Yardies, at home and a farrin' (Part 4)

[rhondapayter 0]

And whether or not our husbands are here or not means absolutely nothing to the matter in which we handle our relationships.

You are in for so many surprises when the time comes. You have no idea......

[jawi876 2]

Umm, not sure what happened here. A few "rude statements" were made. then everyone appoligized and then words started being thrown at "Jomo's girl" or mainly at her??? and then other people who wanted to say something about "Jomo's girl" posts in the past, felt it was fine to jump on the bandwagon. Did Jomo's girl say not to talk patios in the thread? I don't see that post, maybe I didn't go back far enough to read where she made that comment. Oh and of course can't forget bad gyal nuh back down from nuttin.

carry on ladies

It's okay, Jengles. But, thanks for the sentiment.

All I said was READING Patois gives me a headache. Anyone who inferred that I said DON'T talk Patois on any of these threads did that all on their own. And, those of you who implied I don't know my man's culture or where he comes from or even that there is some agreement that we dont' speak Patois in our home, also did that all on your own. Sweeping generalizations over and over again.

Nobody said any version of this in English or patois. You have told me that you understand it and can speak it, you just don't like to read it. I don't have a problem with you not reading it, which is why I started my OWN thread. You were being nasty when you said you couldn't be bothered with my story because of it, but you are in there every day. That is what most people took offense to, and that is what made me post the way I did. Some people are tired of being told that they shouldn't post in patois, and the jokes began. Again, the jokes and suss are part of the Jamaican and African American culture. You can love each other to death, but you will slew each other with the words and jokes.

Jengles what I meant about toe-to-toe on written words was just that, not a literally coming to blows. If someone wants to be snide and rude, and I can go there too. I was tired of saying it's okay Jomo, no hard feelings taken. It seems that she would post a comment to me, and then apologize if it came off rude or harsh. I wonder if she was doing it on purpose to see if I would respond. I did yesterday, and apologized.

Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaag is allllll I gotta say !!! I haven't been on, haven't had the time, but whew, here we go ONCE AGAIN !!!!

So I'm confused WHERE did JOMO say she didn't LIKE your story ??? I think I missed that somewhere. I love the story so far, patois and everything and I do seem to skim over the patois parts and I think I miss what's truly being said and then I have to go back and re-read....but sitting waiting for soccer practice 3 nights a week, gives me that time. "I" don't personally speak it at all, but fully understand it being around patois for over 10 yrs!

The other comments about JOMO telling her husband this and that ..."runnin" him, ya know.... just ridiculous !!! I too, "run" my husband -if that's what you want to call it !!! He's been here for 17 months now and STILL acts like an immature child!! We've been through ALOT in our relationship and I have given him ALL the help, guidance, support, lessons to learn, tools, etc etc etc. I have been more than patient in this so called marriage. MY HUSBAND CHANGED when he came here. HE has chosen to be "stuck" in his Jamaican past with violence, rudeness, disrespect and HE has NOT once grown from the experience that he has had here.

It has been said, over and over and over again in this yardie thread.....that there are only a FEW relationships that are "still in tact" and that are truly happy, healthy, prosperous and whatever other positive words you want to use. "MY" relationship SUCKS and I DO want out and I DO want him to leave!! He KNOWS that, we've talked about it till the cows come home. He makes alllllllllllll kinds of promises to be a better man, take care of his responsibilities, be a better husband and stepfather, ladidada..... but I NEVER see that, ever !!!! "I" canNOT kick the LOSER out of my house, but he also will NOT leave on his own !!!! He tries his best to make MY life a living he&&, but I will NOT allow him to do that. "I" AM a strong woman!! My son and I are both STRONG individuals that have a very tight relationship. My son and I talk about what's acceptable and not acceptable all the time. My son asked Craig over the weekend -AGAIN- WHY has he changed so much and that he liked the guy that he knew in Jamaica and when he first came here..... Craig's response is, your mother has changed too!!! But Craig does NOT GET the reason that "I" have changed towards him and OUR marriage is that "I" caught him having a relationship with another farrin woman....went on for 9 months that "I" know about. Anyone that has read my posts in previous yardie threads knows this. I told him to GO and be with her if that is who he truly wanted to be with. "I" have caught him numerous times giving women his cell phone number (and vice/versa). He does NOT help with bills and responsibilities around the home. He has NOT once stepped up to be a supportive and positive role model to my child. We have talked and communicated our feelings, emotions, etc etc .... it works for a day and then WHAM back to being an A-hole the next !!!!

