Horrible life after K1 marriage - how to get out?

[Roel 7,192]

If during our first 2 months of living together, me and husband would keep arguing - I'd never go further into the relationship like that. It's actually worse that you decided to marry her knowing her temper..

 

I'm sorry to say, but you act like some victims of abuse does - "Oh, he hit me yesterday and broke my nose but the next day he brought me flowers so everything is perfectly ok!"

Just think about it. Your choice now is to be happy without her or miserable with her, I guess.

 

Don't take responsibly for her and divorce her. Do not let her sweet talk you into signing her AoS or you'll be financially responsible for her and her kid for a whiiiile.

[neilsqueen 433]

So sorry this is happening.  You haven't mentioned if you have tried marriage counseling.  Have you had a heart to heart with her as another poster advised?  Sometimes a little reality check will wake people up.  Maybe that's what she needs.  Be firm and let her know that you are at your wits end and don't see any light at the end of the tunnel.  Wishing you the very best!

[k1divorce 4]

5 minutes ago, Roel said:

If during our first 2 months of living together, me and husband would keep arguing - I'd never go further into the relationship like that. It's actually worse that you decided to marry her knowing her temper..

 

I'm sorry to say, but you act like some victims of abuse does - "Oh, he hit me yesterday and broke my nose but the next day he brought me flowers so everything is perfectly ok!"

Just think about it. Your choice now is to be happy without her or miserable with her, I guess.

 

Don't take responsibly for her and divorce her. Do not let her sweet talk you into signing her AoS or you'll be financially responsible for her and her kid for a whiiiile.

You're 100% correct. I've been exactly that way. I've been so lonely for so long I've convinced myself at every point that her abuse was just a mistake and it will pass. Plus, it's confusing because I argue back. I mean, I see things my way and she sees them her way. I feel like I do a lot and she often starts the arguments, but she turns things around on me and makes me feel bad because I scream and yell while we're arguing.

 

But now I know it's all a manipulation. She might have a good heart and does not intend to do any evil, but her brain is disorderly and she can't seem to control herself. I wish I could help but I can't. It's too much, and I can't save someone when they're constantly pulling me into the void with them.

 

Thanks for your comment.

[k1divorce 4]

7 minutes ago, neilsqueen said:

So sorry this is happening.  You haven't mentioned if you have tried marriage counseling.  Have you had a heart to heart with her as another poster advised?  Sometimes a little reality check will wake people up.  Maybe that's what she needs.  Be firm and let her know that you are at your wits end and don't see any light at the end of the tunnel.  Wishing you the very best!

I have had many talks and arguments with her. I've plead with her. I've even cried several times. I'm a grown man and before her I don't remember the last time I cried. But I cried a hand-full of times now... not because of the love, but because of how much stress I feel. How trapped I feel.

 

I've shared this with her. There were a couple times where our arguing brought us to the brink of me purchasing a ticket for them so they would go back home.

 

I think she understands the situation. She's unaffected by it. She apologizes and tries to make amends for a day or two, then it all just starts again :-(

[Daisy.Chain 317]

Have you considered marriage counseling? Do not give up! Divorce may sound appealing - but you did marry this woman and have a responsibility, for better or for worse, to see it through. She is adapting to a huge amount of change, and you are as well - it doesn't make for naturally harmonious conditions, and may make for couples suspecting personality disorders. Is there someplace she could work or volunteer if she is stuck at home? Perhaps learning how to drive if she doesn't already? Maybe she could take a sightseeing trip with some friends or family? I wish you luck.

[Ebunoluwa 6,136]

You can't change her but you have control over yourself, whether you decide to engage in the arguments, whether you allow

her the power to push your buttons or to not. You can only change your own behavior. It takes 2 to argue, you yell and scream....

have you tried to not engage and keep the smile on your face and let her ramble and rant on ? Do you realize that you alone
can decide to give in to stress or not ? You are giving her way too much power over your emotions. Stop it.
See a marriage counselor to learn how to communicate without dysfunction. Then see if she would go to a phsychiatrist

for an evaluation.

It often feels very empowering the moment you realize you don't have to go to every fight you are invited to.

Empower yourself ! Lead by example. Start by changing without reacting.

