LET'S TALK ABOUT YOUR RED FLAGS

[Henia 11]

Why should you feel guilty about having facials and what not? You worked hard for that money so why not spend it on what you see fit? It's not your fault that your husband was born in an impoverished country. Like you said, you'll most likely be supporting him for awhile when he gets here, worry about it then. I dunno, maybe it's the way I was raised or the fact that I never have had to support or even help out my ex husband that makes me feel that way.

I dunno. I just don't know. I have not sent anything yet, though when I was there I did buy this or that, though he was mad about it. I also bought my tickets for that trip and for the next one.

He does not want me to give him money but I just feel that since we are married now, what is the big deal. And don't tell anyone but I really don't work THAT hard for my money! I mean I sit here and sure I do my work but it's not like I"m breakin' a sweat!!! I was fortunate enough to have gotten a good education, have my CPA and make a very good salary but I certainly don't break my back daily to earn what I earn, you know? On the other hand, there is my husband who does literally break his back carting the goods back and forth to the stores that he sells to and at the end of the day he goes to his flat and sleeps on the floor 'cause he can't afford a new bed right now so he lets his sisters sleep on the one new bed that he could afford when they moved.

Yeah I feel guilty about that. I still don't know why I can't just hand him the $100 or so that will give him the nice bed that he needs. I mean that's over $500 pounds over there so what's the big deal? I blow more than that in a week on take out. Why is it that just because I'm the woman I can't help out?

Esalaam my sister. All that you feel is normal. I feel and felt the same. And there is nothing wrong with helping out...something here and something there.... but I feel when someone is sending a monthly allowance, like a salary... that is abit (actually) too much!

My husband too, got mad when I brought things over for him and his family. Even thou I did not even show him all I bought And I feel shame that my husband wears clothes that he has had since the 90s. But what to do... Cést la vie! He is not complaining and is more then happy to work and prides himself for it.

With my income, we could be living here very nicely. But instead my husband works 6 days week far away. Wakes before fajr and returns only before it is time for icha. At times, this makes me depressed and angry. I think he should not have to do all this. I have enough money for us all to live. But even if I pushed him he would not go for it. So I keep silent... and in the background here and there change things.

I totally get what you're saying, doodle. If it were me I would probably insist that I help him buy a bed if I could afford it, or else I'd be sleeping on the floor myself, too. 'Cuz I know he would do the same for me if the situations were reversed.

Yup! True that!

[Henia 11]

Well we have a mutual friend who translates our 'deeper' emails daily. (Over 300 e-mails thus far)

LOL does this person get paid by the word or hour? LOL cute!

Actually, neither.

We feel very fortunate.

sooooo funny! Even thou my husband and I speak common language sometimes we still use the hand gestures ... and i use them all the times with the family. Who of course, with my luck...speak no french or german or english True love is when you do anything for that person. So I applaud you sister for taking the classes! Bravo!

[ya falaha! 0]

I talk to my husband everyday and share and all that good and fun stuff. He knows what I do all day and vice versa. This is not "special". I'm thinking we all pretty much have the same type of relationships. I don't feel "single" yet I don't fully feel married either. Not sure how you can truly feel married if you're living half the world away from someone. Talking on the phone and online and visiting each other a few times a year isn't the same as living together full time. It's not even in the same galaxy as being the same.

Doodle, I understand what you're saying and if you, personally, want to buy him a new bed that he'll use for a year go for it. Wouldn't it be better to take that $100 to buy some new linens or whatever that you guys could use together here? I know it's not about a bed, it's about wanting him to be comfortable. Do you think he stays up nights worrying about if YOU'RE comfortable? I'm doubting that. It's give and take. Until you're living in a "real" marriage then it's every man or woman for him/herself (in my world).

I don't work terribly hard for my money either. I sit on my rear and type all day..in between chit chatting with co workers, smoke and lunch breaks. The point is, you work for your money no matter how hard you work for it. You're still the one going out there every day. Your husband should be doing the same. These aren't children we're married to, they're grown men. Why should we coddle them?

Oh I totally think he should be working, and he is. I'm talking about supplementing him a bit while he is working. He would never not work, that's just not who he is. I just think if I wanna get him some things I should be able to but for some reason because I'm a woman it's like a double standard and not just with you but with him as well.

