AOS March 2016 filers/Part 2

[Linyahui 103]

Oh, YOU GUYS, I am just a blubbering mess right now. THANK YOU, thank you, for all of the support and encouraging words, both for me and for my husband. It sure has been a long ride (you all know that better than anyone else), but having this supportive community makes all the difference!!

 

 

[Linyahui 103]

5 hours ago, sparkles_ said:

Been there, done that. Actually doing it now. It is zero fun, isn't it

 

I'm glad you see the benefit in moving to a better/warmer/friendlier area. We are just waiting for the GC and then we are out. We have found that planning the move, discussing places and paths to getting there and opportunities we could find in said location really help us when things get negative. How about Taiwanese community in your area? I'm clueless about MN, but if it is like us in our state, my husband is the only Moroccan around. Plan for any ongoing education he will get. If he is interested in an advanced degree here, work on having his education evaluated for equivalency....basically anything that makes him feel he is doing something towards laying the foundation to the future. I remind my husband all the time of that one, this is our foundation stage, and that it is especially HIS foundation stage in America. That is a hard thing to grasp when they are in situations like our spouses, though.

 

If you are OK with him trying now, you can always encourage him to look for jobs outside MN. Girl, I'm at the point where I don't think it is worth staying in my state til the interview if my husband finds a job that makes him feel a sense of self worth and happiness, we will just move to the new state and change our address. 

 

I would also, and only if you are OK with it, discuss with him about sponsoring his mother to come live with you guys once he has the GC. That is, if mom wants to, of course. For parents it goes pretty quick. That would in theory be better than sending money home to mom (who may also be lonely) which may never be seen as enough by the family, unless this is how you guys all agreed to do things beforehand and that is totally fine, too. 

 

Lots of hugs. This is the side of this journey that people often overlook. It is a million times harder on them and their families than it is on us. 

ZERO FUN! Yes. It is the WORST. (Actually, there are a lot of things in life worse than this, but it is hard). 

 

Oh, we are FOR SURE looking forward to a warmer and friendlier area. It's not to say that people aren't friendly here in MN (MN Nice is what they're famous for!), but it's hard to get beyond surface-level friendliness/helpfulness to make real connections with people who grew up in this area. All of my friends here are fellow transplants.

 

We are already looking at (and applying to) jobs outside of MN. I am holding onto hope that we'll get the GC before an actual job offer, so wouldn't even have to mess around with reporting a new address to USCIS during the AOS process. However, if we did get an offer and were still waiting on the GC, that would not stop us from leaving!! Haha.

 

Funny you suggest the idea of his mom coming to live with/near us...I have brought that up several times, but he doesn't think she'd be into it. Plus, she has seven siblings, all of whom are still living, in Taiwan, so she does have family there....just not her son. Who knows what will happen in the future, though. 

 

I appreciate your point about this being much harder on our spouses versus us, as the US citizen spouse. That is a good reminder! I have to stay strong for him. 

[Linyahui 103]

5 hours ago, PaddyGirl13 said:

As a fellow import to Minnesota I get it. I haven't been home in 14 months and felt really down after my Mother visited for 3 weeks. It's a slump, especially in this weather. It's a time thing, it gets better. The homesickness and pressure feels worse when everything else isn't lined up, every other little issue seems magnified when you're not at your mental best. All you can do, like my Hubby did, is to listen and encourage.

 

Thanks, PaddyGirl13! Sometimes I feel like my efforts to help my hubby adjust are futile when he seems so unhappy. Yet, I know that when I'm down, just having someone there to listen and hug me makes all the difference in the world. I hope it does for him, too. And, so true that every little challenge seems to blow up when we're already worried about something else. YES! The story of this WEEK!! 

