Horrible life after K1 marriage - how to get out?

[k1divorce 4]

Hi,

 

I know this is the last thing people here want to think about/discuss. I really hate to be a huge downer for all of you who have high hopes about your marriage and relationships, but unfortunately I need to ask for advice on what to do when things go wrong.

 

I don't know why I got married. I loved her so much when we met and were dating. I thought she was the one. I've been so lonely for so many years and just didn't want to admit there was a problem. Her 90 days were running out so I decided to "man-up" and just marry her. Now I regret it.

 

She is much younger than me and does not have a profession nor degree. She wants to be a stay-at-home wife. I'm reasonable fine with that, but she makes no effort at all. Instead she disrupts all sense of peace and harmony in my life. I'm always exhausted. We argue all through the night despite my having to wake-up early for work the next day. I've plead with her countless times to stop the insanity.

 

Long-story-short I've had enough. I know all couples have a hard time of it -- especially in the beginning -- but I'm fairly confident that she has some form of personality disorder.

 

At this point I just want out!

 

We haven't started the AOS process yet. The only affidavit of support I've signed was the one required for the K1 visa.

 

All that in mind, is there a way I can stop this? I want to get an annulment or divorce. I just want to go back to my old lonely life. I don't want to be responsible for her. I'll gladly buy her a ticket home and offer her reasonable financial help to get home safely.

 

If you have any advice on how I can get of out of this mess, please share. Thank you so much and please accept my apology for being such a downer on this subject.

Edited April 2, 2017 by k1divorce

[Hopeforbest 9]

I read it all.how much younger she is from u and where she from.

[k1divorce 4]

58 minutes ago, Hopeforbest said:

I read it all.how much younger she is from u and where she from.

She's 15 years younger than me.

[k1divorce 4]

28 minutes ago, CookieCat said:

Sorry you're going through this. The best way to get out of the mess is you discuss the situation with your wife. What are her thoughts and feelings about you wanting out? Is she willing to go back home? We cannot tell you what to do with your marriage. 

 

~Moved from AOS from Family to Effects of Major Family Changes on Immigration where similar topics are discussed~

VJ Moderation

I'm afraid to discuss it with her. I'm worried she'll resort to those nasty tricks foreign frauds use to stay in the country (i.e. claiming abuse, etc.)

 

I can't be sure she would do something like that, but honestly I've grown to believe she has serious mental/personality issues. The pattern I've noticed is that if I'm feeling happy or carefree in anyway, she's unhappy until she disturbs my mood. Once I'm upset she lightens up. Then we argue all night long and she eventually tells me how sorry she is and how she will stop doing it. Then it just repeats itself.

 

She's from Ukraine.

 

I really can't take it anymore.

 

What are my options to back out of all this at this stage?

[Hopeforbest 9]

Where she is from

[Hopeforbest 9]

I am sorry to say but u hunted for green card. Dont worry she wont go back but will act she is gone .she wnat that u should fil divorce 1,u Will beer expenses.2 tommrow she can told and show proof that divorce is file from ur side not her side.she will try to make u evrything that u should do some negative so tommrow she can use it as weapon against u in immigration process.why a 15 younger woman will marry a upto 15 year old guy.cant she find own age fellow her own country.she shoot u with love bullet.and u had been hunted and hurt. Try to stop her immigration process and u will see more faces.i know many people will not agree or argued.

i am sorry about ur situation.

[k1divorce 4]

28 minutes ago, Hopeforbest said:

Where she is from

Ukraine

[Transborderwife 4,666]

5 hours ago, k1divorce said:

I'm afraid to discuss it with her. I'm worried she'll resort to those nasty tricks foreign frauds use to stay in the country (i.e. claiming abuse, etc.)

 

I can't be sure she would do something like that, but honestly I've grown to believe she has serious mental/personality issues. The pattern I've noticed is that if I'm feeling happy or carefree in anyway, she's unhappy until she disturbs my mood. Once I'm upset she lightens up. Then we argue all night long and she eventually tells me how sorry she is and how she will stop doing it. Then it just repeats itself.

