Horrible life after K1 marriage - how to get out?

[Ebunoluwa 6,136]

I want to add that she is not allowed to work without the EAD card which she would get in about 90+ days after filing

for AOS.To get a driver's permit and license can also be impossible without EAD in many states.
I thought she already had her EAD because you mentioned driver's test and working.
Cant expect her to drive and work without the EAD.

Many beneficiaries feel frustrated and out of sorts when waiting to get the work permit because they are eager to

get out of the house and contribute. You said she isn't interested but really can't do anything without the EAD.
Just a thought.
 

[Raid123 10]

I understand this might be a vent for you to let the frustration out, but this is not the right place for relationship advices. We didn't hear her side of the story to judge.

 

My partner and I were in a long distance relationship for more than two years before getting married and we would spend about 8 months a year together (I had a tourist visa so I was coming to the States frequently or we would meet elsewhere to spend time together) and that time was great. When I came to the States on K-1 it was really tough. We were fighting like never before. It was a big adjustment for both. But now it's behind us and we are really enjoying our marriage. 

 

I don't think your wife is with you just for the green card. If she was, I guess she would try to be nice to you all the time. That is good for two things, her feelings for you are genuine and if you tell her the marriage doesn't work for you she might be willing to move back.

 

I strongly encourage you to talk to an immigration lawyer. 

 

Regarding the Affidavit of Support, she is your responsibility as long as she is in the country, so make sure she has some health insurance.

 

She will most likely never get deported unless she commits a crime. But she also won't be able to legalize her status without you.

[Transborderwife 4,666]

Just now, Raid123 said:

I understand this might be a vent for you to let the frustration out, but this is not the right place for relationship advices. We didn't hear her side of the story to judge.

 

My partner and I were in a long distance relationship for more than two years before getting married and we would spend about 8 months a year together (I had a tourist visa so I was coming to the States frequently or we would meet elsewhere to spend time together) and that time was great. When I came to the States on K-1 it was really tough. We were fighting like never before. It was a big adjustment for both. But now it's behind us and we are really enjoying our marriage. 

 

I don't think your wife is with you just for the green card. If she was, I guess she would try to be nice to you all the time. That is good for two things, her feelings for you are genuine and if you tell her the marriage doesn't work for you she might be willing to move back.

 

I strongly encourage you to talk to an immigration lawyer. 

 

Regarding the Affidavit of Support, she is your responsibility as long as she is in the country, so make sure she has some health insurance.

 

She will most likely never get deported unless she commits a crime. But she also won't be able to legalize her status without you.

The I-134 is not legally binding.  He is not responsible for her.

[randomstairs 300]

Let's see:

* She is only happy when you get upset. She gets upset when you feel upbeat.

* Single mother. Sometimes it works very nicely but it usually does not. It's biology.   

* Frequent drinking. For most women 1 drink per day is the limit of moderation. Maybe 2. If you think this is a problem, it surely is. 

* She is not interested in improving her life (doesn't seem interested in learning basic skills like driving or even English).

 

This is hopeless. Clinical depression can be the problem and it is marginally treatable but don't expect much. Other than that, the situation seems hopeless. 

[aaa2zzz 27]

I am going to add my little advice here with the caveat that I do not know you and I do not know her. 

Having said that, I lived in Ukraine for a long time, was formerly married to a Ukrainian and have many, many, many married friends, both Ukrainian and mixed (Ukrainian wife and American/etc. husband). And what I say applies equally to Russian and Belarusian people (although Belarusians tend to be calmer) But for simplicity, I will only refer to Ukrainians in this post. 

First thing to remember, is that Ukrainians have a much higher tolerance for argument in a relationship. I know many happily married Ukrainian couples. I mean, they have great marriages and are both quality people. But, they argue a lot. Eta normal.  Ukraine is a matriarchal country. The women are almost never calm and passive. They are strong willed and they expect their man to be the same. By your not arguing and wanting peace and harmony, she instinctively sees you as weak or not interested in her. Can you live with that? Arguing is a normal state with her.  This is  a cultural difference. It is a major reason why very few marriages work out between American men and Ukrainian woman. Only a very mature-minded woman Ukrainian woman and a confident American man can make it work. It can be easier if you remain living in Ukraine together--for reasons I will not go into.  You have to be willing to be the one that likes to argue more, and wear her out. Can you do it? You have to keep the attitude that you do not care a rat's posterior if she is happy or not. That is an attitude she will outwardly complain about but it will be normal for her. 

Of course, in any culture there are ranges of behavior. Not everyone fits the stereotype.

But she seems to be a typical Ukrainian woman. 

Second point, about her child.

The pattern in Ukraine for many women, especially if divorced, is that mother works, goes to school or parties and grandma takes care of the child. So, since grandma is not around, she does not know what to do. Ukrainian people are on the selfish side, compared to, for example, Latins and Asians. 