[Linyahui 103]

3 hours ago, newyorkaos said:

Linyahui- I feel for your husband, did you guys ever contemplate on moving to California and there might be more job opportunities there. You said your sister in law is NY, maybe that would make him feel more comfortable. The diversity here keeps us going. So many things to divert your thoughts into and a lot of Taiwanese, Chinese, and other Asian communities and food is unbelievably amazing. Im boasting already but we love it here. He might be missing dimsum and bubble tea and there's onein every corner and you could eat it for breakfast lunch and dinner and never repeat a store.  I saw that you are Polish, there is a lot of Polish people here too, in fact my boss is Polish and all the people who come to our clinic are from Poland. There are areas in Brooklyn where the entire strip is just everything Polish. You might wanna drag him here just for a visit.  Let him know that the GC will come and it will lift a slight worry off your shoulders, but it will come. I try to tell that myself everyday. On the job side, he might be able to make more connections and networking here and find something that suits his qualifications.

We are ALL OVER California!! That's the dream!! Warm, fresh fruit, progressive politics...and, just today, a glimmer of a chance that Cali may secede from the U.S. in 2019. WHAT!!! Plus, my parents live in AZ, so it would be nice to be closer to them.

 

We haven't really considered NYC because the climate isn't super warm (uhh, though it's probably way warmer than Minnesnowta) and it's so expensive to live there (says the woman wanting to move to California). But you are so right that the diversity and Asian communities might help ease the homesickness. Plus, his sister is there! And my Polish peeps!! It's definitely something we'll consider.

 

Since he grew up in Taipei, he isn't really keen on big cities (skyscrapers close together, etc.). I think he's more into the "American Dream"--house in the 'burbs with a lawn and tulips. But I suppose there are also tulips in NY. 

[Linyahui 103]

17 minutes ago, SanneW said:

I wish I would join you all but I am about to skip ahead and get citizen around march/april/may... I am leaving to bootcamp march 6!!!! Excited and nervous...already studying for naturalization...

just got back from a much needed cruise to recover from all the immigration stress!  You all, once you have your greencard, take a nice vacation you ALL deserve it 100%!!!

Yaaaaas, cruise!! YOLO! 

 

Bootcamp is coming up quickly!! I'm sure you will ACE the citizenship exam. Will your hubby be joining you at bootcamp? 

[SanneW 30]

6 hours ago, Linyahui said:

Friends, I need some advice and/or a sounding board. Over the past six months, my husband has become increasingly homesick, although he tries to hide it. I can see he's not happy here in MN, especially now that we're in the worst/coldest/least amount of sun part of the winter. Jan/Feb in this region are brutal, and many people experience a drop in energy/motivation/general happiness. It sucks. Plus, hubby hasn't been able to find a full-time job and is working part-time at a job he really doesn't like. He feels like he's not contributing enough because I'm the primary breadwinner right now--it's not a machismo thing, it's more that he wants us to be equal and not like he has to depend on me, which I understand.

 

Additionally, he's the eldest child and the only son (two younger sisters), and in Chinese culture, it's his job to take care of his parents. His father passed away a few years ago, so his move to the U.S. means his mom is alone much of the time. One of his sisters has been in NYC for 10+ years and the other is still in Taiwan but works a lot. People are always in each other's business in Taiwanese culture, and his mom's relatives have not been shy about letting her know that her son is not fulfilling his filial responsibility. Naturally, he feels extremely guilty, and I don't know how to handle that.

 

When we were in Taiwan over the holidays, his spirits were soaring and he was loving every minute of it (naturally). But since we've gotten back, I just feel like his happiness has taken a huge nose dive and I don't know how to help him. He's so down about his job, the weather, and our finances (which are actually fine, btw), that pretty much every conversation has a negative sheen to it. It's starting to affect me, too. I'm trying to be there for him, suggesting that we go to a Chinese restaurant for brunch, or go to a coffee shop he likes, etc. etc. to try to raise his spirits, but he just seems not interested.