 

She's from Ukraine.

 

I really can't take it anymore.

 

What are my options to back out of all this at this stage?

File for divorce and move on.  If she fields for VAWA you'll never know unless you find out through her.  Just wash your hands of it all 

[Ontarkie 14,205]

The only thing you can do is file for divorce and be generous to offer her a plane ticket home. She may or may not use it but at least you offered. 

 

Btw you didn't mention much in your post. So I want to add make sure you're just not having cold feet. The OMG  I'm not single anymore and have to share my space issue. 

 

I'm the type that gets into a routine and if something in my life gets disrupted. I get a wave of  OMG what have I done and until I calm down and rethink with my head and heart in the same place do I see clearly.  

[Roel 7,192]

Divorce and offer her a ticket back home. Do not sign anything. Do not be alone with her (so she doesn't do a false VAWA claim against you, lie about any abuse, etc). That's it. There is nothing more you can do.

She cannot get a green card through anyone but you.

 

She's not a package so you can't force return her back to her country.

 

Or, if you're willing to give it a shot - do some kind of marriage counseling.

 

Also a personal opinion of mine - this is EXACTLY why people, no matter if they do K1 or CR1, should always - always - spend as much time as possible together in person. Best thing to do - live together for a bit before committing to the relationship. Me and my husband had a chance to live together for about 2 months before I came to the US. So we both knew what we're signing in for. Of course, there are scammers who are going to be loving and perfect when living together, but it's still a good way to truly find out who the other person is.

[USAMorocco 143]

Divorce her and move on.  You are not on the hook for anything. Don't file her AOS.  But please please make sure this is what you want.  It is said that the hardest part of this whole thing is the first part where the foreign spouse doesn't have working papers or anything.  Pretty much they get to sit and do nada.  I will tell you my now husband came on a K1 in December and all I did was fight with him (not saying you fight with her) I made the first few months miserable for him because I was scared of giving up my life.  I got scared that maybe he would be lazy and not work....since we have gotten married and sent in the AOS paperwork it has been so much stress off of us.  Not saying this is your situation but it was our he we talked and talked (I yelled trying to scare him away) and told him to go home 9 million times...but he didn't and I can tell you he proved over a million times that he loved me.  Sometimes it just takes some talking and waiting to get through this stuff.  Our son is due on April 28 and I just cry when I think about how messed up I was in all of this knowing he left a good job, a very very close family, and his life to be with me.  I was horrible.  I would

have made the biggest mistake of my life sending him home.  My husband probably thought the same way about me as you do with your wife lol he probably thought I was insane. 

 

Again, I just tell you this because I was ready to give up too....maybe you can talk to her and feel her out and then again maybe it is not meant to be.  Either way good luck. 

[USAMorocco 143]

33 minutes ago, Roel said:

Divorce and offer her a ticket back home. Do not sign anything. Do not be alone with her (so she doesn't do a false VAWA claim against you, lie about any abuse, etc). That's it. There is nothing more you can do.

She cannot get a green card through anyone but you.

 

She's not a package so you can't force return her back to her country.

 

Or, if you're willing to give it a shot - do some kind of marriage counseling.

 

Also a personal opinion of mine - this is EXACTLY why people, no matter if they do K1 or CR1, should always - always - spend as much time as possible together in person. Best thing to do - live together for a bit before committing to the relationship. Me and my husband had a chance to live together for about 2 months before I came to the US. So we both knew what we're signing in for. Of course, there are scammers who are going to be loving and perfect when living together, but it's still a good way to truly find out who the other person is.

I agree even though some people can't do it.  I went and stayed with my husband for almost 3 months.  I took my daughter and everything so I could see just how we clicked and all got along.  It's crazy when the foreign spouse gets here.  The adjustments for everyone on top of the adjustment for the spouse being in a completely different world alone. 

