Unexpected situation

[banhoff 0]

Hi everyone, I hope I am posting in the right forum.

 

I am in a very bad situation, I came here 2 years ago and I already filed the I-751 but my question is not regarding that. When I came here I started working in peeling potatoes in a restaurant, then delivering news paper and magazines at 3 in the morning for minimum wage. After that I found a job in a warehouse where I was in so much pain in my feet and body from lifting boxes and heavy labor, after few months I was promoted to a supervisor and I got a good pay. I was making good money and everyone was happy with my work. Recently we had a meeting at work and the owner said the company is now acquired by another company and will be closing next month, the new company is the biggest in the East Coast. Once the meeting was over the new CEO and VP called me for their office and asked me if I am interested in going with them, they are moving to Vermont, and their location is three hours away from my house, and that's in a perfect weather. I didn't know what to tell the CEO and VP so I said I will think about it. I told my wife about what happened when I went home and I said I don't mind driving, she told me that she doesn't want me to take the job and if I do then she will file for divorce. Next day I talked to the VP and I said that I can't take the job, he took that as a maneuver from my side, so he offered me a pay raise, a promotion to higher position with an office and to keep my seniority in the company. The reason they want me is this bad is that they took the old company with tons of work and contracts and I am the one who was managing their biggest client daily work flow. They even offered to pay me few thousands of dollars if I am willing to move to VT to help with housing and everything. My wife can't move there because of her kids, she have joint custody with her ex husband and they need to live in 50 mile radius from each other. She told me that I can get any job here and that Dunkin Donuts is always hiring. I don't want to work in such jobs, I really worked hard and made my way up and if I wasn't doing good job I wouldn't be offered such position. My wife said it's either our marriage or the job, I don't see why she is doing that. She said if I really love her then I would take any job even at McDonald's. I don't know what to do, I really love her and tried to talk to her a lot, all pointless. I want to build my career life and make more money instead of going backwards, and that's for both of our sake, not just me as a person. Anyone here was in such situation before?

Edited January 21, 2017 by banhoff

[Transborderwife 4,666]

What's your immigration question?

[ChiTown42 7]

5 minutes ago, Transborderwife said:

What's your immigration question?

Do you have a heart?

 

OP, sounds like a very difficult situation and a tough decision. You could say the same to her, if she loved you she'd go with you. Historically Americans follow the work, to the gold rush in the west or steel factories in the rust belt.  

 

People have made long distance relationships work and they can also destroy relationships. 

 

One thing I'd do is check the job boards in Your current area. With this new experience you've had you should be able to roll that into another similar position close to home and keep growing your career. It's tough to want to be a good provider and do it with your hands tied.

[Transborderwife 4,666]

2 minutes ago, ChiTown42 said:

Do you have a heart?

 

OP, sounds like a very difficult situation and a tough decision. You could say the same to her, if she loved you she'd go with you. Historically Americans follow the work, to the gold rush in the west or steel factories in the rust belt.  

 

People have made long distance relationships work and they can also destroy relationships. 

 

One thing I'd do is check the job boards in Your current area. With this new experience you've had you should be able to roll that into another similar position close to home and keep growing your career. It's tough to want to be a good provider and do it with your hands tied.

Yes i do, but seeing as this is Ann immigration board I was curious how it pertains to immigration 

[banhoff 0]

17 minutes ago, Transborderwife said:

What's your immigration question?

I dont think I have one at this point.

[databit 328]

Would she consider a compromise, like you living in a small apartment or long-term hotel Monday through Friday and then going home to her every weekend and holiday? 

 

If her ex is paying child support, maybe try reminding her that could stop at anytime for any reason, and your having a minimum-wage job could not support her and the kids.

[banhoff 0]

18 minutes ago, databit said:

Would she consider a compromise, like you living in a small apartment or long-term hotel Monday through Friday and then going home to her every weekend and holiday? 

 

If her ex is paying child support, maybe try reminding her that could stop at anytime for any reason, and your having a minimum-wage job could not support her and the kids.

I offered her that she refused, and no, her ex doesn't pay child support. I told her that next month I will be out of work and I have no other options, and it's hard to find such good job. She said that we can get help from the state, why would we do that? I have a good job offer already.

[Ebunoluwa 6,136]

Sounds like a tough situation to be in.

What exactly is her objection to your 3 hour daily commute ?

Six hour driving everyday is a lot, would you do that daily ?
I would not agree to a weekend marriage either if you were thinking of only coming home on weekends.

She petitioned you here to be together not live apart.

Search companies in your area closer to home, sounds like you have a great resume and experience, there should be

some good jobs a bit closer, maybe within an hour's drive radius that you can compromise on.

I understand why she can't move due to the restrictions with the joint custody, her kids are more important than

you making more money and that is as it should be.

Perhaps you can go to a marriage counselor who can mediate a compromise.