I know he doesn't stay up nights wondering if I'm comfy 'cause it's obvious that I'm comfy. I make a 6 figure salary and have a very nice house in a very nice neighborhood. He's seen my house and doesn't have any need to worry about me at all. Now, on the other hand, if I were broke and lived in a place that needed this or that, then yes I do believe he would worry about me and be up at nights thinking about it. I really do. I mean even now, knowing the situation I'm in, he is mad that he can't be here to do stupid stuff like fix the front light when it goes out or stain my back porch instead of my having to hire people to do it.

I also don't consider my marriage a paper marriage only, though I do know where you're coming from in that end. Obviously things will be different when he's here since it won't be all "i love you, i miss you, kiss kiss kiss" and all that but at the same time though we are indeed married. I just look at this time as a spiritual togetherness of sorts. We pray with each other, we make dua for each other and we share our most intimate (no not sexual Charles ) thoughts and hopes and fears with complete abandon and we get closer each and every day. Sure it will be quite the different experience when I have to wash his nasty socks, etc. but I still "feel" married.

I agree with you.. and SOOO many times I wish i could just give my Husband a 100 dollars here and there.. But he would die before he would take it from me. My first trip there (flight and the wedding) he spend SOOO much money - most of his savings - to give me the wedding of my dreams and to spoil me rotten. My last trip there I paid for the flight tickets.. But he drained the last of his saving to pay for our Flat, when we rented a car and again to spoil me rotten..

When I was there.. I Loved to prices of clothes and scarfs.. We would buy a skirt for 100 L.E.( about $17american dollars) and I thought that was awesome.. but for my husband.. 100 LE was alot for him The american Life is Quite different to the Life over there..

And I too feel married.. Even though my mornings are not yet waking up next to him.. he still knows what I do/ talk on a daily basis.. We both vent to eachother about things in our day.. Actually he HAS sent me 100 dollars when I was flat out broke.. So i dont know.. Maybe i am just crazy. But this is Not our Grandparents world anymore.. and things have evolved to different levels.

Edited April 3, 2007 by moody

[deemabrouk 0]

I talk to my husband everyday and share and all that good and fun stuff. He knows what I do all day and vice versa. This is not "special". I'm thinking we all pretty much have the same type of relationships. I don't feel "single" yet I don't fully feel married either. Not sure how you can truly feel married if you're living half the world away from someone. Talking on the phone and online and visiting each other a few times a year isn't the same as living together full time. It's not even in the same galaxy as being the same.

Doodle, I understand what you're saying and if you, personally, want to buy him a new bed that he'll use for a year go for it. Wouldn't it be better to take that $100 to buy some new linens or whatever that you guys could use together here? I know it's not about a bed, it's about wanting him to be comfortable. Do you think he stays up nights worrying about if YOU'RE comfortable? I'm doubting that. It's give and take. Until you're living in a "real" marriage then it's every man or woman for him/herself (in my world).

I don't work terribly hard for my money either. I sit on my rear and type all day..in between chit chatting with co workers, smoke and lunch breaks. The point is, you work for your money no matter how hard you work for it. You're still the one going out there every day. Your husband should be doing the same. These aren't children we're married to, they're grown men. Why should we coddle them?

Oh I totally think he should be working, and he is. I'm talking about supplementing him a bit while he is working. He would never not work, that's just not who he is. I just think if I wanna get him some things I should be able to but for some reason because I'm a woman it's like a double standard and not just with you but with him as well.

I know he doesn't stay up nights wondering if I'm comfy 'cause it's obvious that I'm comfy. I make a 6 figure salary and have a very nice house in a very nice neighborhood. He's seen my house and doesn't have any need to worry about me at all. Now, on the other hand, if I were broke and lived in a place that needed this or that, then yes I do believe he would worry about me and be up at nights thinking about it. I really do. I mean even now, knowing the situation I'm in, he is mad that he can't be here to do stupid stuff like fix the front light when it goes out or stain my back porch instead of my having to hire people to do it.

I also don't consider my marriage a paper marriage only, though I do know where you're coming from in that end. Obviously things will be different when he's here since it won't be all "i love you, i miss you, kiss kiss kiss" and all that but at the same time though we are indeed married. I just look at this time as a spiritual togetherness of sorts. We pray with each other, we make dua for each other and we share our most intimate (no not sexual Charles ) thoughts and hopes and fears with complete abandon and we get closer each and every day. Sure it will be quite the different experience when I have to wash his nasty socks, etc. but I still "feel" married.

