LET'S TALK ABOUT YOUR RED FLAGS

[Sofiyya 1,687]

It's still at the NVC, but should be going to Casa soon. We had our two-year anniversary in February, so we're over the hump as far as the ten year card goes.

I wanted to thank you especially for your help with my accidental transition from K3 to CR1/IR1, and my fears about our red flags. I am extremely grateful for your patience and grace. My husband and I send our love to you both. If you don't mind, I'd love to PM you to hear how Stephe, Tarak and their children are doing. I hear more about the shenanigans of a couple of their old friends now here in the US, but little about them.

Edited April 3, 2007 by Green-eyed girl

[doodlebug 3]

I definitely agree....at times I do not feel ''married''....it is alot different than any other experience in my life. And I know it is hard for all of us to see couples actually TOGETHER and to know that even if I have a horrible day and desperately need to talk to my husband, my best friend, that is ALL I can do is TALK to him...there is no physical touch...no hug...no one to wipe my tears. Then to know that some of you guys have been in the ''visa journey'' for triple as long as me...how the ####### do you do it? And what am I complaining about? This is truly the biggest test for me so far in my life and to know that I am not even half way through. OMG!

you took the words out of my mouth

My husband sent me a text today .. saying that he wouldnt even know what to do with himself if after All Of This we were denied.. me too .. i think it would be the straw that broke the camels back

I know it's not funny but that made me chuckle. Sometimes you just gotta laugh.

I've defintely thought about what if he gets denied. Then I push it out of my head 'cause I don't wanna deal. If it were just me to think of I'd move in a NY minute. Quite frankly if it were just me I'd move anyway and I wouldn't even deal with this crapola at all. I would LOVE life there. Believe it or not I'm not a very materialistic person and after the initial day or two of culture shock I was really loving the simple lifestyle and the focus that I had on Allah, you know? I can't wait to go back not only to see him but to revitalize my faith. I definitely have to focus a LOT more living here to keep myself on the straight and narrow while when I'm there, it's not such a task. I think if my ex weren't as involved with my kids as he is I would then make the big leap and move us all out there if he got denied. I don't have that option though since even though he's not the dad of the year, they do still need to be with him.

[deemabrouk 0]

I've defintely thought about what if he gets denied. Then I push it out of my head 'cause I don't wanna deal. If it were just me to think of I'd move in a NY minute. Quite frankly if it were just me I'd move anyway and I wouldn't even deal with this crapola at all. I would LOVE life there. Believe it or not I'm not a very materialistic person and after the initial day or two of culture shock I was really loving the simple lifestyle and the focus that I had on Allah, you know? I can't wait to go back not only to see him but to revitalize my faith. I definitely have to focus a LOT more living here to keep myself on the straight and narrow while when I'm there, it's not such a task.

Ditto.

[Nasturtium 500]

sooooo funny! Even thou my husband and I speak common language sometimes we still use the hand gestures ... and i use them all the times with the family. Who of course, with my luck...speak no french or german or english True love is when you do anything for that person. So I applaud you sister for taking the classes! Bravo!

We use them on words which require some sort of "finer" understanding of direction usually.. like one day he told me to be "at ease" and go ahead and "spread my legs." Now we were in the livingroom with his whole family, and of course I started to crack up! I used handmotions later that night to show him the difference between "stretch" and "spread" indicating "spread" in most uses indicates a side-to-side motion (spreading butter, legs, whatever heehee!)

[Nasturtium 500]

It's not as easy as the US, but it can be done, there are jobs and/or ways to make money, and there are guys at the cafes who prefer to do that rather than put in some sweat. And certainly there are guys who give their money to their families and help with the expenses, as it should be. And there are those that don't.

It's definately not easy in Jordan, but my husband lives with his family-- his mother (his father died this November), his two unmarried sisters, and his two unmarried brothers. His one sister cannot work, his mother can't of course (this is village life and she can't walk anyway, in addition to this she is siezing off and on and is 77), his one brother lost his job after being in a car crash and being in a coma for several months causing brain damage (I was there for this actually) and then his other brother has something akin to (or perhaps) Cerebral Palsy. So my husband supports his family on less than 200JD/month which is not enough-- he draws loans. He's reached the top of his profession in Jordan because of his lack of PhD. Same job with less work if you have it, but also quadruple the salary. he works from 8am-5pm at least every day, and then spends his time preparing for his lectures and writing articles in his spare time.

