Yardies, at home and a farrin' (Part 4)

[brownnskinn 0]

I beg to differ about your feeling that "the only men who ask for things aren't genuine" comment. If that becomes the main gist of the relationship then yes I would say he isn't in the relationship for the correct reason....BUT....I don't think it is fair to make that blanket of a statement when there are so many more peices to the puzzle that we aren't aware of. Bottom line.....take your time..be on JA time...no worries....everything will come out if there is anything to come out!

Hope you don't take this the wrong way, but have you ever been in a relationship with a GENUINE Jamaican guy??

Jomo, JA Tam, Kimmy, SBJ, I have a question.

Did your husbands ask you for stuff when they were in Jamaica?

Mine most def did not.

[Yaads 0]

No English hubby never asked for anything..I would offer something and he was still hesitant to accept..so that's why I agree

I know you didn't ask me directly English but I thought I would answer as well.

My experience was very similar to Kimmy. I would offer to help and A would be very hesitant to accept and actually wouldn't accept it many times. There were times when I would practically have to make him accept it just so we could get on to the next step in the visa process and he would take my help but pay me back as soon as possible. The only time he accepted anything was in regards to the visa process. He hated feeling like he "owed" me something...even if I told him I didn't care for repayment. I think a lot of it was proving to me that he would be able to take care of me and provide for me as the man of the household. To this day he hates when I pay for things and is always offering to pay for stuff for me. He views it as his responsibility as a husband.

Edited November 20, 2007 by Yardiewife

[brownnskinn 0]

He views it as his responsibility as a husband.

Ditto.

[JaEnglishGirl 34]

No English hubby never asked for anything..I would offer something and he was still hesitant to accept..so that's why I agree

I know you didn't ask me directly English but I thought I would answer as well.

My experience was very similar to Kimmy. I would offer to help and A would be very hesitant to accept and actually wouldn't accept it many times. There were times when I would practically have to make him accept it just so we could get on to the next step in the visa process and he would take my help but pay me back as soon as possible. The only time he accepted anything was in regards to the visa process. He hated feeling like he "owed" me something...even if I told him I didn't care for repayment. I think a lot of it was proving to me that he would be able to take care of me and provide for me as the man of the household. To this day he hates when I pay for things and is always offering to pay for stuff for me. He views it as his responsibility as a husband.

Sorry, forgot you!

Yes, that's EXACTLY how I have found genuine Jamaican men to be.

Only asking when they have NO alternative....

NOT asking for new clothes, cellphones and money...

Jomo, I agree fully with that. Was making a general reference though

[brownnskinn 0]

I wish it wasn't so late and you guys were here. I need to vent, cry, scream, or something! The tears are flowin and won't fricken stop. Things have not been good between the SO and I. I broke up with him (or at least tried to but he wasn't haven that) on Halloween and was trying to lie to myself that I was at peace with my decision but as I now see I'm not. We've talked alot and its only making my decision harder. UGHHHH! I just don't know. I know I love him but I got scared, I saw some red flags and decided to bail before I could get hurt. I started to question his intentions (not really because of anything he did but because of stories I've heard and fear) and pull away from him which only made things worse between us because he thought I had another man. There was one night that I had gone over to my girlfriends house with a few other girls (mind you I NEVER go out) and he got angry and told me to go home, well I wasn't gonna take that so I went off and told him he wasn't my father, blah, blah, blah, and how I never tell him that when he goes out. I always tell him to have a good time and call me when he reaches home. I wish relationships were simple. I have so many trust issues from my last relationship that I see myself treating him badly for things another man did. I was single for a year before we met and I really thought I had resolved my issues. HIm being far away sucks even though I've been using my time to be with friends and my kids. I'm stressed out at home raising 2 kids on my own, things are really tough financially right now. The high phone bills and thought of all the $ we'll spend on the visa proccess have me stressed out. His birthday just passed and I completely blew him off, and all because I couldn't give him anything for his birthday. And like he told me if I would have just spoke to him he could have understood. He's only asked for things a few times and I've explained each and every time how hard things are for me financially. I don't want to lose him if his love is for real and I know no one can give me that guarantee that only time will tell. I'll just continue to pray and hopefully follow the correct path. Okay thank for listening while I put all our business out there (boy he'd kill me if he saw this) but.... I know you guys are great and will give me honest feedback wether its what I want to hear or not! u guys!!!!