I admire ANYones relationship that works....I truly envy those that are in JA/American relationships that work !!! but they are far and few between that "I" know of !!!!

I also know that "I" will (me and my son) be absolutely fine. I do not need a man to make me feel good about myself. Craig is the one with serious and I mean serious -especially- anger issues !!!

Not everyone. Written Patois gives me a headache. Can't bother with it.

Wow! I'm sorry you are going through this. I didn't know your history with Craig. IMHO, you are not "running" your husband. You are simply surviving day to day. He is techincally calling the shots because you are miserable with him there and he won't leave. You do have options to get out of the situation. You can request a legal separation, and get a restraining order because you owned your home before he got here. I had a friend that went through this VERY same thing, minus the other woman. He lost his mother, and went insane literally. He had her a prisoner in her own home, telling her that she and Babylon had taken his mother and they were hiding her. You have to file for the legal separation first. Then wait until he leaves the home to have a police serve him with the restraining order when he comes back home. The police will stay and enforce the order, and you can later arrange for him to retrieve his things from the courts or the police station. You cannot let him know any of this is happening though because he may opt to NEVER go out even to the store.

Maybe Craig didn't "change" at all, he just stopped pretending.

Jomo's situation and comments are totally different from yours. Her comments weren't because of her being mistreated, which is why I wondered why she seemed to not care about him. Jomo assured me that that was not the case at all. They are in fact BOTH very much in love.

Your situation is horrible, and I hate that anybody has to ever go through stuff like this. You have to be the woman and man in your marriage because he doesn't want the role.

I took her comment about she couldn't be bothered as she couldn't be bothered with the story. She explained that was not what she meant, and I we have squashed it as a misunderstanding. Jomo and I are not bitter enemies, and we are not warring. We are fine, truly.

I'm sorry to...but trust me, I'll be okay. I thank god EVERYday that I have my friends that I met with on VJ that support me and are there for me everyday....and you know who you guys are !!!!! If not, than I would have jumped off the nearest bridge long ago !!

Unfortunately, "I" don't have many options at this point.... I can't get a separation because he LIVES here. In Maryland you have to be legally separated for a yr before you can file for divorce. Hence, I can't MAKE him leave.

Number 2, in regards to a protection order, I haven't looked into the filing a separation 1st....but I do know that I have to show proof that he's been abusive, or whatever else.... we've been there done that, bought the T-shirt (2 1/2 months ag)....he CHANGED (for the better) for a month and now back to square one. I told him last night (in one of his rages) IF he were to even TRY to even get physical again, remember that "I" was REEEEEAL nice the 1st time !!!! and there are absolutely NO 2nd chances !!!

Also, since I've been supporting all of us financially from day one (although he's been working nonstop since July of LAST year) "I" don't have ANY extra money to pay for him to leave, nor do I feel "I" need to pay for him to leave. He throws that "you are responsible for me" in my face (his cousin tells him that) and I tell him.........um, ya betta watch what you say with that because "I" could soooo show proof that this was fraud, so you may want to think of something else !!!

He threatens ALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL of the time that he is going to leave, but he needs money. I do NOT UNDERSTAND why he just won't go and stay with that good ole family in Philly !!! His brother knows everything and how he's been treating me, etc etc and I told him that he NEEDS to get out of here. Not quite sure they take me seriously.

I say to him all the time, wow you REALLY put up quite an act for being such a wonderful person BEFORE you got here.......seriously, have you ever really and truly thought about an acting career ?? He says, I wasn't acting.... yeah, okay !!!

He's immature, plain and simple..... he'll grow up someday, but "I" won't be around to see that happen. I said that "I" am training him to be a better person for the next one !!

Well, I am in no way an expert. I was simply attempting to offer my support and advice. I apologize for overstepping. Again, didn't know your history, and had no clue you had been there/done that.

Your plight reminds me of the movie War of the Roses. The couple loved their home and furnishings more than they loved each other, both of them REFUSED to leave. They ended up destroying the home, and killing each other. It was supposed to be a comedy, but it was sad too.

I think I remember reading that you were going through the AOS process. If I'm wrong please don't bite my head off. Do you mind me asking why you decided to go through with it with him doing all of this? On one hand you say you want the relationship to end, then you say that he changes and starts doing better. Why didn't you just let him stay out of status? Are you still in love with him, I mean the person he was in Jamaica?

Do you really want the relationship to end, or do you really just want him to grow up so your relationship can work? I can understand being fed up with the mess and saying that you want no parts of it. But, when I was done with my relationship, my ex-husband's behavior had no bearing on the fact I wanted out...good or bad. It didn't matter if there were good or bad days, I simply wanted out.

