Wife Been Arrested

[trudi 1,317]

Where in NC are you? My husband and I would be happy to give you moral support if you're near us

 

please find strength to do to do what needs to be done & concentrate on YOUR healing, you cannot begin to heal until you make a 100% break.

[TheResistance 6]

I went to court today. Yes, alone. I saw her and she has 4-5 people with her.

We sat in the court and they did their things. The judge had her come up and told her that she has this one charge on domestic assault and she faces 60 days in jail if convicted. Then asked about hiring a lawyer, getting one from state, or defending herself. Sh opt for the state lawyer. Then the DA had me fill out this form about a bunch of things about her and what she did, witnesses, etc. Now there is that hearing on June 1st, along with the one this upcoming Monday I have to go to on the protection order.

Now, do I need to get a lawyer (which I can not anyway) because she has one that will probably defend her to the point on attacking me and blaming me for everything, or I have no reason because I am not the one on trial? DO I still have to bring any proof to either of these hearings? Like picture of the scratches? Chats from her? Emails with my pastor on her actions? Do I need any of it? The DA has not returned my calls.

[Villanelle 4,122]

Obviously this is very overwhelming for you. 

 

Slow down a bit and take time to re-read everything posted the last few pages. Ive offered you advice (as having been there) as well as others (who have been there). I know its a lot to take in and it seems everyone is yelling at once at you and you dont know where to begin.

If you want to message me you can- others have made the same offer, I hope you take someone up on it 

 

--

Now, while this seems like the largest thing thats ever happened, its really small fish to the courts. No one is going to be bending over backwards from the court to help you because thats just not how it is. Small fish and all... But that doesnt mean theres no help at all. You just have to put in the effort on your side.

 

One thing people dont realize, and I think its from watching too many court TV shows; the courts move very slow. Like molasses slow. On TV theres the crime and the trial and sentence all in one neat little 1/2hr to hour. In real life its not like that. There is hearing after hearing. And they are weeks apart. So this was the first hearing she had. Did she enter a plea? If not, that will be next time. So at this hearing they told her of the charges and they advised her about attnys. At the next hearing her attny may enter her plea- if none was entered yet, and then ask for time to work on her case. Now I know what youre thinking- shes getting an attny now and wont be back in court until June 1st. So isnt that enough time and the attny should show up on June 1st fully prepped.

 

But thats not how it works. A conviction can be overturned if the attny claims they didnt have enough time to prep the case (or the previous attny didnt have time if a new attny is used). Courts HATE that, so they give you time when you ask and most attnys ask for it. Now there is a limit to the generosity given for more time, but almost always when its asked for its given. So do not start thinking on June 1 something will happen because it might not. 

 

The DA took your statement as well as a list of witnesses. Perhaps sometime between now and June 1 they will contact you to go over your statement. But they may not. They have hundreds of files and again small fish. They may wait until the day before or the day of to speak with you again. Because as I said so many times already- this is a huge thing in your life but its a small file in theirs. They also know probably nothing is going to happen on June 1, so its not a priority to speak to you.

 

What you can do is make an appt to speak with the prosecutor. Call their office and see when they can schedule you in. But only do this IF you feel you need to speak to them, or it would make you feel better. This is not a first degree murder trial. Its a simple DV. You seem like you are expecting big things to happen- (CSI coming to the home, evidence being collected, cross examination, jury trial, etc) You need to think of it more along the lines of traffic court.

 

In traffic court you dont present a complex case with evidence labels and graphs and expert testimony. Its very quick. Thats what this is going to be more like. 

 

As the victim, you dont need a lawyer. She needs one as the accused, but you dont need one. You can hire one, but it would only be to protect your rights and honestly there is not going to be an attack on your rights in something like this. You arent a celebrity, you arent a mega millionaire with trade insider secrets. You can count on the prosecutor looking out for you. (meaning objecting to any line of questioning that violates your rights or laws).

 

Any evidence you have you can give to the prosecutor but they may not be able to use, or may not even want it. Pictures may only be accepted if they were taken by the police. Otherwise who knows where they came from. Her attny would object to them being used.

 

These are things you can talk to the prosecutor about when you meet with them, or at the court if you dont meet with them. Also dont worry about what kind of story she tells as to how things happened. You seem to know shes going to paint a different story- one that casts you in a bad light, but so what? You are not on trial. Attnys are also allowed to provide an 'alternate scenario' of the supposed crime. Who knows what they will come up with...