Third, there is something to be said that some people are just not adaptable to life in the USA. Some take to it like a fish to water, others have a hard time. This likely is not helping. 

Finally, the point which is most determinative is this. It is the critical point. Are her parents still married? if yes, then there could be a possibility. If they are not married, the likelihood of success with her is quite low. She simply lacks the tools to be able to maintain a relationship and could have a borderline personality disorder.

I have seen this pattern again and again and again and again.

She will never change.

Marriage counseling will likely be useless. Ukrainians don't believe that a stranger can give them any advice. The use of marriage counselors is almost unheard of. Ukrainian women will ask advice of their friends, who think the same way they do and have the same problems. Does it make sense to ask advice from a person who has a messed up life also? No. Not at all.  

I believe the only way you have a chance would be to move with her to Ukraine or some third country like Mexico (think of Cabo San Lucas and around there, for example). She will stay with you as long as the money keeps coming in, don't worry.

 

[aaa2zzz 27]

sorry I waited too long to edit

Think of this. If a woman is unable to love her own child enough, she cannot have enough emotional maturity to love anyone else.

I would say based on my experience is that the daughter went through the terrible 2s and 3s without the mother's discipline. It is not ADHD.   Safest thing is for you to move out and avoid contact during the divorce. She will figure out from someone how to stage a domestic violence incident. 

[TBoneTX 45,222]

Whether the incompatibilities are cultural or because of her individual personality, this does not remotely resemble a functional relationship.

 

Ask yourself, "All the sweet, loving, emotionally available women in the world, and I'm still with this one?"

 

After you take the recommended and necessary steps to free yourself from this, you'll feel like the weight of the world has been lifted from your shoulders.  Trust this.  "Do the needful."

[Daisy Mae 2]

My husband is 18 yrs older than me,our first year of marriage wasn't easy,i guess due to cultural differences and age gap,we fight like tom and jerry,we decided to get a divorce for more than 10 times,but i guess we just love each other and didnt do it,so one day finally we both decided to sit and talk without yelling at each other and talk about our likes and dislikes and how to avoid getting mad to each other,funny coz we found out we are so much alike in everything,attitude etc..we are both bull headed and prideful(if there is a word prideful lol,but hey you know what i mean),it was a serious talk and we listen to each other carefully and we put our heart to it..we are 3 years married now and yes there are days we still have misunderstanding but we know how to handle it now,we still yell at each other but after an hour we kiss and make up and act like nothing happened..and i can say we are going stronger..hope it helps

[JSWH 262]

@k1divorce you got many thoughtful replies and solid advice already. I just want to add that I am really sorry that you have to go through all these. Being from Russia myself, which has basically the same culture as Ukraine, I have to agree with almost everything that @aaa2zzz said. It's quite unlikely that your wife is depressed, or suffer from anxiety. It's a cultural thing. She has a strong perception of what "good traditional" marriage looks like in her mind. The wife is attractive and can cook, the husband makes money. That's it. 

You mentioned that she had no degree from Ukraine, that she refuses to learn English, or driving. Very bad sign. She refuses to take responsibility for her own life. Unfortunately, it's very common in Russia and Ukraine. She is irritated and argumentative because she is convinced that it's husband's duty to solve her problems ("reshat' voprosy). I doubt she understands that she does something wrong. 

If you really love that woman, try to explain it to her how life is different in the USA, and she cannot remain dependant on her husband forever. If you see resistance on her side, then as @aaa2zzz said, don't waist your time, get a divorce.

 

P.S. This might be and extremely unpopular advice, but I would offer her a small monetary compensation in exchange to amicable divorce and her departure to her omecountry. Whatever you decide to do, I wish you best of luck.

Edited April 3, 2017 by JSWH

[Eric-Pris 1,606]

First, sorry that you hit the miserable wife lottery.  I don't know how you lasted this long. 

 

It sounds like you have tried talking to her but she's uninterested and unaffected, per your own words.  I think you have given enough.  Cultural or not, it's time to cut your losses and move on.  I assume that it's very scary for you to go back to being single and lonely (which you mentioned that you were before and decided to get married against your brain and good sense telling you not to).  Men are very stupid.  We sometimes KNOW exactly what the right to do is (or at least what NOT to do) and we go against what is the correct action, usually because of some kind of fear.

 

You can file for divorce and ask her to move out of your parent's house.  Obviously, I don't think you should throw her out on the street but offer her a return ticket out of the US.  If she doesn't accept it, then you did what you could, and she made her choice.  But whatever you do, I agree with others, you should cut off ALL contact with her.  She doesn't need to accept a divorce.  I doubt she will contest it either, with no money and total apathy, it sounds like.  Maybe she will expect you to show her how to contest it...

 

BTW- where and how did you meet?  There's an age gap and it doesn't sound like you have anything in common.  How did you come across her and who made the first move?