LET'S TALK ABOUT YOUR RED FLAGS

[sara535 15]

regarding the fraud issue:

judging by the number of recent breakups around here it sure starts to seem like there is something to it....

( not sure if all these recent ones have age differences...)

Actually most of the most recent breakups have been people exact in age and similar... one due to infidelity and the other they are the same age and he abused her.

Actually I wasnt referring to the ones just in the last few days but over the past few months, I dont think you have witnessed all of them, including ones with LONG marriages and yes, age differences.

Wahrania I am NOT trying to be a bully because I definitely value your opinions and contributions around here but as a bit of purely friendly advice, sometimes you are just a bit overkill.

[Together for ever 0]

For me our red flags seem to be an 18 year age gap (im older), I had 3 past (BAD) marriages (wised up at looking for those bad ones), and my last divorce was just last August. 10 months before we filed. HOwever, I think we combat those with a 4 year history, 4 visits with a 5th planned, DAILY chats, skype calls, voice, emails, regular mail, phone calls....(ok regular mail and emial not daily..rest is). My parents talk to him, I talk to his. I will be there for the interview..and planning to ask his mother to accompany us. ( emailed embassy for approval..will take email from them with me). I"ve already contacted my congressmen and senators of my state for a letter "expressing interest" in my case and asking for an update when its approved.

Age difference can be a touchy subject. Not all understand it..not all can do it. Its a different way of life than the "norm". (Who says what "normal" is anyways??) But I can be respectful of anyones feelings towards it. I just tend to be younger looking, acting and sound younger to. My SO and I meet in the middle of our age difference. Age gaps aren't understood by all..nor do I expect all to understand, approve or meet it with enthusiasm. Just my thoughts

sorry for what i will say but you said you have divorce in August 06 as i understand but how u meet your fiance 3 years before ( this mean u met him while u were nmarried ) is it normal?????????????????????

age difference between male and female may be not problem if theman and women know why they are married ( i mean each one of them know his rule in this marriage but in my thought which may be wrong but should respected it is fraud marriage from young man to older women because any amn always want to be the master of his wife and want to enjoy with his young wife even if he marry older women for while believe me after every rhing become stable he will seek for his dream of younger female than him any one want to be normal even if he start his life abnormal for any cause so any omen marry a younger man should think many times...................................

Can I ask what country you are from? I think that what you are saying rings very true but I have seen men that are younger very in love with their wives and stay with them and have kids... Are you in the immigration process? Did you marry someone to get papers in the US. You have no timeline so I am very curious.I have also seen men very in love with their wives get pressured by people with your mindset leave their wives only to marry a younger woman bring her over here and the younger woman either leaves him when she gets her papers or he truly misses his first wife. By then its too late..

Did you see my signature ? My great grandmother was 14 years older than my great granfather and this was 96 years ago and not done in my society either. People sometimes need to stay out of other people s lives dont you think?

Well, I was seperated for those years. The situation was a strange one indeed. But I will say this. You NEVER know what you will get when you marry. You THINK you know, but until married...you really dont know. I thought my last husband was it...so sweet, kind, caring...only ONE problem, I found he like men to. So please dont judge me in the fact that I said I was married during that time. I was "legally" married. But that was IT. We were done when I met my now SO.

You are right..many younger men DO marry older to get something out of it. But I agree with the last post. Many love their wives dearly....I believe in my relationship with him. One thing for you to think about:

Dont we ALL marry to fill a NEED? Isnt that what love is about? I mean...If you NEED a man to be a nurturer, wouldn't u LOOK for that type of man? If you are accustomed to a certain "lifestyle" wouldnt you NORMALLY marry a man who can provide that? If you need a man of romance...you'd not marry a dead stone in the romance department. Its all about compatibility and what each one brings to the table. HOWEVER, that never excuses a man/woman for using someone JUST for visa, coming, breaking a heart and leaving. But we do marry to fill our NEEDS...i see nothing wrong in a man, who wants to make a better life...and seeks LOVE outside his country. HUGE difference than a man who seeks out older woman JSUT to get out of country but not for love first. And there ARE red flags with those men...right up front...not hard to see. I think most of us older women with younger men...have the sense to see those flags and in MOST cases avoid that pit. But a few of those con people are good...and we dont see it...but then....did I see my ex's tendancies??? NOOOOOOO not before marriage. Never. Not til I found gay porn, chats with transvestites, chats with couples for bi encounters. It was his deep dark secret. We enter marriage in good faith and trust. Some of us are lucky and do well finding the right one...some of us have to learn the hard way how to find the right one.