 

Is there anything I can do besides listen to him when he's down and reassure him that it will get better/easier? MN is a notoriously difficult place to move as an outsider (I'm from Wisconsin and even I can count on one hand the number of friends I've made since moving here five years ago). We're working on that, hoping to relocate as soon as one of us gets a job in a warmer climate. But, in the meantime, what can I do to better support my hubby while he's going through this difficult transition? 

I am having a hard time myself, I hate my parttime job so much and didnt really make friends yet, i found out majority is two-faced... I dont really know how to advise, looking forward to go to bootcamp helps me since that litterally fixes me a job, a move, house... technically a fresh start. 

 

Maybe he can look around and apply for jobs in a different place so you guys can move with a "for sure" income in the new place. 

 

Btw, i dont mind keeping contact with anyone here eventho i wont be here for roc etc just pm me n ill giv u info n all ^^

 

Edit: my hubby be staying in our apt until i finish boot and school then he moves in once they stationed me (hopefully in cali!!!) So i will be without him a while... 7-8 weeks no electronics but we will write letters at least 2x a week! (So romantic!) And in school we got skype, yay! 

Edited January 27, 2017 by SanneW

[Ninahi 53]

Meanwhile I can't wait to get out of California, lol!

But yes, Asian communities here are vast and there is a lot of diversity. My MIL makes a point of reminding me I'm the only white person around, haha. I don't really mind, growing up in a homogenous country like Finland I'm still a little blind to ethnicity and don't notice when I'm getting stared/pointed at, and I understand what people really mean when they grunt "ugh, white people suck".

 

It really is harder for the transplant-spouse. I'm not homesick per se (well I am a bit), but I miss my culture, and all the things I know (like understanding how insurance works), and my independence. To me it's extremely difficult and degrading to be living on my spouse's income and it makes me sick to my stomach to accept help from in-laws. I haven't been able to find a job. I don't have any creative or athletic passions, and being Scandinavian, I am naturally a little reserved around people, so I haven't any hobbies or friends. In short, I'm 100% alone and I wish I had a friend I could dump my immigration and cultural frustrations on so I wouldn't have to pile them on my poor wife! But American's don't tell anyone when they're having a hard time, so I too pretend everything is fine. Internally I'm screaming and crying. 

 

I also have SAD (seasonal affective disorder), which makes these darker winter months hard to tolerate even when the weather is warm and sunny! So keep your chin up, continue supporting your spouse (trust me, anything to break the routine is good)! You'll get through this! This suffering is temporary!

Also; I get worse after a visit home. It's been a month since I got back from my trip and I'm still not back to normal functionality! Weird how that happens.

 

tl;dr: It gets better! Just stay strong.

[Linyahui 103]

5 hours ago, Ninahi said:

Meanwhile I can't wait to get out of California, lol!

But yes, Asian communities here are vast and there is a lot of diversity. My MIL makes a point of reminding me I'm the only white person around, haha. I don't really mind, growing up in a homogenous country like Finland I'm still a little blind to ethnicity and don't notice when I'm getting stared/pointed at, and I understand what people really mean when they grunt "ugh, white people suck".

 

It really is harder for the transplant-spouse. I'm not homesick per se (well I am a bit), but I miss my culture, and all the things I know (like understanding how insurance works), and my independence. To me it's extremely difficult and degrading to be living on my spouse's income and it makes me sick to my stomach to accept help from in-laws. I haven't been able to find a job. I don't have any creative or athletic passions, and being Scandinavian, I am naturally a little reserved around people, so I haven't any hobbies or friends. In short, I'm 100% alone and I wish I had a friend I could dump my immigration and cultural frustrations on so I wouldn't have to pile them on my poor wife! But American's don't tell anyone when they're having a hard time, so I too pretend everything is fine. Internally I'm screaming and crying. 

 

I also have SAD (seasonal affective disorder), which makes these darker winter months hard to tolerate even when the weather is warm and sunny! So keep your chin up, continue supporting your spouse (trust me, anything to break the routine is good)! You'll get through this! This suffering is temporary!