He has never once asked me for money. When i come I pay for my ticket and I bring some money which I ask him to "hold" and he understands (now! took a fight!) that he will dole this out as we go. He pays for the apartment he rents and he pays for the gas for his car, etc.

He has asked if I need him to send ME money, but I always declined even at my worst times because I know he is strapped for cash as well.

[Henia 11]

Everyone makes their choices about how to go through the waiting time for a visa, but to say someone is sad (and a woman is sad for "allowing" her husband to work this sad job) who makes an effort to contribute to his relationship or family is mindblowing to me. The truth is, most Moroccans have humble jobs. Most foreigners that come here get humble jobs, at least to start. Nothing sad about that. If it were, that means no guy should get a humble job here if his wife makes more money.

I did not mean to offend with the "sad" comment. I think you misunderstood my point, or maybe not, I don't know. Believe me, my husband has not worked glamorous jobs since being here, so I'm not talking about that. And I don't think a woman is "sad" for allowing her husband to work even if she makes more than enough money, that wasn't what I was trying to say at all. I think it would be sad if the woman was *demanding* that he work at a low-paying job simply because she was afraid of the impression it might give to others if he were not working.

It's one thing for a man to want to work a not-so-glamorous job because he wants to contribute and that's what's available at the time. That is certainly admirable and should be applauded. IMO, it's quite another thing for a woman to demand that her out-of-work husband get a job doing just *anything*, even if the income is not needed, just because she will feel or she's afraid that people will think he's using her for her money. I hope you can understand what I'm trying to say.

I understand you clearly, and I totally disagree. I didn't get the impression from Henia at all that she meant that wives should demand this as a test but that a well-intentioned guy would **want** to do this and if he didn't, that would be a red flag. Coupled with the situations she is describing, and we all know they exist, it can say a lot about a person.

I don't understand why a man wouldn't work, and why expecting that he does equals demanding, no matter if it's selling tea, washing dishes, or cleaning toilets. Most people in the world feel their best when they are contributing in some way.

As I said, I think everyone makes their choices that are right for them based on what they know about their spouse, and I could care less, I'm not the CO and I don't have to live that couple's life. But for me, I see no reason an able-bodied person shouldn't work (caveat: unless they are going to school full time) just because s/he doesn't "need" to, and I would never suggest it to my own spouse knowing that it would make him feel like ####### that I was insinuating his contribution wasn't worth it, so he might as well just quit. If that's sad, well, I'll be sad.

First and foremost I ask Allah for guidance for all of us, to make our path in this INS trail and with our SOs easy, for it HE who is able. Amin.

Surat 30: 21 reads:

And one of His signs is that He created mates for you from yourselves

that you may find rest in them, and He put between you love and compassion;

most surely there are signs in this for a people who reflect.

So we all should deal with our spouses with the utmost love and compassion. They are our blankets, our soulmates.

Personally my views have nothing to do with me worrying about what my family,friends or community think about my relationship. They are going to talk anyway. They talk now. To put it nicely they think it rather bizarre my husband would in the first place want to marry a divorced woman with a child, and also bizarre that I would leave him to "fend" for himself for 5 months. OUr house is rather famous one, in that my husband did not it clean since i left. Sooooo in his family's eye I am evil. (whatever) and from my family's side they donnot get why I married a Muslim man, who they assume is Arabe (yes they are racist) from an Arabe land.

And yes, I totally agree with what you said Peezey. People do feel better when they contribute, even if it cleaning wc or selling tea/peanuts on the street corner. Job is a job. People all over the world profit from earning minimal amounts of money. The amount is not really the point. It is effor and pride taken when earning it. It shows alot about the charachter of the man. I know personally, I would rather marry a poor humble man then a rich egoist.

And if we speak Islamically (since most of our SOs on this particular forum are Muslim...also many of us are Muslim) then we must consider first and foremost the rights and duties of the martial relation as laid down by the Qurán. Islam has laid down some universal fundamental rights for humanity as a whole, which are to be observed and respected under all circumstances whether such a person is resident within the territory of a Muslim state or a non-Muslim state (and wheither that person lives in a 3rd, developing or weathly country) Also women, Muslim or not married to Muslim men should take the time to learn the figh of Islamic family life. We sure spent enough time talking to our SO, cruising VJ and the INS boards...why not take also the time to understand the rights of spouses, roles and conditions in marriage?!