Hey Chica,

I went through the same thing!! I was suppose to file for Ken in March and then my fears from relationships prior reared their ugly head! He would say something...anything and I would go OFF!! I was a complete B1TCH to him!! I'm embarassed to tell you how horrible I was!! He backed off a little, gave me my space and let me work through. I actually realized one day...that my fear was about to stop me from having a a man that really LOVES me in my life and a chance for happiness! So, I put my fears aside and blocked my friends negative 'Stella' comments and actually allowed myself to trust him and be loved. Do I trust Ken 100%...no...but I tell him that and he knows that I have a ton of prior baggage, but I pray with time, I'll get there. But I do trust him more than I have trusted any man.

Classy, I totally understand about the $$ thing! I am raising 2 little boys (by myself too) and the funds are not always there! It's hard and stressful and the last thing you need is the stress of this process....I know I get it!

Chica, you need to do some soul searching. If you really think that your SO is genuine and will add joy to your life and hasn't done anything REALLY to raise your 'not right' antenna, then I say go slowly, even VERY slowly...but GO!!! You are entitled to love and a little happiness in your life! Take your time and save your $$, even if it's years Classy...at least you will have the opportunity to get to know your SO a little more.

I feel for you, I really feel your pain...cause I know what you are going through. I wish I was closer...cause I would give you a BIG SQUEEZE!!!

I hope this helps....love u 2 Chica!!

Blessing & prayers,

Gill

P.S.- Remember Classy 'What is for you, will not go by you'

(((((((((((CLASSY)))))))))))

Great Advice

[SupportOAFJF 0]

No English hubby never asked for anything..I would offer something and he was still hesitant to accept..so that's why I agree

I know you didn't ask me directly English but I thought I would answer as well.

My experience was very similar to Kimmy. I would offer to help and A would be very hesitant to accept and actually wouldn't accept it many times. There were times when I would practically have to make him accept it just so we could get on to the next step in the visa process and he would take my help but pay me back as soon as possible. The only time he accepted anything was in regards to the visa process. He hated feeling like he "owed" me something...even if I told him I didn't care for repayment. I think a lot of it was proving to me that he would be able to take care of me and provide for me as the man of the household. To this day he hates when I pay for things and is always offering to pay for stuff for me. He views it as his responsibility as a husband.

That's what he says everyday...I take care of my family not the other way...but I'm slowly making him see it works much easier if we both contribute..He thinks that makes him less of a man if I pay for anything

[Yaads 0]

That's what he says everyday...I take care of my family not the other way...but I'm slowly making him see it works much easier if we both contribute..He thinks that makes him less of a man if I pay for anything

Yeah since he has been here he has slowly let it be more of a team thing and he has lightened up a bit about it but ultimately he feels it is his responsibility to take care of the family. I can respect that.

[classychic77 0]

Hi everyone!! I'm at work so I can't respond much until I get home this evening but I just wanted to say thank you to everyone and all the great advice. Even if its hard to hear some of it I definitly need to hear it. Thats why I came to you all instead of my friends and family here at home because none of them have any experience with a relationship like this.

[SupportOAFJF 0]

That's what he says everyday...I take care of my family not the other way...but I'm slowly making him see it works much easier if we both contribute..He thinks that makes him less of a man if I pay for anything

Yeah since he has been here he has slowly let it be more of a team thing and he has lightened up a bit about it but ultimately he feels it is his responsibility to take care of the family. I can respect that.

Definately

Sharon whats up..long time I haven't seen u..where u been

[JaEnglishGirl 34]

Hi everyone!! I'm at work so I can't respond much until I get home this evening but I just wanted to say thank you to everyone and all the great advice. Even if its hard to hear some of it I definitly need to hear it. Thats why I came to you all instead of my friends and family here at home because none of them have any experience with a relationship like this.

