Worried about marital issues

[Cathi 5,748]

There is no reason to send a letter to anyone about anything. Send in your ROC with supporting evidence and be done with it. Most don't get called in for an interview and sending a letter bringing attention to your sex life will trigger an interview. I agree with your husband, you're worried about nothing.

[Adil & Jeanne 296]

Polygamy and bigamy are illegal in the US, but as the Utah "sister wives" show, it goes on anyway. Essentially they mean the same thing - someone has more than one spouse. More often than not, it's when a man has more than one wife. In some states, the law uses the terms interchangeably. There are some legal differences, though:

this article goes on to say the cast of the show may end up in court over this

[Ash.1101 1,756]

NEVER offer information that isn't asked for. 90% of the time it will come back to bite you. Spilling your guts about your relationships ups and downs will only trigger an interview. You saying "WE'RE ROCKY BUT WE STILL LOVE EACH OTHER AND WE'RE ADDING ANOTHER WOMAN INTO OUR HOUSEHOLD BUT WE'RE TOTALLY LEGIT DON'T WORRY! THE HEART DOES WHAT IT WANTS!" makes you look not legit to them. I agree with others saying that sending a letter detailing your personal life choices is self-sabotage. As long as you're married, you aren't currently divorcing, and you have plenty of commingled proof, you should be fine.


Loose lips sink ships.

[Rc123rc 528]

NEVER offer information that isn't asked for. 90% of the time it will come back to bite you. Spilling your guts about your relationships ups and downs will only trigger an interview. You saying "WE'RE ROCKY BUT WE STILL LOVE EACH OTHER AND WE'RE ADDING ANOTHER WOMAN INTO OUR HOUSEHOLD BUT WE'RE TOTALLY LEGIT DON'T WORRY! THE HEART DOES WHAT IT WANTS!" makes you look not legit to them. I agree with others saying that sending a letter detailing your personal life choices is self-sabotage. As long as you're married, you aren't currently divorcing, and you have plenty of commingled proof, you should be fine.

Loose lips sink ships.

Well said. Also, it almost sounds like you are asking the government to validate your life choices by seeing if they object or not. Not a good idea.

[Transborderwife 4,666]

Polygamy and bigamy are illegal in the US, but as the Utah "sister wives" show, it goes on anyway. Essentially they mean the same thing - someone has more than one spouse. More often than not, it's when a man has more than one wife. In some states, the law uses the terms interchangeably. There are some legal differences, though:

this article goes on to say the cast of the show may end up in court over this

polyamory is not polygamy

[Cheezees 1,514]

Polygamy and bigamy are illegal in the US, but as the Utah "sister wives" show, it goes on anyway. Essentially they mean the same thing - someone has more than one spouse. More often than not, it's when a man has more than one wife. In some states, the law uses the terms interchangeably. There are some legal differences, though:

this article goes on to say the cast of the show may end up in court over this

???

[Transborderwife 4,666]

???

poster seems to be mixing up polygamy with polyamory

[EM_Vandaveer 2,408]

Transborderwife is correct polyamory is NOT polygamy. Plus as far as I know in every other state (with the exception of Utah) you actually have to marry more than one person for it to count as polygamy (in Utah, co-habiting with several people as one would with a spouse also counts, I'm assuming for historical reasons).

So unless either OP or her husband plans on marrying this other lady, or live with her in Utah, they are not doing anything illegal.

Everybody can have their views/opinions on their arrangement, but what's legal and what isn't are objective facts.

[Rc123rc 528]

pol·y·am·o·ry

ˌpälēˈamərē/

noun

1. the philosophy or state of being in love or romantically involved with more than one person at the same time.

[EM_Vandaveer 2,408]

Polygamy [/size]and [/size]bigamy[/size] are illegal in the US, but as the Utah "[/size]sister wives" show, it goes on anyway. Essentially they mean the same thing - someone has more than one spouse. More often than not, it's when a man has more than one wife. In some states, the law uses the terms interchangeably. There are some legal differences, though:[/size]

this article goes on to say the cast of the show may end up in court over this[/size]

pol·y·am·o·ry

ˌpälēˈamərē/

noun

• the philosophy or state of being in love or romantically involved with more than one person at the same time.

Polygamy is illegal. Polyamory isn't.

[Villanelle 4,122]

Hi guys.

Please know I'm not looking for relationship advice in this thread, strictly immigration advice. My husband tells me I worry way too much and he doesn't understand what I'm worried about, but I have bad anxiety and I worry so much that the slightest thing could go wrong. I have throughout the whole process.