[Hopeful diva 99]

8 hours ago, k1divorce said:

I'm afraid to discuss it with her. I'm worried she'll resort to those nasty tricks foreign frauds use to stay in the country (i.e. claiming abuse, etc.)

 

I can't be sure she would do something like that, but honestly I've grown to believe she has serious mental/personality issues. The pattern I've noticed is that if I'm feeling happy or carefree in anyway, she's unhappy until she disturbs my mood. Once I'm upset she lightens up. Then we argue all night long and she eventually tells me how sorry she is and how she will stop doing it. Then it just repeats itself.

 

She's from Ukraine.

 

I really can't take it anymore.

 

What are my options to back out of all this at this stage?

Why don't you get a divorce/immigration attorney and discuss it with them. You may also want to let uscis know of the situation at hand by scheduling an infopass with them. 

 

Or 

 

or you guys can try to settle issues and attend intense Marriage counseling ... It might help 

[POA 178]

10 hours ago, k1divorce said:

Hi,

 

I know this is the last thing people here want to think about/discuss. I really hate to be a huge downer for all of you who have high hopes about your marriage and relationships, but unfortunately I need to ask for advice on what to do when things go wrong.

 

I don't know why I got married. I loved her so much when we met and were dating. I thought she was the one. I've been so lonely for so many years and just didn't want to admit there was a problem. Her 90 days were running out so I decided to "man-up" and just marry her. Now I regret it.

 

She is much younger than me and does not have a profession nor degree. She wants to be a stay-at-home wife. I'm reasonable fine with that, but she makes no effort at all. Instead she disrupts all sense of peace and harmony in my life. I'm always exhausted. We argue all through the night despite my having to wake-up early for work the next day. I've plead with her countless times to stop the insanity.

 

Long-story-short I've had enough. I know all couples have a hard time of it -- especially in the beginning -- but I'm fairly confident that she has some form of personality disorder.

 

At this point I just want out!

 

We haven't started the AOS process yet. The only affidavit of support I've signed was the one required for the K1 visa.

 

All that in mind, is there a way I can stop this? I want to get an annulment or divorce. I just want to go back to my old lonely life. I don't want to be responsible for her. I'll gladly buy her a ticket home and offer her reasonable financial help to get home safely.

 

If you have any advice on how I can get of out of this mess, please share. Thank you so much and please accept my apology for being such a downer on this subject.

I am sorry to hear about this. When I moved here and started acting up, my husband sat me down and told me straight that if I didn't start communicating how I feel and stop acting up, he doesn't see us lasting. That woke me up and started to change instead of being moody and not talking about how I feel, I started to communicate better. If you haven't tried that maybe you could, she might wake up too and if she indeed love you she will make the effort, if she didn't care, then time to move on. You can file for divorce and she will have to move back to her country. You are not tied with the AOS yet too since you do not seem to have filed it yet.

 

 

[k1divorce 4]

Hi Everyone,

 

Thanks for all the advice.

 

Just to follow-up, believe it or not we lived together for nearly six months before all this. When we first met I found a job that lets me work from home. I work as a software engineer so this was possible. It was a horrible job. I hated it. But I did it so I can have the freedom to fly out to Ukraine and live with her.

 

One thing I haven't mentioned yet is that she has a child. A seven year old daughter. She was six when we met.

 

We first lived together for three months. It was both good and bad. Lots of arguing, but also lots of loving moments.

 

While the new job let me work from home, they didn't know I was living in a different country. I didn't want to scare them so I didn't tell them about this. Instead, I worked during their business hours -- which meant I worked at night because of the time difference.

 

Almost everyday we would argue for hours right before I had to work. I would start work full of stress. My work day would end at 4AM. I would try to sleep but often would wake up around 9 or 10AM. Once I'd awake she would try to "make up" for the arguing the night before. She would make me breakfast and apologize.

Anyway, it was the same routine almost everyday.