[k1divorce 4]

37 minutes ago, Ebunoluwa said:

You can't change her but you have control over yourself, whether you decide to engage in the arguments, whether you allow

her the power to push your buttons or to not. You can only change your own behavior. It takes 2 to argue, you yell and scream....

have you tried to not engage and keep the smile on your face and let her ramble and rant on ? Do you realize that you alone
can decide to give in to stress or not ? You are giving her way too much power over your emotions. Stop it.
See a marriage counselor to learn how to communicate without dysfunction. Then see if she would go to a phsychiatrist

for an evaluation.

It often feels very empowering the moment you realize you don't have to go to every fight you are invited to.

Empower yourself ! Lead by example. Start by changing without reacting.

This looks good on paper but is not practical (nor fair) advice.

 

Don't get me wrong. I agree with you in principle and am not looking to argue with you.

 

But please understand, this person does not work. She does not take any initiative to assert her role in the family. She spends less time rearing her child than I do. In fact she frequently tells me to talk with her child because her child doesn't listen to her.

 

As I've mentioned I have tried to encourage her to get her drivers license. I would like to get her mobile so she can get out of the house. I would pay for her English courses in college once she can drive to class. I'm always offering to help and I do a lot to take initiative to help.

 

She can read/write in English at an elementary level. I've purchased books for her. I've spoken to her in English. Every effort I make is thwarted. She doesn't want to learn. She doesn't try. She reverts to speaking with me in Russian despite my efforts to help her learn English.

 

I work full-time. Sometimes 55 hours a week. Since she can't drive I also do the grocery shopping and I run all the errands. I coordinate everything from mailing packages to her salon appointments to her daughter's schooling.

 

I knew what I was getting into before the K1. I knew she'd depend on me for everything at first and I'm perfectly agreeable to that.

 

But I expect some fairness. I expect some balance.

 

She does the laundry and cooks some meals. I take the family out to eat a few times a week.

 

That's it. That's all she does. Oh, and she argues with me all the time.

 

So as far as owning my reaction and not going to every fight she invites me to, well sometimes I can walk away. Sometimes I can ignore things. Sometimes I change my perspective and try to understand and encourage. But why does "every time" have to be her picking a fight?

 

Again, please don't misunderstand me. I really appreciate your feedback. I know you didn't have to offer any advice and so I'm grateful that you did. Thank you for it. I'm just very tired of all this and really can't see how it is fair.

Edited April 2, 2017 by k1divorce

[Amy_and_Victor 159]

At this point of your marriage I agree with people who think that divorce is the best option for you. I don't believe that marriage counseling would do any good for you two if everything you said is how it is and isn't exaggerated by your feelings. It's beyond no-return point to make it happy relationship, especially since it looks to me like it's never been really happy except a short time beach vacation you had. If I would argue with my relationship partner every other day I would run away to the hills and if my relationship would be so bad in the first several months I would quit it before you even filed for K-1, but if I would be in your situation you have now, I would file for divorce. Do not sign any paper, be prepared that she may try to pull a made up abuse etc., if you can afford it then talk to a divorce/immigration lawyer asap. Here on VJ you can find some topics where people gave plenty of advises how to file a divorce in a right way and protect yourself from a false claims.

 

- Victor from Russia

[k1divorce 4]

1 minute ago, Amy_and_Victor said:

At this point of your marriage I agree with people who think that divorce is the best option for you. I don't believe that marriage counseling would do any good for you two if everything you said is how it is and isn't exaggerated by your feelings. It's beyond no-return point to make it happy relationship, especially since it looks to me like it's never been really happy except a short time beach vacation you had. If I would argue with my relationship partner every other day I would run away to the hills and if my relationship would be so bad in the first several months I would quit it before you even filed for K-1, but if I would be in your situation you have now, I would file for divorce. Do not sign any paper, be prepared that she may try to pull a made up abuse etc., if you can afford it then talk to a divorce/immigration lawyer asap. Here on VJ you can find some topics where people gave plenty of advises how to file a divorce in a right way and protect yourself from a false claims.

 

- Victor from Russia

Thank you Victor. I will look up the advice on divorce. I agree with your take on this. I was lonely and wanted things to work, so I acted foolishly. You know, I also made such a huge sacrifice in the beginning by find a new job and moving to Ukraine that this too weighed heavily on me. It's as if the huge financial, time, and emotional investment made me feel like I had to go through with it to the end. I didn't want to admit it wasn't right.

