Yardies, at home and a farrin' (Part 4)

[luvtravlin 0]

Craig's "deal".........50 % immaturity / 50% cultural !!!!!! He even said to me the other day that he "acted" more mature when he was in Jamaica than here and I was like .........daaaahhhh ya think ???? cause IF you would have "acted" this way, we would have NEVER been in any type of relationship !!!!!!!!!

TGIF !!!!!!!!!!!

Craig's "deal".........50 % immaturity / 50% cultural !!!!!! He even said to me the other day that he "acted" more mature when he was in Jamaica than here and I was like .........daaaahhhh ya think ???? cause IF you would have "acted" this way, we would have NEVER been in any type of relationship !!!!!!!!!

TGIF !!!!!!!!!!!

Dag I wanted to make the TGIF --bigger !!!!???? Whagawaan??

OKAY, I have no clue how to work the system on here !! Sorry 'bout that folks...

[darlene 0]

Okay TEXASBOUND!!! Finally came up for air!

How are things going?

[Shemmy 4]

Good morning VJ family .

[jlvr 1]

You would ***think*** that if he WANTED to be here in the good ole opportunity USofA he'd be a complete a** kisser !!!!

He knows that he could be sent back at ANY time

I really don't think him kissing your butt is the solution to your problems!!! Is he supposed to be eternally grateful to you for bringing him here? You guys were/are supposed to be in LOVE. Isn't the whole reason he's here is so you two can be together? If you expect him to feel "indebted" to you for giving him this "wonderful opportunity" that could explain why your relationship isn't working. Also, constantly holding it over his head that he he can be deported at any time that you get the notion to do so.

I'm not saying any of this to be mean. I went through some of the same things with Tony when he first came here. Many, many times I felt he should feel grateful to me for everything I've done for him, but it doesn't work that way It has to be a 2 way street. He has to feel needed and appreciated too or it won't work. Not like you did him some giant favor by bringing him here. He had to leave his family, friends, home, job - everything he knew and loved - to come here. He made a big sacrifice too. I remind myself of this often

Well, if you ONLY knew half of our story!!! I NEVER EVER throw in his face or hold it over his head that he can be deported EVER!!! Yes, he DOES need to kiss MY a** and I think you know what I mean!!! I bend over backwards, work 2 full-time jobs, transporting everyone everywhere, doing laundry, making all the meals, cleaning, constantly making HIM feel comfortable, constantly making HIM feel needed AND appreciated ALL OF THE TIME, making sure that HE is "taken care of", making sure that "HE" is happy.....etc etc......okay, so where is MY appreciation?, making ME feel comfortable?, etc etc etc ............the CONSTANT "promises" I had waaaaay before he got here and the way things are here and the CONSTANT battle between my love (and attention) for my son and then the love for Craig......ONLY those that have children (not by our husband) truly KNOW what I'm talking about!!! You're constantly being pulled in EVERY direction and where is "my" time?????

Craig wasn't working when he came here, his closest friends and cousins are here in the states (New York and Philly), his family was ONLY his mother and she ONLY calls when she needs money. I KNOW that he made a sacrifice, but "I" have sacrificed ALOT !!!!

Trust me, those that know my very very well ...and the great friends that I've made on this site just know, that "I" have put up ALOT of #######. Yes, I would absoLUTELY LOVE for this relationship to work out. I do love Craig, but not like it was since the 1st month of him being here. "I" do NOT deserve to be treated the way I am. I do have thick skin and do not let most of his BS get to me. Sometimes I take out the frustration on my son, which is NOT good. I'm ONLY HUMAN !!! Craig's bags have been packed for over a month, he says ALLLLLL of the time he's leaving. He wants ME to pay for him to leave and at one point I was going to. He will NOT go and stay with his family and friends................NO CLUE WHY??? He's EXTREEEMELY jealous of my friendships (mostly because they are men), he's EXTREEEMELY insecure with my relationship with my son !!

When my son wasn't here over spring break, we had a WONDERFUL time together, getting back to the way it was the 1st month that he got here.....an hour before my son came home he TOTALLY TOTALLY CHANGED **BACK** to jerk-off Craig !!!!

At this point, if he leaves.....say-la-ve.....if he stays he KNOWS he has to change alot of the ways he "acts" (which he NEVER EVER acted that way for the yr 1/2 that I knew him before he came here).

I know that Craig loves me. I'm his 1st **real** relationship and on top of that with a child. He KNEW my son and spent ALOT of time with him before he came here. HE throws in MY face ALLLLL of the time, well, if your son needed shoes you'd go and buy them for him, if your son needed this and that, you would go and buy them for him. He canNOT see that my son is a CHILD (even though he's 13), he's still a child who solely depends on ONLY me. His father is not and has never been in the picture. I really don't **think** that "I" shound need to defend myself EVERYtime in regards to my son??!!!