As the attitude worldview of *most* Muslims the basis of full submission to the natural will/ruling of Allah (swt), the Creator, the Provider, the Giver or Life and Death. He has enjoined that upon us, and HE knows best what is right for us. So I see no reason to go against Allah, for I know I am true believer. I accept the qadr of Allah... even if it includes seperation from my husband, having no money, going throu INS for months, maybe years... we simply cannot go against what willed.Be sure that man will ask for his ALL his rights on you... he will not think second on it. And sometimes I think we women are just too nice, thinking things are hard for our men. Well honey, life is hard... happiness was never gauranteed to us. Only death was. Ajr (reward) is given to one who are tested and overcome these tests.And again I want to stress the fact that not of us are Muslims on this forum, buuuuuut for those who do have SOs coming from ME/NA most of their thinking stems from Islamic culture. And well, to put it nicely you might as well get with the program... know what it is about... then have problems later on.

Islam has enjoined upon the husband duties towards his wife, and vice versa. Among these duties are some which are shared by both husband and wife.

The wife has financial rights over her husband, which are the mahr (dowry), spending and accommodation. Take Khadijja the first wife of the Pr. Mohammed (saw) she was a wealthy women, yet the Prophet took full responsibity for her.

And in these finanical rights mahr and spending is included. The scholars agreed that it is obligatory for husbands to spend on their wives, on the condition that the wife make herself available to her husband. If she refuses him or rebels, then she is not entitled to that spending. The reason why it is obligatory to spend on her is that the woman is available only to her husband, because of the marriage contract, and she is not allowed to leave the marital home except with his permission. So he has to spend on her and provide for her, and this is in return for her making herself available to him for his pleasure. ANd believe me ladies, these men take this right all too seriously. Never will they give up this right.... so why should you? And sure, but Surat Talaaq 65:7

Let the rich man spend according to his means; and the man whose resources are restricted, let him spend according to what Allaah has given him

We know we should live with our husbands within their means. You cannot simply ask a man making $200 montly to buy that thing that costs $300. And sure, any help you assist him with, is merely a gift. Never required. But for myself, knowing myself and my experience with my ex... I am not training my husband (now) to get too accustomed to my "help". Edited April 4, 2007 by Henia

[Henia 11]

Until you're living in a "real" marriage then it's every man or woman for him/herself (in my world).

My world also!

These aren't children we're married to, they're grown men. Why should we coddle them?

Yes, why? My husband is more physically stronger then I am? Even if he did not have a degree or any skills... could he not be som manual labour or small business?! I think so!

[Henia 11]

Everyone makes their choices about how to go through the waiting time for a visa, but to say someone is sad (and a woman is sad for "allowing" her husband to work this sad job) who makes an effort to contribute to his relationship or family is mindblowing to me. The truth is, most Moroccans have humble jobs. Most foreigners that come here get humble jobs, at least to start. Nothing sad about that. If it were, that means no guy should get a humble job here if his wife makes more money.

I did not mean to offend with the "sad" comment. I think you misunderstood my point, or maybe not, I don't know. Believe me, my husband has not worked glamorous jobs since being here, so I'm not talking about that. And I don't think a woman is "sad" for allowing her husband to work even if she makes more than enough money, that wasn't what I was trying to say at all. I think it would be sad if the woman was *demanding* that he work at a low-paying job simply because she was afraid of the impression it might give to others if he were not working.

It's one thing for a man to want to work a not-so-glamorous job because he wants to contribute and that's what's available at the time. That is certainly admirable and should be applauded. IMO, it's quite another thing for a woman to demand that her out-of-work husband get a job doing just *anything*, even if the income is not needed, just because she will feel or she's afraid that people will think he's using her for her money. I hope you can understand what I'm trying to say.

I understand you clearly, and I totally disagree. I didn't get the impression from Henia at all that she meant that wives should demand this as a test but that a well-intentioned guy would **want** to do this and if he didn't, that would be a red flag. Coupled with the situations she is describing, and we all know they exist, it can say a lot about a person.

I don't understand why a man wouldn't work, and why expecting that he does equals demanding, no matter if it's selling tea, washing dishes, or cleaning toilets. Most people in the world feel their best when they are contributing in some way.