Now im rambling...Final word.....I prefer younger men...because Im NOT an OLDER woman...Im a Woman of character, style and experience.

First sorry if any one consider this is entry in the others life

Second i will answer 'wahrania' i am egyptian in immigration process married but also see alot of person can marry for fruad and it is so easy to fraud for somtimes but impposible to fraud allover time but it will be too late

Sorry amrsnowangel i didnot mean you by my word age difference but i wished every women to be careful when she proceed of this she have to look and look and decide then she will take the decision by her self but she put feeling after brain

i hope Allah give you agood stable life with the person you choose and make your life happiest

I guess it is a forum to give advices not to make a struglles with each other Allah give every one abrain and heart so we shares in advices smoothly because what we say in this forum may help someone

[Beauty for Ashes 257]

regarding the fraud issue:

judging by the number of recent breakups around here it sure starts to seem like there is something to it....

( not sure if all these recent ones have age differences...)

Actually most of the most recent breakups have been people exact in age and similar... one due to infidelity and the other they are the same age and he abused her.

Actually I wasnt referring to the ones just in the last few days but over the past few months, I dont think you have witnessed all of them, including ones with LONG marriages and yes, age differences.

Wahrania I am NOT trying to be a bully because I definitely value your opinions and contributions around here but as a bit of purely friendly advice, sometimes you are just a bit overkill.

point taken

[doodlebug 3]

For me our red flags seem to be an 18 year age gap (im older), I had 3 past (BAD) marriages (wised up at looking for those bad ones), and my last divorce was just last August. 10 months before we filed. HOwever, I think we combat those with a 4 year history, 4 visits with a 5th planned, DAILY chats, skype calls, voice, emails, regular mail, phone calls....(ok regular mail and emial not daily..rest is). My parents talk to him, I talk to his. I will be there for the interview..and planning to ask his mother to accompany us. ( emailed embassy for approval..will take email from them with me). I"ve already contacted my congressmen and senators of my state for a letter "expressing interest" in my case and asking for an update when its approved.

Age difference can be a touchy subject. Not all understand it..not all can do it. Its a different way of life than the "norm". (Who says what "normal" is anyways??) But I can be respectful of anyones feelings towards it. I just tend to be younger looking, acting and sound younger to. My SO and I meet in the middle of our age difference. Age gaps aren't understood by all..nor do I expect all to understand, approve or meet it with enthusiasm. Just my thoughts

sorry for what i will say but you said you have divorce in August 06 as i understand but how u meet your fiance 3 years before ( this mean u met him while u were nmarried ) is it normal?????????????????????

age difference between male and female may be not problem if theman and women know why they are married ( i mean each one of them know his rule in this marriage but in my thought which may be wrong but should respected it is fraud marriage from young man to older women because any amn always want to be the master of his wife and want to enjoy with his young wife even if he marry older women for while believe me after every rhing become stable he will seek for his dream of younger female than him any one want to be normal even if he start his life abnormal for any cause so any omen marry a younger man should think many times...................................

Can I ask what country you are from? I think that what you are saying rings very true but I have seen men that are younger very in love with their wives and stay with them and have kids... Are you in the immigration process? Did you marry someone to get papers in the US. You have no timeline so I am very curious.I have also seen men very in love with their wives get pressured by people with your mindset leave their wives only to marry a younger woman bring her over here and the younger woman either leaves him when she gets her papers or he truly misses his first wife. By then its too late..

Did you see my signature ? My great grandmother was 14 years older than my great granfather and this was 96 years ago and not done in my society either. People sometimes need to stay out of other people s lives dont you think?

Well, I was seperated for those years. The situation was a strange one indeed. But I will say this. You NEVER know what you will get when you marry. You THINK you know, but until married...you really dont know. I thought my last husband was it...so sweet, kind, caring...only ONE problem, I found he like men to. So please dont judge me in the fact that I said I was married during that time. I was "legally" married. But that was IT. We were done when I met my now SO.

