K1 Visa: Glad I ended it before marriage.

[KamilSoledad 9]

We just didnt work out. I think this is a good place to just "let it all hang out."

 

Worked hard to get a Visa, we got one 1/13/17, he was here for 2 weeks and we mutually agreed that the relationship wouldn't work out. I sent him back to the DR yesterday. Background: We met 5 years ago while I was on vacation. Stayed in touch on FB here and there over the course of 4 years, but nothing serious. Nov 2015 decided to give a relationship a chance. Over the course of a year visited 7 times. Met his family numerous of occasions. He met my mom and aunt. 9 months into the relationship, he proposed. 

 

Fast forward to present day:

He seemed miserable every day when I came home. Prob a mix of being depressed/nostalgic/bored. 

Didn't realize how much of a poor communicator and introverted he was until we lived together.

He was ULTRA sensitive - something I picked up on before when we were in the DR but seemed to get better. Easily offended. Only his emotions mattered. Frequently played the victim and left me feeling like I committed some kind of crime. My other friend said, "Some Dominican men are that way." Obviously you cant stereotype an entire group of people that way, but this isnt the first time Ive heard this. 2 sensitive people, where only 1 is willing to change is a recipe for disaster. 

 

He is a true Cancer. He withdraws into his shell when he is feeling offended - which seems to be ALL the time. I had to walk on egg shells around him to make sure I didnt say one word that might be misinterpreted ....and then we argue and the entire rest of the day is ruined. Literally, I would be nervous to mention my own feelings of how something made me upset/angry/sad because I knew somehow things would turn and the entire conversation would be refocused on him and how HE feels. Frequently, I found myself thinking, "wait - isn't this suppose to be about MY ISSUE that I wanted to address?"

 

I also made it VERY clear to him before we arrived to the US that I am nobody's fool, meaning, if he was just looking for an easy girl  - that was not me. I would not be delivering any and everything on a silver platter to him. Frequently, in my opinion, women do whatever JUST to keep a man. He was already aware from the very beginning that I would not be spending excessive amounts of money on him, sending his family money, etc. I would provide the things he needed, but not everything he wanted. He was aware that with him being here - I am now paying food for 2, lights for 2, water for 2, etc. Once he started working, then he could do all of those things. The best example I can give you is that, he wanted his own cell phone. I never made it so that he could not speak to his family. I offered my phone to him every day - which has long distance DR calling on it - when I got off work. I also offered to leave my phone with him during the day (one time I did and he never touched it). Mind you- he has Wifi at home  so he had access to Hangouts, Facebook Messenger, Gmail, etc. ALL "FREE". But he wanted his OWN Cell phone that accepted a chip/sim card. Mind you: I have two old smart phones that he easily couldve used, but he was persistent about one that accepted a SIM card and he wanted his OWN sim card (not the one that came with my old phone). My bleeding heart went to Metro PCS and found a very cheap unlocked phone that accepted his DR chip/SIM. The catastrophe struck when I tried adding it as an additional line to my current data plan. The phone was incompatible, thus, logically, I figured let's just take the phone back and use one of the 2 that we already knew was compatible. He was hesitant at the thought of this. I asked him, well what is the big deal about having your own Sim card? He then became very irritated with me and then I became suspicious. My thoughts are this: when you are in a tight financial spot, you can't be choosey. You should accept the other person's generosity and then once your financial status improves, then you can splurge a bit. 

 

Despite all of the sources of communication at his fingertips Interestingly, he never logged into facebook from my computer. My suspicion was that he had stuff on FB he did not want me to see - which brings me back to a time where I asked him for his FB password and would not give it to me. He was very adamant about that despite him knowing my cellphone password (which has access to all my whatsapp and FB info). I went into the history on the desktop computer while he was here and I saw where he was looking up people from his FB profile (through my account - since he never logged into his own) - women included. His persistence on having his own cell phone when he had so many resources available to him, was awfully suspicious to me. I think he was under the impression that I would cater to his every need and beckon to his every call - but Im not that type of woman and he was already aware of this. So he should've not been surprised. 

 

Never from the beginning did I suspect he was only after a Visa. He never mentioned a Visa the entire time we dated. When he mutually agreed to go back to his country - in some way, for me, it confirmed it. He does have a friend here on a VIsa who married 2 yrs ago- but come to find out they are on their way to a divorce. His friend's wife (the petitioner) told me he was "expensive, immature and never sought out work." I did not want this type of friend to rub off on him...but in retropsect, I wonder if this friend influenced him to propose, which of course leads to a visa. I can only wonder. I do know for a fact that he wanted to work and infrequently did he ask me for things throughout the relationship. 