As I said, I think everyone makes their choices that are right for them based on what they know about their spouse, and I could care less, I'm not the CO and I don't have to live that couple's life. But for me, I see no reason an able-bodied person shouldn't work (caveat: unless they are going to school full time) just because s/he doesn't "need" to, and I would never suggest it to my own spouse knowing that it would make him feel like ####### that I was insinuating his contribution wasn't worth it, so he might as well just quit. If that's sad, well, I'll be sad.

Well, I can agree to disagree.

If I were out of work and it took me six months to find another job in my field and we were not struggling financially, I would have no problem not contributing for those six months until I found a job. It's a different story if that lack of income would cause financial hardship. In that case, I would go get any job I could.

I don't know, I guess for me work is just a way to make money. It does not provide any sort of fulfillment or satisfaction for me. There are many other things I would rather be doing with my time. If I didn't need money, I would be doing those other things, not working.

Also another BIG difference btwn being out work or 6m cos of a lay-off or some other *valid* reason and not not *wanting* to work. As said many many times before, it is ALL about EFFORT they make. If my husband earned $1 a day, but I know he tried his best (not sitting in the cafe smoking, drinking his coffee, playing with his portable) then I would love him then if he just had it all going for him without any effort. Effort Effort Effort!!!!!!!!

[Henia 11]

If I were a guy I wouldn't think twice about sending money to him to even out the score as much as one can while their other half lives in a third world country, but for some reason because I'm a woman I feel strange about it. Obviously when he's here I'll be supporting him until he gets his work authority thingie and even after that for a couple of years I know I'll certainly be making more than him, so why just because he's living apart from me should I not help him out? (I don't know the answer to that question btw)

I wonder if sending money is viewed differently for spouses and fiances. I mean isn't it normal for a husband and wife to interminge their finaces? Doodle- have you considered opening an account in Egypt that you would both have access to? I think it would be normal for spouses living apart to spend thier funds in both countries- married couples are after all sustaining two households. Whereas fiances are not legally.

I don't think everyone intermingles finances, I know I never did. Our joint account for the purposes of AOS were just that and normally held a very small balance. I think financial decisions are usually made together, at least for big purchases or changes, but I have never intermingled finances. So for me, it's no different.

As Henia says, there is a huge difference between helping for an emergency and sending a crazy huge allowance to an able-bodied guy. Usually a guy living with his family has few expenses, and certainly not nearly the expenses of a household in the US. How much work is it to make a few bucks to pay for his cigarettes and coffee and save a little money? Frankly, I'd be resentful I was working and sending him money so he could mess around. What are the expenses of a young Moroccan or Egyptian guy that he can't at least get a day labor job a few times a week? (And no one tell me the jobs aren't there, at least in Morocco, there are options other than selling tea...my FIL hires at least 50 guys a day and always needs more, and even sends guys over to the cafe to ask if guys want work when not enough have shown up at the gates, and they are most often turned down. He pays $15/day plus 2 meals, which means if someone worked a whole month, that's $300 and a very decent salary for Morocco.)

Yes, as I have lived here in Algeria I SEE that it costs much much less to run a household here then it does in the US. Here most people have already their houses or flats (...in the US people rent or pay mortages...), bills here: food, electric, buy a few fon cards for your portable and your extra spending for yourself. Aaaaand maybe if you have a car, petrol (....US: car payments, insurance, petrol, electric, water, trash, taxes, fees, food,etc etc etc)

Believe me, I have been amazed on how money we can *comfortably* live on here. And as Peezey says unlike the US many places of work in ME/Na offer a meal and coffee breaks during the work day. Try to find that in the US. Work hours are much more lex (spelling sorry). dude, my husband just text messagng his boss if he does not want to come to work. Hahahaha try and do that in the US And as Peezey also say most MENA people live in a household which includes mum, dad, sisters, brothers...so the expense is divided. Unlike in most US homes, where it is single income. Even here, my husband lived alone...but still he is doing fine. And even with the HIGH umemployment rate here, if you WANT a job... you WILL find a job.

[Henia 11]

Most people in the world feel their best when they are contributing in some way.

peezy, don't you agree that there are many ways to contribute beside monetarily? I think that a situation where the husband doesn;t work needs to be looked at in the specific circumstances of that couple. Sometimes not working is the best solution for the couple. I think everyone can agree that there are men who abuse this situation and the women who are supporting them, but not every nonworking man fits this category.