I agree with you.. and SOOO many times I wish i could just give my Husband a 100 dollars here and there.. But he would die before he would take it from me. My first trip there (flight and the wedding) he spend SOOO much money - most of his savings - to give me the wedding of my dreams and to spoil me rotten. My last trip there I paid for the flight tickets.. But he drained the last of his saving to pay for our Flat, when we rented a car and again to spoil me rotten..

When I was there.. I Loved to prices of clothes and scarfs.. We would buy a skirt for 100 L.E.( about $17american dollars) and I thought that was awesome.. but for my husband.. 100 LE was alot for him The american Life is Quite different to the Life over there..

And I too feel married.. Even though my mornings are not yet waking up next to him.. he still knows what I do/ talk on a daily basis.. We both vent to eachother about things in our day.. Actually he HAS sent me 100 dollars when I was flat out broke.. So i dont know.. Maybe i am just crazy. But this is Not our Grandparents world anymore.. and things have evolved to different levels.

Of course it is NOT the same.. and if anyone who was Married before too knows how different it is once the man is actually in the house...

But I think I am just trying to say the Relationship is real and not just a figment of my imagination. And I am sure everyone on VJ who doesnt have there SO with them yet.. does the Same routine.

[ya falaha! 0]

My relationship is real, I never said I felt it wasn't "real". I don't think any of us are petitioning for imaginary husbands or fiances...I hope.

Edited April 3, 2007 by moody

[peezey 0]

I have to disagree, that a guy living with his family has few expenses...

Omer lives with his mother, two sisters, and brother- all able bodied and working. But they are indeed working class- earning very little.

He gives nearly his entire paycheck to his family every week. (he earns quite a bit for Turkish standards- actually, more than a teacher- about $500 USD a week- working from 3pm until 5am 6 days a week)

His father recently passed, and his funds paid for the funeral. His family went into some debt a year and a half ago for his sisters wedding- he paid that, and his older sister just had a baby- he paid for that.

I have never sent him money, but I know he works very hard to provide for his family. Life is very hard financially for many people outside of the USA. It's not so easy- to "just go out and get a job'.

At the same time, I do believe a work ethic is important. It will be difficult for him to arrive here and not work.

It's not as easy as the US, but it can be done, there are jobs and/or ways to make money, and there are guys at the cafes who prefer to do that rather than put in some sweat. And certainly there are guys who give their money to their families and help with the expenses, as it should be. And there are those that don't.

[morocco4ever 63]

I would personally have the age, divorce and i have only made one trip there.

None of which i can change now what??

To be totally honest, if I could go back and change anything, I would have been there for the interview. I don't know if it would have changed the outcome, but maybe, just maybe, I wouldn't have had to wait the extra 15 months.

We came very close to getting a denial (or intent to return the petition to USCIS) and I think the only thing that saved us was Idir's handling of the interview. This can not be underestimated.

We met in person, not online. I was in Morocco twice before sending in the petition. The petition was sent in 8 months after we first met. The interview was 13 months after meeting. We had no language barrier. So did we have red flags? not really.

But I am not fooling around when I say we were almost denied. The most important determining factor in our case was showing communication. Maybe I was too comfortable going into the interview. Certainly it was clear there was no fraud, no red flags...but the consulate has a different eye.

Idir brought in samples of e-mails, phone records, but only those from my mobile (showing calls to and from his cell and by phone card), and a few photos. Surely in my mind I had laid out the evidence they needed.

I had deleted photos using my new camera while in Morocco. We lost over 2 weeks of photos- photos with his family, photos of us together in the SAME photos! The consulate insisted on seeing more photos. Idir explain what happened. I think she believed him, but still he left thinking she wanted more photos.

We had to scramble after the interview. The 221g stated - a new court report and more evidence of communication. We printed off over 100 emails, i scaned and emailed newer phone records, I took my digital cameral card to see if any photos could be recovered and when they couldn't got a receipt stating this fact. I wrote the consualte a note about the photos and attached the reciept, and hotel reciepts to show us together in Casa (thanks god I had them) along with letters from friends who knew us as a couple. We found only one or 2 photos that we did not send in. It was an organized response- logical, rational.

It was enough to satisfy the CO and the visa was issued.