 

I've alerted the NVC via email. I believe I would need to alert USCIS by letter too, correct?

Feel free to share your stories, comments on similar patters you've seen from my situation, etc.

 

I think it's pretty sad that after 5 years of history that it ended like this. So 2 days ago, the whole wanting a cell phone thing happened which soured an actually really good day for us. This led into yesterday - the day I sent him home. Yesterday, I took the MetroPCS phone I bought him and returned it for a refund and I left the desk top computer open which I had pulled up all of the FB women he had been looking up from the computer's history. So when he woke up he would see all of this...

 

I really had to sit down and reflect. I went to church yesterday (alone unfortunately) and instead of going to Sunday school, I went to the Prayer room so that I could wrap my head around all of this mess. The two things I prayed for: Clarity and Discernment. After reflecting on all that happened over the past few days and throughout the relationship, the Lord told me that HE HAS GOT TO GO! I think I already knew that, but some times you need to really find a moment of solitude and understand that you can't MAKE something work out that isn't going to work out. The fact that we had 5 years under out belt could NOT be a distracting factor. There's never been a time where I trusted God and he let me down. So needless to say this was a decision I new I had to make, but not necessarily an easy one. Before even talking to my ex, I purchased the ticket, and felt good about it. After church I received a msg on my phone from him asking me if he could go back to his country. Needless to say the feelings were mutual bc at this point he didnt even know I had purchased the ticket, BUT Im sure when he realized I returned the cell phone and found out about the FB search of girls that was certainly a catalyst. 

 

So.....I dropped him off at the airport. Gave him a hug and wished him well. After I dropped him off and got in the care I boo hoo'd like a baby because, this is someone that I loved and lost. Anyway, I did not hold his hand, babying him and walk into the airport with him etc, but because I am a descent human being and realize he does not speak english...I printed off his boarding passes, highlighting his seat number and gate numbers. I also made sure he only had 2 bags so that he didnt have to check anything in. I still treated him like a friend despite how ugly acting he had been. Well, I never heard anything from him when he arrived in the DR, of course I was worried ....thinking maybe he didnt make his connecting flight ,etc. so this morning I called his sister to see if he had made it there safely and she put him on the phone.....the tone of his voice I would've thought would've been that since he had so much time to contemplate everything - a bit nicer. Since he's an emotional being I figured, just like me, he may have shed a few tears......Well, I was wrong (about the tone of the voice, but pretty certain he shed some tears).  When he picked up the phone I said, "I just wanted to make sure you made it there safe." He replied, (very irritated) I made it here safe, but we had to pay for the extra luggage." Then he hung up the phone. He was so rude. So, apparently the plane mustve been full so they took his 2nd piece of luggage or something. But the fact that he was still angry about me returning that metro pcs cell phone and the fact that I didnt give him extra money for an unforseen circumstance just really blew my mind and also CONFIRMED that I did the right thing by letting him go. It didnt matter that I coughed up $200 to buy an airplane ticket home, but the fact that he had to pay $25 for luggage was what he focused on more. I treated him as a friend, but he is still caught up in his web of emotions and did not see the decency in treating me the same. Not very proud of this, but as a Scorpio we have the tendency to cut ties quick if the same respect and loyalty is not reciprocated. One of the traits I am very proud of is my loyalty. I would go to the ends of the earths for someone I love, but I cannot deal with one-sided friends or relationships. I want you to know this man I loved, is not a monster, but we all have character flaws and my goal is not to bad-mouth him.

 

I feel like I can refocus my energy on me now. Get my thoughts organized, my zumba plan back on tract, my spiritual life, my diet/work, etc. 

 

Everything is still very fresh for me guys. I know this was a super long post, but like I said - I think this is the place to let it all hang out. 

 

Women and men: respect yourself. Every day when I came home and he seemed so depressed/miserable, it rubbed off on me and my own happiness seemed to be depleting. Being a generally happy person this was a big deal. We each are responsible for our own happiness. Secondly, I feel relieved. This is  A LOT of financial burden lifted off of me. Because I loved him, I would've made it work if he would've stood up to the plate. Things sure do happen for a reason.