It's wonderful that you are receptive and are happy to draw on the experience of others....I know you are deserving of a good man, he IS out there.......I hope this grows easier for you, I know when breaking up with someone, talking to them after made it worse..That is something you might want to consider, because you still have feelings for him, and he obviously didn't want to break up with you....If he isn't genuine, right now he'll be telling you everything you want to hear just to play your emotions...

[*JG* 2]

A wise woman I know, with a Jamaican husband, had this to say on the subject.........

I was pretty much cautious in the beginning -- you know, all the stories you hear. I was not sure that our relationship was for real -- UNTIL -- his sister asked me for money to buy some land. He called me ahead of time and told me what was going on so I wouldn't be surprised and I was ready for her. It was at that moment that I knew he was 100% "for real."

He NEVER asked for things......I did bring him jeans, shorts & a pair of Tims.....that was MY CHOICE. And I would always leave him cash when I would leave. I don't think I could have lived with myself if I didn't do that.

He had a stinkin' job at the resort. He didn't make tips -- he did landscaping. He lived good but not great -- one room -- with a hot plate. Indoor plumbing -- but down the hall. I kinda felt awkward going on about my life with all my "luxuries" knowing that he couldn't even get a Guiness with his friends on Friday night because he had to pay his electric bill. For heaven sake -- this was the man that I was planning to live the rest of my life with.....why would it be wrong to send him something?!? BUT -- I had a lot of people who thought that was all he wanted from me and thought he was gonna dump me the first chance he got to get more $$$$ from someone else.

Yeah, I did it. I never felt like he was taking advantage -- and no, it didn't make him less of a man.

[JaEnglishGirl 34]

A wise woman I know, with a Jamaican husband, had this to say on the subject.........

I was pretty much cautious in the beginning -- you know, all the stories you hear. I was not sure that our relationship was for real -- UNTIL -- his sister asked me for money to buy some land. He called me ahead of time and told me what was going on so I wouldn't be surprised and I was ready for her. It was at that moment that I knew he was 100% "for real."

He NEVER asked for things......I did bring him jeans, shorts & a pair of Tims.....that was MY CHOICE. And I would always leave him cash when I would leave. I don't think I could have lived with myself if I didn't do that.

He had a stinkin' job at the resort. He didn't make tips -- he did landscaping. He lived good but not great -- one room -- with a hot plate. Indoor plumbing -- but down the hall. I kinda felt awkward going on about my life with all my "luxuries" knowing that he couldn't even get a Guiness with his friends on Friday night because he had to pay his electric bill. For heaven sake -- this was the man that I was planning to live the rest of my life with.....why would it be wrong to send him something?!? BUT -- I had a lot of people who thought that was all he wanted from me and thought he was gonna dump me the first chance he got to get more $$$$ from someone else.

Yeah, I did it. I never felt like he was taking advantage -- and no, it didn't make him less of a man.

Nothing wrong with helping the one you love out. In fact, what kind of person are you if you DIDN'T and you were able to.

But the alarm bells ring when every day he needs money for this and that and has no problem taking it from you.

Or he's smart and doesn't ask, but manages to let you know that he needs this and that.

Or you're coming down and his requests swamp you.

Or he wants a particular brand of phone or shoes.

Or he can't manage to pay his bills, how the hell did he support himself BEFORE he met you?

[SupportOAFJF 0]

A wise woman I know, with a Jamaican husband, had this to say on the subject.........

I was pretty much cautious in the beginning -- you know, all the stories you hear. I was not sure that our relationship was for real -- UNTIL -- his sister asked me for money to buy some land. He called me ahead of time and told me what was going on so I wouldn't be surprised and I was ready for her. It was at that moment that I knew he was 100% "for real."

He NEVER asked for things......I did bring him jeans, shorts & a pair of Tims.....that was MY CHOICE. And I would always leave him cash when I would leave. I don't think I could have lived with myself if I didn't do that.

He had a stinkin' job at the resort. He didn't make tips -- he did landscaping. He lived good but not great -- one room -- with a hot plate. Indoor plumbing -- but down the hall. I kinda felt awkward going on about my life with all my "luxuries" knowing that he couldn't even get a Guiness with his friends on Friday night because he had to pay his electric bill. For heaven sake -- this was the man that I was planning to live the rest of my life with.....why would it be wrong to send him something?!? BUT -- I had a lot of people who thought that was all he wanted from me and thought he was gonna dump me the first chance he got to get more $$$$ from someone else.