Had idir not been able to handle the interview as well as he did, I am sure we would have been one of those that saw the petition returned without the chance to submit more evidence. It would have been because we looked at our own case through our eyes and nto the eye of the consulate. Looking back afterwards, i can see what the consulate saw and do nto thik we were targeted unfairly. Of course every CO is different and ours may have just been one that wanted all the i dotted and t crossed.

No matter how confident you are that you are a legitimate couple, you can get denied.

I think people downplay the red flags. You must take them seriously. The CO isn't there to prove that your marriage is real, he/she is there to prove that your marriage is a sham, and that is how they conduct the interview. You are lucky that the CO gave your SO the opportunity to provide more proof of your relationship so as to avoid a returned petition. The majority of the returned petitions are decided without viewing any proof.

One of the red flags is that the applicant has family in the US, especially if that person came on a fiance/marriage visa and is now divorced. I qualify for #2 and 9, but I think what tipped the scales on our returned petition was a misunderstanding that his sister was brought here on a fiance visa and then got a divorce. When we got the Notice of Intent to Revoke our petition they didn't mention anything about the sister, but gut feeling told me to provide proof. It paid off because when we got my rebuttal back you could see the notations about his sister.

It appears that this trend to return petitions has slowed down here on VJ, and I hope it doesn't pick up again. Its heart wrenching.

Now, as far as sending your SO money. Touchy subject. I did send maybe a total of $100.00 to him In the 2 years after we were married. He only asked once, and was extremely embarrassed to ask. On the other hand, he has many friends that I have actually seen ask money from more than 1 woman at a time for money. I view it as appalling, but they view it differently. According to his friend he is seeing which one of them is generous enough, and in turn that shows him which of them really truly loves him. I don't know, I still think he is justifying his behaviour.

As for a job. When my husband first got here we went to the SS office and applied for his card. About 2 weeks later my dad was hospitalized, and they wouldn't release him until he had someone that could be with him 24/7. None of my brothers or my sister could/would do it. I was very grateful that my husband, that had just met my dad 2 weeks prior, offered to take care of him. Anybody who has taken care of an elderly or handicapped person can relate to the responsibility he took on. My dad passed away a month ago yesterday and I was so grateful that my husband was here and jobless.

He still doesn't have a job as of yet. Now my sister is in need of help cleaning out her mother-in-laws house, and my husband has again offered to help. Now that doesn't seem to be an extremely difficult task, but OMG, I saw her house and I am here to tell you, they couldn't pay me enough to do it!

Sorry, long story. Basically what I am saying is that to each his own. Some combine resources and don't mind if they are putting in a bigger percentage. Some keep their finances seperate....much the same as american couples. We are not all cut from the same cookie cutter. Some people want the man to support them, and some don't really care. They can provide in so many ways other than financial. I have to be honest here, if by chance my husband and I are lucky enough to conceive I would be thrilled if he was a stay at home daddy, although I doubt he would want too.

One other note, glad to see that this thread has stayed so civil inspite of the differing opinions.

[Sofiyya 1,687]

I talk to my husband everyday and share and all that good and fun stuff. He knows what I do all day and vice versa. This is not "special". I'm thinking we all pretty much have the same type of relationships. I don't feel "single" yet I don't fully feel married either. Not sure how you can truly feel married if you're living half the world away from someone. Talking on the phone and online and visiting each other a few times a year isn't the same as living together full time. It's not even in the same galaxy as being the same.

My husband and I have talked about this, too. moody. He's having a very hard time being apart because he's so family oriented and he's a husband with no real wife. Going to family gatherings is rough for him because he's there alone, and has been for two years now. He doesn't see it as quite the same as being married, nor is he single. To him, my abilty to fly back and forth relatively effortlessly is the remedy, but I want him to have all the privileges of being an LPR, then a USC, so he can fly back and forth relatively effortlessly too. So, we wait . . .

On my end, I let few people out side of close friends and family know that my husband doesn't live with me. First, you have to explain that you're not separated due to a pending divorce. Then, after they get the immigration part, they CANNOT understand why a US citizen who married overseas isn't allowed to just put their spouse on a plane with them and bring them over, simple as that. It takes forever to make them understand it doesn't work that way, and more than half still don't believe you. It's not worth the time.

[morocco4ever 63]

I talk to my husband everyday and share and all that good and fun stuff. He knows what I do all day and vice versa. This is not "special". I'm thinking we all pretty much have the same type of relationships. I don't feel "single" yet I don't fully feel married either. Not sure how you can truly feel married if you're living half the world away from someone. Talking on the phone and online and visiting each other a few times a year isn't the same as living together full time. It's not even in the same galaxy as being the same.