I think if the couple were living together, had children and the wife had a better possiblity to earn more then the husband...then I *might* do for it. But personally, unless he is in school full time doing some major degree, physically unable to work (temporaily of course,...cos if this was premanently then why would I need him? ) then...there is nooooooooo reason not to work.

Even upoin arrival to the US, without the SS a man can find some crappy job in a resturant washing dishes or something. He will out of the house, knowing what takes in the US to earn a buck, talking with people, learning the way of life in that country. SOrry if my husband didnt make an effort i would see no reason to be with him. And I am not saying I would not work and require him support me. I would have no problem contributing to the pot until we are settled. But I will damned if I will working like a donkey while he sits as home on the Net chatting, or crusing the streets with my debit card in his hand. Not in this life!

[Henia 11]

I have to disagree, that a guy living with his family has few expenses...

Omer lives with his mother, two sisters, and brother- all able bodied and working. But they are indeed working class- earning very little.

He gives nearly his entire paycheck to his family every week. (he earns quite a bit for Turkish standards- actually, more than a teacher- about $500 USD a week- working from 3pm until 5am 6 days a week)

His father recently passed, and his funds paid for the funeral. His family went into some debt a year and a half ago for his sisters wedding- he paid that, and his older sister just had a baby- he paid for that.

I have never sent him money, but I know he works very hard to provide for his family. Life is very hard financially for many people outside of the USA. It's not so easy- to "just go out and get a job'.

At the same time, I do believe a work ethic is important. It will be difficult for him to arrive here and not work.

It depends on how many males live in the household. More males more ways the pot is divided. And NOT all men give their whole paycheck into the pot. Also depends on how many persons are living in the household need to be supported. And events like burial and wedding, etc... those are not really counted. Not everyday type things. When my shuabnd married me...it took him a while too to gather the funds for it. And as far as you SO paysing for his sister's wedding and baby. That was his *gift* not requirement. The husband and father of those women are the required ones...not him. So basically he is just a good man doing a good thing. Not required at all.

And I thnk as they mature they give more. Younger ones tend to want more "play" money.

Edited April 4, 2007 by Henia

[Henia 11]

I talk to my husband everyday and share and all that good and fun stuff. He knows what I do all day and vice versa. This is not "special". I'm thinking we all pretty much have the same type of relationships. I don't feel "single" yet I don't fully feel married either. Not sure how you can truly feel married if you're living half the world away from someone. Talking on the phone and online and visiting each other a few times a year isn't the same as living together full time. It's not even in the same galaxy as being the same.

No it is not the same.

[Henia 11]

I would personally have the age, divorce and i have only made one trip there.

None of which i can change now what??

To be totally honest, if I could go back and change anything, I would have been there for the interview. I don't know if it would have changed the outcome, but maybe, just maybe, I wouldn't have had to wait the extra 15 months.

We came very close to getting a denial (or intent to return the petition to USCIS) and I think the only thing that saved us was Idir's handling of the interview. This can not be underestimated.

We met in person, not online. I was in Morocco twice before sending in the petition. The petition was sent in 8 months after we first met. The interview was 13 months after meeting. We had no language barrier. So did we have red flags? not really.

But I am not fooling around when I say we were almost denied. The most important determining factor in our case was showing communication. Maybe I was too comfortable going into the interview. Certainly it was clear there was no fraud, no red flags...but the consulate has a different eye.

Idir brought in samples of e-mails, phone records, but only those from my mobile (showing calls to and from his cell and by phone card), and a few photos. Surely in my mind I had laid out the evidence they needed.

I had deleted photos using my new camera while in Morocco. We lost over 2 weeks of photos- photos with his family, photos of us together in the SAME photos! The consulate insisted on seeing more photos. Idir explain what happened. I think she believed him, but still he left thinking she wanted more photos.

We had to scramble after the interview. The 221g stated - a new court report and more evidence of communication. We printed off over 100 emails, i scaned and emailed newer phone records, I took my digital cameral card to see if any photos could be recovered and when they couldn't got a receipt stating this fact. I wrote the consualte a note about the photos and attached the reciept, and hotel reciepts to show us together in Casa (thanks god I had them) along with letters from friends who knew us as a couple. We found only one or 2 photos that we did not send in. It was an organized response- logical, rational.