Yeah, I did it. I never felt like he was taking advantage -- and no, it didn't make him less of a man.

MY husband insisted on me not sending him anything....But I knew that if I didn't tell him and just send it or bring it he will pick it up or accept it and never stop saying "I appreciate it". I wouldn't do that all the time I would when I could. I never cared what ppl thought about me sending him money he is my husband. Feeling less of a man is a Jamaican culture thing, he was raised to provide, that was just how it was, men made sure their family ate, had a place to sleep etc. My husband is not less of a man because he hates for me to be the provider it is the fault of his culture and I know that. So, this is why we talk endlessly about differences of how it is done in JA and in the USA and what we accept as our standard, what's going to work for us.

[SupportOAFJF 0]

A wise woman I know, with a Jamaican husband, had this to say on the subject.........

I was pretty much cautious in the beginning -- you know, all the stories you hear. I was not sure that our relationship was for real -- UNTIL -- his sister asked me for money to buy some land. He called me ahead of time and told me what was going on so I wouldn't be surprised and I was ready for her. It was at that moment that I knew he was 100% "for real."

He NEVER asked for things......I did bring him jeans, shorts & a pair of Tims.....that was MY CHOICE. And I would always leave him cash when I would leave. I don't think I could have lived with myself if I didn't do that.

He had a stinkin' job at the resort. He didn't make tips -- he did landscaping. He lived good but not great -- one room -- with a hot plate. Indoor plumbing -- but down the hall. I kinda felt awkward going on about my life with all my "luxuries" knowing that he couldn't even get a Guiness with his friends on Friday night because he had to pay his electric bill. For heaven sake -- this was the man that I was planning to live the rest of my life with.....why would it be wrong to send him something?!? BUT -- I had a lot of people who thought that was all he wanted from me and thought he was gonna dump me the first chance he got to get more $$$$ from someone else.

Yeah, I did it. I never felt like he was taking advantage -- and no, it didn't make him less of a man.

Nothing wrong with helping the one you love out. In fact, what kind of person are you if you DIDN'T and you were able to.

But the alarm bells ring when every day he needs money for this and that and has no problem taking it from you.Or he's smart and doesn't ask, but manages to let you know that he needs this and that.

Or you're coming down and his requests swamp you.

Or he wants a particular brand of phone or shoes.

Or he can't manage to pay his bills, how the hell did he support himself BEFORE he met you?

I know exactly what ur saying and I still agree

[Forever Young 1]

Nothing wrong with helping the one you love out. In fact, what kind of person are you if you DIDN'T and you were able to.

But the alarm bells ring when every day he needs money for this and that and has no problem taking it from you.

Or he's smart and doesn't ask, but manages to let you know that he needs this and that.

Or you're coming down and his requests swamp you.

Or he wants a particular brand of phone or shoes.

Or he can't manage to pay his bills, how the hell did he support himself BEFORE he met you?

All very valid points English. Like others said prior it really depends upon the situation. I always remember my Mother saying..."Gillian, You can do bad all by yourself. Yuh nuh need nuh man fi do bad wid you." I neglected that piece of info for years. However, this time I adhere to it. I hate to say this, but I really look at EVERYTHING as a test. I told Ken that. How he treats his son (because he will treat mine the same). If he is capable of paying his bills and finding a new route when $$ problems come up (other than me). How he reacts when angry or stressed. I honestly look at everything.

I need to tell you I told Ken that he would have to pay for his medical, visa, every blasted thing down there...cause I just don't have it. Just the other day, he told me how much he has in the bank for his process and he's straight (actually hasmore in his bank account than me )! He tells me all the time I want to prove to you that this is no fraud or joke thing. I want to make you proud. So, I just have to go with that until I see otherwise.

It is a very fine line to walk. I hate to see someone I love suffer & struggle, but I don't want to suffer & struggle again either by choosing poorly again. I think if you look and pay close enough attention...true colors will show through eventually...that's why it's important to take your time and REALLY get to know the person.

Blessings,

Gill

Blessing,

Gill