 

[Jawaree 718]

I would go with the job, since its 3 hrs commute Mon morning, , back home Tues nite, commute Wed morn,& then

Fri go home, if she has your back as a partner she'll understand you staying in a motel M,W,TH evenings of the week

to give the family a better life, she could take a trip at times to come chill with you.I think shes selfish. OP is it

that you have not yet finish in the process of obtaining a GC & she is being manupulative.Take the job & commute

[MickAmy 26]

6 hours ago, Transborderwife said:

Yes i do, but seeing as this is Ann immigration board I was curious how it pertains to immigration 

Actually, this board is for anyone who is going through immigration and has anything they want to talk about. We are all here to support one another in every step of this, even if it's after immigrating and settling in. This is not simply a board for people to get information on the immigration itself. Many people find comfort in getting advice on their daily lives from others who have had similar situations occur. This is exactly why this post is in the forum for change in family dynamics. 

 

To the OP, I would suggest having a sit down again with your spouse. Make a list of benefits and disadvantages for taking the position. Break it down in different ways so that you can see the different options and she can see it on paper. 3 hours seems like a long distance for a job but being offered the opportunity for relocation and they are willing to pay is a huge benefit. I personally have joint custody of my children and we have the 50 mile rule, except that we do not follow it. We asked the court to waive the rule due to job opportunities for us, and it was granted without a fight. If she is worried about it being an issue, she could talk with her FOC worker about it. Even if you could talk with the company about maybe relocating you halfway between where you are now and where they would like you to be, it would cut the commute down for you going to work and her getting the kids. It is hard to give sound advice on something when I don't know much about your relationship, but relationships are best when there is compromise. See if there is a happy medium you guys can work out before turning down the position or risking your marriage. 

[Essam&Farah 12]

I would be praying for you brother, but please what ever decisions you take put family first. FAMILY FIRST. 

[Patient 57]

5 hours ago, banhoff said:

I offered her that she refused, and no, her ex doesn't pay child support. I told her that next month I will be out of work and I have no other options, and it's hard to find such good job. She said that we can get help from the state, why would we do that? I have a good job offer already.

Your plan should be:

Take the job but speak to your boss about:Relocation - paying for a small 1 bed apartment for 3 months to help you move without stress. they have budget from take-over.

 

For your wife: 

• Tell her to grow up - you lived in another country, came to the USA, Boston to Vermont is 3hrs ---- yes it is city to countryside but I have family up in Vermont who do not lock doors at night  (no they are not remote in the woods farmers either!) ..... would you do that in Boston area or anywhere in MA?
• As others have posted, not unusual to work Mon-Fri away from home, or back in the week as others have suggested.
• Ask for a contractual in your contract regular "deal" to work the contracted hours but to be released from the company offices at 12 noon on Friday, plus with holiday days, yours and national, there are all sorts of things to be worked through. So you work extra hours Mon-Fri ...what else will you do?
• Technology - company VPN and other tools remote worker mean you can cover absence.
• Wife job - she has one and afraid to give it up? Hence solution above. talk it through ready for Monday AM and return to work.
• New car, free then to pop down to visit old friends and family.
• Tell her they have broadband, Wi-Fi and a lot of services in Vermont, the roads are better than MA IMHO.  From Montpelier go shopping in Florida, go to Canada - mix it up a bit, move off the Boston island. 

 

Why?

1. You "own" the biggest account relationship so will have opportunities in the new bigger organisation.
2. You will learn new practices and policies from the new company and MAY have to move again as part of your development if working in SCM or Logistics related positions. 
3. She can also sue for child support from Vermont, if her mother and family are applying pressure, definitely ask them to replace your salary and benefits package to stay ...directly to their faces and watch them reverse.
4. If she is a Bostonian, it could be a marriage crash but so many have moved to NH or even Maine as the living costs in MA for families are going up year on year.

If you do not go, your life will be a "what if" and the fact you are getting senior management support means it has already been "cleared" internally except for a few details.

 

Good luck with your decision.

 

 

 

Edited January 21, 2017 by Patient

[andy78 178]

 

7 hours ago, banhoff said:

She said that we can get help from the state, why would we do that? I have a good job offer already.

Is your wife and her kids currently receiving assistance like food stamps or anything similar, or is she planning to get that in the future? You getting a job with a higher salary means that she would lose those free benefits, because the total family income will increase. So if this is the case and that's her plan, then she would have to divorce you to keep receiving the free stuff. Which means that she would divorce you even if your high-paying job is in the same town. This might be her entire problem (not you being far away). I had a similar issue in the past with someone who wanted me to quit my job and get a minimum wage job so she can get help from the state without having to work. Luckily, I kept my job.

Edited January 21, 2017 by andy78

[milaroy 3]

I have a question how long have you been married? Why is your wife afraid of you making a better life for her and her children. The Child custody thing could be resolved by going to family court and pleading her case. What is it that you wife does for a living?

I am sorry you are going through this this is a very sticky sitiation. But some people have a very difficult problem with sudden change.

Have you and your wife ever set goals for your future? And are you and her on that track for the future goals. I only see taking this great employment opportunity as a win for the family. I believe you love your wiife so good luck on whatever your decision is. 

Edited January 21, 2017 by milaroy

[soulstriker 274]

what exactly is her job, looks like her ex husband issues is what is holding yall back , how old are the kids? its sounds dumb shes giving you a ultimatum , but it also seems your only focused on your career