It was enough to satisfy the CO and the visa was issued.

Had idir not been able to handle the interview as well as he did, I am sure we would have been one of those that saw the petition returned without the chance to submit more evidence. It would have been because we looked at our own case through our eyes and nto the eye of the consulate. Looking back afterwards, i can see what the consulate saw and do nto thik we were targeted unfairly. Of course every CO is different and ours may have just been one that wanted all the i dotted and t crossed.

No matter how confident you are that you are a legitimate couple, you can get denied.

I think people downplay the red flags. You must take them seriously. The CO isn't there to prove that your marriage is real, he/she is there to prove that your marriage is a sham, and that is how they conduct the interview. You are lucky that the CO gave your SO the opportunity to provide more proof of your relationship so as to avoid a returned petition. The majority of the returned petitions are decided without viewing any proof.

One of the red flags is that the applicant has family in the US, especially if that person came on a fiance/marriage visa and is now divorced. I qualify for #2 and 9, but I think what tipped the scales on our returned petition was a misunderstanding that his sister was brought here on a fiance visa and then got a divorce. When we got the Notice of Intent to Revoke our petition they didn't mention anything about the sister, but gut feeling told me to provide proof. It paid off because when we got my rebuttal back you could see the notations about his sister.

It appears that this trend to return petitions has slowed down here on VJ, and I hope it doesn't pick up again. Its heart wrenching.

Now, as far as sending your SO money. Touchy subject. I did send maybe a total of $100.00 to him In the 2 years after we were married. He only asked once, and was extremely embarrassed to ask. On the other hand, he has many friends that I have actually seen ask money from more than 1 woman at a time for money. I view it as appalling, but they view it differently. According to his friend he is seeing which one of them is generous enough, and in turn that shows him which of them really truly loves him. I don't know, I still think he is justifying his behaviour.

As for a job. When my husband first got here we went to the SS office and applied for his card. About 2 weeks later my dad was hospitalized, and they wouldn't release him until he had someone that could be with him 24/7. None of my brothers or my sister could/would do it. I was very grateful that my husband, that had just met my dad 2 weeks prior, offered to take care of him. Anybody who has taken care of an elderly or handicapped person can relate to the responsibility he took on. My dad passed away a month ago yesterday and I was so grateful that my husband was here and jobless.

He still doesn't have a job as of yet. Now my sister is in need of help cleaning out her mother-in-laws house, and my husband has again offered to help. Now that doesn't seem to be an extremely difficult task, but OMG, I saw her house and I am here to tell you, they couldn't pay me enough to do it!

Sorry, long story. Basically what I am saying is that to each his own. Some combine resources and don't mind if they are putting in a bigger percentage. Some keep their finances seperate....much the same as american couples. We are not all cut from the same cookie cutter. Some people want the man to support them, and some don't really care. They can provide in so many ways other than financial. I have to be honest here, if by chance my husband and I are lucky enough to conceive I would be thrilled if he was a stay at home daddy, although I doubt he would want too.

One other note, glad to see that this thread has stayed so civil inspite of the differing opinions.

See, effort like the effort that that SO made with the father is priceless. Worth more then any job.

[Henia 11]

I talk to my husband everyday and share and all that good and fun stuff. He knows what I do all day and vice versa. This is not "special". I'm thinking we all pretty much have the same type of relationships. I don't feel "single" yet I don't fully feel married either. Not sure how you can truly feel married if you're living half the world away from someone. Talking on the phone and online and visiting each other a few times a year isn't the same as living together full time. It's not even in the same galaxy as being the same.

My husband and I have talked about this, too. moody. He's having a very hard time being apart because he's so family oriented and he's a husband with no real wife. Going to family gatherings is rough for him because he's there alone, and has been for two years now. He doesn't see it as quite the same as being married, nor is he single. To him, my abilty to fly back and forth relatively effortlessly is the remedy, but I want him to have all the privileges of being an LPR, then a USC, so he can fly back and forth relatively effortlessly too. So, we wait . . .