This flippin relationship is unlike any I've ever been in. I've never had to be torn between 2 people I love the most!!! As Shauna said, it's another day...........but..........getting through each day, touch and it's NOT supposed to be THIS TOUGH !!!

Oh.....and for the person that said "I'm whining"........okay, maybe right now I am.......yes, I did have some red flags. Asked God to show me this and/or that.....and yeah, I DO kick my butt for NOT "listening" to those signs, but things do happen for a reason and we sometimes will never know what exactly those reasons are....

Do you mind if I ask, why are you allowing HIM to make the decision of whether he stays or goes? It's your life. If you are unhappy and feel that he is not doing what he needs to do in order to stay, why not just change the locks or something?

[luvtravlin 0]

Do you mind if I ask, why are you allowing HIM to make the decision of whether he stays or goes? It's your life. If you are unhappy and feel that he is not doing what he needs to do in order to stay, why not just change the locks or something?

I'm not "allowing" him to make the decisions.....but if I physically kicked him out, it would get VERY ugly. Yep, it's my life and I do NOT want my neighbors to be up in MY business (I live in an apartment complex that everyone is in everyone elses business). There's also more to it, personally.....that has to do with my apartment complex....one they don't know he's living here and they canNOT know. I can call the police, been there done that already.....they didn't do anything, couldn't cause he wasn't here (because he left when I picked up the phone to call) and when the police stopped him, he lied and said he wasn't who he was.

I don't know, I'm just NOT an ugly person like that..... if I lived in my own house with no neighbors (that could get me in trouble......and trust me, these neighbors would), than yes......I could take matters a different way. I can't afford to live in another place right now and I'm NOT having Craig jeopardize that!!!

My one neighbor has made numerous complaints about my other neighbors dog....the dog has not DONE ANYTHING to the neighbor complaining and the rental place has now given her 30 days to move OR get rid of the dog and she's NOT getting rid of her dog. It's sad.........

I just wish that he would just GO to his family and stay there, but then he says "I can't leave"!!!

[Texas Bound 0]

Okay TEXASBOUND!!! Finally came up for air!

How are things going?

HELLO FAMILY!!! Wow, it took a minute to catch up on whats been going on here.

1st Nannygirl----Hugs to you, Please pray & communicate.

Sonshyne....no visa yet!!!! I know how you feel truly.

Ricardo....congrats.

OK, me. Well, sweetie made it last week. Got the Employment stamp---mission accomplished. He will start work in 2 weeks w. many options. He got sick the first few days because he was up north in the freakin snow. Of course his family up there (need I mind you extended family who didnt do shi***to get him here in the 1st place) didnt know what to do to take care of him etc. The weather was a true shock to his system. He did enjoy meeting them though. Im sure theres more to it that Im not being told. Anyway, his so called cousin screwed him out of his flight a couple of times ---didnt get him to the airport etc. You know I was pissed off. Nonetheless, he is here now. His first day he was sleeping a lot, not talking much or eating. This is what I call depression!!! I know thanks to many of you that this transition will take time. So Ive been helping him through it. We have gone out to a Caribbean dinner, malls, riding around just etc. he has finally met my family (who love him), he has been totally awesome & accepted by my 4 year old--He even started to teach him how to ride his bike yesterday. I need to just get him acclimated to the surroundings a few times. He loves the weather ---he can wear his shorts again. One day at a time. I hate leaving him to go to work, but he is understanding. I am willing to go home everyday for lunch until he gets his job to keep him on his toes & going. I do feel for him. I just have to remind myself that yes, he did leave everything he knew. It did feel like he resented me. I understand though & in time we will be back up. Im trying to get him comfortable & to be happy being here & remind him that he can still be independent. This a.m. I got a "I love you too" which put a huge smile on my face. Tonight we are going to a NBA game & Im anxious to take him to Home Depot & the Market. We went to a Caribbean grocery store which was worthless---no Betty Milk, no blue mountain coffee, no Horlicks--what a mess. All in all, I am still so happy he is here. I keep reminding myself that its not me & he is not on vacation like I was before. One day at a time, one step at a time. I do feel that if he didn't have an opportunity to work quickly it would be devastating. I couldn't imagine having him wait up to 6 months to work. That would be too damaging. My next step is to have him driving.