Also; I get worse after a visit home. It's been a month since I got back from my trip and I'm still not back to normal functionality! Weird how that happens.

 

tl;dr: It gets better! Just stay strong.

Thanks for the words of wisdom, Ninahi. It's really nice to hear from both USCs and transplant-spouses! 

 

Ha, why do you want to leave Cali? Golden land of dreams...well, if we move there, we'll for sure let you know in which city we end up. We'll be road tripping before we know it!!

 

I think my hubby is in the same boat as you now, re: returning from the trip home. Actually, I'm kind of "homesick" for Taiwan, too! I lived/worked in China for a number of years, so Chinese culture is near and dear to my heart. It was really nice to be back in a place where everyone was speaking the language, the food was so good, and my hubby was taking care of me. I think it was a big help to him! We're talking about living in Taiwan for a couple of years down the road, so I'm glad I still feel happy about that idea each time we visit.

 

Really interesting observation that Americans don't tend to open up when we're struggling with something. SO TRUE!! I guess it's ingrained in the culture--we're all supposed to have "inner fortitude" and showing emotion/asking for help is weak or something, which is RIDICULOUS! I do have a hard time asking for help, but definitely wear my heart on my sleeve!! Haha, you would probably wish that I would just stop talking about my feelings already. 

 

It's so hard when you don't feel a sense of community and can't find work. I can only imagine how you're feeling now (and my husband, too). Thanks for encouraging me to continue breaking up the routine. I think we both feel better when we go out to do something new or socialize, even for a short time. Hopefully, you and your wife are doing similar things. 

Hang in there! We'll all get through this, eventually.

 

 

[Ninahi 53]

okay I'll respond in long form later but MY GC WAS APPROVED TODAY! 

15 long long months, but it's finally over. For ROC I think we'll get an attorney.

[sparkles_ 456]

13 hours ago, Ninahi said:

okay I'll respond in long form later but MY GC WAS APPROVED TODAY! 

15 long long months, but it's finally over. For ROC I think we'll get an attorney.

OMG!!!! Yesssss, yes!! 

[Ninahi 53]

14 hours ago, Linyahui said:

Thanks for the words of wisdom, Ninahi. It's really nice to hear from both USCs and transplant-spouses! 

 

Ha, why do you want to leave Cali? Golden land of dreams...well, if we move there, we'll for sure let you know in which city we end up. We'll be road tripping before we know it!!

 

I think my hubby is in the same boat as you now, re: returning from the trip home. Actually, I'm kind of "homesick" for Taiwan, too! I lived/worked in China for a number of years, so Chinese culture is near and dear to my heart. It was really nice to be back in a place where everyone was speaking the language, the food was so good, and my hubby was taking care of me. I think it was a big help to him! We're talking about living in Taiwan for a couple of years down the road, so I'm glad I still feel happy about that idea each time we visit.

 

Really interesting observation that Americans don't tend to open up when we're struggling with something. SO TRUE!! I guess it's ingrained in the culture--we're all supposed to have "inner fortitude" and showing emotion/asking for help is weak or something, which is RIDICULOUS! I do have a hard time asking for help, but definitely wear my heart on my sleeve!! Haha, you would probably wish that I would just stop talking about my feelings already. 

 

It's so hard when you don't feel a sense of community and can't find work. I can only imagine how you're feeling now (and my husband, too). Thanks for encouraging me to continue breaking up the routine. I think we both feel better when we go out to do something new or socialize, even for a short time. Hopefully, you and your wife are doing similar things. 

Hang in there! We'll all get through this, eventually.

 

 

If you ever need to rant or just get those feelings out, you can message me anytime. I pride myself in being the agony aunt, haha. Feelings are just feelings, we all have them, no harm letting them out.