My husband and I aren't sure where our future may lead right now. We were best friends for many years before we started dating - I went through a lot of trauma and sexual assault with an abusive ex-partner, my husband flew up from the US as I was close to suicide and made me see a doctor. I owe him my life and he stayed with me for months, and we sparked up a passionate romance in that time. Initially I wanted him to move to the UK, but the rules were so complicated and his mum offered to help me move there so we could be together. It seemed the easiest way for us to start a life together back then. Our relationship and marriage was and always has been completely legitimate. My husband is autistic, he finds it hard to work and he acts very child-like sometimes. I love him as a husband, but also as family, like a brother, best friend and son. He enjoys the care and nurturing I can provide for him.

Anyway - we aren't sure where our marriage is headed right now. There have been a lot of strains on it including his mother being depressed and taking it out on us, him not working and financial difficulty, etc. I've found it difficult to adjust in SC and I'm not happy here. We both intend to move to the west coast next year with a woman we are both close to/consensually and know about in a polyamorous arrangement. She is very kind and good to us both and we both love her like family.

We've discussed divorce but we are simply not sure what is going to happen. We still love each other very much and care for each other deeply. Our assets are all still very much co-mingled. We still want to be in each other's lives. The move could do us the world of good and it might change things. We still want a life together, we just aren't sure what that looks like right now.

All things considered, I'm terrified of getting an ROC interview. If I did get called in, I'm not sure what this would look like to the interviewer. I am not ready to file for divorce, and even if I were, the state of SC requires you to live apart for a year which we cannot and will not do. That's not what we want. I don't know whether I should send a letter in to USCIS letting them know my marital situation is rocky at the moment. I don't know what the right thing to do is. I love my family and want them both in my life, just my husband and I are currently evaluating how we want our relationship to look in the future and whether we want to remain husband and wife, or something else. We are very amicable and we filed the ROC petition jointly. We still have our assets co-mingled and continue to build assets/finances together because I know I want him in my life regardless.

USCIS has always stressed me out beyond belief and now that I feel like my case isn't an open and shut one if I get an interview, it's giving me panic attacks.

I dont know why but Im having trouble sending you a message. So Im just going to post most of it here. (you can always try to message me if theres something more)

Im going to say a few things differently then some of the other posters. I do agree it is very unlikely that you will get an interview if you sent in a strong packet. They only interview those with issues and a small number of otherwise solidly approve-able applications for quality control purposes. Odds are you will not be one of them. So hopefully that will help put your mind at ease.

It is a two sided issue however. Many people tend to look at it like- omg if I have an interview then I will be asked questions and have to speak up about whatever issue and if I dont get the interview then whoosh I dont; and thats incorrect. Regardless of how they ask, or even IF they ask- withholding any kind of info is not recommended and they take a very dim view of it. It falls under and Im sorry I dont have the exact phrasing but its along the lines of misrepresentation of not giving them all the facts to make a decision- ie withholding info.

Now this all starts entering into a rather gray area because for a marriage to be legit and bonafide, it does not need to be "happy". It can be rocky, it can be on the verge of divorce but not quite there and still be very much bonafide. No actual papers have been filed, and no actual decision has been made. No where in the forms does it ask you to rate or describe your marriage or tell them about your private inner thoughts you are struggling with.

So as many have stated- normally it is not necessary to disclose to USCIS that your marriage is 'unhappy' or 'on the rocks' - unless steps have been or are being taken to alter the relationship. If its only in a hypothetical what if, or what may be thinking stage, then thats different from taking actual steps to separate finances or altering living arrangements where one moves out or altering the emotional bond/commitment to each other. ... I want you to know I chose that wording very carefully. (the word alter)

Generally you should be fine not disclosing your 'what ifs' and 'what may be in the future' to them. It wouldnt be considered withholding anything. What concerns me is the surrounding circumstances you have. As you know they are not typical. IF you decide to go for citizenship in the future (which I do not know if you are considering or not) - depending on how you and your spouse proceed in the future may be an issue.

I understand and fully support your right to live how you want. I do not want this to turn into a discussion about that. From my understanding of how you outlined things- you are envisioning maintaining a relationship with your husband regardless of your marital status to him. Both an emotional one and a co-mingled finance one. This is entirely your prerogative. You can also engage in additional emotional and financial relationships with others as well as him at the same time if you choose. Again- as long as you are with in the laws of where you live- you can do such. (as others have stated polyamory is legal).

But the USCIS has a definition that laid out for what 'marriage' is and who can be married. They also do not allow for marriage for immigration purposes only- it has to be a legitimate union. There is much debate on what makes a marriage legitimate and it would be up to the immigration court to ultimately rule looking at the specifics of the situation and using past decisions as a precedent and the policy/laws in effect.