Now for the restraining order hearing- that you should look into getting an attny for. She may have one, she may not. If you come with one, she may ask for time to come back with one (or vice versa). I personally think having one there is best, but many people do it with out attnys. Whatever you wrote on the application for the order is considered 'gospel'. You need to realize that was a sworn statement. Her atttny (if they know what they are doing) will obtain a copy of the request for the order you filled out and will question you about what you wrote and what happened. They are looking for variations between the two to show you are lying or exaggerating. Try to use the same words you used when you filled it out- but dont sound rehearsed. Remember they are looking for you to add embellishments- so dont. 

 

Thats why an attny can help you in the RO hearing. They can object to questioning, and they can ask questions of her in the hearing that can help you. The most important thing though is to tell the truth. If you do that you should be fine...

 

Finally about the no contact stuff. For the court case there is a no contact order. That simply means you and she can not talk about the case. Not directly and not through people. This is to prevent one person from intimidating the other or blackmail type stuff. If it was just the no contact order you guys could technically talk, just not about the case.

 

But you have a temp restraining order (order of protection). that means absolutely no contact at all. Zero. You cant speak, you cant even be physically near each other. As Sparkles said, they can come after you for attempting to violate it as well. You are also going to court to try to make this permanent. So as hard as it is, you have to cut everything off in regards to her. Dont worry about what shes doing or how shes doing. She is invisible now.

 

What kind of insurance do you have that doesnt cover mental health services? Almost every single one that I know of covers it. Most people just dont realize it. Sometimes its in the handbooks under substance abuse section. But if your company doesnt cover it (which is very odd) there are free services you can use. If you message me with the county your in I can try to find you something. 

 

BTW I am in NC also. OBX. But when I went through the courts it was in another state. Sparkles I believe has experience with the NC courts and has offered you help.

 

Hang in there!

 

[f f 725]

give all of your proof to the DA they will enter it as evidence if they think it will help. you do not need a lawyer for court since you are the victim here. stay strong.

[sparkles_ 456]

You only need a lawyer if there is anything against you when you called the cops? CPs hasn't visited you yet, right? Because in NC if two adults physically fight in front of minors then both could be charged with DV child neglect. It's a long shot, and since she opted for the public defender it probably won't happen but be aware. Not to mention NC has a 72hr turn around time for CPS.....99% you're clear on that. You're the victim, you don't need defending. 

 

Rigt now her PD will seek to get a plea deal for her charges most likely. That plea deal may involve speaking to you about what you want from this, and don't let them strong arm you unless you have been hurting her as well and know she can have evidence of it. NC has no real recognition of verbal abuse or emotional abuse in these cases unless it has been repeated documented by non biased sources like a therapist, so she can't flip the script and say you were mentally abusive for example. Judges see through that one here all the time.  

 

Something like mandatory DV classes and parenting classes in order to have her avoid jail time and get a lesser charge as well are probably happening. Maybe probation. NC also has the weird prayer for judgement thing going on where supposedly a person can get a one time free deal, but if they mess up again within 3yr they have to take both charges at once. Not sure if that applies to violent misdemeanors though. 

 

You may also contact the assistant DA if you can't reach the DA. Give them any evidence you have about how she was leading up to this and photos. 

 

What county are are you in? 

 

[sparkles_ 456]

Also if you need any mental health help at low or no cost, Sandhills center will provide it or will refer you to someone closer. It's in West End NC, south of Raleigh. 

Edited May 5, 2017 by sparkles_

[sparkles_ 456]

Also please know. She has a public defender, not an out of pocket attorney. The PD is just trying to lessen her charge, they are there to defend her not go hard against you. You're thinking like she has a paid lawyer who will tear you up.....negative. 

Edited May 5, 2017 by sparkles_

[TheResistance 6]

Thank you all for recent posts. Damara, you are right, so much info in so little time. Tomorrow, got the day to myself. Am going to take the time to reread all posts and reply back on anything I need to.

One thing that hit me tonight is what if she comes to these boards to see if I have been posting? I should remove to avatar and details, yes?

Although the title could be a dead giveaway, or even just matching her situation.

Gosh, I came up with a whole new thing to worry about.

Edited May 6, 2017 by TheResistance

[Ontarkie 14,237]

 

Thank you all for recent posts. Damara, you are right, so much info in so little time. Tomorrow, got the day to myself. Am going to take the time to reread all posts and reply back on anything I need to.

One thing that hit me tonight is what if she comes to these boards to see if I have been posting? I should remove to avatar and details, yes?

Although the title could be a dead giveaway, or even just matching her situation.

Gosh, I came up with a whole new thing to worry about.

If you want this post to be removed you can report it asking to remove it. 