On my end, I let few people out side of close friends and family know that my husband doesn't live with me. First, you have to explain that you're not separated due to a pending divorce. Then, after they get the immigration part, they CANNOT understand why a US citizen who married overseas isn't allowed to just put their spouse on a plane with them and bring them over, simple as that. It takes forever to make them understand it doesn't work that way, and more than half still don't believe you. It's not worth the time.

Waw SubhanAllah this almost brought tears to my eyes. As we had, have the same thing. People thought, think we got married, things did not go right then seperated. No way to explain what is going on. They cannot understand it. As you said, they think the spouse can just jump on that plane and come.

[limah 1]

I thought I'd bring the issue over here so as to separate it from the language thread, which was related to a specific issue. So, as Chiquita posted there, Ellis sees the red flags as:

1. A very brief courtship followed by a plunge into matrimony;

2. A marriage ceremony arranged only a short time after petitioner arrives in the beneficiary’s country and they meet for the first time;

3. No common language;

4. Petitioner resides with family members of the beneficiary in the US;

5. Petitioner is employed by or has a business relationship with a relative of beneficiary;

6. Petitioner submits phone records that show he uses a residential phone number that is listed in the name of another person.

7. US divorce followed very quickly by an engagement to foreign beneficiary is often a red flag for consular officers.

8. There is little or no documentary evidence of the relationship prior to the actual engagement.

9. Long gaps of time between the petitioner & beneficiary being together in person.

10. Failure to disclose previous marriages;

11. Failure to disclose previous petitions filed on behalf of other beneficiaries.

Do you have any of these red flags?

If you've already been past the interview stage, did you have any of these? Were they addressed at the interview? How did you prepare yourselves to address them? What advice would you give to others with the same red flags preparing for their interviews?

ETA: I don't think this list is comprehensive for some of the MENA consulates. What would you add?

I have been kinda snoopin around this thread for a couple of days tryng to decide if I wanted to say anything about what I "think" our red flags may be that affected Abdel's denial. Some of it is too personal....

#1 I knew my husband for quite sometine before we deided to marry. We were just friends prior to an actual decision to "kick it up a notch" and move foreward and pursue a relationship.

#2 I think could be a red flag, if u will, but honestly, I did come here to marry him. I dont have that kinda money to be

"checkin nobody out", so......

#3 his english is great, my arabic is not....

#4 I have my own place....

#5 he has his own gig, I do have some prospects for him when he gets here, but how could they know that?

#6 Phone record are in my brothers name, which both of our names are on the lease, but they never looked at it so I dont even think it mattered............... My brother and I hve been living together for about 7years on and off. He JUST moved out when he thought Abdel would be here to give us privacy..... GO FIGURE!

#7 Neither of us have never been married! WOO-HOO!! No baby mama drama... Im bout sick of that nonesense!

#8 Didn't know we would nee all that for immigration services so documentation starts about 4 months b4 I came to Maroc with my daughter.....

#9 Visites 2wce in 1 year, for the marriage and after the intreview......... If I knew then what I know now..........

#10 see #7

#11 I have never filed a petition on behalf of anyone else.....

I am sure that the list goes on and on and on as to what constitues "red flags". I guess youjust can tell. Like I mentioned earlier, I wish I had known half of the things that I know now. Would it have changd anything? Maybe so, maybe not... who knows?

And just to comment on a few other things I've seen here about the Hubz working or not working, Abdel said he would be "ill" if he didnt have a job. I just giggle at how he uses the word 'ill', but anyway... to each his own. He does have 2 sisters in the US, never mentioned in the interview. They send money here every month, well their husbands do. I am not doing that. I don't do it now. Once Abdel gets to the USA and starts working, its our household first, and thats it. Not cuz I say so but because we say so. He is the last of the mohicans to be at home. He made sure that his brothers and sisters were settled enough in their own lives before he pursued his own happiness.. ME! He's the last to be married, other than his 22 yearsold sister that now has a god job in the Emirates, the last one at home, we are also dying to have a baby, also his dream as he put it to me the other day, is that now he wants his own life, and his own wife.

He wont take money from me. So I dont send it but I would. Yes it does me good to know that my brother in laws in the USA send $ here. I guess their wives insist or something. Neither of my sis in laws work, so I dont know about that one. Take care of me here and them there. Abdel can do it if he choses. But doesnt it say somewhere that the wife comes first?Im not selfish, its not like if they called and said there was some emergency or something, I'd still be like NO!, thats different.

Limah