Having a marriage certificate is not enough to satisfy the requirements that it is bonafide. Having co-mingled finances in itself does not prove the marriage is bonafide either, as plenty of fraud relationships create this. There is no way to look inside someones head and verify their emotions or intentions- so there is no way for them to absolutely be sure of anything 100%. Its more of a preponderance of evidence type situation. If your word can be trusted and your actions support your words.

If you go for citizenship and they review your divorce and situation and find that you severed the legal aspect of your marriage- the actual document that tied you and he together that gave you the right to file for immigration benefits, however did not sever any other involvement with him... well that looks very suspicious. You would be maintaining the other aspects of the relationship like the emotional side and financial side, but not the legal side.

You can not obtain a marriage certificate to be able to obtain immigration benefits. That is just not allowed, and considered fraud. You can obtain immigration benefits as a perk after getting married for other reasons. You may end up in a situation where you have to prove this in the future if you go down the path you are outlining.

I can understand why you no longer want the legal status of married. But can you also understand how it may be viewed that the purpose of obtaining the certificate was to be able to obtain the immigration benefits as well? Because by changing nothing else about the relationship except legal status of the parties its very hard to draw any other conclusion as to why the legal status was obtained in the first place.

Many people find themselves in situations like this- where the definition of marriage and the legal benefits that come along with it or whats blocked from you not having it cause issues in life in a domestic partnership. Everything from obtaining health insurance to being able to visit in a hospital room and making health care decisions in a crisis. To future survivor benefits and tax breaks and benefits. The laws are slowly evolving thanks to LGBT efforts, but when it comes to USCIS and immigration benefits its a very clear line still. It is either a recognized legit marriage that is eligible for benefits or it is not and again the purpose of the marriage can not be for the benefits. The IRS may not care if you marry to lower your tax obligation, the health ins marketplace doesnt ask or care, if you are married you apply as married- but the USCIS does its own thing and does care about your motivation.

If you are going to apply for citizenship in the future you should talk to an attny before doing so if you divorce and continue to keep assets and an emotional relationship with your ex.

[QueenComley 295]

Its easy for everyone to say you are worrying about nothing when it comes to USCIS but.... I have been diagnosed with severe anxiety (the last anxiety attack resulted in a near hospital stay) so I completely understand your stand point of overthinking and over analysing a situation.

If you ever need a friend feel free to inbox me.

[Cathi 5,748]

Polygamy and bigamy are illegal in the US, but as the Utah "sister wives" show, it goes on anyway. Essentially they mean the same thing - someone has more than one spouse. More often than not, it's when a man has more than one wife. In some states, the law uses the terms interchangeably. There are some legal differences, though:

this article goes on to say the cast of the show may end up in court over this

she didn't say polygamy

[QueenOfBlades 224]

Thank you everyone for the advice. I'm really glad to be able to hear everyone's thoughts on this, it helps.

RE: informing USCIS of my sex life and/or them trying to validate my life choices, it's really nothing to do with that at all. My thoughts on doing that were because of anxiety if something came up in an interview that I hadn't written to them to tell them about, and would it be seen as concealing fact. I didn't want to risk anything, but I also thought (and my husband did too) that sending a letter was unnecessary and would cause us complications that aren't really relevant. I'm glad that the consensus seems to be that sending a letter is unnecessary and a bit silly.

Yes, I meant polyamory not polygamy. I'm aware that polygamy is illegal and I'd never do that.

Thank you Damara - when I say maintaining a relationship with him, I mean we wonder if we will stay married in the future and what's best for us right now. I imagine we won't fully know till we move. If we do decide to divorce, I expect some assets would stay co-mingled like the car, but I meant more along the lines of us staying best friends without the romantic component and health insurance, bank accounts etc, de-mingled. We were best friends before and likely would be after. Heck, for all I know, if me and him DID get divorced, I might end up married to the woman eventually. It's up in the air right now - I just don't know. We still love each other. I can sort of see what you mean about the assets, though I'm not sure why it might look like fraud. If anything, I would think it's more dodgy if I stayed with him to file for citizenship in a year's time if we become more sure it won't work out, rather than doing the right thing and ending the marriage and continuing the process the right way.

I've always loved my husband but never done well with immigration. Every step of the process has made me a nervous mess and I've had to be on anxiety medicine during the major parts of it, and have been diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder. Even the K-1 visa interview made my health bad and made me nauseous at the Embassy. I even worried about if I had a chest infection and didn't know it, and when still in England, worried about FBAR/FATCA with filing tax returns. It's important to me and I don't want to do anything wrong.

I know USCIS isn't the most forgiving with volunteering info, I guess I was just worried that they might see it as withholding and it would be grounds to deport me (I know, it sounds silly). I will see what happens and not be way TMI with them. I'm not doing anything wrong. I wonder how it might affect my citizenship one way or the other but I guess I'll know when I come to it.

Edited December 13, 2016 by QueenOfBlades