online options you know. But either way, dont put it off. Make it a priority. 

 

 

5 hours ago, TheResistance said:

 

Oh, and she seems to be making herself the victim based on her Skype mood message and the Facebook account of our journey together she made a couple of years ago. Posted things about how God delivered her from harm and how people are always going to be liars. I since deactivated my Facebook account (not that I eve used it ever) and signed off Skype (since she the only person I talked to on it). I just do not need to see any of that right now. I just hope she does not go crazy with my family/friends she knows on Facebook.

 

Will go back to reading all these posts....

Its your call how you want to handle your friends and family. I would say- they are YOUR friends and family. Not HERS. People that are clearly "yours" you should have no problem going to and telling what really happened. They will be on your side because they are loyal to you over her. People that are "both of yours" that you both know equally-  who knows what they will do or think, since they know you both- hopefully they will nod and say they saw it in her. If they dont, then they dont. You may have to learn to let people go who believe her stories.... But people that are "hers"- They will be on her side and believe any nonsense she says. But who cares? Dont bother trying to convince them of what really happened. Believe me they know the truth but they just cant go against her because of their relationship.
 

[TheResistance 6]

I can not get the hang of those buttons for quoting....

 

@Damara

 

"Sometimes in the protection order hearings things like who is going to live where are addressed. I believe they also address things like you can not shut off any of her stuff (like phone or electric at house) even if they are in your name and shes getting the benefit from it. I mean,,, I dont think this was brought up but you are getting a divorce right? Like youve decided that and its official, its just when you have the time to actually file. (right?)"

 

This is according to the lawyer you sent me some documents, and telling me no one can be with me tomorrow.

 

"The purpose of this court is to decide whether one-year Domestic Violence Protective Orders (DVPOs) should be granted. The judge in civil domestic violence court does not decide whether a crime has been committed and does not send people to jail for domestic violence. The judge is also unable to decide other matters, such as divorce, alimony or claims for money."

 

The only thing of her that we share is her prepaid cell phone. She has it, I paid for the minutes. She will probably get someone to charge her on it. Else, just the name on the lease. If the judge lets her back in... I just can not live with her anymore. We are both betrayed by one another, nor can the kids then come over. If divorce is going to happen in the future, I will do the channels then since we have to be living apart for 6 months for even an official separation, then 6 months after that for divorce according to NC (if I read it right).

 

I have nothing of hers but some mugs, her sewing stuff. That is it. If she goes back tot he Philippines, she not be taking it. Many times in the past she claimed to make sure I get everything back, even the ring. She even claimed so many times she will pay back every cent I have spent on her. I told her, in the past, I will never take money from her.

 

"Now as or USCIS- you never filed for AOS yet right? If you havent then theres absolutely nothing you need to do with USCIS. You wouldve filed the 864 with the AOS packet. You didnt file, so theres no 864 to cancel."

 

Then I guess I will not worry about her complaining to them I am not supporting her then.

 

"The only time the spouse on the other side of the VAWA needs to worry is if its criminal related."

 

So if she calls them saying I have mentally, emotionally, and verbally abused her, they are not going to bother coming after me to see if she telling the truth? Will they not find a way for her to dip into my pay to support her living in America while she can be free to do whatever she wants?

 

"The fact that you love and miss her really shows how much you need therapy. There are online options you know. But either way, dont put it off. Make it a priority. "

 

I know I do, but limited to phone calls to 24 support lines at the moment. As I said, when I can drive again, I be looking to go places. I can go to InterAct easily after work when I want. I want to check out other places too. I need a long time healing in all this, and it barely has begun yet in my mind worrying about what she plans to do. Online options, not sure what you mean. I have called places, done abuse tests, and a chat with one site. Other than reading information, I really just need to cry with someone. Ug!

[Villanelle 4,122]

https://greatist.com/grow/resources-when-you-can-not-afford-therapy

 

 

[sparkles_ 456]

In NC, if you don't show up the case will switch from you pressing charges to the state against her. It means that any lesser charge she would be given can't be contested by you because no appearance is agreement by default. NC doesn't drop charges when one party doesn't show. 

 

 

[trudi 1,317]

I wish we were closer so we could give you support today, I'm sorry that you find yourself alone through this but just keep your children at the front of your mind and answer any questions truthfully.