[brownnskinn 0]

....there will come a time when the situation must end, one way or another, and when that time comes, there will be no doubt.....But at least, even if you took the 'wrong path', you will have learned from it, realized that signs should not be ignored....And you will also have the satisfaction of knowing you did everything in your power to do what you thought was right.....

Morning. Yes so very true. When it's over it's over there is no doubt about it.

Edited April 13, 2007 by Denden

[Jamaicagyaldat 1]

Alright...hey everyone! I see we have some drama...

As most of you know I have done this twice with Jamaicans both times. The first time we really grew apart and there were other things out of control that occured. Well this time my marriage is solid and for the most part as good as it can get.

My friend married my husbands brother. I give her advice alot on these similar topics. I have done this twice so now I know my mistakes and expected all these things that are typically trouble the first go around.

I tell her and I am hoping it will help here. We all make huge sacrifices when we decide to enter into a visa/marriage with an immigrant. Marriage is really hard and then you have to add on the visa troubles and cultural differences. My sister in law also sounded just like you Kelly---so upset and feeling as if she has sacrificed and constant troublles etc. I and probably all of us have had similar conversations. I recommend basically making peace with yourself and understand that you have to be pretty much selfless for about 2 years. Sometimes a little less and sometimes more depending on how many cultural differences you have to tackle. You have to be able to understand that you are going to give and give and give for a long while with very little back. I can tell you that after these men get on their feet, understand the cultural differences, feel confident and full of pride again they will reward you with appreciation. The wait can be a long one and very frustrating but I can promise you that it does happen. I saw a movie recently where it said you "Damn americans always think you have to feeeeel everything." I laughed so hard. This is true. We feel somehow unvalidated unappreciated if others dont express thanks or appreciation. Try to patient and remember to listen to each other. Tell him what you need and ask that he deliver a small portion of it to make you feel encouraged and yet make him feel as if he has something that he can give you back. (Like I tell my husband hey even a scribbly message on a napkin will make me feel appreciated.) It doesnt take much, just a little something.

I hope this helped. I can give a lot more advice here and I can relate. I just dont want to take up all the space. Anyone feel free to PM me if you want. I am glad to help or just to listen. Been there done that and doing it again!! Just this time I am more informed and more understanding!

SEEN everyone!! : )

Sara

[brownnskinn 0]

Kelly, If you were my sister, I would tell you where to go with this nonsense. I am the last person who could judge someone, but as an outsider looking in...Yes it is your life. but it is time to be descisive here. Honestly. I hear resentment when you speak about Craig. He dosen't owe you a damn thing!! and If I truely wanted him gone I wouldn't giva a rats flying you know what about what my neighbors think. The truth is You love this man and you want to make this work. The big question is does he love you? Do you feel good, and deep down he makes you feel good, if the answer is no, YOU should be the one makeing the choice. A Man, a mature man, who is sure of himself would never ever compete for your attention with your son. You say this is not affecting your son but why would he make that statement" You don't make Craig......." your son isn't crazy and neither is Craig. He has a lot of growing up to do in my opinion. I worry about your sanity. I truely hope you can have peace in your life. He will never leave b/c he knows you are not going to make him.

[Jamaicagyaldat 1]

Kelly, If you were my sister, I would tell you where to go with this nonsense. I am the last person who could judge someone, but as an outsider looking in...Yes it is your life. but it is time to be descisive here. Honestly. I hear resentment when you speak about Craig. He dosen't owe you a damn thing!! and If I truely wanted him gone I wouldn't giva a rats flying you know what about what my neighbors think. The truth is You love this man and you want to make this work. The big question is does he love you? Do you feel good, and deep down he makes you feel good, if the answer is no, YOU should be the one makeing the choice. A Man, a mature man, who is sure of himself would never ever compete for your attention with your son. You say this is not affecting your son but why would he make that statement" You don't make Craig......." your son isn't crazy and neither is Craig. He has a lot of growing up to do in my opinion. I worry about your sanity. I truely hope you can have peace in your life. He will never leave b/c he knows you are not going to make him.

True dat....this also could be a symptom of the real problem. Insecurity, feeling unworthy, feeling like less of a man, or just feeling like he isnt pulling his own in this relationship. That is a real problem especially before they can work.

[brownnskinn 0]

Alright...hey everyone! I see we have some drama...

As most of you know I have done this twice with Jamaicans both times. The first time we really grew apart and there were other things out of control that occured. Well this time my marriage is solid and for the most part as good as it can get.

My friend married my husbands brother. I give her advice alot on these similar topics. I have done this twice so now I know my mistakes and expected all these things that are typically trouble the first go around.