I was in a bad relationship similar to yours with my eldest son's father (African American). I wanted him to change his ways more than I really wanted to end things. He adored me, but didn't show much love to his own flesh and blood. I never understood this, and I couldn't sit back and let him dote on me and pretty much ignore his child.

[jawi876 2]

Oh I forgot to add. I don't own my own home, we live in an apartment, that I've lived in for over 10yrs. With VERY VERY nosey neighbors !!!

HONEY!!! I would sign a new lease and request a different apartment WITHOUT his name on the lease. I would transfer service on all the utilities and let his crazy behind sit in his apartment alone. He wouldn't have to leave...I would. He won't have much use for the apartment when they come to put him out. LOL. LOL.

[*JG* 2]

Jawi, Kelly is not thinking your overstepped. She actually writes the way she talks. It takes just a little while to get used to it.

I thought your suggestions were very good one's. Didn't realize everything she had tried though.

It's my understanding that she has wanted her relationship to work over and over and over again and has tried everything. She's to the point now where she just doesn't think it will ever happen so she's given up hoping.

Hey, Kel.....when did you file AOS? And, I am curious like Jawi....why? Was he not showing this side of him then? If so, when did he change?

[jawi876 2]

And whether or not our husbands are here or not means absolutely nothing to the matter in which we handle our relationships.

You are in for so many surprises when the time comes. You have no idea......

Not neccessarily. Everybody's experience is different. Although it appears the norm is a lot of struggle with him adapting to the different culture, some people do not experience it at all. I KNOW for a fact a few people that didn't have ONE day of the relationship changing when the Jamaican man got here.

I pray that Marlita is one of those.

Jawi, Kelly is not thinking your overstepped. She actually writes the way she talks. It takes just a little while to get used to it.

I thought your suggestions were very good one's. Didn't realize everything she had tried though.

It's my understanding that she has wanted her relationship to work over and over and over again and has tried everything. She's to the point now where she just doesn't think it will ever happen so she's given up hoping.

Hey, Kel.....when did you file AOS? And, I am curious like Jawi....why? Was he not showing this side of him then? If so, when did he change?

Oh...okay.

[rhondapayter 0]

RhondaP. comes off as a strong and confident woman too, but I have never seen her talk about putting her man in line even if they have an agrument, or she doesn't agree with something he does.

Nope, and you never will One of the biggest mistakes I made when he first came here was thinking that I was somehow the "better" one in the relationship. Whether it was because I had a college education, made more money, knew how to read and write perfectly, whatever.... I was inadvertantly treating him as my inferior. Once I saw the light, and starting giving him the respect he deserved and listening to what he had to say and taking his opinion into account, things vastly improved between us. We fought like cats & dogs our first year of marriage. I used to "threaten" him with divorce and sending him back to JA. He'd say please do! I was happier there anyways! I learned that you can't hold a marriage over someones head to get them to change their ways. It will only backfire on you.

We still have our share of fights and disagreements, usually about finances. Neither of us tries to put the other "in line" - we are both stubborn and bull-headed and it probably wouldn't work anyhow!

[classychic77 0]

I was in a bad relationship similar to yours with my eldest son's father (African American). I wanted him to change his ways more than I really wanted to end things. He adored me, but didn't show much love to his own flesh and blood. I never understood this, and I couldn't sit back and let him dote on me and pretty much ignore his child.

That sounds alot like my ex and I never understood it. He'd be all in my face and not even care about seeing our daughter. Ughhhh guys suck sometimes. So glad that relationship is long gone.

Edited November 8, 2007 by classychic77

[Shemmy 4]

Oh I forgot to add. I don't own my own home, we live in an apartment, that I've lived in for over 10yrs. With VERY VERY nosey neighbors !!!

HONEY!!! I would sign a new lease and request a different apartment WITHOUT his name on the lease. I would transfer service on all the utilities and let his crazy behind sit in his apartment alone. He wouldn't have to leave...I would. He won't have much use for the apartment when they come to put him out. LOL. LOL.

AND if his name is not on the lease then give him a 30 days notice to leave...plain and simple.

Kelly sounds like a broken record. She's been saying the same thing for over the last year. Like my momma say...pi$$ or get off the pot.

[rhondapayter 0]

I was gonna ask what you were doing online, but I forgot they changed your shift again...hang in there - not too much longer until you go on maternity leave

Thank God I'm dying to go home and put my feet up!