Remember that although you're hurting right now she has shown no love, compassion or kindness to you or your children and you all deserve better.

[Mary Lou 681]

Your work doesn't offer an Employee Assistance Program? Please find out if they do, that can be a start of getting you the help you need. 

[TheResistance 6]

@Mary Lou, no. I am just a contractor and the company I am with does not do things like that. I get no sick time or other stuff.

 

Today, again alone and scared, I won with 6 months, but not easy win. Due to our complicated situation, this is what the judge felt he had to do. Was in there all day since 9-3p. Waiting. We were the last case in another courtroom, and I was almost falling apart.

 

She modified the truth (and we swore on GOD'S WORD in there); first thing out of her mouth was what the ex did last year; claimed she never saw the scratches on me; she had two "witnesses" to when they came to grab her bags. One said she saw me cry with no tears. She blamed me for her damaging her toe, saying I did it by forcing her on the bed yelling at her, when in fact she banged it on the bookcase and even said so to the cops. She brought up the ex this and the ex that and what my supervision rights are with the kids. She focused on that.

 

She is not the same person I knew her to be. Defending herself from things she did. She used all the K1 papers to justify her being taken care of by me (she will do this on June 1st am sure). Now I have to wait for that day.

 

She even changed her hair color, wow. Figures.

Edited May 8, 2017 by TheResistance

[sparkles_ 456]

3 hours ago, TheResistance said:

@Mary Lou, no. I am just a contractor and the company I am with does not do things like that. I get no sick time or other stuff.

 

Today, again alone and scared, I won with 6 months, but not easy win. Due to our complicated situation, this is what the judge felt he had to do. Was in there all day since 9-3p. Waiting. We were the last case in another courtroom, and I was almost falling apart.

 

She modified the truth (and we swore on GOD'S WORD in there); first thing out of her mouth was what the ex did last year; claimed she never saw the scratches on me; she had two "witnesses" to when they came to grab her bags. One said she saw me cry with no tears. She blamed me for her damaging her toe, saying I did it by forcing her on the bed yelling at her, when in fact she banged it on the bookcase and even said so to the cops. She brought up the ex this and the ex that and what my supervision rights are with the kids. She focused on that.

 

She is not the same person I knew her to be. Defending herself from things she did. She used all the K1 papers to justify her being taken care of by me (she will do this on June 1st am sure). Now I have to wait for that day.

 

She even changed her hair color, wow. Figures.

You don't worry. What the police report says at this point is worth its weight in gold because it contains the statement of you and the officer's account of the scene. The officer who came will also wither testify in person or give a sworn written account if he/she can't come to court that day. Believe me, I think judges all across the land have excellent BS detectors concerning DV and changing up the story on the part of the person being charged. Did you get a copy of the police report yet? You need to get one. Much, much bearing will be given to what is said in that. And honestly, the fact they arrested HER and not you says a lot...it means the report is most certainly in your favor. Crying or not is irrelevant in court proceedings, and her toe issue is also irrelevant unless she mentioned in the report.....trust me, probably didn't. 

 

Your custody issue has ZERO bearing on this. Let her keep mentioning your ex, she is digging her own hole.  Also, her K1 papers don't mean squat anymore. That affidavit is pointless after the 90 days are up, I think it is called i134 but someone can correct me. You didn't file the AOS i864. Man, you didn't file AOS so she has no hope on the planet to enforce an affidavit you didn't even file yet! Next time you go, you tell the judge that the K1 affidavit is NOT binding on the same term length as the AOS affidavit. It even says so in the fine print of the K1 affidavit you filed. Educate yourself on this and be prepared to sink her battleship concerning leeching off you with only a K1 and no AOS even filed. 

 

 

Side note, you don't have to win a no contact order to ensure she gets charged with DV. It certainly helps, and let me tell you as a male who won a 6mo order in NC, you're on the right track. 

 

Wake County Volunteer Lawyers Program 
(919) 828-4647
Ext. 22
PO Box 1731
Raleigh, NC 27602

 

In case you feel like legal aid isn't handling your stuff right, or if you even just want a 2nd opinion on things. 

 

[TheResistance 6]

I mainly felt like getting the extended protection order to add weight to whatever she may try against me.