I tell her and I am hoping it will help here. We all make huge sacrifices when we decide to enter into a visa/marriage with an immigrant. Marriage is really hard and then you have to add on the visa troubles and cultural differences. My sister in law also sounded just like you Kelly---so upset and feeling as if she has sacrificed and constant troublles etc. I and probably all of us have had similar conversations. I recommend basically making peace with yourself and understand that you have to be pretty much selfless for about 2 years. Sometimes a little less and sometimes more depending on how many cultural differences you have to tackle. You have to be able to understand that you are going to give and give and give for a long while with very little back. I can tell you that after these men get on their feet, understand the cultural differences, feel confident and full of pride again they will reward you with appreciation. The wait can be a long one and very frustrating but I can promise you that it does happen. I saw a movie recently where it said you "Damn americans always think you have to feeeeel everything." I laughed so hard. This is true. We feel somehow unvalidated unappreciated if others dont express thanks or appreciation. Try to patient and remember to listen to each other. Tell him what you need and ask that he deliver a small portion of it to make you feel encouraged and yet make him feel as if he has something that he can give you back. (Like I tell my husband hey even a scribbly message on a napkin will make me feel appreciated.) It doesnt take much, just a little something.

I hope this helped. I can give a lot more advice here and I can relate. I just dont want to take up all the space. Anyone feel free to PM me if you want. I am glad to help or just to listen. Been there done that and doing it again!! Just this time I am more informed and more understanding!

SEEN everyone!! : )

Sara

SEEN!

[Minfay 0]

Hey Sara -- Nice to see you around again!!

I KNOW that I'm starting something again....but ....we BUST our butts to get them here, *THINK* that we (women) are going to be "respected" and treated as they treated us in the 2 yrs or however long that they did while we were "courting" and then WHAM ! step foot into this country and where does the respect go ?

.....they are like "kids in the candy store" and that's the truth.....

Disclaimer: Of course by "they" I mean only the men that I know personally and have heard about personally via friends, relatives or media outlets. In no way do I imply ALL men of a certain ethnic origin, religious background or any other "group".

Jamie -- You're the BEST!!!

"I" NEEEEED a vacation !!!!!!!!!!!! I neeeed to send ME away !!! We women should get together and go to a spa somewhere !!!!!

I think that's a great idea....

[brownnskinn 0]

"I" NEEEEED a vacation !!!!!!!!!!!! I neeeed to send ME away !!! We women should get together and go to a spa somewhere !!!!!

I think that's a great idea....

Yeah...count me in

[Jamaicagyaldat 1]

Hey Sara -- Nice to see you around again!!

I KNOW that I'm starting something again....but ....we BUST our butts to get them here, *THINK* that we (women) are going to be "respected" and treated as they treated us in the 2 yrs or however long that they did while we were "courting" and then WHAM ! step foot into this country and where does the respect go ?

.....they are like "kids in the candy store" and that's the truth.....

Disclaimer: Of course by "they" I mean only the men that I know personally and have heard about personally via friends, relatives or media outlets. In no way do I imply ALL men of a certain ethnic origin, religious background or any other "group".

Jamie -- You're the BEST!!!

"I" NEEEEED a vacation !!!!!!!!!!!! I neeeed to send ME away !!! We women should get together and go to a spa somewhere !!!!!

I think that's a great idea....

DID I MENTION I AM GOING TO JA ON SUNDAY!!! YEAH YEAH...

[*JG* 2]

quote]

3 Months???? Just out of curiosity, how was it almost a problem? Was he able to do something to clear it up?

Well, to be honest and only a few knew the real truth about this, but heck....why not tell everyone now....to try to help others....Craig WAS going to denied. I'll really never ever know the *exact* truth because of the many maaaaany lies I've been told by him. When I went down for my interview "I" personally just KNEW that he was going to be denied because I just knew he could never stop. He "stopped" about 2 weeks prior. When we went for the interview his medical wasn't at the Embassy yet.....so before we left Kingston we went over to the medical place to find out what was going on. Craig "said" he spoke to the Lab supervisor...she said his file had already gone to the Embassy....Embassy said they didn't have it....so she asked for his number and said she'll research and call him as soon as possible. We were hanging out at Sandals Whitehouse getting TOTALLY drunk and he received a phone call from her telling her that his test came back positive and for a "price" she could "make it go away"!!!! I was SOOOO PISSED OFF it was not even funny. "I" was NOT going to pay....so Craig had to come up with $330 US dollars. I ended up giving him $100 but after I got back to the states and had to reeeeally think 'bout it. STUPID ME !!!!!!!!!

My sister-in-law got high on the way to her medical. She just paid off the doctor. Happens all the time.