 

In addition to that, her daughter has a very bad case of ADHD. She is very hyper-active and unable to control herself. She climbs all over everything and talks non-stop. She is also very undisciplined and impolite.

 

I tried to ignore all this. I thought that her daughter just needs a father and stability in her life, and with time she would even-out. I'm not sure if I believe this anymore. We've recently started giving her ADHD medicine and it seems to help a little, but unfortunately my problems with her mother have not changed.

 

So after this first time living with her, I returned back to the States. I did not want to see her again. I was upset and felt like this was all a mistake.

 

She started sending me photos of the happy moments. You know, the times when we were smiling and at dinner or relaxing on the couch. Times where we were all one happy family. She emailed and told me how hard it was for her because of her daughter and how we were both just feeling stress. She promised it would all become easier with time, and I desperately wanted to believe that.

 

After some time I decided to try things again. Since I was restricted from entering the Ukraine for 90 days, I flew out to Thailand and purchased her a ticket to meet me. We stayed there until the 90 day restriction was lifted. At that time her daughter stayed with her parents so it was just us, the sun, and the beach.

 

We still argued but less frequently. It was a pleasant time.

 

Then we flew to Ukraine and moved in together again. The massive arguing resumed. It was routine. Almost every second or third day we would argue.

 

Also, she has a bad relationship with her daughter. Since I work from home I would hear her barking at her daughter all day long and her daughter appears to intentionally provoke her.

 

My wife also drinks frequently. She doesn't drink much when she drinks, but she drinks frequently.

 

She would tell me how depressed she is. She would tell me how sorry she is for arguing and that it's because she's depressed. She would tell me about her difficult upbringing and how trapped she feels with a daughter who turned out so unruly.

 

For some dumb reason I held out hope, and with her very strong urging I started the K1/K2 process.

 

I returned to the States again and we waited.

 

I found a new job. I relocated to a different state. I saved money and communicated with her daily.

 

When she and her daughter finally arrived I was stupidly optimistic that a fresh start would help us. Plus I figured we are in my country where I know my way around and soon we'll get into a normal/healthy routine.

 

This did not happen. The arguing has continued. The stress has continued.

 

I understand it's hard for her to be in a new country, but it was hard for her to be in her old country.

 

When she arrived, I was living in Utah. That's where I got my new job. I like the job but we both didn't care much for the weather. I grew up in Arizona where it's warm and sunny. My parents still live there.

 

During the holidays we flew out to visit my parents and she fell in love with Arizona. She couldn't stop talking about it. So after some effort I was able to get my company to agree to let me work from home so that we can live in Arizona.

 

We're now living with my very elderly parents who have been gracious enough to let us stay with them while we look for an apartment.

 

Her daughter is jumping off the walls. My wife is moody and always starting arguments with me or telling me how she is unhappy about this or that. She doesn't understand how stressful this is for me. She doesn't seem willing to be patient and positive and work together to get through this. She just complains but does nothing to help.

 

This entire time I've encouraged her to learn how to drive so she can start feeling some independence. She needs to pass the written exam and I've offered to pay for courses, books, translators. She's reading the same driver's manual for almost 3 months and she can't pass a single online test!

 

And now that we're living at my parents house I feel even more stress and shame. I've pleaded with her to not disturb the peace. To just take it easy and try to avoid arguments.

 

No! She sees that I'm up-beat or feeling good and she puts on "a face". You know the face I'm talking about: brooding, irritated, distant. She starts-in by showing me how unhappy she is for some reason and while initially I would try to support her and encourage her, that face is now a trigger that spirals into an argument.

 

I'm tired of trying to ease her moods. I'm tired of trying to solve her problems. She always shits on my day or night and that makes her happy. Meanwhile I have to go to work the next day or have my weekend turned upside-down due to her incessant arguing. There's no end to it. It's just stress and pressure and more stress and more pressure.

 

I'm finished!

 

Thank you all.

Edited April 2, 2017 by k1divorce