My husband and I have talked about this, too. moody. He's having a very hard time being apart because he's so family oriented and he's a husband with no real wife. Going to family gatherings is rough for him because he's there alone, and has been for two years now. He doesn't see it as quite the same as being married, nor is he single. To him, my abilty to fly back and forth relatively effortlessly is the remedy, but I want him to have all the privileges of being an LPR, then a USC, so he can fly back and forth relatively effortlessly too. So, we wait . . .

On my end, I let few people out side of close friends and family know that my husband doesn't live with me. First, you have to explain that you're not separated due to a pending divorce. Then, after they get the immigration part, they CANNOT understand why a US citizen who married overseas isn't allowed to just put their spouse on a plane with them and bring them over, simple as that. It takes forever to make them understand it doesn't work that way, and more than half still don't believe you. It's not worth the time.

My husband commented on more than 1 occasion that he was "married to a box", meaning the monitor. I honestly think it is harder on them than on us. We have such a busy life here in the US and they have the same dull routine day in and day out.

I did have to snicker about your comment on explaining the immigration process to others. My ex told my kids that he researched it thoroughly, and I could have brought him over when we married if he had wanted too. He said that my husband had many wives from the US that was sending him money, so he would never come. People can be so stupid.

[ya falaha! 0]

Phew! I was beginning to think I was the only one around here who felt that way.

[jade2004 0]

I definitely agree....at times I do not feel ''married''....it is alot different than any other experience in my life. And I know it is hard for all of us to see couples actually TOGETHER and to know that even if I have a horrible day and desperately need to talk to my husband, my best friend, that is ALL I can do is TALK to him...there is no physical touch...no hug...no one to wipe my tears. Then to know that some of you guys have been in the ''visa journey'' for triple as long as me...how the ####### do you do it? And what am I complaining about? This is truly the biggest test for me so far in my life and to know that I am not even half way through. OMG!

[deemabrouk 0]

I definitely agree....at times I do not feel ''married''....it is alot different than any other experience in my life. And I know it is hard for all of us to see couples actually TOGETHER and to know that even if I have a horrible day and desperately need to talk to my husband, my best friend, that is ALL I can do is TALK to him...there is no physical touch...no hug...no one to wipe my tears. Then to know that some of you guys have been in the ''visa journey'' for triple as long as me...how the ####### do you do it? And what am I complaining about? This is truly the biggest test for me so far in my life and to know that I am not even half way through. OMG!

you took the words out of my mouth

My husband sent me a text today .. saying that he wouldnt even know what to do with himself if after All Of This we were denied.. me too .. i think it would be the straw that broke the camels back

Edited April 3, 2007 by deemabrouk

[Sofiyya 1,687]

My husband commented on more than 1 occasion that he was "married to a box", meaning the monitor. I honestly think it is harder on them than on us. We have such a busy life here in the US and they have the same dull routine day in and day out.

You put your finger right on it. My life is totally busy and his so routine and boring. I think the differences and their awareness of them makes it harder on them.

How is your husband? Mine asks about him from time to time.

[morocco4ever 63]

Just wait until they get here...this is an even bigger test! lol

No longer can I set in my mind when and how I am going to remodel, and just do it. Now I have his opinion to deal with too. Gone are the days when I can veg and watch the tv show of my choice. Gone are the days that all I want for dinner is a bowl of cereal or a salad. Gone are the days of a perfectly made bed when I leave for work. Gone are the days that there are no dishes in the sink......

Do I want to trade places??? Neahhhhhhhhh!!!

[morocco4ever 63]

My husband commented on more than 1 occasion that he was "married to a box", meaning the monitor. I honestly think it is harder on them than on us. We have such a busy life here in the US and they have the same dull routine day in and day out.

You put your finger right on it. My life is totally busy and his so routine and boring. I think the differences and their awareness of them makes it harder on them.

How is your husband? Mine asks about him from time to time.

He is doing really good. I am thrilled to finally have him here, and he is adjusting pretty well. It was really hard at first, but life is starting to settle a little, and now we are remodeling so as to make it "our" house. He has some excellent ideas. He is learning all about yard work as well. Stressing that our lawn isn't green enough yet.

So what is the latest in your case? I haven't heard an update in a long time.