[Unlockable 7,314]

Sounds like you had some red flags before that you ignored. Sorry you are going through this. I would usually advise counseling as others have. But from reading your recent post I can tell you are already out of the marriage. 

 

Wishing you luck moving forward on whatever you decide.

[Ebunoluwa 6,136]

It sounds like she has major anxiety besides depression, sounds like she feels hopeless.
If she does not want to change her behavior then I would separate too.
Just wondering if meds would help her cope and adjust to her new environment.
Anxiety can bring out hostility in people.

I wish you well whatever you choose to do.
If you divorce buy her a ticket home and drop her off at the airport.

She sounds like she feels very miserable herself and her poor parenting skills don't help the family dynamics.

My previous advice was in regards to her picking fights only, of course it won't fix all the other problems but not

engaging her may help you to remain a bit more stress free.
I agree she definitely needs to get motivated to learn how to drive and get out of the house and contribute

something to the family and you have made plenty of sacrifices moving back and forth.

[geowrian 22,337]

8 hours ago, Roel said:

Also a personal opinion of mine - this is EXACTLY why people, no matter if they do K1 or CR1, should always - always - spend as much time as possible together in person. Best thing to do - live together for a bit before committing to the relationship. Me and my husband had a chance to live together for about 2 months before I came to the US. So we both knew what we're signing in for. Of course, there are scammers who are going to be loving and perfect when living together, but it's still a good way to truly find out who the other person is.

Agreed about spending time in person. There's a huge difference between talking to/messaging people and having to see and deal with them every single day of your life. There's also a huge difference between vacationing together and sharing a life together.

 

Unfortunately, living together is not an option in many cases. My fiancee works in Saudi Arabia under contract - I can't even visit her there (no tourist visas in SA). I also can't get off any more than 2 weeks at a time given the nature of my work. She tried to visit the US but obtaining a tourist visa from SA (or any MENA country) is incredibly difficult. Anyway, I agree i theory, but the practicals to make it happen are just not there in many cases.

 

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Edited April 2, 2017 by geowrian

[k1divorce 4]

Thanks everyone for all of your support.

 

I will plan for a divorce. It's the realistic option here.

 

However, I do have a question. If for example she wanted to get marriage counseling and I agreed... what are the consequences in terms of the immigration part of this story?

 

Her 90 day visa expires in a couple weeks. We did get married, but we didn't start the AOS process.

 

So how much time does she technically have before getting deported? If her time is extended now because we got married, how much time before we have to start the AOS process (assuming marriage counseling helps)?

 

On the other hand, what if she refuses the divorce? Am I obligated to take care of her and her child financially... and if so, for how long and to what amount?

 

Thank you!

Edited April 3, 2017 by k1divorce

[geowrian 22,337]

5 minutes ago, k1divorce said:

Thanks everyone for all of your support.

 

I will plan for a divorce. It's the realistic option here.

 

However, I do have a question. If for example she wanted to get marriage counseling and I agreed... what are the consequences in terms of the immigration part of this story?

 

Her 90 day visa expires in a couple weeks. We did get married, but we didn't start the AOS process.

 

So how much time does she technically have before getting deported? If her time is extended now because we got married, how much time before we have to start the AOS process (assuming marriage counseling helps)?

 

On the other hand, what if she refuses the divorce? Am I obligated to take care of her and her child financially... and if so, for how long and to what amount?

 

Thank you!

Once her I-94 stamp expires (90 days after entry...the visa itself is invalid once she used it), she will have no legal status in the US and will be an overstay. Until AOS is filed, removal proceedings can be opened at any time. That said, the spouse of a USC is likely not a priority for deportation since just filing for AOS would put her into authorized stay while the case is being processed.

 

Time is not extended by marrying. You can file for AOS at any time. Since you married within the 90 days, you can just pickup right where you left off in the process. That said, I'm not condoning an overstay (that wouldn't be permitted via VJ's TOS).

 

I'm not sure what is meant by "refusing the divorce". AFAIK, there's no US state that requires both parties to agree to a divorce. However, divorce law varies by state and I suggest seeking a divorce attorney if you ever reach the point of going that path. Things like child support and alimony and such are better suited to the divorce attorney as they depends on specifics of the case and state(s) involved.

[Ebunoluwa 6,136]

I agree with Geowrian on all points.