You are right..many younger men DO marry older to get something out of it. But I agree with the last post. Many love their wives dearly....I believe in my relationship with him. One thing for you to think about:

Dont we ALL marry to fill a NEED? Isnt that what love is about? I mean...If you NEED a man to be a nurturer, wouldn't u LOOK for that type of man? If you are accustomed to a certain "lifestyle" wouldnt you NORMALLY marry a man who can provide that? If you need a man of romance...you'd not marry a dead stone in the romance department. Its all about compatibility and what each one brings to the table. HOWEVER, that never excuses a man/woman for using someone JUST for visa, coming, breaking a heart and leaving. But we do marry to fill our NEEDS...i see nothing wrong in a man, who wants to make a better life...and seeks LOVE outside his country. HUGE difference than a man who seeks out older woman JSUT to get out of country but not for love first. And there ARE red flags with those men...right up front...not hard to see. I think most of us older women with younger men...have the sense to see those flags and in MOST cases avoid that pit. But a few of those con people are good...and we dont see it...but then....did I see my ex's tendancies??? NOOOOOOO not before marriage. Never. Not til I found gay porn, chats with transvestites, chats with couples for bi encounters. It was his deep dark secret. We enter marriage in good faith and trust. Some of us are lucky and do well finding the right one...some of us have to learn the hard way how to find the right one.

Now im rambling...Final word.....I prefer younger men...because Im NOT an OLDER woman...Im a Woman of character, style and experience.

First sorry if any one consider this is entry in the others life

Second i will answer 'wahrania' i am egyptian in immigration process married but also see alot of person can marry for fruad and it is so easy to fraud for somtimes but impposible to fraud allover time but it will be too late

Sorry amrsnowangel i didnot mean you by my word age difference but i wished every women to be careful when she proceed of this she have to look and look and decide then she will take the decision by her self but she put feeling after brain

i hope Allah give you agood stable life with the person you choose and make your life happiest

I guess it is a forum to give advices not to make a struglles with each other Allah give every one abrain and heart so we shares in advices smoothly because what we say in this forum may help someone

Are you already in the US?

[amrssnowangel 0]

For me our red flags seem to be an 18 year age gap (im older), I had 3 past (BAD) marriages (wised up at looking for those bad ones), and my last divorce was just last August. 10 months before we filed. HOwever, I think we combat those with a 4 year history, 4 visits with a 5th planned, DAILY chats, skype calls, voice, emails, regular mail, phone calls....(ok regular mail and emial not daily..rest is). My parents talk to him, I talk to his. I will be there for the interview..and planning to ask his mother to accompany us. ( emailed embassy for approval..will take email from them with me). I"ve already contacted my congressmen and senators of my state for a letter "expressing interest" in my case and asking for an update when its approved.

Age difference can be a touchy subject. Not all understand it..not all can do it. Its a different way of life than the "norm". (Who says what "normal" is anyways??) But I can be respectful of anyones feelings towards it. I just tend to be younger looking, acting and sound younger to. My SO and I meet in the middle of our age difference. Age gaps aren't understood by all..nor do I expect all to understand, approve or meet it with enthusiasm. Just my thoughts

sorry for what i will say but you said you have divorce in August 06 as i understand but how u meet your fiance 3 years before ( this mean u met him while u were nmarried ) is it normal?????????????????????

age difference between male and female may be not problem if theman and women know why they are married ( i mean each one of them know his rule in this marriage but in my thought which may be wrong but should respected it is fraud marriage from young man to older women because any amn always want to be the master of his wife and want to enjoy with his young wife even if he marry older women for while believe me after every rhing become stable he will seek for his dream of younger female than him any one want to be normal even if he start his life abnormal for any cause so any omen marry a younger man should think many times...................................

Can I ask what country you are from? I think that what you are saying rings very true but I have seen men that are younger very in love with their wives and stay with them and have kids... Are you in the immigration process? Did you marry someone to get papers in the US. You have no timeline so I am very curious.I have also seen men very in love with their wives get pressured by people with your mindset leave their wives only to marry a younger woman bring her over here and the younger woman either leaves him when she gets her papers or he truly misses his first wife. By then its too late..

Did you see my signature ? My great grandmother was 14 years older than my great granfather and this was 96 years ago and not done in my society either. People sometimes need to stay out of other people s lives dont you think?