[sparkles_ 456]

 

Thank you all for recent posts. Damara, you are right, so much info in so little time. Tomorrow, got the day to myself. Am going to take the time to reread all posts and reply back on anything I need to.

One thing that hit me tonight is what if she comes to these boards to see if I have been posting? I should remove to avatar and details, yes?

Although the title could be a dead giveaway, or even just matching her situation.

Gosh, I came up with a whole new thing to worry about.

It is not illegal to seek advice from anyone, be it public forum or your friend next door. You didn't slander her in any post I've seen, and you didn't give actual names and hard details.....rest easy. I'm pretty certain she is more worried over jail prospects than playing Google FBI to find anything relating to you, her, and the incident. 

[Villanelle 4,122]

If you want you can do as Ontarkie said. Read through everything and then use the report button (on any post in the thread) and ask for the mods to delete it. 

 

I dont think there is anything in the thread though that is worrying. Yes, theres a chance she may come to VJ to seek out advice on her side of the situation. You havent posted anything slanderous (as stated) nor anything that would comprise the case. 

 

If she comes seeking advice for herself, it would be for her to avoid charges with immigration consequences. To speak to an immigration attny as well as the public defender. Many public defenders dont know all the ins and outs of immigration court. For a USC taking certain plea bargains are great. For immigrants the same plea bargain can have serious immigration consequences. 

 

But once more, what happens in the court is not up to you. The case is being brought on by the prosecutor, NOT YOU directly. She has to answer to your state/county (not sure who is prosecuting) for what she did. This is not a civil matter of you vs her. Its the gov vs her. You are simply a witness and must tell the truth when questioned. 

[sparkles_ 456]

 

If you want you can do as Ontarkie said. Read through everything and then use the report button (on any post in the thread) and ask for the mods to delete it. 

 

I dont think there is anything in the thread though that is worrying. Yes, theres a chance she may come to VJ to seek out advice on her side of the situation. You havent posted anything slanderous (as stated) nor anything that would comprise the case. 

 

If she comes seeking advice for herself, it would be for her to avoid charges with immigration consequences. To speak to an immigration attny as well as the public defender. Many public defenders dont know all the ins and outs of immigration court. For a USC taking certain plea bargains are great. For immigrants the same plea bargain can have serious immigration consequences. 

 

But once more, what happens in the court is not up to you. The case is being brought on by the prosecutor, NOT YOU directly. She has to answer to your state/county (not sure who is prosecuting) for what she did. This is not a civil matter of you vs her. Its the gov vs her. You are simply a witness and must tell the truth when questioned. 

The state of NC is the one who brings charges in DV cases, it's to ensure the abused person doesn't drop the charge and the abuser walks. 

[Joe&LuMa 77]

Why not print It out before deleting? You may want to review all the good advice you had received..

[TheResistance 6]

I am still rereading everything to understand more on what is going on. And of course some of these upcoming questions were probably already answered.

 

Do I still find a way to give her money? She is my wife and I am supposed to be supporting her. Do I still support her if I get the one year protection order tomorrow? Do I still support her if she stays in this country? I do not know if she wants to move o with her life, or fight for alimony to "make the kinds go hungry." I have no idea what to do about this. She can report my to her immigration contacts that I do not support her, yes?

 

There were questions people asked me above. Trying to find them...

 

No, I do not plan to delete anything right now form these boards. You never know, they may help me later, and someone else.

 

Just to update, I have been talking to the abuse hotlines still and eventually when I get a car again of my own (been getting rides back and forth to work for a month now, and of course them on salary they can be late very day and I lose time) I will be getting myself into some abuse/(future) divorce classes or something, and some anitanxiety meds from doctor with all this stuff. Also, the kids are so much happier and less stressed coming over my place again.

 

Yes, I love her and miss her so much, but I am doing the best I can to think logically to protect myself right now.

 

Oh, and she seems to be making herself the victim based on her Skype mood message and the Facebook account of our journey together she made a couple of years ago. Posted things about how God delivered her from harm and how people are always going to be liars. I since deactivated my Facebook account (not that I eve used it ever) and signed off Skype (since she the only person I talked to on it). I just do not need to see any of that right now. I just hope she does not go crazy with my family/friends she knows on Facebook.

 

Will go back to reading all these posts....

Edited May 7, 2017 by TheResistance

[EmilyW 1,443]

You don't have to give her anything.  No money.  No support.  No phone calls.  Nothing.  You owe her nothing anymore.  She can do it all herself.  She's a grown woman.

 

You love and miss the woman who abuses you and your young children?  Please, man, get some psychological help.  You are a victim of abuse.  Many people have told you about free resources: make use of them.