 

 I hope there was something here that was beneficial to you. Or in return something you can add that would clarify/benefit me - I am open to that even if it is brutally honest. I am a transparent person so beating around the bush isn't my style anyway.

 

Writing this post, in a sense has been therapeutic. Have a good day!

 

[Ben&Zian 4,398]

Well sorry it worked out this way for you; but it is definately better to have it like this than regret it later.

 

Definately understand some of your frustrations and how things went. Depending on how much face time you had prior to, a lot of us go through same type of things with having to 'adjust' or make compromises. We are still in that process here and we are 5 days from getting married; but we mutually are working on it. Sounds like you were only one truly trying.

 

As to the phone, I do somewhat understand both aspects. I wanted to add my partner onto my cell plan and get him a new phone, but he wanted to keep his old one even though it barely holds a charge. I finally got him to settle for the $45 a month unlimited plan with ATT just to get him to get something. Same though, he can use my phone(with Philippines plan on it) or has his Ipad and my laptop at home with internet so he can communicate freely (he just doesn't talk much to family); but it is the same for me as for your. I am paying naturally everything for 2 now, and he hates it and feels bad cause I have taken more hours at work even just for extra money flow (also I would anyways even if just myself). He hates it and feels bad again but I have to remind him we knew how it would be for awhile.

 

I think you went through a really common thing of really figuring that person out, and unfortunately in your case, it just wouldn't work. Again, better now than later though. Good luck to you!!

[KamilSoledad 9]

20 minutes ago, Ben&Zian said:

 

Thank you, dear. 

[Mary Lou 681]

Thank you for sharing your story. I must say a few things i can relate to in your post.

Wishing you happiness and well being.

M

[Ilovemyman 147]

i am reading your post, and sorry for you thins ended in that way.

i know how stressful is the process of k1, i was the beneficiary of a k1 that didnt ended with the trip.

my k1 was approved but for a God's wishesi was put in a long administrave processing that ended with the relationship, i was very sad but it was the best that happened.

you did the right thing sending him back, good for you

and sorry because i know how expensive is for the usc this process and travel here to DR.

you were lucky that you didnt get married and gave him the green card,

good luck next time you find someone else who really love you

[Mr&MrsZene 8]

So sad to hear this

[phoenyxx 30]

I'm with you so much on this post

My partner for the past 3 years and I have had a rocky relationship from the beginning and I'm planning on migrating in a couple weeks, if i am granted the immigrant visa. He keeps on saying that he doesn't want to move to US but we've discussed marriage and children so I don't know how we'll work thru it. The girls on facebook and the phone thing are similar on my end too.

 

I'm just trying to say 'no' and mean it

[KamilSoledad 9]

27 minutes ago, phoenyxx said:

I'm with you so much on this post

My partner for the past 3 years and I have had a rocky relationship from the beginning and I'm planning on migrating in a couple weeks, if i am granted the immigrant visa. He keeps on saying that he doesn't want to move to US but we've discussed marriage and children so I don't know how we'll work thru it. The girls on facebook and the phone thing are similar on my end too.

 

I'm just trying to say 'no' and mean it

As a means of update, Phoenyxx, I am 4 months out and I look back and realize this was the BEST decision I could've made. I would've been purely miserable. Please trust your instinct or you will regret it profoundly later. God bless you, dear and thanks for writing. 

[KamilSoledad 9]

On 3/18/2017 at 10:53 PM, Mr&MrsZene said:

So sad to hear this

You can be happy now (I am  ) Thank you. 

[KamilSoledad 9]

On 3/17/2017 at 1:42 AM, Ilovemyman said:

i am reading your post, and sorry for you thins ended in that way.

i know how stressful is the process of k1, i was the beneficiary of a k1 that didnt ended with the trip.

my k1 was approved but for a God's wishesi was put in a long administrave processing that ended with the relationship, i was very sad but it was the best that happened.

you did the right thing sending him back, good for you

and sorry because i know how expensive is for the usc this process and travel here to DR.

you were lucky that you didnt get married and gave him the green card,

good luck next time you find someone else who really love you

When you first wrote this post, I was sad reading it. I read it again today and realize you were/are 100% right and I am very happy that I was mature enough to walk away from a bad situation. Thank you very much for taking the time to write. God's plan is always better than our own  

[KamilSoledad 9]

On 2/4/2017 at 10:16 AM, Mary Lou said:

Thank you for sharing your story. I must say a few things i can relate to in your post.

Wishing you happiness and well being.

M

Your wishes came true, thank you kindly