Sorrel *YUM* We will be making ours shortly after Thanksgiving. We made so much last year we were drinking sorrel at Easter

Ok, you're ALL going to laugh at me, but what is sorrel?? I've never had it.

I still don't know what I'm making for Thanksgiving...previous years my family cooked. I don't want turkey

Jackie's husband made them a jerk turkey last year I wish I had gotten to try it. It sounds good.

[rhondapayter 0]

I admire ANYones relationship that works....I truly envy those that are in JA/American relationships that work !!! but they are far and few between that "I" know of !!!!

This is true of all relationships - nothing to do with Jamaica. 50% of marriages in the U.S. end in divorce

[rhondapayter 0]

Really, Rhonda? We speak it at home. Hell, I think the dog even understands cause he ONLY speaks Patois to her. Plus, we talk to lots of friends and family here and at home. I wonder if that will slowly lessen over time for us too?

Tony has 2 JA friends here. They speak all in Patois when he sees them. Or if he's talking to anyone in JA on the phone. That's about it. Oh, and when he's mad - it all starts coming out in Patois

[Jonesie 1]

One of the biggest mistakes I made when he first came here was thinking that I was somehow the "better" one in the relationship. Whether it was because I had a college education, made more money, knew how to read and write perfectly, whatever.... I was inadvertantly treating him as my inferior. Once I saw the light, and starting giving him the respect he deserved and listening to what he had to say and taking his opinion into account, things vastly improved between us. We fought like cats & dogs our first year of marriage. I used to "threaten" him with divorce and sending him back to JA. He'd say please do! I was happier there anyways! I learned that you can't hold a marriage over someones head to get them to change their ways. It will only backfire on you.

We still have our share of fights and disagreements, usually about finances. Neither of us tries to put the other "in line" - we are both stubborn and bull-headed and it probably wouldn't work anyhow!

Preach! I agree - it all comes down to respect and treating your partner as an equal. The money one makes, the degrees, etc. don't mean a thing when it comes to marriage.

[Yaads 0]

Nope, and you never will One of the biggest mistakes I made when he first came here was thinking that I was somehow the "better" one in the relationship. Whether it was because I had a college education, made more money, knew how to read and write perfectly, whatever.... I was inadvertantly treating him as my inferior. Once I saw the light, and starting giving him the respect he deserved and listening to what he had to say and taking his opinion into account, things vastly improved between us. We fought like cats & dogs our first year of marriage. I used to "threaten" him with divorce and sending him back to JA. He'd say please do! I was happier there anyways! I learned that you can't hold a marriage over someones head to get them to change their ways. It will only backfire on you.

We still have our share of fights and disagreements, usually about finances. Neither of us tries to put the other "in line" - we are both stubborn and bull-headed and it probably wouldn't work anyhow!

That was one of the biggest mistakes I made as well. We went through almost the exact same thing as you did Rhonda. I don't think for me it was a conscious thing for the most part...but I learned that my thinking had to change and I could only take responsibility for my part in the marriage. He had to be responsible for his. The next part isn't directed at anyone specific...just a general observation.

It it very easy to cut down and demean your spouse. It really is a gift to be able to encourage and uplift your husband no matter his faults and the struggles you are going through. Marriage is all about learning...everyone grows and changes...EVERYONE. You have to learn to adapt to them just as they learn to adapt to you. There is not one person who can tell me they haven't changed over the years or they haven't changed since the beginning of the relationship. Life is about changing, hopefully for the better. It is about maturing and growing and learning and changing. For some it is easy...for others it is a struggle.

I know this forum has a TON of strong and intelligent women. I know many have gone through hell in their marriages and others have had an easier time. Doesn't make anyone any better than anyone else...it just makes us individuals. You never know what hand God is going to deal you...it is how you deal with that hand that shows your true character and integrity.

[Shemmy 4]

Really, Rhonda? We speak it at home. Hell, I think the dog even understands cause he ONLY speaks Patois to her. Plus, we talk to lots of friends and family here and at home. I wonder if that will slowly lessen over time for us too?

Tony has 2 JA friends here. They speak all in Patois when he sees them. Or if he's talking to anyone in JA on the phone. That's about it. Oh, and when he's mad - it all starts coming out in Patois

Damien speak proper English at home as well. Unless he's cussing me out under his breath . He speak to his family and friends in Patois.

[*JG* 2]

And whether or not our husbands are here or not means absolutely nothing to the matter in which we handle our relationships.

You are in for so many surprises when the time comes. You have no idea......

Yah, I agree with this.