 

For me, I don't feel at home in the climate here. I miss seasons. I miss water (lately it rained a lot, I've been ecstatic). I used to live by a river bank and took my dog out for 6km walks every day up and down the stream. Not very walkable where I live! The people are friendly enough, but distant. But I suppose that's the experience no matter where you move, until you find your own group of people to associate with. Currently I tag along with my wife to her hobbies and social engagements just to get a little human interaction.

 

My wife is making a big effort to ensure we do something fun every weekend to break the monotony. I enjoy it even if it's just the movies, or a walk downtown, or paying for an overpriced coffee in a coffee shop (ugh why is everything always in a takeaway cup). Hikes are my favorite. I've been to the theater more times in the past 1.5 year than my entire life, haha! So although it can feel like a struggle, I really do recommend breaking routine to allow your spouse to enjoy the country while they suffer the uncertainty of the immigration process. You can do this! 

[Linyahui 103]

16 hours ago, Ninahi said:

okay I'll respond in long form later but MY GC WAS APPROVED TODAY! 

15 long long months, but it's finally over. For ROC I think we'll get an attorney.

CONGRATU-FREAKING-LATIONS!!! What great news during this otherwise terrible (news-wise) weekend.

[Linyahui 103]

2 hours ago, Ninahi said:

If you ever need to rant or just get those feelings out, you can message me anytime. I pride myself in being the agony aunt, haha. Feelings are just feelings, we all have them, no harm letting them out.

 

For me, I don't feel at home in the climate here. I miss seasons. I miss water (lately it rained a lot, I've been ecstatic). I used to live by a river bank and took my dog out for 6km walks every day up and down the stream. Not very walkable where I live! The people are friendly enough, but distant. But I suppose that's the experience no matter where you move, until you find your own group of people to associate with. Currently I tag along with my wife to her hobbies and social engagements just to get a little human interaction.

 

My wife is making a big effort to ensure we do something fun every weekend to break the monotony. I enjoy it even if it's just the movies, or a walk downtown, or paying for an overpriced coffee in a coffee shop (ugh why is everything always in a takeaway cup). Hikes are my favorite. I've been to the theater more times in the past 1.5 year than my entire life, haha! So although it can feel like a struggle, I really do recommend breaking routine to allow your spouse to enjoy the country while they suffer the uncertainty of the immigration process. You can do this! 

Thank you for the offer (re: agony aunt) and for sharing how I can best support my husband. I will take your words to heart!!

We are currently at a cafe, enjoying overpriced coffee out of real coffee cups. It's a start...

[sparkles_ 456]

Guys, I'm getting really nervous about this ban Trump is laying down. I've been hearing rumors that anyone who basically seems Muslim is turned away at airports, even green card holders. 

 

Im really worried this will stop or slow down things for us. And that he may have issues renewing his EAD 

[daveyjoe! 5]

30 minutes ago, sparkles_ said:

Guys, I'm getting really nervous about this ban Trump is laying down. I've been hearing rumors that anyone who basically seems Muslim is turned away at airports, even green card holders. 

 

Im really worried this will stop or slow down things for us. And that he may have issues renewing his EAD 

I too am shocked and sick to my stomach about everything. 

 

I know what it is like to wait thru immigration. I couldn't imagine just as I thought all the waiting and the paperwork was over, suddenly it would mean nothing in the blink of an eye.  I would be beyond emotional repair. 

 

That being said, on a personal level I'm very very upset. My husband and I are in Italy (his origin country). We have our date on the 23rd for our interview. Because of a massive miscommunication between us when packing - we forgot to bring any of our supporting documents with us (no visas, no marriage certificate beyond our EAD). We are flying Emirates and my husbad has a lot of facial hair and reads sometimes to people as middle eastern. I'm nervous that depending on who we get at check in at JFK they may decide to deny us entry. 

 

Of course this is far less a concern as those that are currently being detained simply because of their religion and the executive order Trump signed regarding those specific countries. I'm so sad this is what has become of this country. At this point I don't even want to remain in the states as all this terror occurs....

 

 

Edited January 28, 2017 by daveyjoe!