LET'S TALK ABOUT YOUR RED FLAGS

[sachinky 465]

Just my $.02 on the older woman/younger man thing. A lot has to do with who is online and at what time. A 25 year old greencard scammer in Morocco isn't going to find a PYT 20 year old American girl in college. She probably is too busy with her social life, schoolwork and fratboys. Far too many options for her to choose from. She isn't going to bother responding to a badly composed request for friendship - "hi ther, wanna do friendship?" Whereas, an older woman, divorced, single mom, tired after a hard day's work, too busy/tired to date, would probably be more susceptible to someone who is nice to them online, for whatever reason, who is willing to listen to them, tells them all the things I want to hear -- that she's funny, pretty, smart etc. However, when it's a "Will you marry me?" after barely a week of communicating online, that's when you need to take a reality check.

I'm not knocking on all internet relationships, but a charade of chatting for an hour daily for three months is not that hard to keep up. It's VERY easy to pretend someone you're not online. It's very easy to talk to SEVERAL people online at the same time while the person on the other line probably has no idea and is feeling flattered at all the attention he/she is receiving. It gives one a sense of reality even if it is all virtual. And while communication is great, don't fall for all the BS you hear. Even if it is what you want to hear. Try and meet in person as many times as possible before actually tying the knot. After marriage, presumably you will be living with that person and as far as you know, she/he might be very different from how they represented (or misrepresented) themselves to you online. Get the best, accurate picture of your SOs and this can only be done in-person, face to face. Not through a computer screen, separated by thousands of miles.

Have your thinking caps on. That said, good luck to everyone on their visajourney!

[Jenn! 918]

hi ther, wanna do friendship?

[UmmSqueakster 54]

I met my then 24 year old future husband when I was 20 year old college student. But then, I think I lacked the P in PYT Ah well, 8 years and a citizenship later, we're still annoying the stuffing out of one another each and every day. Love ya AbuS!

[morocco4ever 63]

Just my $.02 on the older woman/younger man thing. A lot has to do with who is online and at what time. A 25 year old greencard scammer in Morocco isn't going to find a PYT 20 year old American girl in college. She probably is too busy with her social life, schoolwork and fratboys. Far too many options for her to choose from. She isn't going to bother responding to a badly composed request for friendship - "hi ther, wanna do friendship?" Whereas, an older woman, divorced, single mom, tired after a hard day's work, too busy/tired to date, would probably be more susceptible to someone who is nice to them online, for whatever reason, who is willing to listen to them, tells them all the things I want to hear -- that she's funny, pretty, smart etc. However, when it's a "Will you marry me?" after barely a week of communicating online, that's when you need to take a reality check.

I'm not knocking on all internet relationships, but a charade of chatting for an hour daily for three months is not that hard to keep up. It's VERY easy to pretend someone you're not online. It's very easy to talk to SEVERAL people online at the same time while the person on the other line probably has no idea and is feeling flattered at all the attention he/she is receiving. It gives one a sense of reality even if it is all virtual. And while communication is great, don't fall for all the BS you hear. Even if it is what you want to hear. Try and meet in person as many times as possible before actually tying the knot. After marriage, presumably you will be living with that person and as far as you know, she/he might be very different from how they represented (or misrepresented) themselves to you online. Get the best, accurate picture of your SOs and this can only be done in-person, face to face. Not through a computer screen, separated by thousands of miles.

Have your thinking caps on. That said, good luck to everyone on their visajourney!

Hmmm....I'm an older woman. Met my husband online. But that is about the only similarity there. When I met him I was out "socializing" every weekend. I was dating 3 different men, and I am hardly what you would call vulnerable. Of course when he approached me I thought all of the things you're suggesting, and rather than fall for it I played with him. Making him think I was interested. I even asked him to send ME money.

But I do admit our case is unique. And I would suggest that everyone take a step back and look at their situation through a CO's eyes. If I was the CO reviewing our case I would have been like "Yeah right...it's true love".

[sachinky 465]

Hey -- I was only talking in generalities. I'm not doubting/questioning/attacking every single relationship that starts out that way. No need to use your own relationship as a defense.

I'm sure plenty of people could cite specific cases where the relationship was 100% genuine. And has remained a viable, functioning one for at least 3-5 years after the immigration procedure is over. (As an addendum: sometimes, it may not even last those few years but then one must honestly analyze the relationship and aswer these questions -- was it really just a scam to get a GC? Or could it be that you did not know your SO well enough? How much time did you really spend together? Were the cultural adjustments and social differences too much for the immigrant from a more traditional country to make? Too much stress for a new marriage to handle? I've seen/read cases where the petitioner will claim fraud as soon as the marriage goes downhill. While it may or may not be a case of fraud, he/she must also recognize his/her own part in the process).

And, of course, there are several, well documented cases of USC spouses getting a giant heave-ho as soon as the GC arrives in the mail.

Here's the problem with love: When you're in it, even an actual red flag looming in front of your eyes, can be ignored or quite easily be explained away. The more people, whether family, friends or well-wishers, try to "warn" you, the more determined and convinced one becomes of the validity/sincerity of one's relationship. "The world is against us, then this MUST be true love, right? No one understands our feelings!"

Edited November 18, 2009 by sachinky

[morocco4ever 63]

Hey -- I was only talking in generalities. I'm not doubting/questioning/attacking every single relationship that starts out that way. No need to use your own relationship as a defense.

Did you even read what I wrote? Specifically my last sentence.

[brnidokiegurl 0]

It can work and the line is (i just want to practice my English and be friends)

[sachinky 465]

Morocco4ever -- I did read your reply. I was just clarifying b/c another poster used herself as an example. =)

One way to test whether the non-USC spouse's motives are genuine, especially if you have some nagging doubts or suspicion: Suggest that after marriage, you, the USC, are willing to make the move and want to live in their home country. Cite whatever you want: declining economic conditions in U.S., no job opportunities, you'd like a change in scenery, you can't imagine separating your SO from their family/friends, etc. And not as a one-off joke. Be serious about it -- look at apartments and jobs online. Say you wanna learn the language. Ask about public transport, gas and electricity, local restaurants and movie theaters. Be very convincing about it. After a month or so of this, if your SO is still hanging around, you'll know that he/she is in it for the real deal. On the other hand, if they've done the disappearing act, you'll know what they really were after in the first place. Quite simple if a bit sneaky.

But you can't be too careful when it comes down to the rest of your life, now can you?

And before I get flamed for this -- I'm the non-USC spouse from India. I just don't like people getting hurt, that's all. USC and non-USCs alike.

Edited November 19, 2009 by sachinky