Well, I was seperated for those years. The situation was a strange one indeed. But I will say this. You NEVER know what you will get when you marry. You THINK you know, but until married...you really dont know. I thought my last husband was it...so sweet, kind, caring...only ONE problem, I found he like men to. So please dont judge me in the fact that I said I was married during that time. I was "legally" married. But that was IT. We were done when I met my now SO.

You are right..many younger men DO marry older to get something out of it. But I agree with the last post. Many love their wives dearly....I believe in my relationship with him. One thing for you to think about:

Dont we ALL marry to fill a NEED? Isnt that what love is about? I mean...If you NEED a man to be a nurturer, wouldn't u LOOK for that type of man? If you are accustomed to a certain "lifestyle" wouldnt you NORMALLY marry a man who can provide that? If you need a man of romance...you'd not marry a dead stone in the romance department. Its all about compatibility and what each one brings to the table. HOWEVER, that never excuses a man/woman for using someone JUST for visa, coming, breaking a heart and leaving. But we do marry to fill our NEEDS...i see nothing wrong in a man, who wants to make a better life...and seeks LOVE outside his country. HUGE difference than a man who seeks out older woman JSUT to get out of country but not for love first. And there ARE red flags with those men...right up front...not hard to see. I think most of us older women with younger men...have the sense to see those flags and in MOST cases avoid that pit. But a few of those con people are good...and we dont see it...but then....did I see my ex's tendancies??? NOOOOOOO not before marriage. Never. Not til I found gay porn, chats with transvestites, chats with couples for bi encounters. It was his deep dark secret. We enter marriage in good faith and trust. Some of us are lucky and do well finding the right one...some of us have to learn the hard way how to find the right one.

Now im rambling...Final word.....I prefer younger men...because Im NOT an OLDER woman...Im a Woman of character, style and experience.

First sorry if any one consider this is entry in the others life

Second i will answer 'wahrania' i am egyptian in immigration process married but also see alot of person can marry for fruad and it is so easy to fraud for somtimes but impposible to fraud allover time but it will be too late

Sorry amrsnowangel i didnot mean you by my word age difference but i wished every women to be careful when she proceed of this she have to look and look and decide then she will take the decision by her self but she put feeling after brain

i hope Allah give you agood stable life with the person you choose and make your life happiest

I guess it is a forum to give advices not to make a struglles with each other Allah give every one abrain and heart so we shares in advices smoothly because what we say in this forum may help someone

No offense ever....Allahu Akbar. We are all in this struggle together regardless of our red flags or backgrounds...you are right...In Allah's eyes we are one. Salam Alaikum

[Jenn! 918]

I think it has everything to do with the fact that he's not Moroccan.

I think you are absolutely correct. Hicham and I have both thought this many times.

When we began the whole process in the States, before he ever got stuck in Maroc, the local office couldn't figure out how to code his file because there was no code set up for "Palestinian". He's actually considered "stateless" but not a refugee. Even though he was born in Morocco, he has to have a Palestinian passport. So very freak'in complicated!!!!

Does your formula factor in variables of that nature????

Sorry allousa, I didn't mean to ignore your question here. Actually, I was kidding about really developing a formula. While it would be sooooooo useful, unfortunately, we don't have nearly enough data to come up with anything at all credible. If that data were available, then absolutely, the formula should factor in variables such as those affecting your case, since I think it's pretty clear that Hicham's statelessness is slowing down your process.

Edited October 17, 2007 by Jenn!

[amrssnowangel 0]

regarding the fraud issue:

judging by the number of recent breakups around here it sure starts to seem like there is something to it....

( not sure if all these recent ones have age differences...)

Actually most of the most recent breakups have been people exact in age and similar... one due to infidelity and the other they are the same age and he abused her.

Actually I wasnt referring to the ones just in the last few days but over the past few months, I dont think you have witnessed all of them, including ones with LONG marriages and yes, age differences.

Wahrania I am NOT trying to be a bully because I definitely value your opinions and contributions around here but as a bit of purely friendly advice, sometimes you are just a bit overkill.

Im not sure we can say these are MENA specific breakups.....the divorce rate in America is at 60% no matter who you marry.

[~Jackie~ 30]

If the America divorce rate is 60% I would venture to say after being in many MENA forums, not just VJ, the rate is much higher, I would put 83% on a MENA marriage. Would knowing that number have affected if I had married Mohammed, no. I was head over heels in love at first sight and no one could have waved red flags in front of me. I was told repeatedly "habeebti, we are different, our marriage is different,,there has never been a divorce in my family, I will not be the first.....' Well, we all know the end of that story.

Jaklen

[Caladan 19]

Way back to wife_of_mahmoud: I don't think we have a lot of hard data on fraud cases, just suspicions. But age gaps as a flag (as a predictor of fraud) don't help as much when the man is older, since that's the norm. Yet, if you browse around some of the Asia forum, you'll see that some consulates will think the relationship is invalid if the couple hasn't had at least three visits. It's like they suspect fraud so much that nearly everyone is a suspect and age isn't even a big problem.

[allousa 1]

I think it has everything to do with the fact that he's not Moroccan.

I think you are absolutely correct. Hicham and I have both thought this many times.

When we began the whole process in the States, before he ever got stuck in Maroc, the local office couldn't figure out how to code his file because there was no code set up for "Palestinian". He's actually considered "stateless" but not a refugee. Even though he was born in Morocco, he has to have a Palestinian passport. So very freak'in complicated!!!!

Does your formula factor in variables of that nature????

Sorry allousa, I didn't mean to ignore your question here. Actually, I was kidding about really developing a formula. While it would be sooooooo useful, unfortunately, we don't have nearly enough data to come up with anything at all credible. If that data were available, then absolutely, the formula should factor in variables such as those affecting your case, since I think it's pretty clear that Hicham's statelessness is slowing down your process.

I knew you were kidding. I was just wondering if you could add in the "dumb" factor?

I was dumbfounded when we were at our local CIS office and they officers were scratching their heads like they didn't know how to process his case. He even went through filing for Asylum and the court recognized that he was stateless but decided sorry, you can't stay here.

Since I've been here, I think I've only seen two other people with SOs from Palestine, one being WOM. I would be curious to know if SOs coming out of "conflict" areas get the big 'ole nasty red flag?

[Jenn! 918]

I was dumbfounded when we were at our local CIS office and they officers were scratching their heads like they didn't know how to process his case. He even went through filing for Asylum and the court recognized that he was stateless but decided sorry, you can't stay here.

Since I've been here, I think I've only seen two other people with SOs from Palestine, one being WOM. I would be curious to know if SOs coming out of "conflict" areas get the big 'ole nasty red flag?

That's a good question. You don't see as many beneficiaries here on VJ from those places, but when they are, it does seem to affect the process. I think member Omoba's fiance is from Sierra Leone and they've been in AP for a really long time now.

[Beauty for Ashes 257]

If the America divorce rate is 60% I would venture to say after being in many MENA forums, not just VJ, the rate is much higher, I would put 83% on a MENA marriage. Would knowing that number have affected if I had married Mohammed, no. I was head over heels in love at first sight and no one could have waved red flags in front of me. I was told repeatedly "habeebti, we are different, our marriage is different,,there has never been a divorce in my family, I will not be the first.....' Well, we all know the end of that story.

Jaklen

Remember Jackie, if you loved him for real that love is more powerful than anything he will ever do or will ever say. Real love is tangible and it does nt ever really leave.... You just will go somewhere else in your journey.... There are loves that shut you down though.... loves that make you stop trying...I think if i lost my husband, I would close all my doors for a very long time because I love him so much... Some things you do not shake off easy

[Ban Hammer 13,275]

Actually, I was kidding about really developing a formula.

teaser! and i had a trip to vegas planned.

[♥JP♥ 5]

If the America divorce rate is 60% I would venture to say after being in many MENA forums, not just VJ, the rate is much higher, I would put 83% on a MENA marriage. Would knowing that number have affected if I had married Mohammed, no. I was head over heels in love at first sight and no one could have waved red flags in front of me. I was told repeatedly "habeebti, we are different, our marriage is different,,there has never been a divorce in my family, I will not be the first.....' Well, we all know the end of that story.

Jaklen

Wait are you saying that 83% of MENA marriages break up? Do you mean a mixed MENA marriage, or any MENA marriage?

[allousa 1]

Actually, I was kidding about really developing a formula.

teaser! and i had a trip to vegas planned.

I KNOW!!!!! I was like all ready to be "Rainman" or something!!!!

Edited October 17, 2007 by allousa